This is an EPOV outtake. It takes place during the timeline of the story, somewhere between chapter 7 and chapter 8, when Edward's still new to all this gay sexin'.
Thanks to MarchHare5 for the quickie beta job. I finished this approximately... twenty minutes ago. Read the ending A/N to find out why I was in a hurry, and how you can get more EPOV.
It's not that I don't want to do it. I see his cock in front of me—hard and thick and so fucking solid and sexy—and I can picture myself doing it. Kissing up his thigh, dragging my lips up his shaft and wrapping them around the head of his dick.
I'm not a selfish asshole, either. I know it's not cool to let Jake go down on me without ever returning the favor. I know that if there's some grand, life-long sexual scorecard, I'm failing.
I just... can't. And I can't tell him why. Jake has been so awesome, so understanding, and he never pushes me or asks me to do anything I'm not comfortable with. I don't think I could explain it to him if he asked me to, but I know he wants it.
Everything else we do, I can process. Kissing? I have a frame of reference for that. I've kissed dozens of people. Well, dozens of girls. But still, it's familiar. I'm good at kissing; I'm comfortable with it.
Even some of the other stuff we've done feels comfortable, safe, even though I've never been with another guy. When I'm touching him, getting him off, I feel like I know just what to do—I've jerked myself off enough times that I'm practically a fucking expert. Even fucking him feels right to me; it feels natural. I love making him come that way and feeling him tighten around me. I love looking into his eyes while I'm inside him.
So why can't I suck his dick?
It's not something I've ever pictured myself doing, or wanting to do. I never thought about it before Jake, and there's nothing analogous I can compare it to.
And yeah, there's a little voice in the back of my head telling me that it's wrong. That it's not okay to want it. That... to do this makes me a cocksucker. Just because I supported Jake before all this started doesn't mean I was immune to the cultural messages and the locker room trash talk; I just educated myself and rose above it, getting to know people like Jake and Seth on a deeper level.
It's just at times like this, with Jake spread out on my bed and his dick staring me in the face, that those messages come back in full force.
I swallow hard and shake my head to clear my thoughts. Nothing we're doing is wrong; loving Jake isn't wrong, fucking him isn't wrong, and neither is sleeping with his back pressed tightly against my chest. All of those things are pretty gay in and of themselves, so why do I only get anxious and scared whenever I think about sucking him off?
"Edward," Jake says, drawing me back to reality. His hand is warm and strong, reaching up to cup my jaw. I'm kneeling next to him, one hand wrapped loosely around his cock. "Baby, please."
Oh, right. He would probably like a little more friction now. My grip tightens automatically, and I resume the slow, smooth movements of my fist.
"Sorry, I was just..." I start, looking up into his eyes. I don't finish my sentence, surprised at how far gone he is. He's sweaty and panting, his mouth hanging open, and his eyes are rolling back in his head. It's almost four in the afternoon, and we've been fooling around for at least an hour, making out and rolling around together, kissing and touching and grinding, all while I've been obsessing about sucking his dick. I've been so wrapped up in my head that I haven't noticed how close Jake is to cumming already.
"God, don't stop," he moans, the fingers of his free hand tightening in the sheet below him. His other hand, his right one, is between us, resting on my hip.
"I wanna try something," I whisper, scooting backwards on my knees. I let go of his cock and lean over his body, resting one arm on each side of him. I kiss his chest, dropping a trail of kisses from one nipple to the other, and then down over his stomach.
"Stop, baby," he says, resting a hand on my shoulder. Shit, I think, I've already fucked it up. Panicked, I sit up on my knees and look down at Jake curiously.
"You don't want me to?" I ask, running my fingers through my hair.
"I just... I need to cum," he whines. "Don't tease me, okay? Just... touch me." He thinks I'm gonna tease him. He thinks this is gonna be like the other times, when I kissed my way down to his cock and left him wanting, only able to touch my lips to it briefly before the alarm bells in my head took over.
Tease. I think he's stumbled on the one word that might motivate me to actually try this. It sparks the competitive streak in me, the aggressive side that wants to prove to him that I'm not just a tease.
"I'll make you cum, Jake," I promise him, bending low to kiss down the trail of coarse hair leading to his dick. His eyes widen as he watches me kiss down to the base and then slowly, slowly, up his shaft. With tiny kisses, gentle ones, just like I've done before.
Nothing new, I tell myself. Nothing scary. I feel the panic flare briefly when I get to the head, and I feel drops of thick liquid under my lips. I let my tongue dart out briefly to taste it, to see what I'm in for, and Jake swears under his breath.
"Holy motherfucking shit, Edward." Both of his hands are clutching the pillow underneath his head now, his knuckles practically white with tension.
There's this moment where I'm looking up at him, his dick in my hand and the head of it just barely brushing my lips, and he looks so fucking turned on that it astounds me. I'm floored by the fact that anyone could want me this much, that he could want me this much. That he's probably dying to shove my head down, but he's holding back because he knows this isn't easy for me.
Somehow, just recognizing how much Jake cares makes it seem less daunting. I realize that every time I've made it this far before, I've been completely focused on the dick in front of me. I should have been focused on the person in front of me, on Jake, who loves me so much that he doesn't care about getting a blowjob. Who loves me so fucking much that he will make out with me like a teenager for an hour before he thinks about getting off, just to let me get comfortable.
As I part my lips and let my tongue slip out again, licking around the head of his dick deliberately this time, I still hear the voice in my head telling me no, wrong, stop. This time, though, it's overshadowed by the sound of Jake's heavy breathing, the rapid beating of his heart, and the soft little moan he makes when we make eye contact.
He loves this. He loves me.
I resist the urge to close my eyes, and keep them locked on Jake's. I think about everything he does to me, what feels the best, what looks the best, and I try out some different moves. I swirl my tongue around the head of his dick and lick him like an ice cream cone; the whole time my hand is sliding up and down, following my mouth, and I can feel him hot and pulsing under my hand.
"Jesus," Jake moans. "Oh, fuck, that feels so good. You look so hot, Edward, so fucking hot."
"Tell me if I do it wrong, okay?" I ask, lapping at another drop of the salty pre-cum sliding down the head of his cock.
"Baby, you can't do anything wrong, I pro—oh, fuck!" he cries, surprised when I wrap my lips around him and pull him slowly into my mouth. "Motherfuck, Edward, that's so good."
It feels strange. Odd to be filled like this, to be holding him in my mouth, to be thinking about things like how fast and how deep and watch your teeth. But it feels right, too, because it's Jake. Because his chest is flushed red and his hands are digging into that pillow and his voice is low and desperate, and it's me that's doing this to him.
I move slowly at first, testing the depth, seeing how much of him I can take in before the fear of gagging makes me stop. I know it's not much, not compared to what Jake can do, but I don't want to push myself. Not this first time.
Jake talks to me, keeping up a constant stream of praise mixed with swearing. "You're amazing. You're so fucking good. No one's ever made me feel this good. Shit, goddamn. I fucking love it, Edward. I love you and I love your mouth. Fuck."
I can't help but smile at that last one, and then I'm laughing at the idea of my smile stretched around his cock, and then I stop paying attention to what I'm doing, and I nearly choke on his dick. Sputtering, I pull back and cough to clear my throat.
Jake looks worried, and he lets go of his death grip on the pillow to reach out for me. "You okay? It's okay—you can stop. That was great for your first time, baby. So good."
I know he means to be tender and considerate, but I take his words as a challenge. Great for a first time? I'm shooting for just "great." Period.
"I'm not done," I growl, ducking down to take him into my mouth again. Jake leaves his hand on my shoulder, squeezing it gently and letting his fingers trail up and down my neck. He doesn't try to take control or set the pace. It's his way of keeping us connected, and it makes me feel a lot more comfortable.
"Yes!" Jake shouts, his other hand thumping loudly on the mattress beside him. I think I've found the right mixture of suction and speed, and I can tell he's getting close.
I think about what I like in this situation—firm, consistent pressure—and I wrap my hand around his dick again. It makes it easier for my mouth to cover what's left, and judging by the noises coming from Jake, this is just what he needs.
"Edward... has to be... now. Move. I'm fucking cumming, move!" he pants, trying to push at my shoulder. I'm determined to swallow around him, though, like he always does for me. To look into his eyes as he's cumming and give him the full experience.
Except... it's not that easy. As soon as he lets go and the first shot hits my throat, I'm panicking again. I pull away and spit into my hand automatically, unable to swallow the thick liquid in my mouth. It doesn't taste bad; I just wasn't ready for the texture and the heat.
Jake doesn't miss a beat, though, and his hand takes over where I left off. He groans through the rest of his orgasm, his cum spilling over his hand and his stomach.
When he's spent, his eyelids flutter closed and a sexy, lazy smile spreads slowly over his face. I climb up next to him, dropping my head onto his pillow and wait for him to look at me again.
"Wow," he says, grinning at me when he finally opens his eyes. "That was..."
"I'm sorry I—" I tell him, wanting to apologize for the way I bailed on him, but Jake leans over and kisses me hard.
"No apologies. That was amazing," he says.
"Yeah, but I kind of, uh, punked out there at the end," I argue, moving closer to him. He wraps an arm around me and pulls me into him so I can nuzzle his shoulder.
"You were perfect," he whispers. "How did you... how do you feel?"
"I thought I would be like, freaked out, and focused on what I was doing ... but mostly I was thinking about how you were feeling," I tell him honestly. My dick, still hard and throbbing, is trapped between us, and I grind into him slowly. I whisper in his ear conspiratorially, "I kinda liked it."
Jake growls, flips me over onto my back and kisses me fiercely. His post-orgasm lazy haze is over, and he's taking charge now, biting at my neck and my chest, holding me down flat against the bed as he moves down to my dick. He wastes no time with kissing or licking, just swallows me in one swift movement.
"Show off," I mumble, pushing up on my elbows so I can watch him. I love what he does to me, but now it's bittersweet; I'm going to have to practice so I can get better at this.
A/N: So there's a small glimpse into Edward's head. I wrote another longer, even smuttier outtake in EPOV (kind of a futuretake, set between the last chapter and the epi) for the Fandom for Sexual Assault Awareness fundraiser. There's a compilation of awesome stories, and you can donate to any charity from their list to receive the compilation. The deadline is June 15, though, so best to get on top of that right now: http: / / fandom4saa. wordpress. com/
Let me know what you think, or if there are any other moments you want in EPOV.
xoxo,
sadtomato