Moonlit Wishes
Part XXIX

No she hadn't forgotten that night, far from it Sami thought as her mind traveled back into time. EJ had been right she'd been pissed when he came home, but it wasn't all at him, at herself too; mad because she was feeling things for EJ she knew better than to be feeling for him. They were in an impossible situation married to one another, yet not living as man and wife.

A situation of her choosing, she wouldn't let him in, constantly reminding EJ she didn't love him which hadn't been completely true. She had been so confused she didn't know what she felt for him. Surely it hadn't been love; they had too many things against them.

But she closed her eyes and could hear EJ's voice speaking to her as clear as if he was in the room with her. She had questioned his motives using her good standby sarcasm as a ready weapon to use against him, claiming of course it had to be out of the goodness of his heart since he would never have an ulterior motive.

It had been all she could do not to laugh in his face when he had replied as a matter of fact; it was out of the goodness of his heart.

She may be many things, but a fool wasn't one of them, EJ never did anything without wanting something in exchange. He was a DiMera, and that is what DiMera's did.

She took out the next letter wanting to read his thoughts, thinking they wouldn't be anywhere near close to what she thought about that night, EJ had done what he had done trying to get Lucas free to mess with her mind. EJ was a master of orchestrating things to his advantage and she usually had to deal with the fallout of those machinations.

Anyway that wasn't the point, she knew how EJ was, he was a male version of herself, even though she didn't like to admit that and she sure as hell wasn't ever going to admit that to him.

My dear Samantha,

You accused me right off the bat of only trying to get Lucas free from prison for ulterior motives, which I immediately denied.

Really I wanted for you to be happy and yes, there was another reason one I didn't have the courage to share with you, that being I wanted you to choose to be with me because you loved me, not because I was your second choice. You had never been my second choice and I sure as hell didn't want to be a consolation prize for you if you couldn't be with Lucas.

Then when you threw out you wished I had been thinking about making you happy the night Johnny was conceived, it hit me hard, the one thing we never spoke of was what came about that night, and I really didn't know what to do.

So I decided it was now or never, I had to let you know my side of things and I really wanted to know your side too, as bad as it would be to hear it from your mouth, I needed to know.

So I asked was that what you were really angry about, how Johnny was conceived. You tried to leave, but for once I stood my ground and didn't let you leave the room. It was time to face the music so to speak and luckily you didn't storm out of the room like you usually did when something got too intense for you to bear with me.

So you stayed and you let me have it, you asked me did I think you could just move on? When you said you couldn't look at our son without remembering that night it was like icicles were starting to form in my soul even though you said you loved Johnny more than anything in the world, you didn't forget where he came from either.

I wasn't proud of my behavior that night, to this day I am ashamed of what I did, the choice I made was a bad one, but you know I never intended to hurt you. At the time when I presented that indecent proposal to you I had hoped if we could be together intimately that you'd realize you felt the same, but we both know how wrong I was especially after it happened.

It was the biggest mistake of my life and I've made some big mistakes as you well know, but out of that mistake came one of the best things of my life, our son Johnny. Which doesn't justify what I did and I'm not trying to do that now, it was just the talk we both desperately needed to clear the air between us, for both of us to know what the other felt.

When you talked about your emotional scars, it made me literally sick to my stomach, I never wanted to hurt you, but I did. It breaks my heart that my actions hurt the one person I never wanted to hurt. I really fucked up things and when you asked me why had I acted liked such a sleaze afterwards I thought once again we had been at cross purposes.

I had acted like an ass because I realized pretty quickly what we had done, didn't make you closer to me, I had driven us further apart and I was embarrassed because you were disgusted with me, an emotion I never wanted you to feel about me.

What I did will haunt me forever, but I hope you know now I tried my best to change, to be a better man from that day forward for you, for you to see that I wasn't that kind of man. I was a man who made mistakes, but I worked so hard to dispel that evilness that resided within me, the evilness that resides in us all if we are misfortunate enough to let it out.

I wish I could say I was a good man, but since I'm on a mission of truthfulness right now I can say most times my best attempts weren't good enough, I really didn't know that much about love or how to love, being the son of Stefano DiMera wasn't very conducive to bring about a loving environment or an aspect to my personality which thought about much beyond thinking of myself or what would make me happy.

I did try very hard to bring about a balance to things between us after that day even though sometimes you made that a very difficult thing for me to do. Like the time I heard you praying to God that I wouldn't be the father to your child, you know little things like that will sometimes make you want to do crazy things.

You were right, that moment didn't just change your life, it changed mine like I told you, changed it in a very different way. Me trying to understand what and why I did what I did which ended up hurting you was the reason I turned my back on my father, turned him in after I helped your mother find John. I was fumbling in my way, trying to do things better. All I wanted was for us to wipe the slate clean, for us to start again because I really was sorry.

Then you said if I wanted to be a good father for Johnny I needed to stop cavorting in steam rooms with the likes of Nicole, which of course I reiterated once more that nothing happened and then I just said it aloud the reason nothing had happened with Nicole and I was because I told her I loved you.

I held my breath, I doubted you'd believe me, but it was the truth. I loved you, not her.

When you said fine that the slate was clean, I almost thought I was hearing things, it took a moment for your words to sink in and we were having a good moment, until Nicole barged in the mansion and for a little while I thought all was lost.

You managed to surprise me, when after a few tense minutes with Nicole you ushered her out of the house. You are a tigress when you want to be and it was funny to see you make her leave the premises.

You know I couldn't let it be, I just had to tease you a tiny bit and before I knew it, you kissed me again. I would have teased you every day if I had known I could get your sweet kisses, although your kisses also did another thing I didn't like, when you would realize what we did, you would run from me.

At least that night I had the good sense to follow you.

Back then I was ever the hopeful romantic, oh where did that man go?

Moonlit Wishes
Part XXX

Sami got up from the floor, taking the next letter with her as she walked over to the window, looking out the window to view the yard outside, granted it needed some work due to what she guessed was years of neglect, but she could see the potential there as the sun was starting to set in the distance. She decided to sit in the window seat, opting for the last rays of light to illuminate the letters since it was becoming darker in the room.

She leaned her head up against the window pane, these letters from EJ were eye opening, his insight into both of their personalities at times made her angry, yet he was also making her laugh at times too, she really did love his sense of humor and quirky way of looking at things.

Reading these letters was proving one thing to her, she missed his friendship, and no one really ever told it to her like it really was even when it pissed her off. She hadn't opened the next letter yet, she wasn't sure she wanted to see it because she knew what he would talk about.

The night they made love, it had to be what was inside of this note she held in her hand. It was like she had a sixth sense now concerning these revealing and very personal letters to her from EJ. This was something that was completely her own, and she knew she would never let anyone else see these letters. No one had ever done anything remotely like this for her ever.

EJ's question to her of where did that hopeful romantic he used to be was simple. Even if EJ didn't believe he was a romantic anymore, anyone who would go to this much time and effort had to be either crazy or a hopeless romantic at heart. Right now she guessed he might be a bit of both, god knew she was that too with a dash of being neurotic thrown in for good measure.

Well maybe a healthy dollop of neuroticism, but whatever she wasn't taking precise measurements on the wacko meter. She wanted to read while she still had some light left in the room and had to go find some candles or whatever EJ must have used while he had been here before her pouring his heart out to her in these letters.

She guessed no one with the exception of EJ had ever thought she was worth the effort. She looked at the glass seeing a dim reflection of her and wondered why anyone would bother.

Somehow even when the rest of the world gave up on her at some time or the other EJ was the one who didn't give up on her. Why was that and why did she have the sinking feeling with these letters EJ was somehow giving up on her now?

Maybe she just needed to get to the rest of these letters and be done with it. She still wasn't sure why EJ had agreed to giving her sole custody of the kids despite her asking him to do so the other day at the pier. She was confused over this latest turn of events and hell she wasn't afraid to admit she was more than a little bit emotionally damaged as a person.

Just another thing she and EJ had in common, one of many apparently.

Moonlit Wishes
Part XXXI

Sami opened the letter, getting accustomed to EJ's handwriting and liking it, he wrote in cursive something that most kids in school didn't even learn anymore. She must be getting older thinking that kids were missing out on some of the finer points of education, while even the twins and Sydney one day would undoubtedly surpass her computer skills (although she hoped they didn't excel in how to hack computer files, especially hospital ones) maybe she'd teach them how to write cursively. EJ's handwriting was nice even when some of the things he had written weren't nice and she could only imagine what he would say in future letters to her.

Ever the procrastinator she would cross that bridge when she came to it, right now she was interested in this letter from EJ. It was oddly comforting to her to be reading these memories from their past, making her take a hard look at them both instead of throwing all the blame towards EJ in regards to their twisted relationship.

Dear Samantha,

You tried to beg off when I began to ask questions as to why you kissed me, but you know me I wanted to know what had drawn you to me when for months you had treated me like I had the plague despite our marital status. It wasn't a marriage, we weren't even sharing the same bedroom, much less the same bed, but I was biding my time hoping you'd come to see that you cared for me and wanted to be my wife.

When we talked some more you revealed more to me of things I did not know of how you had a similar experience with Austin which stunned me, especially when you said if Austin could find it to forgive you for the things you had done to him then what kind of person would you be if you didn't do the same for me.

I felt we had overcome a huge obstacle in our relationship and when we kissed the next time I felt my heart soar. I just wanted you to give whatever it was between us a chance, a real chance. So for us to kiss again, thinking this might be going to the next level I was happy, but so damn nervous too. I thought here was my one shot to get this right and it looked like things were progressing fairly well until we heard the twins cry.

There wasn't any question that our first priority was the children so we both went to check on them, together, but it was a good thing too. We were taking care of our children; this was a couple thing, one thing that I definitely wanted in our relationship. I loved being a father and you were so good with them. It was like we were really and truly becoming a family in every sense of the word.

I only hoped after we got them to sleep you would want to pick up things where we left off, knowing you the way that I did I wasn't entirely sure you'd even want to kiss me again, much less anything else and I was dying of need for you by that time.

Then you made me smile because for a change you decided to tease me, to tell me you were tired with that sexy little smile of yours and I felt confident enough to tease you back saying I guess I'd have to remind you of where we left off.

This time when your tongue darted out of your mouth and traced my lips it was all the encouragement I needed. I just went on pure emotions, I felt so many different things at once, my heart was racing, and my ears were ringing. I felt like I was falling, flying, high, your kisses made me feel like I was on fire and with each one I wanted another taste of you.

I couldn't get enough and when you wrapped your legs around my waist and I somehow managed to make it to the bed and we fell on it, I thought I'd wake up, that I had been dreaming all of this like I dreamed of you night after night only to wake up alone.

But I wasn't alone, you were there making those sweet panting noises while I kissed down your neck, even more so when I pulled at the strap of your tank top, finally gaining access to see more of you than you had ever allowed me before. I was so hard I thought I'd come before I ever had your clothes off, much less mine.

I didn't want to scare you, this feeling that was arising in me was taking over, this incredible urge to touch your skin, to explore that exquisite body of yours was mounting with each second. Any moment I thought you'd tell me to stop and if it had been what you truly wanted I would have even though it would have killed me, I would have done it if you had felt we were moving too fast, but thankfully you didn't stop.

You wanted me as much as I wanted you because when you slid out from under me to kiss down my stomach I thought this was heaven, being here with you, touching you, having you touch me in return it was pure bliss.

I never wanted that night to end, we made love that night Samantha, it wasn't just sex like you wanted to claim it to be after we spent hours together in the most intimate way a man and woman could be together. I knew you felt it too, you had surrendered to it, that irresistible pull that seemed to come over us whenever we got too close to one another, the feeling I'd get whenever you walked into a room, you realized we did have a special connection with one another too. I know you did no matter what you said to the contrast.

There was no way we could have done the things we did with one another if you hadn't care about me, I'll never believe that somewhere in the back of your mind that you weren't feeling what I was feeling. I'd had sex lots of times in my life, too numerous to count because I'd been sexually active early on in my teens and nothing I had ever done even came close to the feelings you brought out in my that night.

It was the first night I ever truly made love with another person, it was with you Samantha Gene Brady and it was because I loved you.

That night would have been perfect, the start of a new life for us together, one as man and wife.

That was until Lucas burst into the bedroom proclaiming he was home and my dreams of a life of happiness with you was shattered into a million tiny pieces when you leapt out of the bed where we'd just made love and ran after him leaving me there wondering why in the hell had I ever even tried to get that poison dwarf out of prison in the first goddamn place.

Funny how one night could be the most perfect and awful one of your life all rolled up into one isn't it?

EJ

Moonlit Wishes
Part XXXII

Of course EJ had known it had been more for her than just sex like she had claimed when they paused enough to catch their breath, their bodies sated yet Sami knew she had to keep him from making him reveal her soul to him. She had said and done things that night she hadn't planned on.

That was the problem, EJ could make all her meticulous plans of keeping him at bay blow up with just a look or touch from him and he had given her more than a few incredible touches that night. She had revealed too much to him anyway, their talk beforehand had been honest enough, but when he wanted to talk afterwards how could she articulate how she was feeling?

I mean how was she supposed to put into words how it made her feel when he whispered tenderly sweet words of praise to her while he softly pushed her hair out of her face before gently tracing her face? How on earth could she not kiss him when he spoke to her and looked at her like she was the most precious thing in the world?

It was too much and yet not enough at the same time. Emotionally more than she could handle all the while physically her body was craving more. It was madness that what it was, whatever they had between them wasn't something she could compartmentalize, and these intense feelings didn't go into neat little boxes that she could label. It was wild something that she had no control over and it frightened her.

What would EJ do to her heart and soul if she gave him access? No, it had been better to play it cool; distance herself from him, especially the sweetness in him after they had made love would be her undoing if she allowed him to fall asleep in her arms. She had to keep her guard up or she'd lose it all, her heart and soul and she wouldn't recover from it when he left her one day. Everyone she had loved left her and it wasn't something she cared to live through again because she was afraid this man would be the one she wouldn't get over.

Better to keep her heart locked safely away, the kindness wasn't something she was used to from others, and when EJ had turned those chocolate brown eyes on her looking at her like she meant everything to him, she could feel the panic starting to claw its way to the surface.

Reality hit when Lucas had barged into the door, making this special night between she and EJ into something tawdry. She had denied feeling anything for EJ to Lucas so many times it had become a mantra to her and it was like a nightmare for her ex-husband to see her in bed with the man she claimed not to care about at all.

Instinctively she had rushed after Lucas, she had to make him see it wasn't what he thought, but how could she explain her being the EJ to him when she didn't understand it herself? She had thought she would be sick, her family would be so disappointed in her. EJ was a DiMera and she was a Brady, their families were enemies with one another and had been her entire life. She was supposed to be in love with Lucas and there she had given herself to EJ willingly.

All those conflicting feelings assailed her again as if she were reliving that night. Truer words were never spoken, how could a night have been so perfect yet so awful?

She honestly didn't know what might have happened if Lucas hadn't of shown up that night. Maybe it was better she didn't know, to think of how things that might have been or how her life might be now if she'd admitted to EJ how much he'd meant to her.

So many maybes rushing through her head, so many it made her head spin.

Moonlit Wishes
Part XXXIII

Dearest Samantha,

See what happens when you have good intentions? I should have stuck with my original intentions and let that miserable excuse of a man rot in jail for shooting me in the back no less on the day I married you. But no, I wanted you to be happy and that selfish part of me wanted you to make me your choice. That I always wouldn't have a nagging whispering in my head saying she's only with you because she can't have Lucas.

To make it worse to hear you groveling to that little toad while he raised all kinds of hell at you for sleeping with me was unbearable. It was like you were ashamed that we ever touched, ever kissed much less made love with one another. Why were you apologizing to him?

I didn't expect you to shout accolades of your undying love for me amongst the rooftops in all of Salem, but I sure as hell didn't expect you to ignore and avoid me as much as you possibly could to appease Lucas. He cursed you, called you all kinds of derogatory names and repeatedly screamed over how he was going to take Allie away from you as soon as he was able to get her out of the mansion.

He was tearing you apart and you let him, you begged him to forgive you that I meant nothing to you. No one was going to stand in the way of your great love for him, certainly not me.

Lucas wanted you to prove that you loved him and of course you would show me how little you thought of me and our marriage, grabbing out the annulment papers from my briefcase as fast as you could get them out and making a huge scene wanting to sign them. I don't think it even fazed you when I told you to have a great life and that I had already signed my part of the papers anyway.

You wanted out, you got out, I was heartbroken though you would never have known it, and you were doing everything in your power to stay away from me. Then when I went to Chez Rouge with Nicole and we got a tad bit tipsy you came to take me home. I thought you cared; I should have thought again, you were only jealous of Nicole wanting to spend time with me.

Do you know that little man had the gall to tell me you actually had feelings for me even though you wanted me out of the mansion, my family home because Lucas demanded that I leave. I should have beaten his scrawny ass there on the spot. I decided not to go anywhere and John backed me up. He didn't want Lucas there anymore than I did.

You were so unfair; you wanted to pretend that the night never happened between us. You would have done anything to avoid us talking about that night and you wanted me gone so that you wouldn't see me, have to deal with me, even think about that night.

We made love, you can say it was sex until judgment day and it won't change what happened. I wouldn't leave my home and when I called you out on this entire bs hoping somehow you would admit you couldn't stop thinking about that night you would.

I told you maybe things were unfixable between you and Lucas, but you weren't going to listen to me. You kept begging me to move out so that you could work out things with him. Hell why didn't you just take a knife and cut out my heart? You were killing me.

You tried to sweet talk me and were extremely pissed when I stood my ground and said I wasn't going to move out. The convict should have moved out, not me. John was so great, he told you that I was blood, you were not and if I wanted to stay I could stay.

So I did, thinking somehow you would wake up and see you didn't have to beg Lucas daily to take you back and continue to harass me about moving out. You just kept saying Lucas was the love of your life over and over. What a liar you are Samantha and while you were so determined to get me out it just made me want to dig my heels in that much harder.

So no, I didn't tell you the annulment went through, I made you believe we were still married, I kept hoping you'd come to your senses and see that I was the man for you. I loved you and was willing to do anything to keep our family together. I did tell you the truth my visa had expired, but luckily I was able to stay in the country and acquire my dual citizenship.

You went off your hinges when I came clean about Mr. Burke, about what I had done to make you see that you loved me and somewhere inside of you I think you did love me, at least just a little bit. You didn't want our marriage to be over anymore than I did. I said some things I shouldn't have, told you that you would have done the same thing if the tables were turned and I know you would have because we are alike Samantha. We take what we want, the consequences be damned.

For a brief moment I thought you were going to consider what I was saying to you, I was begging you to be honest with yourself, with me. We were so close, I could see it in your eyes, you didn't want us to be over either and we almost kissed.

Then you yanked yourself away from me, so that I wouldn't be able to kiss you and you ran. I asked you to wait, god I had waited so long for you, for you to see that what you needed was standing right in front of you, all the love you had ever dreamed about was there in me.

Still you turned away from me, from us. You were determined to deny both of us and you did because you were too afraid to stay and face the truth.

You broke my heart that day, too bad it wasn't the last time you'd ever have the chance to do that to me again.

EJ

Moonlit Wishes
Part XXXIV

Well she'd known by now he was going to forge on, evidentially determined to spill all these things he felt concerning them and after reading his latest letter to her she could obviously tell he had been hurt when she had decided her best course of action was to repair the damage to her relationship with Lucas instead of trying to see what would happen if she gave EJ a true chance. She had told EJ that she still loved Lucas; she guessed a part of her always would even though in hindsight she knew it was the love of an old friend, someone she had known since her teen years instead of an ever consuming love that would sustain a loving relationship over time.

She remembered how desperately she had tried to stay away from EJ. If she saw him she would have to confront her burgeoning feelings for him, ones that didn't seem to dissipate even after Lucas came home from prison. It had been a constant struggle to maintain that she loved only Lucas and even he had made her admit she did care for EJ or she wouldn't have slept with him.

She had tried so hard to keep EJ away from her, if she didn't see him then surely these feelings would go away, they would fade over time. How wrong she had been. It was like being in a warzone, she constantly felt torn between the two men in her life, Lucas was the dependable choice, she would be able to manage him, he was predictable, and she could gauge his reaction to almost anything that would happen. EJ on the other hand was a wildcard; there would be no set way to go about their relationship if she had chosen to be with him.

Why couldn't EJ see that things would be too volatile between them? Their unfinished night of passion had been something that was seared into her mind forever even though she tried her damnedest to not think of it, it would do neither of them any good to revisit that night.

Yes, she had been upset when John revealed the annulment had went through even more so when EJ told her he had orchestrated the immigration hearings with Mr. Burke. She had been so worried he would be deported and he'd played games with her trying to get her to admit her feelings.

She stopped herself right then because that would have been her perfect opportunity to get him out of her life once and for all, yet she had chosen to fight for him to stay in the country. She said it was only for Johnny's sake which hadn't been the entire truth. Part of her didn't want him to go, she could have gotten him out of her life several times over and each time she had never taken the option to ban him completely from her life.

She distinctly recalled his words to her to not do this when she tugged on her wedding rings he had given her and shoved them away into his body. EJ had told her that she could do a lot, and he was sorry for some of the things he had just said, not all of them mind you, but for her to please not to do this. He said it wasn't about the rings even though the symbolism of her taking them off wasn't lost upon either one of them. He was right it wasn't honest because there was a part of her that wished that we were still married even while she callously told him it was over and he was dreaming if he thought otherwise.
She didn't want to hear him try to convince her to change her mind citing that she had told him how much she had changed and how honest she was about it all. He said just two minutes later, she was standing in front of him lying and lying to herself.

She had almost broke then, he knew she was lying and he was trying so damn hard to get her to say the words to him, the ones that frightened her to no end. If she gave in her life would be unpredictable, her family would be shocked that if given the choice she might choose being with a DiMera instead of returning to the man who purportedly loved her even though Lucas' love always contained a string of conditions for her to follow.

She told him she couldn't do it, although he had her when he brought up she was unable to deny it either. She could hear it in his voice the quiet desperation that pled with her for just a moment for her to please be honest with herself because he knew she had feelings for him.

And she had by that point she was crying when he asked could she tell the truth and it had come out her cry in which she said reiterated to him that he knew she did. Luckily she managed to tear herself away from him before she broke down completely even though it took all her strength not to turn back around and rush into his arms when he called out for her to wait.

One step back would have been all it would have taken, yet she had been unwilling to take it and look where they were now. One little step could have meant so much to them both.

Moonlit Wishes
Part XXXV

Dear Samantha,

I still had hope for us though; at least you admitted a part of you had feelings for me albeit I knew it was a tiny part. I kept that hope alive at least until I got the phone call from you.

I mean really how mature was it of you to dash all my hopes with a breakup phone call? The only thing less mature would have been a Facebook status change, email or text break up, now that I think about it a text would have been worse, I think. Now sexting is another story all together.

Sorry got a bit distracted there for a moment thinking of sending you a text about hmmm….

Granted we were divorced, but do you know how embarrassing it was for me? There I was with Nicole talking (really we were only talking) and she had this crazy idea for us to make a wager, a hundred dollars to be exact that you would blow me off, that you wouldn't pick me over Lucas. I was confident enough that she was wrong.

It didn't take long for me to lose a hundred bucks, you called and while I was inquiring when you'd be home with the twins from the Horton BBQ you wanted to inform me that you'd loved Lucas and that you were never going to love me the way I loved you. Now if I'd been an optimistic person I'd thought well you mentioned you loved me, just not with the same intensity of my feelings.

Somehow I wasn't feeling too optimistic after we hung up I wanted to escape the mansion, I felt the walls closing in on me and I had to get out of there. Nicole wanted to tag along so I let her. I mean at least she wanted to spend time with me and found me to be interesting, which of course I am even if you were too stubborn to see it.

The blackout due to the heat wave wasn't something I had anticipated and when Nicole invited me to her room at the Salem Inn we were only going there for drinks, nothing more. When the power went out and we were stuck in the elevator I wasn't planning on having sex with her. I know you won't ever believe the evidence to the contrary, but I was hurting over your rejection, your constant rejection of me ever since Lucas had come back to Salem.

Nicole liked me, I assume she thought I was handsome enough and being the lush she is she had stolen a bottle of champagne from the mansion. We opened the bottle and drank some of it. I know you don't want to hear it, but I considered Nicole to be a friend to me at the time.

She did listen to me wax on about you and how I cared about you even though she didn't think too much of you as a person. Guess that feeling is mutual eh?

One thing led to another, she was more than willing and before I knew it we were having sex, not making love, it was sex, I do know the difference between the two although you probably don't believe that I'm capable of distinguishing such emotions.

I'll spare you the rest of the details, I'm not proud of that indiscretion with Nicole anyway, but if it makes any difference to you, I called out your name when I was with her. I wanted to be with you, making love to you, not hooking up with someone whom I later realized much too late wasn't even worthy of my time, much less anything else.

I felt bad, I mean there I was thinking of you and not her, but fool that she was she didn't stop me. I wonder sometimes now if it was all a game to her, trying to lure me from you, maybe I was a challenge to her. All I wanted was you, and you didn't want me.

I felt even worse when we were rescued from the elevator, clothes still askew, but on thank goodness I was partially dressed and there you were with the twins, standing there looking at me like you couldn't believe I was there with Nicole. You knew instantly what we had done; all you had to do was look at my guilty face.

I saw your face harden; much like your heart was already, against me. The disgust on your face was bad enough and then when you stated your disbelief over how you couldn't believe I would do something that nasty as hooking up in an elevator I really didn't know what to say to you. What kind of defense could I give you?

I'd lived like a monk for over a year hoping you'd make up your mind and want to be with me and when you finally did make love with me you ran from me as quickly as your legs could take you from your bed when Lucas came home. You wavered back and forth between us, never clearly making up your mind all the while I kept praying you would choose to be with me because you loved me.

But I shouldn't have worried about this hurting your feelings because you stated emphatically that you didn't care if I slept with Nicole. I was embarrassed for you to know what I had done, whether or not you ever think any of this is the truth, for what it is worth it is. I still loved you and if you had given me any kind of indication that we could have worked things out I would have done it in a heartbeat.

But no, you were glad I had been with Nicole and I guess that gave you what you considered to be another valid reason for choosing Lucas over me. Only I would sink to the depths of having sex with someone else right? Too bad you didn't think it all through a little more carefully. I wonder what you would have decided if you had known that all the while I was with Nicole, Lucas was having sex with Chloe.

EJ