Chapter 3:
War of the Wild West
––
Golden Spur Ranch
10:00 am
Hanner was unable to contain her excitement as the group of four emerged from the Warp Pipe and arrived at their destination.
"Oh my gosh!! Look at this place, you guys! It's so cool!!" she gushed, scampering around joyfully. "It's just like I imagined! It's like we walked right into a movie!"
"Yeah, the most cliché movie in the world," Goomblaine sniffed.
Sure enough, Golden Spur Ranch was everything you would expect from an old Wild West town. There were rows of rickety wooden buildings lining either side of the unpaved, dusty street. Just from what they could see, there was a Saloon, a General Store, a blacksmith's, and a few houses as well. There were also a few hitching posts outside the buildings where people could bring their trusty steeds, which, from the looks of it, were Yoshis.
And of course, just about everybody was wearing a cowboy hat.
"Come on, you guys, let's go sightseeing!" Hanner cried urgently, tugging on Mario's wrist. "I wanna see the whole town! And get lots of pictures!"
"Hanner, calm down for a second," Mario said firmly, removing her hand. "Remember, the only reason we're here is to get clearance to Mustard Mines. We really don't have any time to waste."
"Uh, Mario… time doesn't move, remember?" the Hammer Sis joked. "We have all the time in the world to waste! Now hurry up, you guys!"
Mario was unable to stop Hanner as she dashed off down the street, looking absolutely thrilled. Having no choice, the other three followed after her, albeit at a walking pace. Stubba was looking around the town in interest, while Goomblaine, like always, looked like he could have cared less.
Hanner was racing along, laughing and cheering, when all of a sudden she skidded to a stop and backpedaled several steps. She stopped in front of a long, dark alley between two buildings, and her eyes grew wide.
"MARIOOOOO!!" she cried, jumping up and down to get his attention. "HURRY OVER HERE, QUICK QUICK QUICK!!"
Completely dumbfounded by her behavior, Mario dashed up to her and looked down the alley where she was pointing, still fidgeting in excitement.
"Ohhhh, I see it."
Hovering down at the end of the alley was a familiar-looking group of rainbow-colored sparkles.
Within moments, Mario had emerged from the alley holding the Luma in his hands, assuring it that they were about to bring it back home.
"And then I can get powered up too, right, Mario? Finally!" cheered Hanner, who was literally bouncing up and down around him. Goomblaine was looking even more ticked off at her than usual, if that was possible.
Walking up the street a little ways, they finally found the Star Pedestal just to the left of the entrance to the General Store. Just as the previous ones had done, the Luma leapt out of his hands and perched right on the pedestal, promising it would increase the power of one of Mario's partners out of thanks. Hanner eagerly stepped forward, and the Luma began twirling around until a shower of sparkles fell around her and engulfed her in light.
Hanner was upgraded to Super Rank! She can now use Shrink Hammer to decrease enemies' size, dropping their attack power!
"Aww… that's it?" she sighed as the Luma shot off into the sky. "No pinball power for me?"
"Personally, I think being able to shrink people is pretty cool," Mario offered.
"Yeah, I guess."
"All right, so we finally got that taken care of," Goomblaine said in a huff. "Now can we please get outta Hicksville here before somebody busts out the dueling banjos?!"
"Aww, but I wanna see the whole town!" Stubba protested. "Hanner said it would be really cool."
Mario sighed. "Hanner, Stubba, I know you're excited and everything, but we didn't come here to go sightseeing. We have a job to do."
"Fine, then. You go to Mustard Mines. Stubba and I are gonna go buy some rock candy. Isn't that right?"
"Yeah!!" the little Clubba cheered as he and Hanner raced inside the store. Goomblaine just shook his head.
Much as Mario hated to admit it to himself, Golden Spur Ranch was looking more and more fun the longer he looked at it. Everybody seemed to be having a good time, and surely a place like this had plenty of things to do.
But he couldn't waste any time. There was a Sun Soul hidden out there somewhere, and it was his job to find it. As much as he wanted to, he couldn't goof off.
At least he told himself that until he noticed the corral.
"Hoo-wee, fellers!" came a raucous voice from the outer edge of town. "This has been one excitin' day, I'll give ya that! But still we ain't found one soul man enough to ride Dusty, the roughest, toughest steed this side a' Mustard Mines!"
Goomblaine squeezed his eyes shut. "Who's makin' all that racket?"
Curious, Mario looked down the adjacent road that led away from the main street and off to a barren patch of land on the outskirts of the town. There was a large group of people standing outside a circular wooden fence, and standing inside of it was a very large, ferocious-looking red Yoshi with a saddle on his back.
"Come on, folks, don't tell me yer all chicken!" shouted the announcer, a denim-colored Bob-omb wearing an oversized cowboy hat. "There's gotta be one feller here who can give ol' Dusty a run fer his money!"
"I'll go easy on ya, I promise!" the Yoshi laughed jovially.
Mario blinked. "Huh… looks like they're having a rodeo or something."
Right on cue, Hanner and Stubba came barging out of the store, already with their faces smeared with sugar.
"Did you say rodeo?!" Hanner shrilled. "LET'S GO, GUYS!!!"
She took off like a rocket over to the corral, with Mario, Goomblaine and Stubba struggling to keep up with her. She shoved a group of observing spectators out of the way to get a front-row view as a very tough-looking Toad clambered onto Dusty's back.
"Now, you know the rules of the rodeo, folks! This feller's gotta stay on Dusty for eight whole seconds!" the Bob-omb announced as Mario, Goomblaine and Stubba shoved their way up next to Hanner. "Think ya can handle it, partner?"
"You kiddin'?" chuckled the Toad. "I rode tougher steeds then this back when I was a cloud a' spores!"
Hanner blinked. "Uh… Mario… that's not really how Toads reproduce, is it?"
"No, Hanner, that's just an expression. At least, I'm pretty sure it is."
"All right, you varmint, let's see what ya got!" said the Toad, digging his spurs into Dusty's flank. "GIDDYA – WAAAAAAUGHH!!!"
He managed to hold on for about three seconds before the ferocious bucking Yoshi sent him flying off, crashing into the crowd and bowling several people over. Everyone else groaned.
"…Maybe front row seats weren't such a good idea," Hanner decided.
"Aw, what a shame, folks," the Bob-omb sighed. "Come on now, ol' Dusty's gettin' bored over here! There's gotta be somebody here worthy a' this magnificent steed!"
Mario failed to notice Stubba's eyes growing wide in fascination until it was too late.
"I'll do it!!" the little Clubba shouted, climbing over the fence and racing over to the Yoshi.
Mario did a double take. "Stubba?! Stubba!! Get back over here right now!!"
"Well, looky here, fellers!" the Bob-omb laughed. "You really think you can ride Dusty here for eight whole seconds, little partner?"
"You bet I can!"
"Sir! He's just a kid!!" Mario cried desperately, but nobody seemed to hear him.
"Stubba, don't!!" Hanner pleaded.
"Well, this oughta be interesting," Goomblaine said smugly. Hanner glowered at him and whacked him with her hammer.
"Hmm… you sure about this, kid? I ain't no minor leaguer, you know," Dusty warned Stubba as he struggled to climb onto his back.
"Don't worry! I'm not scared!"
"Well, okay then…" Dusty gave a shrug, and then, without a warning, he threw himself into the air, bucking and flailing wildly.
"I can't watch! I'm going to be sued for child endangerment!!" Mario wailed, covering his eyes.
Hanner and Goomblaine, on the other hand, were staring in interest. "Mario… I think you do wanna watch this," said the Hammer Sis.
"Huh?" Mario uncovered his eyes in time to see Dusty racing around the outer edge of the corral, snorting like a stallion and throwing up a cloud of dust as he kicked the air again and again. But Stubba was still holding on, and he was laughing.
"WEEEEEEEEE!!" he cheered.
"Dang, folks! We got us a miracle! That was eight seconds already!" the Bob-omb gawked.
"Oh, I ain't done here yet," Dusty growled, refusing to be outdone. Suddenly he began kicking twice as hard as hard as before, jumping even higher and racing around even faster. He twisted madly around, frantically trying to throw the little Clubba off. But still Stubba clung on, bouncing up and down in the saddle and having the time of his short little life.
"…I don't believe this!" Mario exclaimed.
"We're not gonna tell his parents about this, are we?" asked Hanner.
Finally, poor Dusty looked too exhausted to even stand anymore. He stopped bucking and slowed to a stop, staggering around for a few seconds before collapsing onto the ground. His Yoshi-length tongue lolled out of his mouth, and he groaned.
"Aww… is it over already?" Stubba sighed, climbing off.
"Folks, I don't believe what I'm seein' here!" the Bob-omb cried. "Ain't nobody has ever outlasted ol' Dusty before! This little cowpoke just shattered the town record!!"
"I did? Yay!" cheered Stubba.
"Let's hear it for 'im, folks! The newest legend a' Golden Spur Ranch!!" shouted the Bob-omb, and everyone in the crowd burst into a deafening round of cheers, whistles, and applause.
"I think you should tell his parents," Mario muttered to Hanner.
––
"Okay, now have we wasted enough time around here?" Goomblaine demanded some time later. "Seriously, what happened to no sightseeing?!"
"I think Goomblaine's right, you guys. We've had enough fun for one day," Mario sighed, carefully fingering the Power Plus Badge that Stubba had won from the rodeo. "If we have time after we get the Sun Soul, we'll come back. Now we should focus on getting to Mustard Mines."
"Hmm… well, I'm guessing we have to talk to that guy," Hanner decided, pointing directly ahead.
Mario looked. The four of them had been walking up the main street towards the far end of town, in the direction they thought would lead them to the mines. Now they found themselves looking at a large wooden archway with a pair of horseshoes hanging decoratively from it. Below that was a metal gate with a Craw standing in front of it.
"Oh, just perfect. Another gatekeeper?!" Goomblaine growled. "The first one was annoying enough."
Hanner scowled and whacked him a second time.
"Well, Mario, maybe if we explain our situation to him, he'll want to join us too," she offered half-jokingly.
"Hmm, I doubt it. I don't think the universe likes me that much."
Nonetheless, the four of them walked over to the gatekeeper, who had apparently traded in his standard-issue spear for a small gun he had in his holster. He raised an eyebrow at them as they approached.
"What can I do you gents for?" he asked suspiciously.
"Well, actually, we were hoping to get to Mustard Mines, if that's all right," Mario explained. "This is the way over there, isn't it?"
"Sure as yer born, it is." He shifted his stance, standing squarely in front of the gate. "And sure as yer born, you fellers ain't goin' over there."
Mario rolled his eyes. Somehow he'd predicted this.
"Aww, come on! How come?" asked Stubba.
"How come? Mustard Mines is private property, that's how come! And you folks look like you just blew into town. You could be all types a' suspicious, for all I know."
"Oh, come on. If we were planning on doing something suspicious, we'd be more subtle about it," Hanner assured him.
"I didn't think you knew what subtle meant," Goomblaine scoffed, quickly ducking to avoid being whacked a third time.
"What my friends are trying to say is, we're looking for something really important over there," Mario said apologetically. "It would really be in the whole town's best interest if you let us go."
"Uh huh." The gatekeeper didn't look at all convinced. "Well if yer really so dead set on goin', partner, I'll tell ya this much. You can't get through here without the sheriff's permission. You find him and he gives you the okay, I guess I'll let you pass."
"Perfect. Thanks so much," Mario said graciously as the gatekeeper pointed them in the direction of the sheriff's office.
"If that guy didn't let us go, what makes you think the sheriff will?" Goomblaine grumbled as they headed over.
"As always, Goomblaine, we really don't have any other choice. Anyway, I'm sure he'll be reasonable and at least hear us out."
Unfortunately, they didn't end up quite so lucky. Mario rapped on the door, and there was no answer. He frowned, knocked again, and still nothing. Finally he tried to open the door himself, only to find it was locked fast.
"Just perfect," said Goomblaine.
"Not a very responsible guy, is he?" Hanner remarked.
Not knowing what else to do, the foursome walked back over to the gate. Predictably, the gatekeeper didn't look too pleased to see them again.
"The sheriff's not even there, genius. It's locked," Goomblaine announced.
The gatekeeper actually looked surprised. "Ain't he there?" he wondered. "Boy, I just saw that feller a few minutes ago. Well, I reckon he's just off doin' rounds or some such. He'll be back eventually."
"Well, we really don't have time to wait around to get his permission," Mario implored. "Can't we just not, and say we did?"
The gatekeeper looked between the four of them, whose expressions ranged from pleading to completely apathetic.
"Look," he finally sighed. "You folks seem nice enough, but rules is rules. I gotta stay here and guard this here gate, and that's a fact. And I don't reckon the sheriff would take it too kindly if I shirked off on my job just for you fellers."
"Is he really strict?" asked Hanner.
"Oh, I tell ya that feller's married to the law. An iron fist of justice, he is."
Stubba frowned. "He sounds mean."
"Ah, he's tough but fair. So long as you stay on his good side. But anyway, my point still stands. You ain't got his permission, I ain't movin' from this gate."
"All right… thanks anyway," Mario sighed, finally admitting defeat. He turned and walked away from the gate, his partners following after him.
"This has always gotta happen to us," Goomblaine griped. "Just what are we supposed to do now?!"
"Ah, quit worrying so much," said Hanner. "I'm sure we can think of some other way to get past that guy."
"I could maybe break the gate open, Mario!" Stubba said helpfully, holding up his club.
Mario smiled. "Thanks, Stubba, but I'd rather not do anything that's going to get us in trouble. Especially if the sheriff is really that strict. We'd better just wait for him to show up."
––
To make a long story short, he didn't show up.
"All right, this is getting ridiculous," Mario decided. "Nobody in town seems to know where he is. I'm going to stop by in the Saloon and see if I can get any info."
"Ah, just like in the movies," Hanner said with relish. "Getting info from suspicious characters in a shady old saloon."
"Right. Which is exactly why I need you three to stay out here."
Hanner frowned. "Aww, c'mon! That's no fun!"
"I'm serious, Hanner. It might not be safe in there. You guys just wait here until I come back out. Hopefully I won't be long."
"Oh, fine," the Hammer Sis sighed, with Stubba looking equally disappointed. Mario meant what he said, though; just from passing by the place, the Saloon didn't seem nearly as friendly as the rest of the town.
Without his partners, Mario walked across the street over to the Saloon. He took a deep breath in front of the entrance, then pushed open the swinging wooden doors and walked inside.
The first thing he was aware of was how dark it was. And smoky. The only source of light was a dimly lit chandelier on the ceiling, which he only noticed after he had finished coughing.
As soon as his eyes adjusted to the dimness, he saw that the Saloon was full of circular tables, around which many gruff-looking guys were gathered with hands full of playing cards. There was a bar with several stools lined up, with a grumpy-looking Toad doling out drinks. Far in the back corner, a Doogan in a barbershop outfit was pounding on an old honky-tonk piano.
Mario gulped. Already he was starting to feel like this was a mistake.
Very aware of the numerous pairs of eyes that were following him, he anxiously walked across the Saloon over to the bar and slid onto one of the barstools. The bartender narrowed his eyes at the plumber.
What was he thinking? If anyone in here knew about the sheriff, they weren't the types who were going to tell it to him.
"Well, hey there," crooned a female voice from next to him. Startled, Mario jumped and found himself looking at a female Toad with a lot of makeup on. She was wearing a tight-fitting red dress with black lace and had a few feathers sticking out of her cap.
"Uh… hi," Mario muttered, turning away to look at the table.
"What's a fine feller like you doin' in here all alone?" she persisted. "My name's Fleur T. Why don't you buy me a nice Super Soda, huh?"
"Uh, I'm sorry, but I'm not here for anything like that," Mario replied shortly. "I'm just trying to meet the sheriff."
Fleur T. snorted. "Well, he ain't in here, that's for sure. He's been tryin' to shut this place down. Thinks it's bad for the town's image, or some bull."
"Well, can you at least tell me where I can find him?" Mario asked in exasperation.
In response, Fleur grabbed the shocked Mario by his overalls and pulled him over to a nearby table, where a group of other Toads and Bob-ombs were in the middle of a heated card game. They all looked up and raised their eyebrows at the sight of the flustered plumber.
"This feller here says he wants to meet the sheriff," she told them. "You nice boys can help him out, right?"
The card players all looked between each other and snickered. Mario began to wish he were somewhere very far away.
"Sure, partner, we might could tell ya how to meet the sheriff," said the Toad dealer, who was sitting on the opposite side of the rectangular table from the others. "What say you play us in a little card game? If y'all beat us, we'll tell ya whatever you want."
"Fine," Mario groaned, deciding he'd gone in too deep to get out of this now. He pulled up a chair and sat between two of the players.
"The game is Faro, gentlemen," the dealer announced, shuffling all the cards. "I trust y'all are familiar with that game?"
"I'll figure it out…"
"Oooh, Mario! Are you playing Crazy Eights?"
Mario briefly glanced over his shoulder, then did a double take and spun around. Goomblaine, Hanner and Stubba were all standing innocently behind him.
"What the – you guys! What are you doing? You are all three too young to be in here!"
"Sorry, Mario. But Stubba had to go to the bathroom," Hanner said apologetically.
"Mario, I gotta peeeeeeeee," whined the little Clubba.
"Oh, fine. I think there's a bathroom back there," Mario sighed, waving them off toward the back of the Saloon. The three of them immediately took off.
As the game of Faro got under way, Mario slowly but surely got the hang of the rules. There were pictures of thirteen cards on the table, one Spade of every rank, and the players would bet on one or more cards by sliding a stack of Coins next to it. The dealer then discarded the top card in the deck and revealed the next card, or "losing card". Regardless of what suit it was, he collected all bets that had been placed on that same rank. He then drew the next card, or "winning card", and paid out all bets that had been placed on that rank. Then it started over, with a new round of bets being placed. It was simple but fast-paced, and Mario counted himself lucky that he'd come with a lot of Coins. He wasn't so good at card games.
"So why're you so intent on meetin' the sheriff anyway, greenhorn?" the dealer asked Mario some time later. "I don't reckon he has time to waste on the likes a' you."
It had come to the crucial point of the game; there were only three cards left in the deck, and the players were betting on the order in which they would be drawn. If anyone guessed correctly, the payout would be fantastic.
"I just need his permission to go to Mustard Mines," Mario replied curtly. "You probably wouldn't understand why. I only even need to talk to him for about two minutes."
"Which is likely two minutes more than he's willin' to give," the Bob-omb seated next to him remarked. "A no-name drifter like yerself wantin' to go to Mustard Mines for no good reason? Not a chance."
Mario shook his head as he slid a stack of Coins onto the table, deciding it was best not to argue. "Look, I want to make a good impression with him. If you won't tell me where he is, can you at least tell me what he's like?"
"Well, I can tell ya he single-handedly cleaned up the crime in this here town," the dealer replied in a warning voice. "He's a dangerous man if yer on the wrong side of the law."
"Yeah, I kind of got that impression already. But I swear I'm not planning on doing anything illegal. I just – "
"Yeah, sure you ain't. Now are you gonna call it or what?"
"Huh?" Mario realized they were waiting for him to guess on the order. "Uh… Seven, Nine, Four?"
The dealer nodded, and all the players leaned forward and watched with bated breath as he slowly and dramatically reached for the three remaining cards. Mario's heart was pounding in his ears. He had far more at stake here than anyone else.
With one flick of the wrist, he flipped the cards over. They were the Seven of Clubs, the Nine of Diamonds, and the Four of Hearts.
The dealer blinked. "Well, whaddaya know."
"I - I won?" Mario exclaimed. "Ha! I won! Terrific!!" He laughed in relief as the other players started muttering. "I don't believe it! I never win at cards! All right, now can you guys tell me – "
"Wait a minute!!"
Mario froze. The dealer was bristling in rage as he reached down and picked up the Seven of Clubs. There was a hole punched right in the center Club.
"Uh… what's the matter?"
"You dirty cheater!!" The dealer slammed the card back down on the table. "So that's how you guessed it!"
Mario was freaking out. "What?! It wasn't me!! I don't even get how this game works!"
"I knew there was somethin' shady about you!!" the dealer roared accusingly. To Mario's horror, he suddenly wound up and swung his fist directly at the plumber. Mario yelped and ducked out of the way at the last instant…
And the dealer hit the Bob-omb standing directly behind him.
"WHAT THE – watch where you're swingin' that thing!!" the injured Bob-omb bellowed, lighting his fuse and throwing himself at the dealer. At least he tried, but the dealer quickly sidestepped him and caused his attacker to collide with a random Goomba who'd been walking by. The Bob-omb exploded and sent both of them tumbling head over heels across the floor and crashing into the leg of a nearby table, overturning the whole thing and sending the drinks, cards and Coins flying across the room.
"HEY!! You'll pay for that!!" shouted someone who'd been sitting at the table, charging at them in a rage. The others at the table were so furious at losing their prospective earnings that they started swinging empty bottles around, bashing anyone who got to close –
And the next thing Mario knew, he was caught up in a barroom brawl.
"SOMEBODY GET ME OUT OF HERE!!" he screamed, ducking under a table and covering his head. All around him, people were throwing punches and smashing bottles – and exploding, in the case of the Bob-ombs – and all the furniture was being jostled violently around as people continuously crashed into it. The angry shouts filling the smoky air were so loud Mario couldn't even hear himself think.
The pianist in the corner noticed this happening, and rather than doing something useful, he began pounding out a much faster, more frantic tune that fit better with what was going on.
"You've gotta be kidding me," Mario groaned.
Several of the Saloon goers, including Fleur T., were crowded off in a corner of the room, looking utterly terrified.
"Not this again!!"
"What'll we do?!"
"Somebody get the sheriff, quick!!"
Mario's blood froze when he heard that. "No – don't!!" he shouted pleadingly. The last thing he needed was for the sheriff to catch him in the middle of something like this. He had to get out of here before it was too late.
Finally Goomblaine, Hanner and Stubba, alerted by all the noise, came racing back from the bathroom area and surveyed the scene. Stubba gasped and clung to Hanner in fright.
"What the heck is going on?" Hanner cried.
"Who cares? It's awesome!" Goomblaine laughed, and faster than you could say "Headbonk" he had thrown himself at the nearest Saloon patron.
"GOOMBLAINE, YOU BLOCKHEAD!!!" Hanner screamed, and within seconds she and Stubba were enveloped by the brawl.
"Oh no – guys!!" Mario shouted, leaping to his feet and attempting to run to their aid. It didn't work out, though, as he was instantly swept up in the flurry of punches and throws surrounding him on all sides. He whipped around in fear as he felt himself being shoved back and forth, tossed helplessly around, his frantic shouts drowned out by the sounds of shattering glass and fists connecting with faces, no longer with any idea of where he was or what was happening –
And then came the sound of the Saloon doors slamming open.
Everyone froze.
From where he abruptly found himself sprawled on the ground in an uncomfortable position, facing away from the door, Mario started to panic. Everyone (including the pianist) had immediately stopped what they were doing and had cautiously turned to face the noise. Even his partners seemed to have forgotten they were in a fight and were now staring at the doorway in wide-eyed fright.
This can't possibly be good.
Though he knew who it must be, Mario ever so slowly turned his head and followed their gaze, looking up at the person who was now standing in the doorway.
Whoever he was, he was definitely the sheriff – that much was obvious by his star-shaped badge, the critical gaze he cast over the room, and the way the entire Saloon had fallen quiet at the sight of him. But he was the very last species Mario had expected him to be.
"What in tarnation is goin' on in here?!"
Mario was looking at a Bandit.