Here is the next chapter for my little Jemma story. Just a heads up, the story is nearing its end!
I'm sorry I haven't been able to update sooner. I'm extremely busy with Uni and suffered from a little WB. However, everytime I have a little free time I try to write on the story.
Jamster: Thank you for your review - hope you'll like this chapter too :)
Lied 89: That is actually one of the BEST reviews I've ever gotten. It made me very happy to read and motivated me to keep on writing. Hope you'll be just as happy with this chapter :)
Kathy: Thank you so much. It's making me happy to hear that :) The wait is over - hope you enjoy this chapter
Guest: You guessed right, it is Spiderwebs by No Doubt. 2 hours I can't write that fast, so you just have to be patience
Kite: Hope you'll like this one too - and it was worth the wait :)
The song It's so hard is by Anouk
Oh and there is actually another hidden song in this chapter - who can guess it?
Enjoy!
It's so hard
Her feet stomped the gravel at each step she took along the wet path in the park. The path was splashing back mud up on both legs, soaking her pants. The rest of her clothes were slowly getting soaked because of the rain pouring down.
Ignoring everything else but the music playing in her IPod and reaching the next corner of the rain soaked path.
"I'm just thinkin' about the child in me,
That I'm sometimes feeling inside
And I'm figuring out just what it is
That makes me feel so small"
Pushing herself harder at each step. Increasing the pace. Ignoring the pain and ache in every muscle of her body. The only pain she could feel was the pain in her heart … or where her heart used to be. Ever since last night, all she felt was a black hole where it once beat. It was the most painful feeling she had ever experienced. Her heart had been ripped out of her chest by one single phone call.
"Is it you, that hurts me when I give myself
Every day and every night
Am I too blind to see that it doesn't work out
Did I really ask too much of you baby
Do you mean to tell me that's the way it is
Do you mean to say"
Her breathing was heavy, heaving to catch enough air, and the side stitch was burning, but she refused to stop. This pain was better than the pain she had been feeling all night and all morning. Reaching the main entrance of the park, she decided to go another round. She wasn't ready to go home yet. She just wanted to keep running and not feel anything. She didn't care about anything anymore. She only wanted to run around the path in the deserted park alone.
"It's all so hard, It's so hard
It's all so hard, It's so hard"
By now she was soaked through and through and her rain drenched hair clung to her face. The water running through her hair and down her face masked the tears streaming from her eyes. Tears she didn't know she was shedding.
"As I search for an answer, I see the clear blue sky
And I know that you're the one to blame
And I feel so naïve
When you say that our love to you was just a game
I dream, my dream, I'm sane, I'm insane
Oh, please don't, please don't speak to me that way"
Normally she wouldn't have wanted others to see her in this state, but now she didn't care that she was crying, her clothes wet and sticking to her body from sweat, rain and mud and fighting to catch her breath with every new step she took. Now she only cared about reaching the next corner and then the next. She only cared about running, trying to run away from the pain within her heart.
"Do you mean to tell me that's the way it is
Do you mean to say"
Listening to Anouk, she increased her pace a bit more, not caring about running around the water puddles anymore to avoid getting wet feet. Now she just ran straight through them not caring.
"It's all so hard, It's so hard
It's all so hard, It's so hard"
Reaching the main entrance to the park once again she chose to run out of the park toward her home instead of going another round. Both her body and mind were exhausted, so she thought a hot bath would help on her aching muscles and then she just wanted to go to bed and try to forget everything that Emma had told her about kissing another girl. The image of Emma being in another girl's arms and kissing her was hurting more than she ever would have imagined. The pain in her heart was excruciating. All she wanted to do was just forget and not feel anymore, to close her eyes and shut everything out. It was all so hard and it was tearing her apart.
"Damned it's so hard, why you're so hard
Why you're so hard, It's tearing me apart"
Her day had been okay, meeting Sarah again, singing and talking with her and afterward texting with her and agreeing to meet up for coffee soon. But then after dinner she saw she had missed a call from Emma and that Emma had texted her to call her as soon as possible. Because of the way Emma had written her text, she immediately felt that something was wrong. It wasn't the usual Emma way of texting, but she hadn't been prepared for what Emma had told her. That Emma had kissed this girl from her class and that she had to do it again in front of her whole class. Not that she had kissed her for the project, but that she had kissed her, not acting. She knew that Emma was sorry. She had apologized a million times while they had cried and talked. In the end it all just became too much for Jenny and she had ended the phone call without saying goodbye. She couldn't handle the thought of Emma responding to this girl. Shutting her phone off to avoid Emma's repeated calls, she had curled up on her bed and cried all night.
Entering the door, she quickly kicked off her wet, muddy running shoes before heading straight for the stairs and up to her room to get out of her clothes and take a warm bath to get warmed up.
"Jenny, a word now," she heard her dad's stern voice bellowing from the bottom of the stairs
Turning around halfway up the stairs she looked down at her father, it was obvious that he was angry. Sighing inwardly she thought "what have I done now?" since he was in such a foul mood. "Father can't it wait until I've changed out of my wet clothes and taken a bath?"
"No Jenny, it cannot wait. I have just gotten a call from your boss, Mr. Hamilton, telling me that you have called in sick to work for the rest of the week and maybe more. He called concerned and asked if it was anything serious. I had to lie and pretend that I knew about it. And then when I come home to see how you are, I find that you are out running around in this weather and are not sick at all. Do you mind telling me what this is all about? " Her dad said, disappointment and anger showing in his face. He was tired of making excuses for his daughter.
Sighing, Jenny looked at her father and rolled her eyes. She didn't really want to talk now, especially not with her dad who always seemed to be disappointed in her no mater what she did or didn't do. "I don't want to have this conversation now. I'm cold and I'm wet and all I want to do is go up and take a long hot bath."
Turning to walk up the rest of the steps to her room, she heard her father's angry voice bellow from the hall, "Jenny you will come down here at once and tell me why you are not at work!"
"Father, why is it so important that it seriously can't wait until I've showered and changed?" Turning around again looking down at her father, she could feel the anger starting to boil inside her.
"Because Jenny, I want an explanation NOW. I want to know why you are determined to throw away and ruin your life. Why is it that you are so ungrateful and can't appreciate all the things that your mother and I have done for you, to ensure that you will have a good future, a life with a good career?" Her dad yelled. He was losing his patience with his daughter.
Jenny was sick and tired of her father always controlling her life. If it weren't for him, she would still be in Germany, enjoying life with Emma. But he had ruined everything for her. He always needed to control everything. Losing it, she stormed down the stairs screaming at her father. "I'm tired of being what you want me to be father! I'm feeling so faithless and lost under the surface! I don't know what it is that you're expecting of me! But you've put me under the pressure of walking in your shoes and every bloody step that I take is just another mistake to you anyway, so why bother?"
"Jenny you will behave and not speak that way to me, ever again. Now get in my office and explain your latest behavior." Her dad said, angrily pointed towards his office.
Jenny now stood directly in front of her father, looking him straight in the eye. She could feel herself shaking with anger, yet she didn't care anymore that all she was ever going to be in her father's eyes was a huge mistake and a disappointment. She was pissed off and she wanted him to know. She couldn't hold it inside anymore. "No I will not father. I do not owe you any explanation," she vehemently spat the words out.
The surprised look on her father's face at her disobedience gave her the courage to finally unleash. "I've become so numb and I can't feel you there for me anymore. I'm so tired, but I'm so much more aware of your endless disappointment in me. I'm becoming this person I don't like to try and please you and all I want to do is be more like me and be less like you!"
Enraged, she continued to yell at her father while stepping closer, " Father can't you see that you're smothering me? You're holding too tightly, because you're afraid to lose your precious control? And now everything you thought I would be has fallen apart right in front of you, and you can't do anything about it!"
The more she threw at her father, the more she felt the anger starting to release her. Tears started to stream down her face as she realized that she had lost herself and that no matter how much she tried she would never be able to please her parents, "Father every step that I take is just another mistake to you and every second that I waste trying to please is more than I can take."
As the words spilled out of her, she began to run out of steam, moving from yelling to just speaking harshly and sternly to her father. She realized there and then that she needed to take control of her own life. "Father, like I said before, I've become so numb. I can't feel you there for me anymore. I'm tired of always trying to be what you want me to be. All I want to do is be more like me and be a lot less like you."
It wasn't until Jenny had seemingly run out of words and just stood there, looking furiously into her father's ice cold eyes that she realized she was crying. Upset that she yet again had given her father the impression that she was just a weak crybaby, she reached her hands up and wiped away the tears that were streaming down her face. She then turned around and ran towards the front door, hurriedly throwing on her shoes before reaching for the doorknob.
She did not stop, even as she heard her father's parting command that she come back and apologize for speaking like that to him and explain herself, adding that if she walked out that door she shouldn't expect any more help from her parents. But she didn't care. She just needed to get out of that house. It was suffocating her to stay in it.
The last thing she heard before the front door closed behind her was her mother's irate voice.