This Chapter is dedicated to Mel and Claudia who guessed the hidden song in the previous chapter.
It was De La Soul with Ring Ring Ring.
Here is the link for the song from this chapter:
/watch?v=O1-4u9W-bns&feature=branded
Thanks to my Beta.
Enjoy and don't forget to review :-)
I Won't Give Up
Emma lay in her bed in her room. After all the plans she and Jenny had fell through, she had rented a room in Berlin in a shared apartment with two other students. She lay flipping her phone around between her fingers. She had just finished talking to Jenny. She missed her so much, but was also starting to worry about her. She didn't sound happy at all anymore. She could often hear in her voice that she had been crying and lately she had also begun to break down and cry during their talks. It tore at her heart that she wasn't with Jenny, that she couldn't take her in her arms and comfort her.
She unlocked the screen on her new phone and started looking at the photos of Jenny and all her friends from the Pestalozzi. She really missed them and the time they had spent together at STAG. The last year had been so amazing. She had made new friends, and the time at STAG had shown her what she wanted to do with her future thanks to Ms. Vogel. Emma believed Ms. Vogel was the best teacher she ever had. But best of all she had met Jenny, the girl of her dreams. The girl she wanted to grow old and grey with. She let out a small laugh at the thought of her and Jenny old and grey walking down the streets of Berlin with their walking sticks and chatting away about how the youth of today were impossible.
Flipping through the pictures, she saw the one of her and Jenny that had been taken the day they had both gotten their acceptance letters to the University in Berlin. It had been one of their happiest days. Jenny was looking at her and kissing her chin while smiling. Making her adorable dimple show. She loved that infectious smile and her dimple. She frowned when she realized it had been quite a while since she had last seen it. She really did worry about Jenny. If she could just come up with something that could reassure Jenny that everything would be alright and really show her that she loved her. Flipping through the pictures she sighed, thinking how things had changed from being the happiest time of her life to the most difficult.
-flashback begins-
Fuming she walked quickly away from Jenny. She was shaking with anger, and tears ran down her cheek as she started to run and she didn't stop until she slammed the door shut to her room at home. Falling down on her bed she kept sobbing, her thoughts swirling around like a carousel without end. She couldn't figure out what had happened between them. But lately, everything between them was a mess and no matter what she did Jenny seemed to snap at her. And today everything had just exploded when she had had enough of Jenny's behavior and it had ended in a huge argument. Shaking, she curled up like a ball, hugging her spare pillow that smelled of Jenny as the tears started to run freely, holding her phone, hoping Jenny would call her. She sighed, closing her eyes tightly trying to stop the tears. She only had one explanation for Jenny's behavior and that was that Jenny must have gotten tired of her and her insecurities and finally had enough, wanting to end it all. Or Jenny had met someone else. The thought of Jenny with someone else made her heart ache and her stomach turn.
Suddenly she felt sick and she leapt up off the bed and ran towards the bathroom with her phone still in her hand. Kneeling down by the toilet, still panting and sweating from being sick, she heard a familiar song and felt her phone vibrating in her hand. Wiping her mouth with her free hand, she hurriedly answered the phone, "Hi Jenny."
The minute Jenny had asked her to come over to talk, her heart had stopped. She could just hear in Jenny's voice that it wasn't good news and that she was about to get her heart broken.
Riding on her bike over to Jenny's place she had listened to music to try and calm her nerves, but it didn't help. She had stood outside the Bergman's home trying to summon up the courage to ring the doorbell and get her heart broken into a million pieces. With a trembling finger she had pushed the doorbell, taking a deep breath so she wouldn't start to cry again.
Jenny had opened the door almost immediately. Emma could see that Jenny had also been crying. Without a word, Jenny had taken her hand and led them up the stairs into her room, closing the door behind them.
The silence between them was unbearable. Jenny had sat looking everywhere but at Emma. It wasn't until Emma had taken Jenny's hand in hers that Jenny looked at her and she saw that Jenny was crying. She was about to open her mouth and say something to Jenny, when Jenny cut her of by saying those words that she most dreaded to hear: "Emma we have to end this – us. It's over"
The minute Jenny had said those words the tears that had threatened to spill out started to stream down her face. "Why ?" was all that she managed to choke out between sobs.
The look on Jenny's face told her that this was hurting her just as much. Jenny had tried to talk but all that came out was a guttural sound of pain before she shuddered and fell onto Emma's chest.
Crying, they had held each other for a while, seeking some comfort in each other. She felt Jenny relax a bit and heard her whimper, "Sorry Emma, I'm so sorry."
"But why Jenny? I don't understand, what's happened. Don't you love me anymore?" Emma managed to get out between her sobs.
They had held each other while Jenny told her everything. Finally, after sitting in silence again, Emma had felt some sort of courage, anger and determination come over her. She wouldn't just let this break them up. Their love for each other was too strong. So she had told Jenny clearly and forcefully what she thought and that she wasn't going to let Jenny end it.
They had talked and Emma wouldn't back down on her decision. She knew their love for each other was strong enough to survive being apart while they figured everything out. It was going to be hard, but she knew deep down in her heart that they could do it. Because the alternative was too scary and heart breaking for her. She would rather be with Jenny an ocean away than not be with her at all.
Finally Jenny had agreed and they had decided to make the best out of their last month together in Cologne before they had fallen asleep, holding each other tight.
- Flashback ends –
Stroking the picture of Jenny on her phone with her right index finger, she laid down wondering about what she could do to cheer Jenny up and show her that she was still her dream girl and the love of her life.
It was so hard for her to see how much Jenny struggled. She wondered if she was eating, because lately when they had Skyped she could see that Jenny had lost weight. She also often noticed the black rims under her eyes and the redness in her eyes that told her Jenny had been crying. It was hard to see Jenny's pain because she missed her so much. Right after Jenny had left for London, her whole body had just shut down. She had stayed in bed for 3 days not wanting to eat, sleep or talk to anybody. All she could do was listen to songs that reminded her of Jenny and cry. It was Luzi who finally had come around to her place and dragged her out with the others to hang out at Chulos.
After that day, Emma had decided to put all her energy into her move to Berlin and uni. When uni had started she had practically drowned herself in studying and doing extra singing, acting and dancing classes and even signed up for the school musical, which also took up a lot of her time. It still hurt her to be so far away from Jenny. Not being able to hold her, kiss her and be with her every day. But she had found out the more she focused on uni, the less she had time to think of the hurt and the emptiness Jenny had left in her heart when she had moved to London
Her mind wandered to the latest assignment she had in singing class. They had to do a love song duet and were paired up by the teacher. She had been paired with Karin, a girl from Hamburg. They had to sing 'Just a kiss by Lady Antebellum'. It had troubled her a bit when her teacher had paired her with a girl, because not only did they have to sing a love song, they also had to act the song on stage while singing. She had, however, come to the conclusion that she had to be professional and she could do it, even though in the beginning it felt like she was cheating on Jenny. When she had told Jenny about the assignment she couldn't help but notice a small frown on Jenny's face. She had quickly changed the subject and asked Jenny about her day. She didn't want to upset her anymore. She just wished there was something she could do to make Jenny feel more secure in their relationship, and that there was some way she could make Jenny see that she was there for her.
Dropping her phone down onto the bed, she looked to the other side of her room where her white piano keyboard was standing next to her laptop. It was a gift she had gotten from her parents the day she had gotten the scholarship. They had been so happy for her and she still couldn't believe they had gotten her such an expensive gift. Smiling she stood up and walked over to it, turned it on along with her laptop and opened her music program she had just gotten. She had just figured out what she wanted to do for Jenny.
Setting up the program on her laptop and the keyboard to the right rhythm and beat she pressed record and sat down and started to sing.
"When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?"
"I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up"
"And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find"
"Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up"
She smiled at the meaning of the words she was singing, knowing they communicated perfectly what she wanted to say. That she wouldn't give up on Jenny and their relationship and that she would be there for her always.
"I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts
We got yeah we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn, how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I got, and what I'm not
And who I am"
Putting her whole heart into the song, she continued playing and singing while her laptop recorded the song.
"I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
I'm still looking up"
She was determined to show how much she loved Jenny, how much she meant to her and that she wouldn't give up on them – ever.
"I won't give up (No I'm not) on us (Giving up)
God knows I'm tough (I am tough), he knows (I am loved)
We got a lot (We're alive) to learn (We are loved)
God knows we're worth it (And we're worth it)"
"I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up"
Ending the song, she added "I love you and miss you, babe, but you are in my heart every day and we can make it."
Smiling she stopped recording and listened through the song. Satisfied with the outcome she opened her email and sent it to her love right away.
Walking over to her bed picking up her phone, she quickly texted Jenny, "Hi babe, you've got mail. Love you. xoxo Em."
Standing looking at the screen photo of Jenny, admiring her beautiful blue eyes, she was startled when there was a knock on her door.