Moonlit Wishes
Part XXXVI

Sami thought back to the day when she had found out Lucas had slept with Chloe. She had come across Nicole and Chloe at the Pub. When Nicole let it slip that Chloe had slept with Lucas at first Sami didn't want to believe it, then it hit her of course Lucas went to Chloe. Hadn't EJ done the same thing with Nicole?

They had both sought out other women when she couldn't make up her damn mind about either of them. She had been in a constant state of confusion, one moment declaring she loved Lucas and wanted to make a life with him all the while stating she did have some sort of feelings for EJ.

She hadn't known the extent of her feelings for him. How could she actually put a name on something that constantly had taken her by surprise with each new situation that arose between them? EJ could take her from laughter, to anger, to tears all within minutes if she let him.

But to have both of those bitches laying claim to the men who meant so much to her had been a bitter pill to swallow. So yes, she had resorted to childish tactics throwing food on them had given her some sort of temporary satisfaction, she was angry at them. At least it had until EJ had come into the pub and she'd accidentally managed to sling pie in his face.

He wasn't happy, not at all, yet did he fuss at Nicole and Chloe, the slut twins? No he took her by the arm, demanding a word with her and then proceeded to blame her for all of it. Hello, she hadn't been the only one throwing food in the room.

EJ started off by guilting her by saying Caroline didn't need to deal with this mess when she had so many other things to burden her. Immediately she had felt like she was a mere child, being scolded for her ridiculous behavior.

Sure her feminine pride was hurt; hell those whores went after her men. Then she stopped herself short. She couldn't have both of them waiting in the wings, hoping she was going to chose one or the other. She had been fickle in like an extreme case of fickleness.

EJ went on how she had brought this on herself which of course she had denied turning the blame back to him. He had been more than a tad sarcastic in his reply stating of course everything was his fault and he should of thought of that earlier.

She hated it when he got all snarky with her, especially when she was having a hard time coming up with her insane reasoning as to why EJ was to blame for all this going wrong for her. She didn't want to look at the fact she had driven both of these men into the arms of other willing women who in her mind were two of the biggest skanky ho's in all of Salem. It was easier to blame him, that way she didn't have to blame herself.

Well she'd taken her tattered pride and turned it back on him, telling him not to worry she'd be moving out of the mansion with the twins.

Damn if she hadn't opened up a huge can of worms when she declared her intentions. EJ made her say and do things she wouldn't do under normal circumstances, then again when was her life ever normal?

To beat it all she had never stopped to think about that it had bothered her more that EJ had slept with Nicole than when she found it Lucas had slept with Chloe. Why was that the case?

Moonlit Wishes
Part XXXVII

Dear Samantha,

I didn't think I would have to resort to getting a court order to ensure that you wouldn't take Johnny out of the mansion, but I knew you were mad at me and after you proclaimed you were leaving with the children I was scared you'd make good on your threat. I was trying my best to get things sorted out myself. There I had hooked up with Nicole and it wasn't any secret that you were very displeased with me when you discovered what we had done.

Well displeased was probably an understatement. I thought you were hurt with me even though you kept saying you didn't care what I did or whom I did it with because you were in love with Lucas. Maybe I just kept hoping you cared when you didn't and I just didn't want to face the reality of the situation.

You assured me not to worry about you and Lucas that you would both work things out just fine and the only reason I had slept with Nicole was to get even with you. Really Samantha you claim I am the egotistical one in this relationship yet there you were stating it was all about you anyway.

In a way it was, although not the way you thought I was hurt, you shunned me so many times, wouldn't face the issues in front of us and ran after Lucas when he so clearly didn't deserve your devotion. What I wouldn't have given for you to have had the same kind of devotion for me because I would done anything in the world for you and the children.

You should have seen the look of disbelief in your eyes when I told you if you removed Johnny from our home, you would be held in contempt of court, that you could risk forfeiting some of your parental rights. I didn't want to make you upset with me but I was going to do everything in my power to keep my family together.

You scoffed at the mansion being any type of home for us that it was depressing and I knew you were lying to me once again. While sometimes it may not have been the most peaceful place we did have our share of good times there too. There were times when it was just us and the twins, playing with them, all of us spending time together, which are still to this day some of my best memories.

You called me a bastard and stated that my DiMera blood was shining through. I guess you thought if you called me enough names or tried to guilt me that I would change my mind and let you take my son away to play some kind of idyllic house with Lucas who clearly didn't want to be with you as much as you had thought.

When I told you I wouldn't be alone, that one day whether it be Nicole or someone else they would have a part in Johnny's life. Clearly that had been the wrong thing to say because you immediately went on the defensive that Nicole wasn't fit to be around children, especially your children.

I hated that this was the start of how we fought over the children. This incessant tug of war concerning who would be the best parent for our children and what type of environment would good for them.

I shouldn't have took out my frustrations upon you, I said some cruel things, like how you wanted to play the victim, how you played both Lucas and I leaving us both to wonder what you were saying had any amount of truth to it at all. I wanted you even though you were hell bent on staying away from me. I loved my son, I loved Allie and god helped me I loved you too, but you didn't want me to love you.

I wished I had a switch that would turn off my love for you because I would have gladly done it to stop the pain of your rejection. I really do believe we could have made it work if you had been willing to let Lucas go and accept he was a part of your past. Stubborn woman that you are, you refused.

I told you not to go there when you brought up my profession of undying love; I just couldn't revisit it with you mocking my feelings. You threw out the hypocrite charge on me which if I hadn't of been mad at you I would have laughed because you my dear are one of the biggest hypocrites I have ever come across.

You told me I couldn't keep you there, which I knew I couldn't so I told you there was the door and you could walk out of it any time you want to, but you were not taking my son. I hated to say it to you. I just wanted you to see that I meant what I said to you. I didn't want you to go, yet I wasn't going to grovel and beg you to stay with me either.

I wanted you to get a reality check and that spurred you on to question my motives saying I'd spent months telling you how much I wanted to be with you and why now all of the sudden would I be willing to let you walk out of my life. You said it didn't seem like me and it wasn't although I'd be damned to let you know differently.

My pride had taken quite a blow and so I needed to build up a wall against you. I wasn't going to beg you to stay because I was quite sure you'd only tell me once more it was Lucas you wanted, never me. He wasn't the man you needed and he wasn't willing to fight for you and your love. He wasn't worthy of you.

I hated that you called me on it, claiming this was all an act. That we needed to be civil about this like that was going to help our situation. I believe your thoughts on us being civil meant I'd let you do whatever you wanted and I was supposed to be ok with your decisions. I just couldn't do it.

When you pulled out the friend card that you wanted us to be friends I almost reconsidered, but I knew you were playing a game with me, using my feelings to get me to do what you wanted me to do. I reminded you of how you had tried to play Lucas concerning Will when he was young and I wasn't going to fall prey to you games.

I threw out that you hated me, hoping against hope you'd deny it, I said you had been acting irrationally and you had some serious anger problems (which by the way I still believe you do, but I'll touch on that another time) and that your bitterness would result in how you felt about Johnny. I know that was completely ridiculous. You would make me mad and then I'd blurt out these terrible hurtful things much like you tended to do because neither one of us wanted the other to get the last word in our disagreements.

You told me not to question your love for Johnny even though you wouldn't say one way or the other how you felt for me. Then you turned it around to it being about Nicole again. I didn't want her, but for god's sake I was tired of begging you to give my crumbs of your precious time all the while you begged Lucas to take you back.

He would have never made you happy and vice versa. Personally I don't care if that little man is ever happy, but I did care about your happiness and I knew he wasn't good for you.

It was clear you didn't want Nicole around Johnny and daresay me too even though you would have never admitted that to me in a million years. I wish I could blame you entirely for driving me to her, but that would be lie. I used her to make you jealous, hoping you would be as jealous of Nicole as I was of the hold Lucas seemed to have over you.

You were furious when I mentioned I might take Johnny to see my mother and Edmund, you swore I wouldn't take our son out of the country. I told you how sad it was that you never let us begin and that it was over between us even though I knew it would never be over. How could I possibly end things with you when I was so head over heels in love with you?

I wasn't going to let you know that I still loved you. I couldn't let you continue to have that kind of power over me, loving you made me weak, something a DiMera shouldn't ever be, I hadn't been brought up to let a woman lead me around. I needed to take charge of my life.

I was ready to be strong against you and your feminine wiles that was until the day we faced being in the hospital lockdown together and somehow my resolution to not fall for your charms was completely obliterated. Do you remember that time we spent together?

Sometimes I wish that day had never happened because it gave me hope for us again. Hope that we would have a future with one another because when you said anything was possible somehow my jaded heart actually believed you.

EJ

Moonlit Wishes
Part XXXVIII

Sami remembered that day well, she and EJ had both been at the hospital, Stefano had awakened and it had brought out a fear in her that mounted with each passing minute thinking of the havoc that monster might inflict upon her family. Stefano was a man she feared above all others.

It mystified her that EJ did not seem to understand her fear of his father. Stefano was evil, pure evil, the things he had done to her family were terrible which made caring about EJ a difficult thing to do which was one reason she had fought so long and hard against him. In her mind the DiMera's equated to all bad things that had happened to her in her life with the exceptions of her children Johnny and Sydney. That EJ was lumped into the bad association wasn't something she could help most times.

She knew Stefano was behind the lock down on the seventh floor of the hospital. She could just sense it while she argued with EJ concerning his father and when EJ suggested that her mother Marlena might have been responsible for his father's condition she had balked over the idea. Given that she found out that yes her mother had indeed injected Stefano with the toxin was something she tried to justify to EJ.

She had told him there was a wrong side and a good side, vaguely suggesting the Brady way was the good side to see things which upon looking back she realized that it was very hypocritical to view things. It was like she had forgotten all the things EJ had done for her family, sacrificing his relationship with his father, turning his back on his heritage.

She just wished she could have made EJ understand that many things frightened her, but Stefano embodied all her deepest and darkest fears. So when the gas was pumped into the air duct system causing them all to react differently it was no wonder she thought she was seeing Stefano instead of EJ.

She ran, trying to get away from Stefano and luckily she had found one door opened to a stairwell. She hid at the stairs, hoping he would leave her alone. Then she heard him calling out to her and she decided she would trip him, reaching for his foot causing him to fall down the stairs.

She was glad, that monster would be dead once and for all, her family would be safe and then when she went over to him she realized she had made a mistake, she hadn't tripped Stefano; she had caused EJ to take a fall instead.

She saw him lying on the floor, unresponsive and she started to shake. She didn't even realize when the tears started to flow as she spoke to EJ begging for him to be all right, that she couldn't live her life without him in it. The words seemed to flow effortlessly from her as her fears of losing him consumed her.

She ripped at the buttons on his shirt, trying to allow him to get air; he needed to be able to breathe. Her hands were touching him, trying to feel for a pulse, some sign of life. She didn't know what she would do without him.

Thankfully when EJ opened his eyes and sought hers out she felt a rush of relief flow through her being she hadn't imagined she could feel. It hit her all at once and then when she was able to get EJ to sit up slowly she felt her heartbeat slow down little by little.

She managed to get him over to a corner, so that he could lean against the wall, his head was hurt from the fall and she was afraid he might have a concussion, all EJ was worried about was if she had meant what she had said.

Really his hearing was too good most of the time, especially when she was scared and revealing way too much of her heart to him while he had been lying there helplessly on the floor. She hadn't wanted to tell him the truth; he didn't need to know she wouldn't know what to do without him in her life.

She did admit it though and answered some tough questions concerning her feelings over Lucas too. EJ thanked her for her honesty and it had felt good when he leant back against the wall and she naturally went into his arms, allowing her guard down.

She had melted into his arms, it was like she fit perfectly and it had comforted her when he kissed the top of her head, whispering everything would be all right. It was like there were just the two of them, no outside forces trying to pull them apart, no family telling her they shouldn't be together, just a secure feeling of warmth and tenderness surrounding them.

At least until she looked up into his eyes and he lifted her chin slightly and their lips touched. Then her world started to spiral again, in that crazy sensual way EJ had over her whenever they kissed. At first it began all innocently, soft grazes of his lips on hers, coaxing her to open up to him and when his lips left hers she groaned in protest. She immediately retracted her annoyance when his fingers threaded into her hair, tugging lightly as his amazingly talented mouth fused onto her neck, causing her to shift slightly wanting more of him and his touches.

She was losing control of everything, of her breathing, she could feel the pool of desire growing and she had no doubt that she would have let him take her right then and there in the stairwell, not caring if anyone saw them. EJ was bringing out a need in her that made her forget why they shouldn't be together, only making her want him like the night they made love and she would have done it too until she felt him pull back slightly from her and he was the one to stop it.

She had felt the disappointment wash over her as soon as he stopped kissing her, touching her. Maybe it had been for the best, she had let her passion take reign and for once it was EJ putting the brakes on, making them not do something either one of them would regret later.

Yes, she had told him anything was possible that day. Too bad from where they were now she didn't really know if it would ever be likely for them to get over the past hurts they had inflicted upon one another since then and it saddened her that it had taken her this long to finally realize it.

Moonlit Wishes
Part XXXIX

Dear Samantha,

After our time together in the stairwell I thought we might could work things out. I mean we still had that connection; it was magic when we touched. I really don't know why I stopped things when I did between us because I wanted you so badly, but I respected you and you deserved far more from me than a quickie in a public stairwell where anyone could find us. I guess somewhere in the far recesses of my mind I was still a gentleman or wanted to be one where you were concerned.

Then I knew you were worried about Lucas trying to take Allie away from you. I was doing all that I could to help ensure that you wouldn't have to face not having your daughter in your life. I loved Allie too. We hadn't had a lot of time to discuss what had happened in the stairwell, we were both focused on trying to keep Allie with you. It was good to know you didn't regret what had taken place between us, but you always managed to avoid us talking about things much deeper.

You had a difficult time accepting the judge granted joint custody of Allie, you didn't want her to go with Lucas. While I was glad you were actually starting to see that Lucas wasn't perfect I still don't know whether it was due to the fact that Lucas was moving on with Chloe or not. The good news for me was you both weren't trying to work things out, which at least gave me some assurance we might be together. I was willing to wait it out, once again because my darling you were so worth the wait. Maybe I should have told you exactly that instead of assuming you knew what was in my heart concerning you.

When I realized you were working on your resume you kind of hesitated in wanting me to see what you had come up with concerning your abilities. I know one thing; you can't accept compliments from me, especially when I told you that you were smart. I just wish you could have seen yourself as I saw you, a woman capable of doing anything she put her mind to if she wanted to do so. I still believe that Samantha. I hope one day you believe it too.

A few weeks later when Nicole told me she was pregnant, I was stunned. I mean don't get me wrong I know how it happens and it was my fault we weren't being responsible that night. I should have used a condom. I didn't know what to think or how to feel. I loved Johnny and I always had hoped one day to have another child, a child with you, not her or anyone else either. So my plans for a future with you were dashed, I needed to do the right thing and thought this might be a sign that I should give up on this pipe dream of us being a family.

So I decided Nicole was my future, she was going to have my child and it was my responsibility to take care of her and our unborn child. It didn't matter that I still loved you. You might care for me, but you weren't making any further steps toward me either. Nicole said she loved me; she wanted to build a life with me, something you clearly had no desire to do with me.

Just so you know all it would have taken is for you to tell me you wanted us to be together and no matter if Nicole had been carrying my child or not I would have moved heaven and earth to be with you. Not that it matters now or I doubt it would have mattered then, but I wanted you to know.

EJ

Sami folded the letter shut, a tear escaping her eye, it was nice to know and it did matter, at least she knew for sure without a doubt. EJ would have been with her if she had given him the chance.