OK, I admit it - I have no real idea of how long this story's going to be. As usual.
Thank you so much to everyone who's been commenting! It is very much appreciated.
x
It was the longest afternoon that Bilbo could remember. At first, he was simply angry, and stamped up and down his hobbit hole, feeling entirely hard done-by. But when an hour passed and the dwarves did not come back, a nervous worry began to seep into his stomach, and mix itself with his anger, so that he found himself going every few minutes to the window or the door to see if he could see them returning. When lunchtime came and went, and there was still no sign, Bilbo's anger drained away entirely, leaving him only worried and rather guilty. He found he could not settle to any task, not even cleaning, which was usually the activity he took up to soothe himself when he was upset or angry. Bag End seemed inordinately quiet, as if even his footsteps were being swallowed up by silence, and he took to talking to himself and did not care in the least if it made him look mad.
"But they will certainly come back soon," he said to himself, peering once more out of the front door. "Before afternoon tea, I should think. They will get hungry, after all."
But they did not come back before afternoon tea. Bilbo set out three plates and three cups, and quite a mountain of cake and really far more tea than even a whole party of hobbits might require, and sat nervously on the edge of his chair waiting, for he felt it would be quite rude to begin without his guests. Every minute or so, he would rise and look out of the window. But no dwarves appeared, and at last, after picking at a slice of cake so slender it would have caused Bilbo's mother to grow light-headed, he put all the tea things away again and stood anxiously in the middle of the living room.
"Fili will not stay away overnight," he said. "I'm quite sure of it. Why, surely he cannot be so very angry with me? It was only a foolish mistake, after all."
He made for the door, but paused, coat in hand, before opening it. It was perhaps the sixth time he had performed this very action since the dwarves had left, and every time he was checked by the unpleasant idea that if he went out to look for his friends and they came back while he was gone, Fili might simply pack up all their things and leave all together, without so much as a goodbye. No matter how many times he assured himself that Fili would never do such a thing, no matter how angry he might be, he had nonetheless not yet been able to find the courage to step out of the door in search of his friends. And so, he hung his coat back on the peg once again and resumed his anxious wandering to and fro and his talking to himself.
"It is quite ridiculous to be so concerned," he said. "After all, they have been out for much longer than this before."
And this was true indeed, for from time to time Fili took his brother on some great perambulation around the less populated parts of the countryside, and the two of them inevitably returned covered in mud and with twigs in their hair, Fili in the greatest of spirits and Kili, if not obviously so, then at least very content. Once, they had been gone from dawn until just after sunset, and Bilbo had been only mildly concerned, for between the two of them they certainly had enough common sense not to get into any serious scrapes.
Now, though, Fili was angry and Kili confused, and what did that mean for their common sense? Ah, to be sure, they were only in the Shire, and few places are safer. But all the same, there were rivers and lakes, steep hillsides and perhaps even the occasional wild beast - oh! No, it would not do at all to dwell on such things. No, they were perfectly all right and would come home directly, certainly before dinner.
"And that's all there is to it," Bilbo said, but although he had intended the words to be firm and decisive, in the emptiness of the still hobbit hole they sounded oddly forlorn.
By the time dinnertime was approaching, dusk had fallen, and Bilbo was quite beside himself. He did not even trouble himself to prepare the food or set the table, but only stood in the living room, staring out of the window and debating furiously with himself whether he should go out and enlist the help of his neighbours to try and find his vanished friends. The temperature - already rather low - was dropping fast now that the sun had set, and he was sure there would be a frost that night. And those wretched dwarves had not even taken their coats with them! They certainly could not spend the night outside, no matter how angry Fili was.
It was this last thought - and an image of Fili and Kili shivering, coatless, on the frosty ground - that had Bilbo at last decided, and he hurried into the hallway and reached for his own coat, only to be startled half out of his wits by a heavy knock on the door. It was the first loud noise that Bilbo had heard all afternoon, and it seemed his ears had grown used to the quiet, for he started violently and even let out a little cry of surprise. But he quickly pulled himself together, and turned, heart thundering in his chest, to the door, pulling it open sharply. And there, on the other side, stood Fili and Kili, the first blank-faced, the second invisible beneath his hair.
Bilbo almost sagged against the doorframe, so relieved was he. "Oh," he said. "Oh, my dear friends, it is you. Thank goodness! I was beginning to grow quite concerned." He stepped out of the doorway to let them come in. "But you know you do not have to knock."
"I did not want to presume," Fili said, rather stiffly, and Bilbo understood immediately that their return did not mean that the quarrel was forgotten. His heart sank - for he, in his worry and subsequent relief, had long since given up being angry or thinking about his grievances - but he took another step back and gestured firmly for them to pass him.
"It is no presumption," he said. "No presumption at all. You never have to knock, regardless of -" and here he stopped, for he had no wish to bring up what had happened.
Fili gave him a long stare, his face unreadable, then took Kili by the elbow and led him in through the hall to the living room. Bilbo closed the door - shivering a little, for there was an icy wind blowing outside - and hurried after them. For a moment, all three stood awkwardly in the middle of the living room floor, and then, since Fili showed no sign of taking charge of the situation and Kili was incapable of doing so, Bilbo spoke up.
"You must both be rather cold," he said. "And hungry too, I've no doubt. Fili, why don't you go and get the fire started for dinner in the kitchen? I will be with you in a moment, once I have - spoken to your brother."
Fili made no move to follow Bilbo's instructions. "Spoken?" he said.
Bilbo sighed. "Apologised," he said, and gestured again towards the kitchen. "If you please, master dwarf."
Fili stared at him for a moment, then nodded and turned away, stumping off to the kitchen and closing the door most of the way behind him. Bilbo watched him go, rather dreading the conversation he knew would have to occur between them soon, and then put it from his mind and turned to Kili.
"Why don't you sit down?" he said. "Come, bring your chair closer to the fire." He touched Kili's arms to propel him into the chair and grimaced at how cold the fabric of his tunic felt. "Did you understand me?" he asked, watching as Kili sank into his chair. "Closer to the fire, my lad. Come along, you will catch your death."
Kili sat silent for a moment - and Bilbo felt rather disconcerted, as always, by the strange facelessness of him when he was thus hidden behind his hair - but then he pulled his chair forward a short distance. Bilbo nodded, satisfied for now, and pulled up his own chair, touching Kili's knee to gain his attention.
"I am glad you came back," he said. "And I am terribly sorry for what I said to you. It was cruel and thoughtless, and I certainly did not mean a word of it." He waited a moment, but Kili did not respond, not even to come out from behind his hair. Bilbo sighed. "Did you understand me, my lad?" he said. "I did not mean any of it. Are you listening?" He reached out to brush Kili's hair away from his face himself, and then froze, for it seemed to him that Kili flinched away from him. It was only the slightest of movements, to be sure, but still - but still.
"I am not - I am not angry with you," Bilbo said quickly, remembering that his last words to Kili, in addition to being hurtful, had been delivered in a snappish tone. "Come now, my lad, there is no need to be afraid. You are not afraid of me, are you, Kili? I am not angry, and I would never punish you. Never."
Kili made another small movement, then, but this time, Bilbo was looking more closely, and he saw that it was not a flinch, but rather a movement of the hand, as if the little dwarf wanted to reach up or out but did not quite dare to do so. Bilbo, his own hand still outstretched towards Kili's face, frowned a moment, considering. Then he lowered his arm a little, putting it within easy reach of Kili.
"Did you want-?" he asked, and then found himself not quite sure how to phrase his question. But there was no need, for after a brief hesitation, Kili had reached up and tangled his fingers into Bilbo's sleeve. He twisted it so tightly that it must have been painful for him, and Bilbo drew a breath and reached slowly out with his other hand, brushing Kili's hair away from his face. Kili did not resist, and when his face was at last revealed, it turned out he was staring at Bilbo as if he was afraid he might vanish at any moment. And now Bilbo thought he understood at least part of what was going through the little dwarf's mind.
"Your brother was always going to bring you back, you know," Bilbo said, putting his free hand over Kili's where it clutched at his sleeve. "It was only a little quarrel we had. You know he would not take you away for good, don't you?"
Kili swallowed and nodded, though he still did not speak. Bilbo stroked his hand a little.
"Still, I am very glad you came back when you did," he said. "I should not have liked you to miss dinner as well as lunch."
"I am as well glad," Kili whispered. Bilbo, relieved to hear his voice at last, smiled at him.
"Well, we are all together again now," he said. "But you are still very cold. You must warm yourself at the fire, and I will go and talk to your brother for a little while."
He made as if to stand, but Kili only tightened his grip on his sleeve. Bilbo sat down again and patted his hand.
"I won't be long at all," he said. "I promise! And then I will sit right here beside you all evening, if that's what you want."
This did not have the desired effect on Kili, and Bilbo frowned a little and patted him again.
"I need you to let go of me, my lad," he said. "I must go and talk to your brother."
Kili shook his head. "You fight Fili?"
"Fight him?" Bilbo said, with some incredulity. "No, I certainly will not fight him."
Kili looked away, then. "He is angry you," he said. "You are angry him."
"Well - yes," Bilbo admitted. "Yes, it is true we have had something of a falling-out. But that doesn't mean we will fight each other! Why, if nothing else, I am not nearly so foolish as to start a fight with a grown dwarf, since I should most certainly lose."
"Yes," Kili said, fixing Bilbo with his gaze again and nodding solemnly. "You fight Fili, you lose. Fili hurt you. You should not fight."
Bilbo found himself a little taken aback by this. "Is that what you think?" he asked. "You think your brother will hurt me?"
Kili looked away again. "He is angry," he whispered.
"Yes," Bilbo said. "Yes, he is angry - he is angry with me because of what I said to you. But he would never hurt me. He would never fight me - why, even if I tried to fight him, I'm sure he would only ignore me until I gave up. Come now, Kili." He touched Kili's knee. "You do not truly believe your brother would hurt me, do you?"
Kili looked most unhappy, but after a moment or two, he shook his head. "No, I know he not hurt," he muttered. "But - it is not good, he is angry you. It is not good."
"Well, I don't think it's very good, either," Bilbo said. "That is why I'm going to talk to him. And - well, we may get into an argument, I suppose, though I hope we do not. But I think I am quite practised at arguing with dwarves, and so I am much less likely to suffer serious injury from that." He smiled at Kili, who sat watching him carefully.
"You not fight," he said.
"That's right," Bilbo said. "We may argue, but we will not fight, I promise. So perhaps you will let me go now." And he tugged a little against Kili's grasp on his sleeve. After a brief moment when Kili tightened his grip still further, he looked away sharply and let go. Bilbo patted his shoulder and stood up.
"You concentrate on getting yourself warm," he said. "I will be back very soon."
And, having solved at least his immediate problems with Kili, he turned towards the kitchen and heaved a sigh. Somehow, he thought Fili would be much less easy to mollify.
Fili was seated at the kitchen table peeling potatoes with peculiar violence when Bilbo slipped through the door and closed it behind him. He looked up at the sound of it and gave Bilbo a rather blank stare, as if he had forgotten who he was or why he was there. Then he frowned.
"Have you apologised, then?"
"I have," Bilbo said, feeling rather unsure of himself.
"And did he accept your apology?" Fili asked.
Bilbo sighed, sitting down opposite Fili. "I rather suspect he did not really notice it," he said. "He seemed to have - other things on his mind."
Fili's mouth tightened at this, and he set his half-peeled potato down, glaring at it as if it had mortally offended him.
"He didn't want to come back here," he said.
Bilbo, who had been bracing himself for a verbal assault of quite a different kind, stared at Fili in astonishment. "What?" he said. "But - why not?" Kili had seemed so very relieved to see him, after all.
"He-" Fili said, and then stabbed his short peeling knife suddenly into the potato, leaving it quivering there. "He was worried I would harm you in some way," he growled, seeming to be talking more to the massacred potato than to Bilbo himself.
"Ah," said Bilbo, and restrained himself from mentioning that a person who did not wish to give the impression of having a violent nature might be advised to be a little more circumspect in his treatment of root vegetables. "Well, I'm sure you have set him right, and he does not think that any more." He decided not to mention Kili's words to him in the living room, for fear they would only make matters worse.
Fili, though, did not seem comforted in the least, and stared morosely down at the table, his countenance filled with nothing but gloom. "Have I been so terrible to you, then?" he asked, and then suddenly looked up at Bilbo with a worried frown. "Have I been such an ogre that my own brother fears I will deal violence to you?"
Bilbo opened his mouth to assure Fili that he had certainly done no such thing, but then paused, for as much as he was a kind little hobbit, nonetheless he still felt as though he had been rather ill-treated by Fili. "Well, I will not say that you have been - very pleasant towards me," he said.
Fili's face fell further. "But you have never thought - Bilbo, you cannot think I would ever raise a hand to you?"
"Certainly not!" Bilbo said hastily (although in his heart of hearts he did suspect that Fili could be driven to such an act, if it were to protect his brother, and he blamed him for it not at all). "And in truth, I do not think that Kili believes such a thing, either. It is only that he has seen so much violence in his life, and it is hard sometimes for him to remember that those days are past and gone, and that you and I are not at all like orcs."
Fili's mouth was still twisted in an unhappy frown, but after a moment, he nodded. "Then I should apologise," he said. "If I have been unkind, then I am sorry for it. But what you said-"
"Ah! what I said," Bilbo said. "You cannot be sorrier than I am, my dear friend. And certainly I did not mean a word of it, as I have told Kili. It was nothing more than a moment of foolishness and ill temper - and I hope you, of all people, might have some experience in forgiving foolishness and ill temper."
Fili smiled a little at this, though he still seemed quite downhearted. Bilbo reached across the table and patted his arm.
"I am very glad you came back," he said. "But then, if Kili did not want to come, why did you bring him?"
A shadow crossed Fili's face, then, and when he spoke he did not look at Bilbo, but seemed to be staring at nothing. "I could barely get a word out of him," he said. "It took hours for me to understand that he was afraid I might - might hurt you." He frowned. "It is so hard to see his face with his hair all across it, but I thought - I thought I saw his eyes wandering." He shook his head and looked up at Bilbo. "I had to bring him back," he said. "I should never have taken him away."
Bilbo felt rather cold. He had not seen Kili's eyes wandering since he had woken up after being half-drowned in the river, and although the little scene earlier and its aftermath had been unpleasant, it had not occurred to him that it might cause such great upset to the little dwarf. "Perhaps you only imagined it?" he suggested.
"I hope you are right," Fili said, but he did not look as though he really thought Bilbo might be.
"Well, I suppose he was worried because we argued with each other," Bilbo said slowly. "And he thought maybe you would not bring him back. But you have brought him back."
"Aye," Fili said. "And we have made up our argument."
"Well, then!" Bilbo said. "There is nothing left to upset him, and everything will be quite all right. Come, enough of that dour face. Let's go and show your brother that we have not murdered each other." And he rose from his seat and went to open the kitchen door. It was so rarely closed that the hinges were a little stiff, and Bilbo had to wrestle with it for a moment before it swung open to reveal Kili on the other side, sitting up very straight in his chair and watching the door with what appeared to be no small anxiety. When Fili stepped up to stand behind Bilbo in the doorway, some of this tension seemed to drain away - but by no means all.
"Hello again, my lad," Bilbo said. "Your brother and I are quite reconciled, as you can see. Why, we barely even argued at all!"
Kili glanced from Bilbo to Fili, as if he was not entirely convinced. Fili took Bilbo's arm and led him into the living room, and then - rather to Bilbo's surprise - gave him a swift hug.
"Do you see?" he said to Kili. "I am not angry with him at all. And he is not angry with me. And I did not hurt him, my brother. I would not hurt him."
This last he said in a voice that might almost be described as plaintive, had it not issued from the mouth of a well-armed dwarf of such impressive pedigree. Bilbo patted Fili's arm and pushed him towards his chair, then said down himself and smiled at Kili.
"Do you understand?" he said.
Kili watched him for a moment, still looking tense indeed. "Yes," he said. "Fili is still not angry."
"He is not angry any more," Bilbo said. "And I am not angry any more, either. It is all forgotten."
"Not any more," Kili repeated. But it seemed to Bilbo that, whatever he might claim, Kili would not forget their anger for a long time.
That evening passed very quietly (though not, it must be said, as quietly as the afternoon had). There was dinner, and then supper, of course, and through it all Kili kept his head down and spoke barely a word, and seemed still to be in a state of great nervousness, though Bilbo supposed that was only to be expected after the events of the day. Although every time he glanced over, Kili was looking at the floor, still, Bilbo could not rid himself of the feeling of being watched, and although he was long accustomed to being the object of his friend's unusually intense attention, nonetheless he began to grow rather nervous himself, knowing that Kili was looking at him and yet not being able to see him do it. Eventually, he sat down beside Kili and prodded his arm - though he did this more out of habit than to get his attention, for after all, he had had that all evening.
"Is something the matter?" he asked. "You are very-" He paused, not sure quite how to describe Kili's behaviour. He was anxious, certainly, and tense, but that was not what had prompted Bilbo to ask the question. Disconcerting was perhaps the closest word, and yet Bilbo did not wish to use it, at least to his face.
"Nothing is matter," Kili said to the floor. Bilbo sighed.
"I know this has been a rather difficult day," he said, "but it is over now. You must try to put it out of your mind."
Kili did not reply to this, but there was no lessening of the tension in his shoulders. Bilbo exchanged a troubled glance with Fili, and then, remembering what had happened earlier in the evening, he laid his forearm on the arm of Kili's chair.
"Well, I'll just sit here and read, then," he said, and took up his book with his other hand. He stared at it firmly, and did not look at Kili, even when, a minute or two later, he felt a tug on his arm as fingers curled into his sleeve. He was quite content to sit and read, after all, and had nowhere in particular to go, and so it did not matter to him if Kili wished to keep him close by until they all went to bed.
And as it turned out, he did.
Bilbo felt quite exhausted by the time he finally fell into bed, and fell asleep almost before he was quite lying down. He dreamed of nothing at all, and if he had slept until morning, he would no doubt have arisen feeling refreshed and ready to face the challenges of the day. But it was not to be, for in the middle of the night a great crash invaded his dreamless slumber, and had him sitting bolt upright in bed, looking around in great confusion to see what the cause of the noise could be. The room was black as pitch, though, and it took him a moment or two of fumbling to light his lamp, during which time he heard thumps and scuffling that made him nervous indeed.
When he finally succeeded, he discovered that the little table that sat beside the dwarves' bed had been knocked to the floor, spilling books and pictures everywhere, and breaking the lamp that had stood there, so that a pool of oil was now spreading across the floor. The cause of the upset, too, was readily apparent: Kili was scrambling backwards, spider-like, his eyes wide with terror and his face bathed in sweat, and Fili, looking bleary and confused, was kneeling beside the bed, reaching out towards him.
"Kili," Fili said, sounding still half-asleep. "What's the matter? Come back to bed."
Kili, though, looked straight through his brother, staring at something invisible in the corner. His mouth gaped soundlessly in desperate fear, and Bilbo felt his heart twist within him.
"Kili, lad," he called softly, climbing out of bed and taking a slow step forward. "Wake up. Wake up, my lad, it's only a dream."
Kili's eyes fixed on him, and for a moment Bilbo thought he had indeed woken up, but then his face twisted further and he made a sound that brought tears to Bilbo's eyes, for it could signify naught but the deepest despair.
"Kili," Fili said again, edging closer to his brother, where he pressed himself, shaking and twitching, into the corner. "Kili, time to wake up. Time to wake up, now, brother."
Bilbo shuffled a little closer, too, before lowering himself to his knees and reaching out. But Kili flinched away from him and huddled into himself, fingers scrabbling at the floor and eyes rolling wildly.
"It's me," Bilbo said. "It's only me, your hobbit friend. You're dreaming. You're only dreaming, my dear lad."
In the meantime, Fili had almost reached Kili, and now stretched out and laid a hand on his arm. Kili started, but did not pull away. Nor did he look at Fili, but kept his eyes fixed on Bilbo. Still, Bilbo could not help but see it as a sign that Kili was beginning to wake, and he moved forward again, only to see Kili try to dart away from the corner in the opposite direction. Of course, he ran straight into his brother, who wrapped his arms around him and pulled him to his chest.
"It's Bilbo," he murmured into Kili's hair. "It's just your hobbit, my brother. There is nothing to be afraid of."
Kili did not struggle in Fili's grasp - indeed, he raised his hands to Fili's chest and clutched at his shirt-front - but nor did he seem to calm, either. Indeed, he had begun to breathe in an uneven, shallow fashion that had Bilbo worried indeed.
"Come now," he said, still on his knees, but no longer daring to move forward. "You must try to calm down. You will do yourself an injury."
This had no effect at all on Kili, who shivered and gasped in Fili's arms, and seemed incapable of speech, and perhaps also of understanding. Whether he was awake or asleep, Bilbo could not tell. But one thing was clear indeed: he was frightened out of his wits.
"Kili," Fili said then, his voice a note deeper than it had been before. "Bilbo is right. You must stop this." And he seized Kili's face between his two hands and forced him to turn his head to face him. "Stop," he said. "You must stop. You must breathe."
For a moment, it seemed as if Kili had stopped breathing all together, for he stopped gasping and only gaped at Fili, his mouth hanging open. Then Fili shook him a little.
"Breathe, my brother," he said.
And Kili did. It was a sobbing, wheezing sort of breath, to be sure, but breath it was, and deep enough to be called so, though still a little uneven. Bilbo found himself breathing in time with Kili, almost as if trying to encourage him, and Fili pressed his forehead against his brother's and closed his eyes.
"That's right," he murmured. "That's right. You're awake now. You're awake."
Bilbo, hoping that the worst was over, shuffled forward again, and was relieved to find that Kili did not flinch from him, though he did not look at him, either, for his attention was entirely fixed on Fili now. Or so Bilbo thought, until he came within arm's reach and Kili's hand shot out and clamped around his wrist.
"Hobbit," he whispered, looking sideways at Bilbo. "I tell you thing."
"Of course you can," Bilbo said, though he was a little discombobulated at the abruptness of Kili's request. "What do you want to tell me?"
Fili let Kili's face go, and Kili turned to look at Bilbo. But, although he opened his mouth, no sound proceeded from it, and after a moment he began to look panicked once again.
"Well, why don't I make us all a nice cup of tea," Bilbo said hastily, patting his arm. "Then, when we've all had a chance to calm down, you can tell me what it is. How does that sound?"
Kili only stared, his mouth still hanging open. Bilbo found himself quite unsure what to do, but Fili seemed to suffer no such difficulty
"It's time to let Bilbo go now," he said, gently unpinning Kili's fingers from Bilbo's wrist. Kili made no resistance, and when his grip was loosened entirely, Fili gathered him back into his arms and held him tightly. Kili did not return the embrace, and seemed stiff and tense, but he breathed more easily again, and the terror that had begun to seep back into his face slipped away.
Bilbo rose to his feet. "Well, then," he said. "Tea."
And without another word, he fled.
It was some time before they all found themselves settled in the living room. Bilbo made far more tea than was strictly necessary, and then found himself drinking quite a quantity of it before Fili and Kili finally made their appearance. Fili looked dishevelled, his face set with grim concern. Kili, though his shaking had subsided, seemed smaller than he truly was, and walked with halting steps, as if the only thing propelling him forwards was his brother's hand on his elbow. Bilbo, observing this, felt his heart sink. It seemed they were unlikely to sleep again that night.
"Here, then," he said, patting Kili's chair and setting a cup of his blackberry tea on a little table beside it. He waited until Kili had settled himself, and Fili beside him, as always, and then drew up his own chair to sit facing him.
"Well," he said, feeling rather nervous. "What was it that you wanted to tell me?"
Kili stared at the floor, and Bilbo thought that he would not speak at all. He was considering whether it would be better to try and coax the words out of him, or to have them all go back to bed and begin again in the morning, when Kili's gaze landed on his feet, then crawled up his legs and finally reached his chest. There it stopped, but it was a great improvement, and a moment later, Kili's announcement made its appearance.
"I know you not want I am snaga," he said, hesitantly and very carefully, as if he was thinking hard about each word before he said it.
"Oh," Bilbo said. "Is that what you wanted to tell me? Well, that is good, very good! I am very glad." And he felt a great wave of relief, for he had been sure that it would be something much more unpleasant.
"I know," Kili said again. "I always knowed. Knew. I always knew." He glanced up at Bilbo's face, and there was such great apprehension in his eyes that Bilbo felt his relief curdle in his stomach, for it was clear that there was something here he did not understand at all.
"Yes," he said, exchanging a mystified glance with Fili. "Well, that is very good. After all, I have told you often enough, so of course you know."
But this reply, though it was nothing but gentle reassurance, had a most undesirable effect on Kili. His eyes widened and he opened his mouth as if to speak, but only gave a gasping breath, much as he had after his nightmare. Bilbo, immediately alarmed, leaned forward and grasped his hand in both of his own, while Fili put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed.
"Now, don't do that," Bilbo said. "There is nothing to be frightened of. Breathe deeper, lad, come on." He pressed Kili's hand and breathed deeply himself, and Fili murmured something in Kili's ear that Bilbo could not hear, and a moment or two later, Kili seemed mostly recovered, though he again dropped his eyes to the floor. But if he needed to look in that direction in order to explain whatever it was that he wanted to explain, well, Bilbo did not mind that at all.
"But perhaps this should wait," he said. "We are all tired and upset. Perhaps it should wait until morning."
Kili shook his head rapidly, though he did not look up. "I tell," he said. "I tell, I tell." He seemed half-hysterical, but it was clear that whatever it was was weighing heavily on his mind, so that Bilbo, after a brief, wordless exchange with Fili, nodded his head.
"Well, then, breathe deeply and start from the beginning," he said. "And remember that you are safe here, and that there is nothing at all to be afraid of."
Kili drew in a deep breath, then another, and seemed to calm a little. Still, there was a long, tense silence before he spoke again, and Bilbo found himself having to bite his tongue to prevent himself from breaking it out of sheer nervousness.
But at last, Kili spoke. "Orcs," he said. "With orcs, snaga-" He frowned at the floor. "Snaga is not - snaga is-" He shook his head. "Orc not tell snaga," he decided. "Not tell snaga true. Not tell snaga not true. Orcs not tell snaga."
He paused, and Bilbo wondered if he should say something, although in truth he did not understand enough of what Kili had said to make an intelligent comment. But just as he was opening his mouth, Kili started again.
"Snaga is like - is like warg," he said. "Or horse. Not say horse where we are go. Not say horse why go there. Why tell horse? Horse cannot understand. Horse not have - have -" He pressed the fingertips of his free hand against his temple and frowned fiercely at the floor. "Not have mind," he said. "Not like person mind. Orcs not tell horse we go here because - because big master want - want we give message to - other orcs. Not tell horse anything. Not tell snaga anything. Snaga is like horse. Not have, have mind."
Bilbo could not help but open his mouth to protest this, but Kili glanced quickly up at him and shook his head.
"I know it is not right," he said. "Snaga have mind. But orcs not tell. Not tell true, not tell not true. For orcs, snaga is like horse. You understand."
"Yes," Bilbo said, rather croakily. "I understand."
"Yes," Kili replied, staring at Bilbo's knees. "And - and you. Fili stole me. And you. You always say. You say me, we go here. We go mountain. We go lake. Go town, men in it. We need get clothes, get weapons. I go away. Men come. You say these things me. Always say." He nodded. "It is - not like snaga. It feel like -" He touched his chest with his free hand. "It feel like - like when iron is gone. You say, not snaga, not snaga. I hear. But this. You say me what happen, why happen. I feel it. Feel not snaga. You understand?"
"I think so," Bilbo said. "My treating you like a person made you feel like more of a person." He thought back to those times on their long journey, of the things he had said and done. If he had known half as much about Kili then as he knew now, why, he might have done things differently indeed. But it seemed that this thing, at least, had made a real difference to his friend, and the thought gave him a warm sort of feeling in his chest.
"Yes, it is this," Kili said. "Person, yes. You think I should know what happen. It is like be person." He stopped, then, seeming to gather his thoughts, and his hand twitched a little in Bilbo's. "When you say - when you say long time guess," he said, his voice getting a little quieter, "you say this, it is - I know it is not true. I hear this, I know. It is not what happen. You not think any more I should know what happen. It feel - I feel - it is not -"
"I made you feel like a snaga," Bilbo said, suddenly understanding why Kili had told his halting story in the first place. "When I did not explain to you why we were playing the game, I made you feel like a snaga." He felt rather sick to think it, that in one casual breath he could have undermined so much hard work and careful piecing together of Kili's sense of himself. "Oh, my dear lad, I am so sorry to have done such a thing."
But Kili was shaking his head. "No, it is not this," he said, and his hand began to twitch again. "It is - I am -" He opened and closed his mouth soundlessly for a moment, and then, to Bilbo's surprise, pulled his hand free and slipped from the chair onto the floor, where he knelt and reached up for his cup of tea, placing it on the floor to his left and then frowning at the space to the right.
"Here, my brother," Fili said, holding his own cup out.
"Thank you Fili," Kili muttered, and took the cup, setting it to his right. Then he pointed.
"This is be snaga," he said, pointing at the cup on his left. "This is be person." This was the cup on his right. "It is not be one, be other. It is go. Go." He pressed the tip of his index finger to the floor about halfway between the two cups. "I go," he said, and moved his finger slightly to the right. "Always go, go. This way. I go this way. Slow, very slow." He glanced up at Bilbo with a pleading expression. "I am sorry so always slow," he said. "But go this way. This way." He shook his head then, bending over his little demonstration. "You say long time guess. I not feel like snaga. I know I am not snaga. But go this way." And he moved his finger to the left. "I know I am not snaga," he repeated. "I know you not want I am snaga. But it feel - it feel bad. It is like pain, but not in flesh. Feel bad."
Bilbo opened his mouth to apologise once again for his careless words, but then Kili glanced up at him and the words died in his throat, for there was such unexpected fear on Kili's face that it took his breath away.
"I know you not want," he said, bowing his head again, and now he spoke very quickly, and his voice became quieter still, so that Bilbo had to lean forward to hear it. "You always say, not want snaga, I know, I know. But I know you feel bad. If you think I am snaga, you feel bad. If I say I not know, you feel bad. It is why I ask. I ask, you want I am snaga. I ask this because I know. Because I know you feel bad."
These last words were almost inaudible, and as Kili spoke them he bowed lower and lower, until he was almost bent double. Bilbo stared at him, quite unable to believe that he had truly understood what Kili had said.
"You mean - you asked me if I wanted you to be a snaga on purpose because you knew it would hurt my feelings?" he asked, sure that he must be mistaken, so far was this from his understanding of Kili.
"Not want hurt, not want hurt," Kili whispered, and he pressed his palms flat on the floor and bent even further over, almost pressing his forehead to the floorboards. "Not want Fili angry, hobbit angry. Sorry, so stupid, so stupid."
Bilbo gaped at him, but Fili, who Bilbo had rather forgotten in all of this, suddenly slid out of the chair and dropped to his knees beside Kili, laying a palm on the nape of his neck. The touch made Kili flinch violently, and Bilbo saw that he was shaking again.
"Do not cower, my brother," Fili said in the gentlest of tones. "Do not be afraid. Bilbo is not angry with you."
He glanced up at Bilbo as if to confirm this, and Bilbo realised that what he had said was true - that Kili was not just curled over, but was abasing himself before Bilbo, as if before some great and terrible king. And this thought was enough to drown out the confusion and hurt of what Kili had done in an instant, so that Bilbo immediately slipped from his own chair and knelt before Kili, bending over himself to try and look into his face.
"Quite right," he said, reaching out to brush the mess of hair aside. "I am not angry, and you are not stupid. And you mustn't lie on the floor like that, it looks most uncomfortable. Not to mention you are no doubt getting dust in your hair."
Fili barked a rather astonished-sounding laugh at this, but Bilbo paid no attention to him, and reached for Kili's shoulders, pushing and lifting until Kili rather reluctantly sat up. As soon as he did so, Fili had his arms around him - rather awkwardly, since he was sitting beside him, and since Kili did not reciprocate, but only stared at Bilbo's knees.
"Our hobbit is right, my brother," Fili said. "It is a terrible thing, dust in one's hair."
Bilbo found himself a little surprised at this frivolity, after the painful scene they had just witnessed, and was surprised still more when he saw that Fili was smiling. It was not a tight smile, as of one who is wearing a brave face, but a sincere smile, almost smug, and it broadened further still as he turned to face Bilbo, keeping one arm about Kili's shoulders.
"Well, Bilbo Baggins," he said, "it seems my brother will learn how not to be a snaga, after all. Already he learns how to avenge himself like a true dwarf."
It was clear that these words were spoken in jest - and yet, there was a kernel of truth to them, Bilbo realised, that was surely quite intentional on Fili's part. Indeed, Kili had behaved in an intentionally cruel manner for the first time that Bilbo could remember. And although it was certainly not admirable, was not cruelty of this kind something that required a will of one's own, and an understanding of how others feel, and a sense of security that any reprisal would be bearable? All of these things were denied to snagas, from what Bilbo understood, and yet here Kili was, exhibiting them with no prompting at all.
"Well, I'll be," Bilbo muttered, and Fili grinned.
"Here, Kili," he said, leaning forwards and placing his own finger between the two teacups. "This way. You are still going this way." And he moved his finger to the right. "You are not slow at all."
But Kili, of course, seemed to understand almost nothing of this, and only kept his head low and his hands clamped over his knees. "I am sorry do this," he whispered. "I not wanted Bilbo angry, Fili angry. I not knew it will do this."
"I know you did not," Bilbo said, reaching out to lift Kili's chin. Kili, though, kept his eyes down, and Bilbo patted his arm with his other hand. "Will you look at me, my lad?" he asked.
With some reluctance, Kili lifted his eyes. He was clearly still greatly afraid, and Bilbo could not help but hug him, and was gratified when he did not flinch away. "It was not a good thing to do," Bilbo said, "but I am not angry. There will be no punishment. You need not be frightened."
Kili frowned at this, glancing at Fili. "You not - I not go away Bag End?" he asked.
"Certainly not!" Bilbo said. "Why would you think I would send you away?"
Kili began to look most confused. "I said - not true," he said. "I said it because to make feel bad. When - when you said not true because to make feel bad, we go away Bag End. Before when you said, you said I not learn be not snaga." He looked at Fili as if for confirmation. "We go away."
"That was different, my brother," Fili said, his smile gone now. "I took you away because I wanted to keep you safe. But I am sorry that I did it, and I will not do it again."
"And I would never send you away," Bilbo added firmly. "You are my guest, and my home is yours. And besides, what you did was only a very little thing, really."
Kili stared at Bilbo, then at Fili, and finally at Bilbo again, looking rather as though he did not quite dare to believe what he had heard. "You not send me go away?" he asked.
"Is that what has been worrying you so much all this time?" Bilbo said, suddenly enlightened. "Oh, my poor dear lad." And now he hugged Kili again, longer and with more emotion this time. "I will never send you away," he said, though his voice was rather muffled by Kili's hair (which was, indeed, full of dust, so that Bilbo decided he must sweep the floor at the very next opportunity).
And where before Kili had been stiff and unresponsive, now he grew suddenly almost limp in Bilbo's arms, and wrapped his own arms around Bilbo, and rested his chin on Bilbo's shoulder.
"Thank you hobbit," he whispered. "I am glad not go away."
"And I am very glad to have you back," Bilbo replied.
And so he was.