Oh man, this chapter's really LONG. I almost broke the 3000 word barrier O.O
This is Autistic's request for a chapter starring the assist trophies!
Disclaimer: I don't own SSBB, or any of the assist trophies. Not even Mr. Resetti's speech.
P.S- If this story is rated T for one and only one reason, it's the conversation between Link, Ike, and Marth that starts off the story.
Off in the cafeteria, in one of the rooms filled with plush chairs and sofas, Link, Ike, and Marth each sat in one of the aforementioned chairs with their swords across their laps, arguing.
"My sword's the best," Link said, "because I can use it to counter evil twilight magic!"
"Oh yeah?" Ike countered. "I defeated the Black Knight with this sword! At least he's something substantial."
"You're both wrong," Marth said calmly, balancing Falchion by the hilt on the palm of his hand, "my sword's the best. It's aerodynamically built, perfectly streamlined-"
"I'll bet it's also a real hit with the ladies," Link snickered. He flinched when the pillow that used to be behind Marth hit him square in the face.
"You're sick, Link."
"Yeah, well, you're a crazy blueberry."
"I am not crazy. I have a temper, and you touched a nerve. I blame you for the outburst last night."
The Hylian just laughed. "Anyway, Ike, what say you on the subject of Marth's sword?"
Ike, being unaware of this outburst Marth spoke of, was somewhat pleased to be back on the previous subject. "I think the topic is inappropriate, and I would just like to point out that my sword is clearly longer than yours, therefore it is superior."
Marth groaned. "Could you two stop with the jokes please?"
"It wasn't a joke. Look," Ike snatched Falchion out of Marth's hand and held it up against Ragnell. "See? Mine's clearly a foot longer."
"Just what are you boys talking about in here?"
Link jumped in his chair when he heard Zelda's voice come from behind him. "N-nothing Zelda!"
"We're comparing swords," Marth explained.
Zelda raised an eyebrow. "I should hope that you mean that phrase literally."
"I do, but don't be too sure about that one," Marth said dryly, pointing at Link, who laughed sheepishly.
"You boys," Zelda instructed, "should put your swords away before someone who doesn't want to see them walks in here." Then she left.
"We should probably do as she says," Ike said while handing back Falchion. "Knowing our luck, just such a person will be the next to walk in here."
The other two boys agreed, and the trio walked through the cafeteria and in to the hall. They got halfway to the weapons room when something stopped them in their tracks.
Pit was half-flying, half-running down the hall at top speed. When he saw the three boys, he leapt into the air and latched himself onto Ike in a fashion reminiscent of Max the dog from How the Grinch Stole Christmas.
"It's after me! It's after me!" Pit yelled into Ike's shoulder.
"What's after you?" Marth asked, concerned.
Pit's response was only a whimper, but it didn't need to be anything more because "it" turned the corner and began to float down the hall. "It" was a metroid, and a very angry one at that. It twitched and buzzed down the hall, quickly closing the gap between it and its prey.
Ike thought quickly. "On three," he said, hoping the other two would catch on to his plan. "…two, three!" He lifted up Ragnell, and threw it straight at the metroid.
A second later, a squelching sound followed by a dull thud, and then two more thuds, made themselves heard in the hall. Pit cautiously lifted his head from Ike's shoulder and opened his eyes. There, pinned against the wall by three swords, was the metroid that had tried to attack him. Ragnell was lodged in the upper gelatinous part of the creature, holding it against the wall; the Master Sword had splintered a pincer, but it was Falchion that had landed the greatest hit. Its thin metal blade was buried up to the hilt in one of the creature's three brains. It was because of this that the thing was now twitching and buzzing even more violently.
"Are you okay?" Ike asked Pit. The angel nodded, even though he was shaking. He hopped down and managed to stand on the ground solidly.
"Hey!" a voice yelled. A blue and black blur blasted down the hall and screeched to a stop next to Marth. "Whoa, I can't believe they took that thing out! Can you, Shadow?"
"Nope."
Marth looked down. Beside him were Sonic and Shadow, inventing some sort of out-of-this-world story as to how the metroid ended up pinned against the wall.
"Oh wait, this reminds me," Sonic turned to Marth. "You should go check out the stadium. Extreme stuff going on there." He then whooped, and sped off down the hall, Shadow close behind.
Having nothing better to do now that the metroid was incapacitated, the boys went to the stadium.
"Holy mother of Palutena…"
Pit's reaction was not an understatement. The entire brawl stage was covered in pokémon that were leaping and chirping about. Marth spotted Red up there as well, scampering about trying to keep all the creatures under control. His hat had fallen off, but Marth quickly spotted it on top of a Chikorita that was locked in combat with Munchlax. Just as Munchlax was about to finish Chikorita off, Red ran over and scooped up Chikorita, causing Munchlax to miss entirely and fall on its face.
"We should go help him," Ike suggested.
"Red or the Munchlax?"
"Red, obviously," Ike smacked Link across the head.
So Marth, Ike, Pit, and Link went through the boys' change room and exited by a secret door Pit had found that led right onto the stage. When Red saw the four emerging, he was delighted. "Are you guys here to help?"
"Totally!" Pit cheered.
"Sweet, then you'll need these." Red tossed a couple of bags at the boys. Upon opening them, they discovered dozens of pokéballs. "Throw those at the pokémon," Red instructed. "They will capture them, and then we can put them in the storage room."
The boys all got really into throwing the balls at the little creatures, so they were all captured in no time flat. The only one that had given them any trouble was Kyogre, because it had discovered that shooting flumes of water at Link was rather fun. The now sopping Hylian was not pleased.
"Why were all the pokémon swarming the stage?" Marth asked as they gathered up all the pokéballs back into the bags.
"I don't know," Red replied, "but I think it has to do with the fact that the assist trophies are all running rampant."
"We know all about that," Ike said. "This one here," he pointed at Pit, "almost got his brain eaten by a metroid."
Red's brown eyes bugged out of his head and he began to fuss over Pit. The angel gently pushed the trainer away, saying that the metroid never actually touched him; it just chased him around a bit.
"Well, if you say so," Red smiled, though still unconvinced of Pit's being okay. "You know what, though? After all that running around trying to catch pokémon, I'm pretty hungry."
Link puffed himself up like a big important leader. "Then I decree that we go to the kitchen and get ourselves a snack!"
"We should really tell someone about the assist trophies running rampant."
Everyone agreed with Red, including Link, who was forced to duck as a pink-haired blur holding a sword flew over his head. "Hey!" the blur yelled out when it passed over him. "Watch it, will you?'
"The chefs will be happy," Ike said to no one in particular, blue eyes darting around as he tried to watch both blurs at once as they sailed around the room, "Kat and Ana are chopping up all the food and I hear we're having stew tonight."
As Marth observed the quickly growing and, oddly enough, organized stacks of chopped vegetables, he realized something. "Hey, Ike, don't you think something's odd about Kat and Ana's names?"
"Hm?" Ike turned away from the speeding twins to look at Marth. "No, why do you ask?"
Marth sighed. "Oh, no reason." He then began to mumble to himself. "Kat…Ana…Kat…Ana…something's definitely up with those names."
Red hungrily eyed the cubes of carrot, and watched very carefully for the first opportunity he could reach out and grab one. When it seemed safe, his hand shot out, but he yanked it right back again when he discovered his way blocked by the sword belonging to the orange haired twin-Ana. They stared at each other for a minute, and then Ana flew off again to help her sister chop more things. Red, feeling somewhat disturbed, retreated back beside Link.
The boys continued to watch the girls zip around and chop things up until they heard a whole lot of yelling coming from the cafeteria. Marth, being the closest to the door, stuck his head out of the kitchen door to see what was going on in there.
"GRAARR! I TOLD YOU! NO RESETTIN'! WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?"
Sticking out in the middle of the cafeteria floor was Mr. Resetti, in all his moleish glory, yelling at the nintendog that Marth recognized as the same one that would hop up on to the stage, get in the way, and just be so annoying that Marth wanted to thrust Falchion right through its head.
"Ooh..." Mr. Resetti moaned, holding his head. "World's gettin' dark...gotta stop spinnin'...whew. All that yellin' got me dizzy. Ain't enough air around here. Throat hurts, too!" He then noticed Marth staring at him from the kitchen doorway, and began to yell at him. "So whaddya want? Huh? You called me, didn't ya?"
"No," Marth said, shaking his head. "Why aren't you with the other assist trophies in the storage room?"
"Yeah, I know, it's my job," the mole continued as if Marth had never spoken, "so there's no point in gettin' my whiskers twisted, but...when the sirens go off in HQ, I gotta start diggin'. It don't matter what I'm doin', I gotta drop it an' go. I'm eatin' dinner? Plate's on the floor, fork's in the ceilin'. In the tub? Wet mole. Don't believe me?" he asked rhetorically. "Feel my fur! Go on, touch it! TOUCH IT!" Marth shook his head violently, waving his arms in protest. He did not want to touch a wet mole.
"None of you punks can see it," Mr. Resetti babbled, "but all I'm wearin' downstairs is a towel! I got dirt clods in places they don't belong, understand?"
Ignoring the image now in his head, Marth asked the mole again, "Why are all the assist trophies running around the mansion instead of being in the storage room where they're supposed to be?"
"And another thing..." Mr. Resetti began angrily, "what's the big idea treatin' me like an item, huh? If I could move around on my own? Join those there brawls? Oooh, look out!" Mr. Resetti began to wildly swing his paws around. "I would tear that place right UP! Mole elbow over here! BAM! Dirt nap there! SLAM! You'd be runnin' home to Mama!" Then Mr. Resetti got angry again and began to rant some more. "Grr! What a rip-off! Where's it written that moles gotta stay underground? HUH?"
"Well-" Marth attempted.
"Aw...forget it. Bein' a burrowin' mammal ain't ALL bad, ya know? I got dirt and worms...an'...dirt...well, I get to tell YOU what's what, right? Set you straight...That's good enough for me...you bet it is...sniff..."
"Oh, please don't cry, it's okay," Marth consoled.
"I ain't cryin', I got dirt in my eye, you hear what I'm sayin'? RESETTI DON'T CRY!" Marth flinched when the mole yelled. "Listen, punk, bein' able to hop and jump all over the place ain't all it's cracked up to be. You don't stretch right, you could twist an ankle or twang a hamstring or somethin'. All that punchin' and kickin' has gotta be hard on a body. I got no problem with you showin' off your moves. Some of 'em are pretty fancy, but...what I don't wanna see is any scrappin' 'bout who won and who lost, ya hear?"
Marth nodded. "All right."
Mr. Resetti smiled for the first time. "Whew! I'm gonna run my yap this much, I gotta buy me some of them throat lozenges." He stretched. Then: "All right, then...I'm gonna hit the tunnels." He went to burrow back down through the floor, but then had an afterthought and turned back to Marth. "Do me a favor, will ya? Use the restroom before ya hit the sack! Now...SCRAM!" And he disappeared underground.
Marth stepped back into the kitchen where Ike, Link, Pit, and Red still were, but now eating the chopped up food. The prince leaned against the counter and breathed a massive sigh of relief.
"What went on out there?" Link asked around a mouthful of carrot.
"Oh, you know," Marth said casually, "just your everyday yelling match between a dog and a mole…though the mole did most of the yelling," he mused, "and I don't even know where the dog went because he left in the middle of the whole thing…"
Ike, who had been eavesdropping, laughed and clapped his friend on the shoulder. "You should eat something, you look like you did when professor Oak tried to explain pokémon evolution to you."
"Marth, explain to me again why we need to call Mr. Cameron from outside the mansion?"
"Because," Marth sighed, irritated by the fact that this was the fifth time Link had asked him the same question, "my cell reception inside the mansion is, quite frankly, absolutely terrible."
"All right then, but make it quick."
As Marth dialed the last number and put the phone up to his ear, Link went to sit down near the outside wall of the mansion but shot right back up again. "OUCH!"
"What is it?" Ike asked from his perch on the stairs.
"Damn it," Link growled, "what the hell did I…?" he looked down to where he had tried to sit. "Oh, come ON!" He picked up whatever he had sat on and held it up for all to see. It was a Spiny.
Ike found it hard not to laugh at Link's terrible luck. "If you sat on the spiny, then Lakitu must be around here somewhere as well…ah," Ike spotted Lakitu floating around only a little ways away from where they were, dropping spinies around wherever it pleased.
"Marth, hurry up and finish that call," Link demanded even though the Altean clearly was otherwise occupied.
A few minutes later, Marth ended the call. "There," he said, "Mr. Cameron will be here soon to round up the assist trophies and put them back where they belong. In the meantime, he said for us to go inside and to 'not cause any more trouble.'" He said the last part while making mock quotations in the air with his fingers.
"What, does he think we did it?" Link asked, his tone clearly betraying his injured pride.
Ike laughed. "It wouldn't surprise me if it turned out it really was one of us behind it."
"Well, I don't know about you two, but I'm going inside before this all gets pinned on me." Marth marched up the steps, passed Ike, and went in the door. Ike and Link exchanged a look, shrugged, and followed suite.
The next morning, Marth opened his bedroom door to find Link standing in front of it, fuming.
"Remember your brilliant idea to call Mr. Cameron to round up the assist trophies?" He continued on without leaving room for Marth to answer. "Well, it turns out he forgot something." He took his hands out from behind his back and presented Marth with a spiny not unlike the one that the Hylian had sat on the day before.
"Where did you find that?" Marth queried.
Link pressed his lips together before answering. "In my bed," he said tightly.
Marth snickered. "Well, I guess you should go return that to Lakitu."
"Nope, you're going to." Link threw the spiny at Marth and ran off.
"Hey!" Marth ducked sharply to avoid the spiny, then yelled out the door after Link. "That was cheap!"
"Return it quickly, I hear Lakitu gets very agitated when its spinies are missing!"
There were no hesitations after that. Marth very gingerly picked up the spiny and rushed it over to the assist trophy storage room, and that was the end of the assist trophies's free run of the Smash Mansion.
Couple of things:
First, Marth really is on to something when he says that there's something up with Kat and Ana's names.
Second, that big long rant of Resetti's is one of his actual speeches that he says when he appears in brawls, with the exception of a few words changed and phrases eliminated to fit the context.
Third, to silverheartlugia2000, yes I am planning on using your request. I have special plans for it :) Watch for it around April 1st! (You can probably figure out what I'm planning to do with it now…)
Okay, I'm done. Peace!