The next morning I wake early so that I can get to breakfast before everyone else. After talking with Tobias, I know that everything should feel different. But I still feel the same. I just know different things now. And still, it's complicated. I'm still afraid of going to breakfast when everyone else is going to be there. I told Al that I wanted to talk to him and knowing Al, he's going to hold me to that. But those plans were made before I remembered everything that he was a part of. He tried to kill me.
That must be why he had looked at me the way he did when I was hugging him and wanting to talk to him. He thought that I was never going to forgive him for what he had done to me. And he's right. How can you forgive someone for trying to kill you? I know that it's not very Abnegation about me and not the way my parents raised me, but I'm not as good as my parents are. Were. Wait. Didn't Tobias say they died during the battle?
But with everyone coming back to life…are they still here? Have I not lost them?
I slow my gait in the stone hallway as I try to focus on my breathing. It seems that I have forgotten how to, in the last few moments. I rest my hand on the cool wall, taking in deep breaths. I get my heartrate back to normal and I continue my walk down the cafeteria.
As suspected, it is much too early for anyone to join me in the long hall. I help myself to toast and eggs and bacon, enjoying the silence as I chew. I take this time to think about everything Tobias had told me. Was it really everything though? What if he's keeping things from me?
He says we were in love and that he still loves me. That he'll always love me. But what if I don't get my memories back? What if he gets tired of looking at me and becoming disappointed when I'm not the girl that he wants? Just the thought of that cracks my heart a little bit. I close my eyes and blow out a breath before taking a drink of orange juice. Someone sits next to me when I go to set it down and it slips from my fingers, spilling the liquid everywhere.
"Sorry," Al says, with that nervous laugh of his. His hands brush against mine as he tries to help me clean the mess.
My entire body turns cold at his voice. What do I do? Do I run? Do I attack him? Do I act like everything is back to the way that it was before? Before I found out what he had done to me?
"Hi, Tris," Al says.
I can feel him staring at me; waiting for me to acknowledge him. I take another bite of bacon before willing myself to smile at him. It's an Abnegation smile, not an Amity smile. It's polite, but not too friendly. As a Candor, I'm not sure if he recognizes the difference.
"So you mentioned that you wanted to get together to talk," Al says, continuing like nothing is wrong. But for Al, that's true. He doesn't know anything. He thinks everything is fine. But I still have that memory of the way he looked at me when I pulled his mask from his face. So empty. So unremorseful. Like it was something that had to be done. And sure, he wasn't the mastermind behind all of this. It was Peter. But Peter has always been cold and sadistic and cruel. It must have been easy to manipulate Al in his defense state. After the scores had gone up and I had seen him at the Chasm. He looked small, like crumpled paper. He had never looked like that before.
But still.
It doesn't give him the right to try to kill me. No one should have that right.
"I did say that," I say, my jaw clenching. I wish I didn't have to talk to him right now. I would really rather be anywhere else in the world right now.
"So when do you want to get together and talk…"
The doors slams open and I jump, looking at the intruder. And I have never been so happy to see Tobias. How had I not heard Al shut the door? Was I so deep in my own thoughts that I didn't hear the door close? Why would he want to be alone with me anyway? I shiver as I force myself away from those possibilities. I'm Dauntless. And I'm alive. He didn't succeed in killing me. I shouldn't be afraid of him. Right?
Tobias looks anxious as he comes toward us and sits down on my other side. Al has scooted away from me, nervously. I unintentionally move closer to Tobias.
"You weren't in your room, and I was worried," he says to me in a low voice. "Are you okay?"
He glances over my shoulder at Al, who busies himself with his breakfast. I nod at his question.
"Yes."
"Do you want to leave?'
I glance at him. "You haven't eaten."
"I've survived on much less," he tells me.
He holds out his hand and I stare at it for a moment before slipping my fingers through his. Together we leave the cafeteria and head to the Pit. I don't think I realized how terrified I was in that moment with Al. Because the second the doors close, I can't breathe again, but this time it's because of how hard I'm crying. Shock. This is what shock must feel like. Tobias takes me in his arms and I bury my face in his neck, surprised with how much I don't want to be anywhere else. How could I have been afraid of him? Of this man who loves me?
"It's okay," he says, his voice soothing as he rubs my back. "Try to talk to me. Why weren't you in your room?"
"I was trying to avoid this," I gasp, desperately trying to fill my lungs. "I was trying to avoid feeling like this."
"Breathe, Tris," he tells me. "Just breathe."
"Please don't leave me."
I surprise myself with my pleading. He chuckles and the sound vibrates through me.
"What's funny?"
"Baby I wouldn't leave you even if my life depended on it," he says. "You're everything to me, regardless if you know it yet."
"I know it," I whisper.
He pulls back at me looks at me, his eyes searching mine eagerly. I wish I could tell him that everything is fine. But I can't do that.
"Just because I know it doesn't mean I remember it, Tobias."
He nods. "I know." He lifts his hand and uses the sleeve of his jacket to dry my cheeks. "How are you feeling?"
I shrug. "Like I've just been knocked on my ass several times over."
He grins at me, a dazzling grin. "I'm be worried if you didn't."
It seems so easy with him. I don't know how something I never even knew existed could be this easy; could feel this good. I'm fighting every instinct inside of me to try not to throw myself at him. I'm attracted to him, that's for sure, but I'm also terrified of those feelings. What does it mean and how long is it going to last? I swallow hard, past the lump in my throat and let myself give in. What can it hurt?
"Can I ask you something?"
"You know you can."
"Can you kiss me?" I ask him, my voice small.
His eyes are wide, but he doesn't say no. That's a good thing, right? He leans in, slowly, as if not to scare me and very carefully brushes his lips against my own. A shiver runs through me and I tilt my head up so that our lips our touching with more force now. His hands find my hips and pull me against me as he kisses me. There is no force coming from him. There is nothing scary about this.
And that is what scares me the most.