A/N: If you haven't read my "Determinant" alternate third book, please do that before you read this chapter. Seriously!
For the rest of you, this is the first of a series of chapters (probably at least five) that are set between chapters 44 and 45 in "Determinant" (during the time when Tris and Tobias are apart). As you might be able to guess from that timing, this stretch of "Prior Rings" will be very heavy in angst. But it is leading somewhere...
Chapter 2: Tobias – Revelation
"Do you have a little time, Four?" Zeke asks in too casual a tone as I enter the gathering room. I look at him suspiciously, noticing that he's sitting with Uriah and Christina, who both look extremely nervous. Shauna is to the side of them, moving herself back and forth slightly in her wheelchair as she purses her lips in aggravation. This can't be good.
"What's up?" I ask, crossing my arms over my chest and standing rigidly in place. I just finished a rough therapy session with Amar, so I'm already in a bad mood, and I can't imagine it will be improved by hearing whatever has the four of them looking like this.
"It can wait," Uriah says quickly, but Christina jabs him hard in the ribs.
"He has something to tell you," she says firmly, glaring at him before looking at me. "That you need to know before you decide if he can move in here or not."
I'm liking this less and less. I already told them all that I was fine with Uriah joining our mini-faction. In fact, I specifically said I liked the idea. But obviously they think that I might change my mind after I hear this.
"Just spit it out," I growl.
Uriah runs a hand along the back of his neck the way I do when I'm nervous. It's a habit he probably picked up from my broadcast, like how Christina and Cara both bite their lips now the way Tris always did. Probably still does.
"Um…" he begins, "it's…um…about something that happened before I left Philadelphia." My insides freeze with a sudden suspicion. No. Please tell me this isn't going where I think it's going….
Uriah swallows hard. "You know that Tris was really broken up when you left, right?" He looks at me defensively, but I don't respond. Of course I know that. I hate what I did to her. I hate everything about it. But I was more afraid of what might have happened if I'd stayed.
"Well," he continues, shifting his gaze to his hands, "It bothered me to see her like that. She deserved better, you know?" He shrugs, still staring down, and I still don't answer. I don't think I'm capable of speaking right now.
"And you know I've always liked her." The words dig into me, reinforcing my earlier suspicion, and I can feel sweat prickling on my forehead. He looks up defiantly. "She was in one of my simulations, so you know it's true. You saw it."
"Get on with it," Zeke says shortly, his voice rough. I'm not sure whether to feel grateful for his interference or not.
"Fine," Uriah says more quietly. "Well, I just thought that if you couldn't get your shit together and go back to her, she should at least know that she has options. So, I told her how I feel." No no no no no…. This can't be happening.
"And then I kissed her."
I don't think I move. I don't think I'm even breathing anymore. As far as I can tell, the world has ended, and I'm just frozen in the space it used to occupy. But my perceptions must be off, judging by how Zeke suddenly has his hands pressed firmly against my chest and by how Christina is yelling at me to take a walk, to get out, to just get out of here for now. The words finally reach my brain, and then I'm stumbling blindly out of the room and out of the building and who knows where from there.
I have no sense of time. My feet march beneath me, covering what could be blocks or miles in an endless stream of steps as the same image burns in front of my eyes. His lips pressed to hers. His arms around her. His body against hers. There's no air left in this universe.
Tris is mine! The thought is so savage it scares me, reminding me of a hundred other cries of jealousy spouted out at my support meetings. She's not mine. I know she's not. Even if I hadn't left her, she doesn't belong to anyone. She's free to do what she wants. But oh how I want her to be mine.
And Uriah was only in Philadelphia for a month longer than I was. I'm nowhere near ready to move on, but Tris was kissing someone else just weeks after I left? The thought practically digs flesh out of me.
This wasn't supposed to happen. I've been working so hard at this stupid support program, trying to get to where I can trust myself, to where I can be with Tris again. But she doesn't even want that. And why would she, when she can have Uriah? Kind, handsome Uriah who would never hit her, would never abandon her. How can I ever compete with him?
It's hard to say how many times I return to my faction, not even sure what I want except to somehow hear that it's all a joke, that it never happened, that his lips never touched hers. But each time Christina sends me away again, telling me to keep walking it off. As if it's possible to walk enough to lose these feelings.
Eventually, I realize I need to hit something, and if I can't use the exercise room at home, I know where there's another one. My feet find it on their own, storming into Dauntless as if I'm hoping that someone will try to stop me. Any excuse for a fight. But I must look terrifying, because no one gets in my way even in the faction of the brave. Instead, they let me pass, muttering behind me as I pound the familiar old path to the training room and rip into the largest punching bag they have.
I hit it again and again until my hands are bleeding and sweat is pouring down my body and my limbs are trembling and barely able to move. And still the image is pressing into my mind, the thought of their bodies intertwining.
Out of some old habit, I head back to my former apartment, the place I lived for two years. But the door is locked, and I realize someone else must live here now. Briefly, I think it must be Uriah, taking something else of mine, but it's a stupid thought.
I make my way up to the Pire, glaring at anyone who looks at me, and I'm almost out of the building when I stop, turning around to satisfy some inner desire for even more pain. The fear landscape room is right there.
It's not surprising that no one has changed the codes to the storage closet or the computer room. They rarely bothered even when this place was secured against outsiders. Now that parts of it are open to the public, they clearly don't care. So, I help myself to the serum and set the computer up as if I never left this place. And then I enter my landscape.
The building is taller than ever. I suppose that indicates progress – that I can handle heights which would have bothered me in the past. But all I can think of is how Tris jumped with me the time I took her in here. How she led me through that fear like she led me through the others. God, I miss her.
The image of her and Uriah still floats before me as I leap into the air, letting the simulation take me. It's probably my hardest landing yet.
I'm stuck in the box forever. It seems to have taken the shape of a coffin, and I feel like I'm buried alive in it, unable to see and utterly bereft of hope. I remember my hand on Tris' chest, her heartbeat fluttering under my palm as she told me to breathe with her, but the memory makes me feel even more alone and makes it even harder to find air.
Eventually, something clicks inside me, and I can't stand being in here anymore, and I find myself kicking the wall away and climbing out, uncertain how I actually managed it.
I wish I was back in it when I see the next fear.
I'm sitting in the back row of a small church, and Uriah is standing at the front, dressed in what is unmistakably a groom's tuxedo. Zeke and Amar and George are with him, happy grins on all their faces as they wait for the bride. I don't even have to look to know who it is, but my eyes are drawn to her anyway.
Tris looks more beautiful than I have ever seen her as she walks down the aisle. Her face is lit with joy, and her dress flows behind her as the wedding march plays. She doesn't even glance at me as she passes, her eyes focused only on Uriah, and the sick feeling inside me is so intense I feel like it will actually kill me at any moment.
I seem to be frozen in place, unable to move or protest or even look away as they exchange their vows and then lean forward into a kiss that lasts an eternity. Gone. She's gone. I've lost her forever. And it was all my fault.
I'm not entirely sure what triggers the landscape to move on. It certainly doesn't feel like my heartbeat has slowed, but I suppose it must have because the scene eventually changes.
Tris is in my arms. She's pressing herself to me, kissing me, and it feels so right that I forget where I am and forget that if she's here it must be as part of a fear. Instead, I pull her to me desperately, kissing her with everything I am. I've missed this so much. I've missed her more than I ever thought possible.
She winds her fingers through my hair, holding me to her, and my hands are under her shirt, feeling her smooth skin as the kisses deepen.
"I've missed you so much, Tris," I murmur against her mouth, breathing in her incredible scent. "I love you."
But I can feel her going stiff in my arms, and I pull away enough to look at her. She's terrified. Her eyes are wide, staring at something behind me, and she's backing away, holding her hands up defensively.
"No, please don't," she whispers, and I ache at the fear in her voice. "Please don't."
My body seems to be locked in place, unable to turn and see what she's looking at. Unable to move to defend her.
"Please, Peter," she begs. "I didn't mean for this to happen."
And then I see him moving in on her, his expression vicious. He looks so much like my father always did, anger and hatred etched into every line of his face.
"You didn't mean to cheat on me?" he asks almost softly. But it's a dangerous kind of soft. "With him, of all people? You think I'll just put up with this?"
Peter strikes her hard across the face, a back-handed blow that whips her head to the side and causes a cracking sound to shatter the room. I can tell he's broken her jaw.
She crumples to the floor, trying to defend herself as he hits her again and again, powerful punches and kicks that leave her bleeding and sobbing and curled into a ball as she attempts to protect herself. I'm fighting to move with every ounce of my being, but my muscles are still locked in place. I can't even shout, can't even cry. All I can do is watch as he beats her over and over. No. God, no. Stop this!
When he finally leaves, my muscles unlock, and I race to her, cradling her bloody form in my arms as her breath rattles in and out of her.
"Tris! Tris, please look at me. Please be okay. Please!"
She opens her eyes, and I'm frozen again at the hatred in them. "You did this," she hisses with her dying breath. "I only married him because you left me. This is all your fault."
And as the life leaves her eyes, I know she's right. I've failed her in every possible way. I did this.
A/N: If you need to be cheered up now, please feel free to reread the last few chapters of "Determinant." In the meantime, reviews? If you're not too sad?