A/N: So this is written from Mathias' POV so that you can see what the rest of the gang have been up to. A little warning ahead, I had quite some difficulties to grasp Mathias' personality in this so he might sound like Lukas sometimes. But I tried my best!
So today started my practical course and my schedule is pretty messed up right now so I can't really say when the next update will be, but I will try and keep the waiting time short. Have a nice day everyone 3
In some detached place in my mind I had been aware not only of the fact that Lukas was my life but also that I would never be able to handle losing him. And even though I knew somewhere that I couldn't handle life without him, I would have never thought that his absence would indeed cause this amount of pure heart cutting pain.
We had been in dangerous situations before but we had been together then, and ever since I failed to protect him that one time I had sworn to myself to never let that happen again. I had promised myself to never let go of his hand again.
And while the pain over his absence tore my heart apart the reality of my failure ate away my sanity. Because despite my silent oath, despite the hidden awareness of just how much I needed Lukas, I still had failed to protect him. He was gone, along with Berwald and Francis, and there was no way of knowing if they were alright, because they just as well might be dead, and I wouldn't know and that thought cut like a knife, twisting in my heart.
When the soldiers had appeared we had stayed there, hoping that maybe they would leave after they had finished their gruesome business, but then when one of them noticed the space that led to the door we had to go, no matter how much each and everyone one of us wanted to stay.
I could still see Lukas' face before me as he stared at me with wide eyes full of fear and despair as he had to watch me turn my back to him to leave him behind. Afterwards I thought that I should have stayed and fight, I should have tried to buy him the time to get away, even if that meant to face swords with my bare hands, because that was what I was supposed to do as his lover, wasn't it? And if I had died, that would have been alright too, as long as Lukas was safe.
I knew it was selfish to think like this, but I couldn't help it, the thought of losing Lukas forever in the flaming hell of what had once been a prosperous city was far too terrifying. Still there was the slight chance that they would made it, Lukas was not alone, he had Berwald with him, strong reliable Berwald and I was sure that Berwald would try everything in his power to get back to Tino and he would bring the others with him and then we all would be reunited and I would show Lukas just how much I missed and loved him…
I could feel tears well in my eyes, I knew that it was a futile hope but it was all I had and so I held onto it, because if I let go I would lose the last grip I had on my fleeting sanity.
The air stung in my lungs as we darted through the fields surrounding the city. I had to focus my attention on the underground in order not to trip over anything in the darkness, but still my mind was racing and pulled me back to the last image I got of Lukas and I knew that I would never be able to forget it. My eyes were blurry with rain and tears, but still I carried on, running after the dark shadow with the pale hair that was probably Arthur, Emil running next to me, a pained grimace etched onto his face as he clutched the puffin in his hand with the desperate need to hold on to something. On the other side was Tino, his face paler as the moon that was currently hidden behind the rain weeping clouds. All of us had left someone behind, and yet we were running, and we all knew just how hard it was to keep going.
Was it the right thing to do?
I could not tell.
At first it seemed as if we were alone out here, it was dark and the rain swallowed most of the scenery and the only sound that was audible beside the pattering rain was our labored breaths and the sound of our footsteps. We had left the terror and screaming of the city behind us, the fire was nothing more than an eerie orange glow on the horizon and the stars were obscured by dark clouds.
But the silence was misleading, for we were not the only ones disturbing the shallow peace of the night. It was only thanks to Arthurs warning shout that we got down in time before we could get spotted by the group of Orushian troops that passed close by. Their forms were distorted by the curtain of rain that was drumming on my back and they disappeared as fast as they had come into sight, their entire presence disappeared so thoroughly that I doubted for a moment that they really had been there.
Mud soaked through my clothes but I didn't dare to get up just yet, not until we could be sure that they were far enough away from us. Tino got up first, sitting up and watching the area tentatively and soon the rest of us followed. But none of us had the will or the strength to resume the previous running.
The forced break had put a damper on our stress induced flight response. The rain made it difficult to make out features but I could see that the others were as exhausted as I was, both mentally and physically. There was a group of trees nearby and I weakly gestured towards it, silently suggesting to seek shelter there. The trees had shed most of their leaves so the shelter was meager at best, but it was still better than being in the open.
I leaned against the trunk of a tree that had somehow grown into a crooked shape, Tino sat down on the floor, not caring if his already dirty clothes got any dirtier, Emil leaned next to me, absentmindedly stroking the bird in his hand that seemed more than unpleased about the whole situation and finally Arthur who didn't rest at all but strode back and forth in the small confinement in between the trees.
"So what now?" Tino finally broke the silence and we all looked at him as if asking the question also made him responsible for the answer. I could see the gleam of moisture in his eyes but Tino's lips were firmly pressed together as he struggled to keep his emotions in check. As if any of us had cared if he cried.
Deep down we all felt the same.
Suddenly I was overcome by a surge of anger and I rammed my fist into the tree that had served as my rest only moments before. The impact caused the rest of the few leaves that were still attached to the branches to fall down, showering us in bits of brown foliage. I cursed under my breath at the sharp pain in my knuckles and I still felt the anger bubble in my stomach. There had to be something I could do, but I couldn't think of anything that would actually help.
Emil looked at me in slight shock, he had took a step away from me as I assaulted the tree but then he suddenly slung his arms around me, pressing his face into my shoulder and sobbing quietly.
I had completely forgotten how young Emil still was and here I was selfishly acting out on my own despair while he had kept it together by now even though he was separated from his brother who had taken care of him as long as he could think. I closed my arms around Emil and patted his back, my anger evaporating and I realized that someone had to be strong and as I looked over to the others I knew that that someone had to be me. Arthur was strong no doubt and he had proved to be a reliable leader, but he was a stranger among us and I could see how out of place he felt. And Tino, poor Tino was fighting so hard not to lose it and I couldn't burden him with taking care of the rest.
"Come here." I said, voice hoarse as I beckoned both Arthur and Tino closer and after a moment of hesitation both complied, throwing themselves into my arms and letting go of the feelings that had gnawed at them until now.
It would be hard, no doubt, but it was the least I could do after failing Lukas so badly. And it gave my mind something to focus on instead of running in endless circles. It was a rather weird feeling to have my arms full of people, but on another level it felt comforting and while I looked down on the three different shades of blond I experienced a calmness I hadn't felt in a long time.
I could do it, I could hold this small group of desperate people together and guide them to safety; I owed at least that to Lukas. We stood there for a while, just silently hold each other, but after a while the emotional storm had subsided and one after another they retreated.
Tino's eyes were still red, but the rain on his face masked the tears he had shed, same was true for Emil, only Arthur retained a somewhat dignified aura, stiffly apologizing for his display of weakness.
"What are we going to do now?" Despite his obvious struggle to keep calm, Tino's voice was leveled and his eyes glinted with newfound determination as he looked at me questioningly, already expecting me to act on my role as the new leader.
"We have two options." I used my hand to indicate my words, thumb raised as I continued: "First, we stay here and wait for the others, we could try to go back and get them out but I highly doubt the success of such an operation." My index finger followed the thumb's example, "second, we follow our original plan and go to the capital, where we would eventually meet up with them at my father's place. We don't know if they will make it out and waiting here could be a futile effort for there is no way of knowing which route they will take so we might wait in vain."
All of us knew the implications of what it meant if they wouldn't be able to 'make it out', but I was unwilling to phrase it any other way, giving the nightmare a name only seemed to make it more real. "I know the chances are slim, but I just can't leave here without at least trying to find them, although I don't think it's a good idea to try and reenter the city." I could feel a bitter feeling rise in my gut as I speak my next words. "We have to face the fact that there is nothing that we can do if they are still in there." It was hard to admit it, but the chance for anything what we did to have any success was slim, but I just couldn't give up.
"You're right." Tino said, his eyes wide, but he spoke with firmness and he didn't flinch as I bore my eyes into his, probing the willpower behind his statement. "What if they need our help?" Tino continued, "we should at least stay here." I nodded; he was in the same boat as me, unable to leave his beloved one behind.
"I think we should go to the capital." Emil hugged his Puffin close to his body; the bird looked more ruffled than ever but quietly indulged his master's unrest. "It is what Lukas would do in this situation; he knew that it would be pointless to search in the blue while there is a known meeting point somewhere." He sighed and a pained expression crossed his face." I'm sure they're fine, Lukas is strong and they have Berwald with him, and I'm sure Francis can hold his ground too."
I nodded again, I could understand his point and I knew how hard it had been for him to voice it out loud because in a way he had just voted to abandon his brother. But I could understand and he was entitled to his opinion as I was to mine. And maybe he was even right, because I could see Lukas doing this, the prudent, reasonable thing to do in such a situation, but I was not Lukas, I was rash and reckless and I would gladly jump into the face of danger if that meant to save Lukas.
Arthur thought long and hard before he spoke, and when he did his voice was thoughtful and serious. "I can see your point." He said, looking at both Tino and me, "but I have to agree with Emil on this." He let out a deep and heavy sigh, fixing his eyes on the bright point in the distance where the city was still alive with flames. Arthur hugged his arms around himself before he turned his attention back to us, "We don't know where they are, but we know where they are most likely headed to, if…" He swallowed thickly before he resumed speaking, leaving the sentence unfinished in favor of starting a new one. "We should wait there for them, like Tino said, they are strong they will make it."
No one spoke for a while, it wouldn't be easy to come to a decision now, with two different opinions on the plate, but we had to, we couldn't stay here forever. And there was no way that I would allow us to split up, not after we had already lost half of our group.
"I don't suppose anyone is ready to budge on his opinion?" I asked, but I didn't really expect anyone to speak up, I wasn't ready to change my mind so I didn't assume that anyone else would be. "Thought so." I said dryly as no one said anything, I ran my hand through my hair, causing a fountain of water to flow down my face and for a moment I didn't know if I should laugh or scream in anger.
What a complete and utter mess.
"How about this," Arthur suddenly suggested, "We search around the area a bit and when we don't find them or any trace of them, we go to the capital." It was compromise, a sour compromise no less, but then again when have compromises ever been sweet?
"I don't like it." Tino frowned, "but you're right Arthur, that is probably the best we can do." I could see that no one was happy with this arrangement, but since splitting up was not an option that was indeed the best we could do, at least that was what I wanted to believe. Emil agreed with a nod and so we began to pick up our bags once again, it was still night and thus dark, but neither of us wanted to waste any time with sleep. The more time we wasted, the higher the chance was that we would miss them.
"So where are we going to start searching?" Tino asked, while he was readjusting the strap of his bag.
Good question.
"It is unlikely that they will leave through the main gate, the gate that we left through is also out of the question, is there any other gate?" Emil furrowed his brow in concentration. "The secret passage!" Arthur slapped his hand against his forehead, "how could I forget that."
"There is a secret passage?" I asked, and I couldn't keep the hope out of my voice, if Arthur's words meant what I thought they meant, than we had indeed some hope left to find the others. "Yes, Francis and I found it a few years ago, I don't know exactly where it starts but we always suspected somewhere in the palace, but I definitely know where the exit is."
Right in that moment I could have hugged Arthur and spun him around and kissed his face because, oh god, he had just gave this plan a purpose, a goal and suddenly it was not only about doing something but doing something that could actually save our friends. I hadn't realized until then how deeply engrained the expected failure had been in my mind.
But now there suddenly was hope, very real hope.
"If they have any chance on getting out of the city it will be through the passage, we just have to wait on them there." We looked at each other, each as breathless and excited as the others and as if it had waited on exact this moment, the sun began to rise on the eastern horizon, casting a warm and almost otherworldly glow, and there it was, a stretch of cloudless sky, promising an end to the rain and maybe even an end to this ordeal.
"Let's go then." Tino almost bounced on his feet in his eagerness to get going and Arthur didn't need more of an invitation to step forward and take the lead. The rest of us followed, hearts light for the first time since our dinner had been so brutally interrupted and my strides were wider and came more easily now that I was walking towards Lukas and not away from him.
I summoned Lukas' smiling face before me, that one rare face that he only showed me on very few occasions and that had almost blinded me with its stunning beauty. The image was so vivid and wonderful that it chased the cold out of my limbs and I didn't even mind the endless rain anymore because I had a sun shining in my heart that was brighter than the real sun could ever be.
It would be all worth it, when in the end I could hold my lover again, and I allowed myself not a second of doubt that indeed I would see him again.
And even though I knew that there was no guarantee that we would find the others, that there was still more than enough that could have gone wrong, I didn't waver, because I felt it deep down in my heart that my beloved one was alive somewhere.
...