The next morning, I don't want to get out of bed. It is Visiting Day, and I remember how I felt last year on this day. Nervous, excited, curious to see if my parents would even come even though I had betrayed them. But today is not that day for me. Today holds a completely different meaning, and it is the cause of the feeling of unease in my stomach. Today we are going to be one step closer to finding out the truth to why we are all here. To why we are all alive again. It shouldn't be possible, but those of us who have made our back, have starting coming back to life. And not even the ones that we lost during the war. Al is back and he died by his own hands. It doesn't make sense to me, and I don't know if even the smartest minds could figure out why this is happening.
I lay in bed, not moving, keeping my breathing even so that I can pretend that I am still asleep. I am nervous to get out of bed and to start the day. Because starting the day means leaving Dauntless and going to Erudite. I had made that mistake once before, but this time it wasn't just going to be me this time around. I wouldn't be offering myself over in surrender. But even though the tables have turned and things are different now, I still find myself not wanting to go. However, this could be an opportunity to see how Caleb is doing at Erudite headquarters. I don't know what he remembers and what he doesn't. But maybe seeing our parents could wake that part up inside of him. I don't know what I'd do without him, what I'd do if he didn't remember everything that happened. But maybe it's better than he never suffered the loss of our parents. The less pain he has to feel, the better.
I let out a sigh and immediately I feel Tobias roll over in bed to look at me. We made it back to Dauntless after a few hours at my parents house, and once we got back we passed out. He rests his head on his hand as he looks down at me and I squeeze my eyes shut. If I don't open my eyes, maybe he'll think that I'm still sleeping and then he won't bother me. The longer I can stay in bed, the better. Maybe I can put this off for at least another hour or so.
"I know you're awake," he says, and I can hear the grin on his lips. I try not to give myself away. "You can't really fool me, you know."
He's right about that. We've been together too long for him not to know me so well. I let out a sigh and turn to look at him. "Morning," I tell him.
He smiles at me and presses a kiss to my lips. "How'd you sleep?"
"As well as I could given the circumstances," I answer. "I don't want to leave just yet."
"I know," he says. "But when Tori says first thing, she means first thing. She's not going to wait for us if we're late."
I make a face. "Yeah, I know," I say. "Can't we just...not go?"
He raises a brow at me. I know that we can't just skip this meeting He and I want answers just as much as everyone else wants answers. Not that I even know if Jeanine will know what is going on. I don't trust her, and why should I? After the countless times she's tried to kill me, wouldn't it just be smarter to stay away from her? If we were in any other situation, it would definitely be smarter to stay away from her, but now? Here? Keeping our distance could only cause more problems.
I groan. "I know, I know," I say pushing the covers off of me. "We have to go."
I start to get out of bed, but he pulls me back in so that we are face to face. His dark blue eyes are focused on me, and even now after all of this time it takes my breath away. "They can wait five minutes, right?" He asks, teasingly.
"Depends what you're planning to do in those five minutes," I tell him, my tone matching his.
He lets out a mock gasp. "Tris!," he says with a grin before pulling me in to kiss me. His hands are on my waist and I snake my arms up around his neck kissing him hungrily. I let out a soft gasp as he tugs on my lower lip. I have to fight to pull myself away.
"Stop," I tell him, sighing as I detangle myself from him. "If you keep this up, we will definitely miss te meeting."
He chuckles and kisses me again before getting out of bed. "Okay fine," he says, holding up his hands in defeat. "You win."
Once we are both dressed we head down to the main entrance of the building and toward the train. As soon as the doors close behind us I can see the others gathered inside of the car. They're all waiting for us. Will, Christina, Al, Uriah, Marlene, Lynn, Tori and even Eric. Eric, the guy that I've been afraid of since day one. The guy that hasn't done anything to redeem himself since coming back. But then again he hasn't done anything too horrible since he's been back since I haven't heard anything. I don't know what he wants, or if he wants revenge on Tobias for killing him. I have never been able to figure him out. The closer I get to the group, the easier it is to see the anxiety on their faces. And the closer we get, the more uneasy I begin to feel. Tori reaches a hand out to help me up and smiles at me.
"We thought you two weren't going to make it," she says. "Almost left without you."
"Glad you didn't," I tell her.
I look over in the corner and I see Will and Christina huddle together in the corner. I don't blame them. I would probably do the same if the situations were reversed. Al is in the opposite corner and I can feel him staring at me. It takes everything in me not to turn to look at him. I can't deal with this now. I don't even know if I can deal with it ever. Instead, Tobias and I move to the other side of the car where Marlene, Uriah and Lynn are standing. Tori leans out the car door to start the train and then we're off.
No one on the train says anything. I don't think we even know what to say at this point. Everyone on this train, except for Christina and Tobias have died. We've all come back to life due to something that we just can't explain. I rest my head against Tobias' chest, letting the sound of the train passing on the rails ease my mind as we ride through the city. I feel him stiffen, so I pull away and look up at him. But he isn't looking at me. I turn to see what's caught his attention and I take a step back immediately when I see Al standing there.
"Please," he says. "I just...I want to talk"
I stare at him wondering if this is really happening. How could it be that he could just stand there in front of me, wanting to talk.
"What is there left to say?" Tobias asks.
Al meets his gaze and looks away quickly. That's when I remember that Al doesn't know Tobias the way everyone else on the train does. Well, everyone except for Will. Al died before everything happened. And Will was barely conscious when he died. During initiation no one got to know Tobias like I did. To everyone else, he was intimidating and scary and if you had to be careful not to cross him. Granted, he's still intimidating and scary...just not to me.
"I don't understand anything that's going on," Al says quietly. "I came along because Christina invited me."
I swallow past the lump that is currently growing in my throat, getting larger with every passing moment that I don't speak. I bite my lower lip and look up at Tobias when I feel his hand on my back. Ultimately it's my decision whether or not I talk to Al. It's my decision to tell him what's been going on. Will and Christina know that Al helped in almost throwing me into the chasm. They had protected me and stood up for me when Al had tried to explain himself. He hadn't deserved a second chance. But we're all here now. All having died once...and this is our second chance. To what? To do things right? To make better decisions? To live out our lives the way they should have gone if Jeanine hadn't messed everything up with her desire to eradicate human nature? What other reason could there be? So I look up at Al. Because if this is a second chance, it means that Al was deserving enough to be here. It means he is worth a second chance.
"What." I say. It doesn't come out like a question. It is just a statement and I just want to know what he wants. I don't even know what he expects from me. Does he want to be friends again? I don't know how I could look at his face and not see the way he looked at me when I pulled his mask off. How does one forget attempted murder?
"We don't have a lot of time before we're at Erudite," Tobias says. His voice is hard and I don't blame him. "If you're looking for a heart to heart, you're not getting it. Say what you want to say."
The muscle's in Al's jaw clench and he nods before looking back at me. "Okay," he says. "I just...It wasn't your fault, Tris."
I stare at him, unsure if I hard heard him right. "What?"
"Jumping was my decision," Al says.
"Why are you telling me this?" I ask him. I don't want to talk about this. Not now and not ever. I felt guilty when he jumped because I felt like he did it because I wouldn't forgive him. "You tried to kill me, Al. I'm not going to apologize for not forgiving you."
"I'm not asking you to," he says, taking an awkward step back.
People have started to pay attention to us. I had wanted to keep this conversation quiet, but I couldn't do that anymore. Not with what he way saying to me.
"I don't blame myself for your death, Al," I say. "I just...I felt guilty, but no one pushed you off of the ledge and into the chasm. Not the way that you were going to do it to me." Al looks at me like I've just struck him across the face. "I'm sorry."
He swallows and then nods. "I'm sorry too," he says before turning away from me.
turn to look back at Tobias, making sure that I don't look at the people in the train who are currently staring at me. "You okay?" he asks me quietly.
I nod as I rest my face against his chest again. "Yeah, I'm okay," I tell him.
A few moments later, I open my eyes and see Tori leaning out of the car door. She turns back to look at us. "Okay, we're coming up on the jump," she says. "Be ready."
One by one we jump out of the car and onto the grassy hill. Once I am back on my feet, I brush whatever dirt has collected on my pants before looking up at the building in front of me. My heart starts to race and my palms begin to sweat. This is it.
Now we find get our answers.