A/N: This is an alternate ending to If Only. It could've happened like this...
"Hey, sorry I'm late," Edward says, sliding into the booth across from me. He looks good, smiling and happy, wearing a new suit.
"No problem," I assure him, handing him a menu. He skims it quickly, his fingers tapping nervously on the plastic cover.
"What are you getting? The sandwich thing with the sweet potato fries?" he asks, peering over the top of the menu at me.
"You know it," I answer with a grin. He does know me, through and through.
As soon as he closes the menu, the waitress is over to take our order. We make small talk until she returns with a second glass of iced tea and sets it in front of Edward. When she walks away, he smiles shyly, reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a box.
A tiny, royal blue, velvet-covered box.
"Shit, Edward," I say, my eyes locked on the box as he slides it across the table. "Is that...?"
"Yeah," he says, a wide grin on his face. "Open it."
I scoop the box up in my hand and flip open the lid.
"Wow, E, it's... it's perfect," I tell him, staring down at the ring. "It's just perfect."
"Are you sure?" he says, biting his bottom lip. He looks up at me, a lock of bronze hair falling over his forehead.
There was a time when I would've reached across the table and brushed the hair out of his face. A time when his nervous smile would have made me blush and stammer and think dirty thoughts.
"I'm sure," I tell him, snapping the box closed. "She's gonna love it."
It's taken us a long time to get here. We spent nearly a year together as lovers, trying to make it work. I loved Edward with all my heart, and I know that he loved me, too.
Sometimes, though ... love isn't enough.
Edward was never able to accept the idea of being gay, of making his life with a man. He told his family about us, but never once identified himself as gay. It was always "I'm with Jake," or "It's about the person, not the gender." I understood his fear at first, but eventually it started to make me feel … temporary.
It never got easier for him to be out with me in public, either. He was always nervous, always on edge. Eventually we stopped going out, spending most of our evenings holed up in our apartment. I had spent most of my life out and proud, never shying away from going out in public and living my life, and I started to resent Edward for not wanting to be out with me.
It was almost a year after we started fooling around, right after Christmas, when everything went to hell.
His friend Bella had a New Year's Eve party, and begged us to come. Edward resisted, but eventually gave in to her whining. We went to the party and Edward immediately left me, hovering around the keg to talk to some girls we knew from college. They were his friends, not mine, so I didn't know many people there-I spent most of the night on Bella's couch watching Ryan Seacrest on TV.
When midnight approached, the crowd started to gather in the living room to watch the ball drop. I abandoned my spot on the couch so I could seek out Edward, so I could be with him at the start of the New Year. I didn't expect him to kiss me there, not in front of everyone, but I was hoping we could slip away somewhere quiet.
I looked in the kitchen, the dining room, even on the patio-no Edward. I jogged up the stairs to the second floor, peeking in open doorways. I was just about to give up when I heard a toilet flush and water running. I lingered outside that door until it opened, and I was face-to-face with Edward.
"Hey," I said, smiling. No one else was around, so I reached out to pull him into my arms.
"Is it midnight yet?" he asked, stiff and nervous in my arms.
"Almost," I answered. "Listen." The crowd downstairs was counting down from twenty.
"We'd better get down there," he said, pulling away from me.
"No, stay with me," I pleaded, tugging at his wrist. "Stay up here with me. I want a kiss at midnight, Edward."
"Jake..." he said, shaking his head slowly.
Ten.
Nine.
"I can't," he whispered.
Eight.
Seven.
"Why not?" I was hurt and angry. He was uncomfortable being affectionate in public, that I understood-but we were alone, in a dark, quiet hallway.
Six.
Five.
"Edward?" I prompted, stepping closer.
Four.
Three.
"Because they'll know!" he spit out. "They'll notice that we're both missing!"
Two.
One.
The crowd downstairs cheered, "Happy New Year!" and the sounds of Auld Lang Syne filled the house. We were silent, staring each other down in that upstairs hallway. Edward's eyes were wide, his whole body tense, and I had a death grip on his wrist. I waited, I gave him a minute to come to his senses, to get over his irrational fear and kiss me, but he just fucking stood there. I dropped his wrist when I heard giggling, someone coming up the stairs.
"Hey Edward," some blonde girl giggled. She had a big hulking Italian guy pawing all over her, kissing her neck as they pushed past us. They disappeared into one of the empty bedrooms and Edward and I flinched at the thump that followed-undoubtedly him pushing her up against the door.
"That will never be us, will it?" I asked him, jerking my head towards the closed door. Making out at a party, ringing in the New Year together, slipping off to a spare room to fool around.
Edward didn't answer.
I didn't need him to. I already knew.
I pushed past him and ran down the stairs, shoving people aside. I needed to go somewhere, anywhere. To get out of there. I left Edward at the party, knowing he could get a ride or crash at Bella's. I drove straight home, climbed into my bed-we'd been sharing Edward's for months, and my sheets felt cold and stiff-and cried.
He didn't come home until the next morning. His eyes were red, too, but I couldn't tell if it was from crying or just general sleep deprivation. I was at the kitchen table, eating a bowl of Cheerios, and he came to sit down next to me.
"Hey," he said.
"Hey," I replied.
"I'm sorry," he said.
"For what?" I asked. I was scared shitless, my heart pounding, because I knew it was a make or break moment for us. I loved Edward, but I was prepared to walk away. I couldn't live like that anymore.
"For making you go to the party. We should've just stayed home," he mumbled, looking down at the edge of the table. His words stung, and they confirmed what I already knew in my heart. He wasn't sorry for rejecting me, for not kissing me, for refusing to be all in with me. He was sorry we'd gone out in public at all.
"Edward …" the speech I'd practiced over and over again during the night suddenly seemed wrong. I'd planned to yell and scream and eviscerate him, make him feel as bad as I felt, but I couldn't do it. The whole situation was just too … sad.
"Edward, I can't do this anymore," I said, my voice breaking with emotion. "I just can't be with you like this. I'm miserable."
His eyes filled with tears and he shook his head, objecting.
"I can fix it," he said, angrily wiping away a tear that streamed down his cheek.
"No, you can't," I argued. "You just … you're not gay. You'll never be gay. You'll never be comfortable being with me. I love you, and I know you love me, but this … it's just not going to work."
"Maybe I can go to like, therapy or something," he suggested. "I'm sorry. I can try to … to adjust."
"It's been a year, babe. A whole year of us being together and you still can't kiss me in public? It's just not gonna happen," I told him, not even bothering to wipe away the tears from my face. "We tried, Edward, we really did. It's not … it's not working for me. I'm not happy," I confessed.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, his voice hoarse. He put his elbows on the table and buried his face in his hands, his shoulders shaking.
"I'm sorry, too."
It's been five years since our breakup.
It was harder on Edward than it was on me.
He moved out that next weekend and lived with Jasper and Alice for a while, crashing on their couch. He would come by during the week while I was at work to pick up his mail. I didn't see him for almost a month, although he texted me to ask me a few questions about the lease and the rent.
"Are you okay?" I texted him, after one exchange about Edward picking up his furniture. He'd rented an apartment.
"Yeah," he replied. And then, a few minutes later:
"Not really."
"I will be, eventually."
He and Jasper showed up the next week to load up his furniture and a few boxes of stuff from his bedroom. I left as soon as they got there-I was planning on helping them, but I just couldn't do it. It was too hard, too painful to see him. When I came home a few hours later, there was an empty space where his recliner used to sit. His key was on the coffee table, sitting on top of a napkin with Edward's messy handwriting on it.
Jake-
I'm sorry. I'll never stop feeling guilty for fucking this up. I don't want to lose my best friend. Call me when you're ready.
-E
It took the better part of a year before I was ready.
I spent the first few months in pain, curled up into a ball most nights, crying my eyes out. Seth was a lifesaver, dragging me out of my apartment at least once a week to work out, go to a concert, do something fun. I refused to go to any of our favorite clubs with him, though. I told him I didn't feel up to meeting anyone yet, which was mostly true. I didn't tell him about my secret fear that I would find Edward there with some new man.
That was my absolute worst fear. That Edward would find a man who could make him happy-who could convince him to come out, to live openly. That I just wasn't enough.
That's mostly why I didn't call him. I was afraid he'd say "I met someone..." and that I wouldn't be able to hide my devastation.
Right before Christmas, a package arrived for Edward. I considered sending it back, but I worried that he wouldn't get it in time for Christmas. I didn't know his new address and I couldn't find it online, so I knew I had to suck it up and call. I couldn't avoid it any more.
He sounded happy to hear from me.
He came over the next evening to pick up the package. I invited him in, to be polite, and offered him a beer.
It was really fucking awkward.
He only stayed for twenty minutes, and mostly we talked about our respective jobs and our mutual friends. When he'd drained his beer, I walked into the kitchen to grab the package I'd been keeping for him.
"Here you go," I said, handing it over. But Edward was distracted, focused on the box of Twinkies sitting on my kitchen counter.
"Oh Jake," he said, sighing heavily. "Have I taught you nothing?"
I grinned, remembering the day I bought those-how I skimmed the ingredient list and pictured Edward freaking out over all the processed sugar and chemicals.
"I eat vegetables sometimes," I said, shrugging my shoulders.
We had a moment there-brief, but real-where we were just ourselves. Where we didn't feel awkward and uncomfortable. It gave me hope.
After that, we rebuilt our friendship slowly. I think we both knew it would never be the same-we both carried a little bit of hurt and regret over the way our relationship ended-but we couldn't deny the bond we had.
We're still not as close as we used to be, as we were before, but we see each other at least once a week now. We have lunch together every Wednesday, and hang out a lot on the weekends. He has a girlfriend now, Emily, and they've been together for almost three years.
And I have Peter, the love of my life.
We met two years ago, at the grocery store of all places. He asked me if I knew the difference between the Organic Bartlett Pears and the Green Anjou. Of course I did, thanks to Edward-the irony did not escape me-and we spent a few minutes laughing together in the produce section. I offered to make him dinner, and we were pretty much inseparable from that moment on.
Peter knows about my past with Edward-so does Emily. Somehow we both found partners cool enough to be understanding about our friendship. We've had a lot of double dates over the years and even joked about buying houses in the same neighborhood so our kids could grow up together someday.
That was mostly theoretical though, until now.
"You really think she'll like it?" Edward asks, taking the box back from me. He opens it quickly to examine the delicate, beautiful diamond ring.
"Edward, you could wrap a fucking rubber band around that finger and she'd say yes," I tease. "She's gonna love it, trust me."
"Okay," he says, tucking the ring back into his jacket pocket. "Now I just have to figure out when to ask her."
"Are you gonna make a big production out of it?" I ask, unrolling the napkin around my silverware.
"Nah, that's not really Emily's style, you know?" he says. "I think maybe I'll rent a boat or something, take her out on the sound and do it there."
"That sounds nice, E. She'll like that," I tell him honestly.
"What about you and Pete? Think you're gonna get hitched anytime soon?" he asks. The waitress appears then, and I wait for her to leave the food before I answer.
"When it's legal," I tell him, shrugging my shoulders. "Not gonna do it before then. I know he's it for me, I'm not in any hurry."
Edward smiles, and I know he's genuinely happy for me. I push my plate over to his side of the table, offering him some of my sweet potato fries, and he grabs a few. We eat in silence for a few minutes, commenting only on how good the food is.
"Hey Jake?" Edward asks, putting down his burger.
"Hmm?" I ask, still shoveling food into my mouth.
"If she says yes … will you be my best man? Can I ask you to do that?" he asks, drumming his fingers against the table nervously. I only pause for a second, distracted by the thought that maybe it would be weird to stand up for my ex at his wedding.
But Edward isn't just my ex. He's my best friend-the person I trust most in the world, the person who knows me best. I know he feels the same way about me, too. If there's one thing I know for sure after everything that's happened, it's that my friendship with Edward is indestructible. I have no regrets as far as our relationship is concerned-it led us both to where we are now. We're both happy, loved, and successful. We both have amazing partners, and we still have each other.
"Edward," I tell him, locking my eyes with his, "I'd be honored."
A/N: It almost did happen like this. I consider this a happy ending, too, just in a different way. :) I'm very interested to know what you think-please let me know!
In other news, I'm still working on bits and pieces of this story in Edward's POV. I'm not sure how I want to present it, but you'll get to read it eventually. :)
Thanks to angsth00rs emilyg80 and SaintKristen for reminding me to finish this, and to einfach_mich for encouraging me to post it.