By now I couldn't count the times anymore when I had woken up on cold and hard ground, neck stiff and back sore from the uncomfortable position. But even though I had grown kind of used to it, there was still something that was amiss this time.
Or rather someone was missing.
There was no Mathias who had his arms slung around me to give me the feeling of warmth and appreciation.
I pushed myself upwards, blinking a few times to get rid of the sleepiness in my eyes and checked on my surroundings. Berwald lied next to me still sleeping, only then, upon seeing his truly sleep-relaxed face did I realize just how exhausted he must have been up until now. He had kept up his glasses since he was lacking a safe place to store them, the crack on the glass slightly distorting his features. Francis was already up and cooking something deliciously smelling over the fire.
I climbed out from under the warm blanked and draped it back over Berwalds sleeping form. It was cold outside, the air felt almost crystal sharp against my unprotected skin and I shivered, but Berwald needed the blanket more than I did and so I simply pulled an extra jacket from one of the tree branches and huddled close to the fire. "Good morning, it is a wonderful day isn't it?" Francis greeted me with a smile and reached over to hand me a spoon, gesturing for me to taste his creation. I carefully lifted the spoon to my mouth, the soup was steaming and I didn't want to burn my tongue but after some blowing the temperature had cooled down enough.
"That's delicious, what is it?" I asked after I had licked the spoon clean, eager to get every last drop of liquid. "Nothing much really, I just put some herbs together a few vegetables and dried meat I had in my bag." After the fantastic meal he had cooked us just a day ago, it was truly no surprise that even something as profane as a herbal soup would taste great.
"I thought it might help Berwald a little, that wound looks nasty and I can't stop being impressed that he managed to get here all on his own. That man is really something else." I relaxed a bit as the warmth of the fire settled in and nodded in agreement. "I wouldn't have been able to do it, maybe if I knew that Arthur was in danger, but like this with no guarantee that someone was waiting at the end…?" A dry laugh escaped his lips as he resumed stirring his delicious soup. "What does this make me if not pathetic?"
"You're not pathetic." I said, playing with the spoon in my hand. Those thoughts were not unfamiliar to me, for I felt something similar before. "You made it this far, didn't you? You kept on going, you kept me going, even though you didn't know if we would even make it out alive and look now, here we are and we are fine because of you." Francis had stopped his stirring and was looking at me with intent, silently questioning if he could believe my words.
"You know what is pathetic? That even though I know that Mathias would have done it for me, hell he would go to the end of the earth for me, but still I would have given up in that situation, because no matter how often I claim to be strong and that I know what I'm doing, I'm not, I'm scared and don't have a clue what the fuck I'm doing. I always rely on other people, if they want to or not but still I act as if I were in control when in truth I'm not. I even cause Berwald to get hurt and it was stupid damn luck that he didn't get killed and it would have been all my fault.
But the worst is that I always act so high and mighty with Mathias, but secretly I was just so damn relieved when he promised to take care of me because it sucked to be on my own with everything. And now he's gone too and I haven't even told him how grateful I truly am and I don't even know if I ever see him again and worst of all I actually feel angry with him for leaving me alone, because being angry is so much easier than being sad."
I ran a hand through my hair, unsure what to do with myself now that I had thrown my feelings out in the open. I had never intended to lose my composure like that but once started I simply couldn't stop myself anymore.
Francis smiled at me sympathetically, but I suddenly found that it was too much to bear and averted my eyes. When I had first made the decision to work in the brothel I had thought it was the right thing to do and so I had done it, not because I was strong, but because I was weak and went the way with the least resistance.
Because starving was so much harder than to give up my body.
"That's not true." It was Berwald who spoke up, he must have woken up earlier, considering that I didn't really minded my volume that was no wonder. I turned around to look at him; Berwald was leaning on his left elbow, right arm still hanging rather uselessly at his side and was looking at me with a stern face, his trademark frown back in place now that the peace of sleep had left him.
"Mathias knows how much he means to you, and he would scold you for being so hard on yourself." He smiled at me, a truly rare sight and it looked almost displaced on his usually so serious face. "And he's right, you're not pathetic. I know not many people who would have done what you did to save your brother from starvation; actually you're the only one." I had never heard Berwald say so much at once before, but still I wasn't sure if I could believe him.
"Berwald is right, no matter what you might believe I know that what you did was incredibly brave. And even now you are strong, and don't think that just a moment of wavering makes you weak. It is okay to rely on others from time to time, that is what makes us strong. You told me that I'm not pathetic so now let me tell you; you are not pathetic."
"You came up with that plan with the uniforms remember, you got us out of there." Berwald added, shushing my upcoming protest with his next words: "It doesn't matter that I got hurt, I'm here now and I'm fine and if it weren't for you we would never have come half as far." Berwald winced, apparently not being able to use his main arm was putting a strain on him and so he was forced to lay back down to rest his other good arm. Suddenly I felt bad about being so difficult, both of them tried so hard to cheer me up even though they had their own package to carry.
And I couldn't deny that it felt nice to be comforted.
"Thank you." I said, bowing my head and finally acknowledging their efforts.
The sun stood low over the eastern horizon, it was only an hour or so after sunrise, the sky was promising with almost no clouds covering its vast expense. It would have been a wonderful day but with all the problems we still had to face I had no eye for the beauty surrounding me.
After making sure that I meant what I said, Berwald gestured for me to help him up and I obliged, but not without a certain uneasiness that a man like Berwald who I had only known as strong and reliable could be so helpless one day.
While Francis prepared three bowls for us, I used the opportunity to check on Berwalds shoulder. I carefully wrapped the bandage off his shoulder, which was thankfully clean of any blood and peeled the bark from the wound. The wound was covered with a dark red crust of dried blood and the skin around the small hole was red and swollen but I couldn't see any discolorations and since I had not much to go by I assumed that was a good thing.
But maybe, just to be sure I should wash out the wound with hot water; my mother had always done this when father had come home from work with a deep cut or another bleeding injury and sometimes even when Emil brought home an especially deep scrape. She had always said that wounds cleaned with hot water most likely wouldn't get infected and as far as I could tell it had always worked.
I took the now empty pot in which Francis had cooked our meal and went to rinse it out in the river; my food had to wait until I had set up the water because it would take a while to boil. Berwald had to eat with his left hand and after he fiddled a while with the bowl and the spoon he finally settled on clamping the bowl between his thighs. I would have helped him but I felt as if that would hurt his pride, I wasn't even sure if I would have accepted help in his situation.
After we had eaten the soup I went to fetch the water that had started boiling in the meantime. Francis watched me skeptically as I ripped off a part of a shirt that had not yet been used and dipped it in the water. But then he realized the thought behind my actions and started to soak the previously used bandages in the hot water, hopefully cleaning the cloth from everything harmful.
Berwald seemed to have gotten used to our weird medical practices and closed his eyes as I started to clean the wound. He didn't show if it hurt but I still tried to be as careful as possible. When I was content with my work I made place for Francis to apply the freshly cleaned bandages. This time without the tree bark, I figured that all the cleaning would be in vain if we just put something on the wound that could be unclean.
Come to think of it, all of our medical treatments had been random and questionable at best, I had just gone along with what had felt right and so far I hadn't done any harm. But from now on I would stick to what I had already observed as being harmless.
Berwald put his coat back on after we were finished, it was torn and bloody but since he lost his bag and neither or Francis had something in his size, it was all he could wear. It crept me out a bit though, to constantly look at that uniform that I had seen so terrible deeds done in. I haven't had any nightmares the last night but I had been physically exhausted then, but sooner or later the events would catch up to me in my dreams and wasn't looking forward to it.
So far I had managed to keep the images away and out of my mind, but sometimes I couldn't shake the feeling that they were luring there at the furthest corner of my conscience together with the smell of burned flesh, ready to jump at me the moment I let down my guard. I wondered how the other two dealt with it.
As often lately, my thoughts returned to Mathias, I wondered where he was and if he was looking for us. I knew it was unlikely, their wisest choice would be to go to the capital and that was what I would have done, but still I felt this tiny spark of hope that maybe he was out there searching for me. Was it selfish to think like that? I sighed, no, I couldn't let those dark thoughts resurface again, not after Berwald and Francis had put so much effort into dispersing them earlier.
I helped Francis with cleaning the dishes, while Berwald busied himself with locating our position. I still found his knowledge of navigation and the sky impressive and I wasn't sure if I and Francis alone would have had a realistic chance of finding the capital.
It was too cold to sit around for long without doing anything so the soon as we were finished with cleaning up we packed everything up, and were ready to get going. Francis had made sure that the fireplace was hidden under a thick layer of earth and wouldn't give our stay there away and I had smoothed out every trace we had left on the ground. Berwald took the lead, but he was slower than usual, more limping than walking but claiming that his legs were fine and that only his shoulder was impairing his balance a bit.
It was a wide difference to the day before when we had shivered in our wet clothes, it was still cold but without the clamminess it was easier to endure. I had drunken another willow bark tea, made with some leftover water so hopefully my coughing wouldn't act up from the exertion but I still felt a numb pain in my chest and every breath was accompanied by a scratchy feeling in my throat so it was far from over. But as long as I was not coughing my lung out, I was glad.
We walked at a constant but slow pace, the pale sun casting a soft warm glow on our faces, making the cold a little more bearable and the absence of sticky mud clinging to our boots made walking almost easy. During yesterday's walk I hadn't felt my feet at all, the cold making them numb but now I could actually feel my blisters again but to my relief most of them had turned into calluses by then and I hardly felt any pain. My hands though had regained some of their stiffness and I had to constantly flex them to keep them agile.
I wasn't much paying attention to my surroundings, despite the clear autumn sky the scenery was kind of barren with all the trees having lost their trees, the grass a dull green color and not much else to see. We were passing by a small forest; the trees bare skeletons surrounded by thick thistle bushes and other unfriendly flora.
It was then that Berwald suddenly stopped, uninjured hand raised and looking around, searching for something that neither Francis nor I could see. "There was someone here before us." Berwald whispered, pointing towards something on the ground that looked like unimpressive dirt to me. But to Berwald it seemed to hold a bigger significance before he sank down to his knees and examined the suspicious spot of ground further.
He furrowed his brows in an expression that surpassed its previous ones in scariness by far. I felt my stomach flutter, what did set Berwald off like that? Were those the traces of soldiers who were searching for us? But why would they search for us here, there had been plenty of other opportunities to find us; we had put a freaking fire up in the open after all. All these tension-filled situations started to get to me; I was on the verge of freaking out, because I couldn't handle yet another confrontation with enemy soldiers and close to inevitable death.
Berwald rose to his feet again, pressing his index finger against his lips and motioning us to follow him as he carefully stepped forward, glancing through the trees into the forest, and since we didn't know what else to do, Francis and I followed his example as best as possible. Needless to say that I felt incredibly stupid, sneaking around like this without a clue what was actually going on, but at least it gave me something to do to distract me from my nervous stomach.
And then out of nowhere suddenly I could hear voices and for a moment my heart seemed to constrict and die a very painful death in my chest, because I thought that this was it, that we had been discovered and that no luck in the world could prevent our demise this time.
And then to my complete and utter shock I realized that I knew this voice, this loud obnoxious and more than annoying voice and even though I didn't dare to believe it, because it couldn't possibly be true, I found myself running, brushing past Francis and Berwald, both as startled as I had been only seconds before, and towards the voice that was so unmistakably, that there was no way that I could be wrong.
I almost stumbled over a fallen off branch but I caught myself, breath irregular and chest burning as I broke through the thick undergrowth, thorns ripping holes into my pants and skin, and onto a small clearing, only a few meters away from the tree line but obscured by thick brushes that had grown almost like a wall on this side.
"Oh my god." A voice sounded, so familiar that it forced tears to my eyes, making my vision blurry but I didn't need to see at this point anymore to know just who I had found. "Lukas is that you?" And then there were arms and bodies and people pressed against me, and I was crying in the midst of it, clinging on to a warm chest and a smell that I had missed more than I had realized.
"Mathias." I whispered, "Oh god Mathias, you're here, I have missed you so much, I love you." The words tumbled out in a rush, as if I were afraid of not getting them out before this wonderful illusion would disappear again. "Shh, it's okay, I'm here now." Soothing words, almost as bodily as the warm embrace I was in and slowly my rapidly beating heart was cooling down, allowing me to take in the scene around me.
...