After showering and getting dressed, I make my way down to the cafeteria to get a muffin and some juice before heading to the Pit for training. I can't stop thinking about the way that Four was looking at me. It stirred something in me that I hadn't felt since I had seen him for the first time. And then everything changed once training started. He hated me…and for no reason other than what faction I had come from.
I see Christina with Will and Four and they look at me when I walk in. They've stopped talking, and I don't know what they've been talking about, but part of me makes me believe that it's about me. But I have no idea why they'd be doing that. I mean, we lost the connection that we had during our own initiation. They were in love and I hated feeling like a third wheel around them. If Al had stuck it out with us, I think something could have happened, but I couldn't have forgiven him for almost throwing me over the chasm with Peter and Drew. But some days, I find myself regretting the things that I said to Al. Maybe he'd still be here and I wouldn't be quite so lonely.
I turn my gaze away from them and sit down at Eric's table. He looks at me curiously as I sit down.
"What are you doing?" he asks me, his voice harsh.
"What, I can't sit here?" I challenge him.
He narrow his eyes and looks over my shoulder in the direction of Four and the others from my initiation class. "You and lover-boy get into a fight or something?
I pause with the cup of juice halfway to my mouth. "Excuse me?"
"Why aren't you sitting with him?" He nods behind me and I turn to see Four standing just a few feet away, studying the two of us.
I snort as I turn back to look at Eric. "Lover-boy…yeah right."
What the hells has gotten into people? I chew on my muffin as I turn toward the door as more and more people enter for breakfast. Eric clears his throat so I turn back to look at him.
"So, you were gone for three days," he says. "Max isn't too pleased about that."
I cock my head to the side. "What are you even talking about?" I snap at him. "Both you and Four have talked about me being gone for three days and I haven't even gone anywhere. Have you guys been drinking by the chasm or something?"
Eric leans forward. "You were gone for three days, Tris. This isn't a game or a lie or whatever you think it is. You were gone and leadership just wants to know where you've been."
"I've been here," I tell him, my voice even.
He nods, but I can tell that he doesn't believe me. "Okay," He says. "Whatever you say."
I roll my eyes as I get up and leave the cafeteria. It's not long after that I hear footsteps following me. I turn and let out a sound of annoyance when I see that it's Four.
"Please don't try to tell me I've been gone," I tell him. "You and Eric…you've got brain damage or something."
"Tris, please," he says.
His long legs make it easy for him to catch up with me and soon enough I'm struggling to match his steps.
"Please, what?" I ask him. "You were horrible to me during initiation and suddenly you think we're best friends? I don't know if this is some kind of game to you, Four, but you can't just show up out of nowhere and look at me like that."
He stops and stares at me and I stop too, just to prove my point. Initiation had been brutal last year. I struggled more than anyone could struggle and instead of helping me, or trying to assist me; Four treated me worse than he treated anyone else. And I had thought grey was just a color. But I was deeply mistaken.
"What…what are you talking about, horrible to you?"
"Like you don't remember," I scoff. "You and Eric treated me like I was some stupid little girl from Abnegation and in case you don't remember, I ended up in the hospital a lot."
He shakes his head slowly. "That's not how it went, Tris. What the hell are you talking about?"
I cross my arms over my chest. "You're kidding, right?" My voice echoes against the stone walls surrounding us. "You couldn't wait to get me out of that group. You would have been better off if I became factionless."
"I don't want that," he says. He sounds completely sincere. I don't know what's changed and I don't know if I should even believe him. "I've never wanted that for you."
"Yeah," I say. "Well…I don't know why you're even bothering to talk to me now. Working with you on this initiation class has been nearly impossible."
He looks like I've wounded him. "Then why did you agree to do it?"
"Because it's better than working at the Fence…I don't even know any of those guys," I say. Though being completely alone on the fence would probably feel better than being completely alone in the compound.
"Yeah, it's not so great out there," he says.
I'm extremely uncomfortable and nervous. Four and I have never talked like this and I don't know if I like the way his proximity makes me feel. It takes me back to when he helped me off of the net that first day. And the way he spoke to us during dinner that night…he had been so different. He had given me hope that something could transpire between us. But I was a little girl back then. I know better now.
"Yeah," I say.
A couple initiates pass us on the way and give us a confused look. And I realize where I am and who I'm talking to. I can't let myself get sucked into the way that I feel when he looks at me with those eyes of his. I mean, this is Four. This guy was ruthless and scared the shit out of me a year ago. But he always scares me now. What scares me most is how I feel about him.
I shake my head. "It doesn't even matter," I say, clearing my throat.
I turn away from him and follow the initiates down the stairs to the Pit. I can't even look behind me to check if Four is following me because if I look at him, I don't think I'll be able to look away. He doesn't say anything else as we go down the stairs to the Pit. Someone passes me on the way up, and I see them out of the corner of my eye.
"Sorry, Tris."
I stop on the steps and Four nearly runs into me. But I can't bring myself to move. I stare at the retreating figure and I see flashes of Dauntless members pulling his body up from the river when they'd found out he had jumped. I stumble back against the railing as his name leaves my lips.
He turns around, and looks back at me. "You okay, Tris?" Al asks me.
I stare at him and my heart is beating so fast in my chest that I can't breathe. I can't focus on anything but his face. "You shouldn't be here," I tell him. "You're not supposed to be here."
A pained look crosses Al's expression. "I know, I'm supposed to stay away from you," he says. "I'm sorry."
"No," I say quickly running up the steps between us. I stop short because I don't know if this is real or not. "You're really here."
Al looks confused as he glances behind me at Four. "You okay, Tris?" he repeats
I shake my head and fling my arms around his shoulders and hug him. "How are you here right now?" I ask him, tears burning my eyes. "I saw then pull you from the river," I whisper. "You shouldn't even be alive."
"Uh…" Al clears his throat and I pull back from him. "I don't know what to say."
More Dauntless initiates pass us on the stairs. I hastily wipe my tears and shake my head. "Just think about it," I say. "I've got to get to training and then we can talk."
I squeeze his arm and he smiles at me, nodding. "Yeah, definitely," he says. "I'll see you after."
I smile as he heads up the stairs and I turn to look at Four, who is regarding me curiously. I don't know if I like the butterflies his stare is stirring inside of me.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asks me.
I shake my head. "No," I say. "And even if I did, I wouldn't talk to you. We're not friends, Four."
He sighs. "I know I was horrible, Tris," he says. "But I'd like a chance to make it up to you. To get to know you."
I pause. Could this actually be happening? Could he really want to get to know me for me and it's not just a sick game that the trainers are playing on the innocent Abnegation girl? I shrug, but nod. "Sure," I tell him. "I'll think about it."
I walk past him to head down to the Pit, but I swear I hear him let out a sigh of relief when I do.