No snarky author's notes before this chapter either haha. Here is chapter 28!
Natasha had to adjust to Clint's absence all over again, but it was easier this time around since she'd already went through it once before. As the school week went by, Natasha became busier with homework and work. Throw in college research and applications and Natasha was usually way too busy. To say the least, she usually only had time for a five minute phone call with Clint each night.
Clint didn't come home the weekend following Labor Day. It wasn't as if he had plans to anyways, so Natasha wasn't disappointed all that much, but she was still upset that she wouldn't get to see him. However, it was convenient for Natasha. She planned on spending the entire weekend researching colleges with Peggy, Jane, and Bruce.
For as long as Natasha had known Bruce, they'd never been considered friends, but with all the classes they had together, they were becoming fast friends. They were lab partners in Selvig's class and Natasha tutored Bruce in French. Bruce ate lunch with Peggy, Jane, and Natasha, and they had sometimes invited Bruce to study with them after school.
During the third week of September, Clint told Natasha that he would be coming home to visit that weekend. Natasha was ecstatic, and she wanted him to be around while she was making her college decisions. As much as she didn't want to apply to Penn State, she figured she would do it anyways for Clint, but she still wanted him to know that she was interested in other places.
Natasha had different interests in colleges than Clint did. Putting Penn State aside, she was interested in a lot of private colleges and universities, some of them even Ivy Leagues. New York University was at the top of her list and the thought of being even further away from Clint next year – if she were to get accepted – made her sad. She complained so much about being three hours away from him while she was home; it would seem illogical for her to be okay with being at NYU, nearly four hours away from Clint.
Natasha spoke to her boss at Sweet Creams to check that it was okay to switch some shifts around so she could spend more time with Clint when he came home. Natasha never really asked for much, and she was one of the better waitresses on the staff, so her boss obliged and scheduled Natasha only for Friday night. Clint would be traveling for the most part of Friday night so it worked.
She didn't expect to see Clint walking through the front door of Sweet Creams that night. She had been walking out into the dining area with a handful of entrees she was delivering to one of her tables when she spotted him out of the corner of her eye. When she did, she nearly dropped the plates she was holding. But having sharp reflexes, she kept a good grasp on the plates, steadied herself, and continued to walk to the table to deliver their food.
Once she delivered the food to her tables and checked on the others, she walked over to Clint and gave him a nervous "hi." He smiled, then kissed her on the cheek and then on the lips. Her legs almost gave way and Clint steadied her. When they pulled away, Natasha realized that it wasn't the fact that she missed Clint, she just wanted him home. It was the only way that everything could feel right and complete again.
It was Saturday night and Clint and Natasha were sitting on Natasha's living room couch. Natasha's legs were draped over Clint's lap. Clint's English textbook was propped up against Natasha's legs and Natasha had her laptop on her lap. Every so often, Clint's fingers would brush up against Natasha's soft legs; she had shaved earlier that day and he liked the feeling.
"What about UCLA?" Natasha said. She tapped her pencil against her lips as she scrolled up and down the UCLA homepage.
"UCLA?" Clint asked. "Isn't that in, well, L.A.?"
"Yeah," Natasha said nonchalantly.
"How would we see each other?"
"Oh there's no possibility of me going there anyways. It's just an option I'm toying around with," she said.
"Nat, umm, I've got to ask you something," Clint said, closing his English textbook.
"Yeah, sure, go ahead," Natasha said, not taking her eyes off of her laptop screen.
"Could you look at me?" Clint asked.
Natasha looked up and Clint immediately saw her beautiful green eyes. He almost forgot what he was going to ask her.
"Umm, okay. I just wanted to know your logic in picking out these schools," Clint said nervously.
"What do you mean?" she asked.
The last thing Clint wanted to do was ask this. He was sure it was going to set her off.
"Well, umm," he hesitated. "I kind of picked out schools that were mostly within the state, with the exception of Boston University and Montclair, but you're picking schools that are all over the place."
"Yeah? So?" she asked.
"Umm, I chose Penn State…because of you," Clint said. "I chose it to be relatively close but still a decent distance away from home."
Natasha nodded and Clint continued.
"Are you thinking at all about me when you make these decisions?" Clint asked uneasily. He wasn't sure how she was going to take that.
"Of course I'm thinking about you," she said.
"So then, once again, how are we going to see each other? You have two schools in this state on your list and they are Penn State and University of Pennsylvania. All of the others are…elsewhere," Clint said.
"Okay," Natasha said, "but you constantly tell me that we'll make it work so I'm sure we can make it work next year too."
"I tell you that because you just kind of have major freak outs," Clint said. As soon as the word left his mouth, he regretted it. He could just see the anger in her eyes.
"Freak outs?" she said, gritting her teeth.
"I didn't mean it like that!" Clint blurted out quickly, hoping to avoid major confrontation. "I just meant that you get nervous that we won't see each other. It's almost clingy."
Oh shit, he thought. She's going to kill me. I just called her clingy.
He watched as she reduced her eyes to slits and stared him down. If looks could kill, Clint would probably be dead right now.
"Did you just call me clingy?" Natasha asked icily.
"Nope," Clint said nervously. Maybe if I deny it, she'll think it never happened, he thought.
"How the hell can I be clingy when you're away at college?" Natasha asked incredulously.
"W-well, when you're…when you're around me, you never want to leave," Clint stammered.
"Well, yeah," she said, practically emphasizing the "duh" behind her statement.
Clint swallowed nervously. He'd really dug himself into a hole and he wasn't really sure how to get out of it. He might as well have been digging his own grave with the way Natasha was currently looking at him.
"J-just, umm, never mind," Clint said, reopening his English textbook and keeping his eyes trained on the page.
"No Clint, let's talk about how I'm clingy apparently," Natasha said, slamming her laptop shut and setting it on the coffee table. She folded her arms across her chest and continued to stare down Clint.
"No Tasha, you're not clingy. You're just dealing with this distance thing differently than other people would I guess," Clint said, his eyes still focused on his English textbook.
"You don't understand why I feel the way I do," Natasha mumbled.
Clint looked up from his textbook and gave her a confused look.
"All my life, including now, my parents neglected me. Even now my dad's never home because he's too busy hanging out with Mr. Osborn. I have trust issues because my parents' marriage was built on lies. My mother cheated the entire time and neither one of them chose to tell me. Sure, you don't tell a six-year-old 'Hey, Mom's fooling around with some guy. Want to go get some ice cream to make you feel better about it?' but they still should've told me at some point.
"But then you came along. You're the only one who I trusted. You're the only one who actually genuinely liked me, but for you to tell me that I'm clingy makes me feel like total shit.
"So, I'm sorry I'm dependant on you because I have no one else to depend on."
She finished her spiel and got up from the couch, grabbing her laptop from the coffee table, and headed out of the room.
"Nat, where are you going?" Clint said.
"To my room. You can show yourself out," she called over her shoulder. A couple seconds later, he heard her door slam. Clint groaned and buried his face in his hands. He shoved his textbook into his backpack and slung his backpack over his shoulder.
Even though she told him to show himself out, he wasn't going to just leave. He walked across the room and into the hallway, stopping at the first door on the left.
"Tasha, umm, I'm going to leave," he said.
No answer.
"I'll…I'll call you when I get home?"
No answer. Clint sighed and made his way out of the house. Of all the times for her to get mad at him and for them to get in a fight, it had to be one of the weekends he came home to visit.
As he mulled over the argument as he drove home, he felt guilty. Clingy probably wasn't the smartest word choice but he couldn't take it back now. Apparently it had stung a bit when he called her clingy, but he hoped she would forgive him. Now that he thought about it, he didn't mean it. He just wished she would believe him when he told her he would make their relationship work long distance.
However, Clint was equally hurt that she wasn't going to try to make the long distance relationship work. Clint had made his college decision based on Natasha. She wasn't completely the reason, but she was certainly a factor. Clint had ultimately made his decision based on the fact that Penn State was a great school and it was exciting to attend, but the fact that it was a reasonable distance away from home was also a factor. That meant coming home wouldn't be a problem and he wasn't too far away from Natasha.
Now that she was making her college decisions, he was hurt that she was choosing schools all across the country. It seemed as if she wasn't taking their relationship into any sort of account. Clint had done so, so why wasn't she?
Mrs. Barton gave Clint a strange look when he walked through the door earlier than expected. He trudged up the stairs without a word to either one of his parents and made his way to his room. He pulled his backpack from his back and dropped it on the floor. He flopped down onto his bed and whipped out his phone from his back pocket. Searching through his contacts, he found Natasha's name and tapped the screen to call her.
Her phone rang several times before going to voicemail and Clint groaned out of frustration. When the automated message told him to leave a message, he did.
"Tasha, please call me. I'm sorry for what I said. I don't want to go back to school tomorrow without fixing this," he said. He paused, thinking of what else to say, then added, "I love you" and hung up.
Clint woke the next morning to the sound of his phone ringing. He groggily searched for it in his bed until he found it buried in between the sheets. The screen flashed Natasha's name and he hastily answered it.
"Tasha, hey," he said, rubbing one of his eyes, sitting bolt upright in bed.
"Sorry, did I wake you?" Natasha said softly from the other end.
"No, no," he said. "I had to get up soon to get ready to leave later anyways."
"Oh," was all she said.
"So you got my message last night?" Clint asked eagerly.
"Yeah," she said. "I probably shouldn't have reacted that way."
"I probably shouldn't have said that. You're not clingy," Clint said.
Natasha let out a small laugh. "If you think about it, I am, kind of."
"No you're not," Clint said. They stayed on the phone in silence for a couple of minutes, the sound of their breathing only coming through the line.
"I probably should reevaluate my college list shouldn't I?" Natasha said, almost as if she was defeated.
"No, Nat. No," Clint said. Clint had to admit that he had overreacted a bit over Natasha's college list. If she wanted to study at Richmond in the United Kingdom, or UCLA, or Penn State, that's not his decision. The fact that she didn't think about him at all was what really hurt him.
"Apply where you want. Wherever you go, I'll support you and I'll do everything I can to visit you," Clint said.
"I don't want you to feel obligated," she said.
"Nat, I'm your boyfriend," he pointed out. "It's not an obligation, it's a choice."
"Okay," she said just above a whisper.
They sat in silence for a couple more minutes until Natasha spoke up.
"Clint, you don't have to come home next weekend," Natasha said. Last night, before their argument, Clint had thrown around the idea of coming home again next weekend. At the time, Natasha had been excited that she would see him again but now, she wasn't so sure.
"Tasha, I do. I want to come home," Clint protested.
"I just think you should stay at Penn State and only come home for your breaks," she said.
"No! That's ridiculous! Why would you say that?" he asked in confusion.
"I started thinking, last night after the fight, that I've been holding you back," she started but Clint interrupted.
"Why would you think that, Tasha? That's stupid."
"I have. I have been holding you back. How about next year when I'm off at college? I'll just hold you back even more if you have to keep visiting me," she said.
What the hell is she talking about? Clint thought to himself.
"I just think that, maybe, we should…stop this," she said, her voice cracking.
"What are you saying Nat?" Clint asked forcefully.
"I think…" she trailed off, and he could hear her heave a sob. "I think we should break up."
It took several seconds, or maybe even minutes, until Clint was able to process what she said. When he did, he was speechless.
"I don't want to lose you," she said, her voice shaking. "If we keep this going, I feel like I will. Right now, I just feel like I want my best friend back."
"I'm still here! Your best friend is still here! We don't have to end this Natasha!" Clint exclaimed.
"I think we do," she said, her voice still shaking.
"No, please," he begged. "I'm going to come over before I leave for school and we're going to fix this."
"It's fixed," she mumbled.
"Natasha, no! Come on!" he pleaded.
"You can still call me if you want," she said, "but I think you should stay at school and focus on your studies. Study really hard and get good grades."
"Natasha, stop! This has to stop!" he practically yelled into the phone. "We are not breaking up!"
He could hear her on the other end of the line trying to choke back the sobs that were trying to escape her chest but she was failing miserably at it.
"Listen to yourself Nat. Do you hear what this is doing to you?" Clint demanded. He had to keep his composure for her. If he broke down and let her know how much this was hurting him, it would break her beyond repair.
"We are not breaking up," he repeated through clenched teeth.
"Clint, we are," she said. "If it doesn't work, then I'll still be here, waiting."
Clint let out a breath. She wasn't going to give up.
"You're still my best friend. Nothing will change that," she muttered.
He wasn't going to lose her completely but it still hurt like hell.
"Yeah, best friend," he agreed. "I guess I'll see you when I see you then."
"Yeah," she said, her voice shaking again.
"You wouldn't mind if I told you one last time…" he trailed off. When he got silence, he decided that he was going to say it anyways.
"I love you Natasha Alianovna Romanoff," Clint said, his voice cracking.
"I love you too, Clint Francis Barton," she said. He could hear her full-blown crying right now and it took every ounce of restraint in his body to not break down with her.
When he heard the line go dead, he felt his whole body go numb. He didn't move. Hell, he wondered if he'd even blinked. He stayed like that until his mother came up to his bedroom to tell him he had to get ready for the trip back to State College.
He didn't want to go back. He wanted to be as close to Natasha as possible, but he rolled out of bed anyways and packed his belongings up in a haze.
When Natasha hung up the phone, she couldn't contain the sobs and the tears that she had bottled up on the phone. She'd just made the worst decision of her life, and she wished she could take it back, but she had to stand her ground.
She knew that she was going to put Clint through hell by doing this to him, and she was going through hell herself, but she needed to know if he would move on without her. That was the only way she would know if she would be holding him back. If he did, it would make it that much easier for her to make a decision for college.
It was true. She had been clingy. She had been selfish. Therefore, she had to let him go. As much as it pained her, she had to do it. She knew the recovery wouldn't be easy. It was never easy, at least that's what she learned from movies and TV shows. They'd given so much to each other and they knew so much about each other. It was almost as if they were losing a part of themselves.
Natasha stayed on the floor of her bedroom – with her back resting against her bed and her knees curled up to her chest – for the rest of the day until her father came home. He found her as a complete emotional wreck, lying on the floor of her bedroom. He didn't ask questions, he just picked her up and placed her in her bed, pulling the covers over her.
He reminded himself that he would have to call the school in the morning to inform them that Natasha was in no condition to make it to school.
Please don't hate me! Please don't hate me! Please don't hate me! I felt like this needed to happen but I ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY PROMISE that there will be a happy ending, and things will be fixed in the next chapter. My promise was written in italics, bold, and all caps, so you have to trust me on this. I already have the majority of the next chapter written, but I'm gonna make you guys squirm a bit; I'm not going to post it until I get off of work tomorrow at 4. Muahahahahaha!
By the way, when I wrote the final "I love yous," I actually teared up so if you guys don't, you're heartless.
So, once again, please don't hate me. Please trust me on this. I had to happen. Anyways, as always, thank you for adding this story to your favorites, signing up for alerts, and reviewing. Please let me know if you guys are still alive. If you're not, then you won't be able to read the next chapter! What a shame. Anyways, please review, and just trust me on this. I promise it will be fixed in the next chapter.