Moonlit Wishes
Part XL
Speaking of being stunned when she found out she was pregnant with EJ's child it was something to render her completely speechless and even more than a bit angry at EJ. He had gotten her pregnant and the twins were barely walking, how in the hell was she going to have another baby? Well it wasn't his entire fault, but still.
Thinking of being responsible she should have asked EJ to use a condom that night because she hadn't been on the pill, her Catholic upbringing was something ingrained in her not to prohibit procreation and apparently she and EJ were very fertile together, I mean they were two for two at this point. What would their record have been if they'd had sex more often? Then again would EJ had used protection, granted he was a Catholic like her, but really did that count since he had admitted he really didn't believe in God? Hadn't he only went to mass when Stefano had decreed they should go as a family?
These profound questions were deep, really deep and she had to get through the rest of these letters before she sat down and thought about the meaning of life, her life with the kids and especially a life with EJ. Then she stopped herself, she didn't have a life with EJ, she was with Rafe or was with him right now, but somehow she couldn't see growing old with Rafe and why hadn't she thought about all of that before now?
Lucas had insisted she go to the hospital when she had fainted, trying to figure out why she was feeling so badly when the doctor told her the impossible. No way could she be pregnant with EJ's baby. Even though it had been a pretty impressive night they shared with one another and she really couldn't remember ever having that many "O" moments at one time, well several times over, their fun had resulted in another life coming into this world.
She shuddered, she was struggling to raise the twins properly, and with the news Dr. Whitaker gave her she was on the way to having her fourth child. Lucas had been no help, telling her he knew exactly when she had gotten pregnant with EJ's baby. She had been so confused; she didn't know what she should do. Stefano would claim this child as the newest DiMera heir and she just couldn't stand the thought of him trying to take her child away from her.
It was all so unfair, she had been ready to get a job, start a new life with the twins and then the doctor dropped the bombshell on her that she had never expected. That she was in her second trimester was even more puzzling, she had guessed her procrastination and avoidance skills were supreme. She had ignored the signs, she wasn't one to keep track of her periods and given the levels of stress in her life that year it was no wonder she wasn't on a regular schedule.
To think Lucas had been the one pressuring her to tell EJ she was having his child was surreal. She had told Lucas it wasn't any of his business, that he had no right calling EJ and telling him that she was at the hospital. She just needed some time to process this information herself without any interference.
When EJ had come into the room, he tried to joke with her and then he got serious, she could tell by the look on his face he was worried about her. He asked her had the doctors done any tests on her and did she know what was wrong. It was almost her undoing when he called her sweetheart.
Just for a moment she thought she could do this, she would tell EJ she was having his baby and let the chips fall where they may. He kept asking her why was she there in the first place. Her conscience was starting to bother her and she told EJ to go away.
Trying to change the subject she has asked EJ what he was doing. He said having dinner. When she asked alone of course he answered no, he was having dinner with Nicole and that made her automatically see red. He was on a date with that two bit whore and there she was knocked up pregnant with his child.
When she yelled at him to leave, to get out of there, that she didn't need him, he told her at least his date had been a hell of a lot more fun than being yelled out by her. She went on a tirade, she was so pissed and looking back now more than a little jealous.
So she made her mind up, she wasn't going to tell him, at least not yet while Stefano was sneaking around, spying on them all, trying to weave his web to ensnare them. So she lied to EJ, told him her blood sugar was low and sent him on his merry way.
At least something good came out of her finding out she was pregnant; she realized Lucas would be there for her as a friend. Even though their time had passed for a relationship they still could be friends and she was grateful for his friendship. For all Lucas had said and done he had told her that she should tell EJ about the baby and that he knew she loved EJ, not him. But she was stubborn; she wasn't going to tell EJ she loved him or that she was carrying his baby because she didn't know where he stood with that tramp Nicole.
It hadn't helped matters that she was dreaming about EJ, damn she had been so screwed up. She should have told him, but she kept putting it off. She kept thinking just one more day, and then I'll tell him. She didn't want EJ to only want to be with her because she was pregnant. She didn't want him by default, she wasn't sure he even cared anymore now that the ho was around him all the time.
Finally she was going to tell him, he needed to know the truth but when she had run into Stefano he had freaked her out telling her how much he was looking forward to her having more heirs. He had creeped her out big time.
She had to protect this child, from the DiMera's and maybe if she hadn't heard Nicole tell EJ she was pregnant she might have told him anyway. But damn him, they were both pregnant. She couldn't tell him, she wouldn't tell him. EJ didn't need the stress and she was upset that Nicole was having his baby too. At first Sami thought Nicole had been lying just to get EJ's money, but it was true she was going to have EJ's baby. All their lives were really screwed up.
It got tougher to lie to EJ, when he wanted to come see Johnny she was in a panic, she was already starting to show and she wasn't sure how much longer the big shirts and sweaters would hide her condition. When EJ came to see her at the Horton cabin, they talked again.
She had tried to be positive, she even told EJ congratulations even though she wasn't happy about Nicole being pregnant. When EJ told her he just needed a friend to talk to, her tears had almost started flowing then. She had missed being EJ's friend too.
When EJ told her the situation was a complete disaster, the sad part was he didn't know how true his words were especially to her because disaster was putting it mildly. EJ said he didn't know if he was going to ask Nicole to marry him.
He had hesitated for a moment and she started on some kind of crazy babbling about fate and how it must mean he and Nicole were meant to be together since they were having a child together. She asked him did he believe in fate and maybe she shouldn't have because his answer really got to her.
She could hear his voice so plainly, usually EJ was strong, resourceful, always knew what he wanted, but his voice got soft, almost cracking with a slight hesitation and the look upon his face was utterly heartbreaking to her.
"I just always thought that maybe, you know, you and I were..."
She had cut him off before he could finish, surely he couldn't believe they were meant to be together, that fate was meant for them instead of he and Nicole. She said she was tired from looking after the twins that she might go lay down with them and rest while they were taking their nap, hoping he would go before she broke down in front of him.
So he thanked her for their talk and kissed her on the top of her head, oh how she had wanted to reach up to him, but how could she explain that she hadn't told him she was pregnant? It was for the best, he was confused enough about Nicole and she didn't need to add to his problems. Maybe fate and destiny were just words, surely she and EJ weren't meant to be together because Nicole was having his baby too.
She didn't tell him, she let the opportunity pass by her one more. She had thought they would all be better off this way. If she had only known then what she knew now, she would have told him everything, she would have told him she was having his child too.
Moonlit Wishes
Part XLI
Sami thought about when she almost changed her mind going to the mansion to talk to EJ about their baby. It was the right thing to do and it was past time she told EJ the truth. She never knew going by the mansion that afternoon would drastically change the course of her life, of all of their lives.
It had seemed like forever that she was knocking on the door with no answer. She knew EJ had to be there, his car was in the driveway. So she walked around the side of the house, but when she got there she saw a sight through the living door windows that literally broke her heart.
EJ and Nicole were in there just sexing it up and it made her want to throw up, no wonder he wasn't answering the door because that skanky ho Nicole was all over EJ. Maybe it was a sign she shouldn't be there and that she shouldn't say a word to EJ.
When she walked back to the front door of the mansion, her mind all in the whirl of emotions, she had never expected to come face to face with a cold blooded killer. She saw the lifeless body of Mayor Moreno on the DiMera front doorstep and stared into the eyes of a man who looked surprised to see her and then something else, he looked like he could kill her too.
Thank goodness she had been carrying that huge pocketbook with her, something she had been using as a prop to help camouflage her pregnancy because she took that pocketbook and whacked him as hard as she possibly could allowing her an escape.
The fear consumed her and she screamed causing that maniac to run and how she hated it when EJ and Nicole confronted her asking what was wrong. Really lots of things were wrong there was a freaking dead man on the doorstep for starters, not to mention how embarrassed she was when Nicole started yelling at her, calling her all kinds of names like she was some kind of peeping tom.
It hadn't been that way, she hadn't had a good afternoon seeing the man she cared about, the one whose child she was carrying making out with the town slut and then being a witness to a murder. She was scared, scared to death. She didn't want this kind of life for her children or herself.
Things just kept getting worse, really the only funny thing of the entire afternoon had been seeing Nicole trip over the mayor's lifeless body, that was what that tramp got for accusing her of making up something just to get EJ's attention. Nicole was just a bitch, plain and simple, one that didn't care about people in general, one that Sami wasn't certain she loved EJ liked she claimed to do with her miracle baby.
Sami wished now she hadn't let her anger over Nicole being in EJ life along with her insecurities about EJ's feelings for her get in the way, so many missed opportunities to tell him the truth and she let them slip by until she made that final decision not to tell him right before she headed into the witness protection program.
A decision that started a course of action for things she never would have dreamed of being possible. Oh how she wished she had told EJ the truth.
Moonlit Wishes
Part XLII
Dear Samantha,
I knew something was wrong. I could feel it when you looked at me, the times we tried to talk with one another and we were interrupted, words you would say then stop before you finished and to this day I blame myself for being so oblivious to exactly what was going on with you.
It was a difficult situation all around, Nicole was pregnant living at the mansion, you were at the Horton cabin which absolutely made no sense to me and I felt a fear for your life when we realized the mayor's killer was after you too. The night I went to the cabin to talk to you after Mayor Moreno was shot I should have done things differently.
The way you freaked out when I pulled you down to the floor when the shot was fired into that cabin I should have known something right then, but I passed it off as hysteria from you. Sometimes you did go off the deep end emotionally, I know you will argue with me on that point, but it is true.
After your parents came to the cabin along with the police I wasn't expecting for Roman to suggest you go into the witness protection program, I could protect you, take care of you, I never would have let anything happen to you. I loved you, Johnny and Allie more than my life itself, and I wanted to be the one you needed to keep all the bad things away.
Too bad you considered me to be a part of the bad things in your life; I never wanted to be considered bad although looking back now I did things you would of course put into that category. I argued with you all about you going into hiding. You were all against me, I wonder if your parents would have wanted you to go if they knew the main reason you agreed to go was the keep the biggest secret in your life away from me.
I should have known when my infant son touched your stomach and said baby that you were pregnant. The way you instantly looked like a deer caught in the headlights of a car and you started acted shifty was a sure tell-tell sign, yet you explained it away as if I were a simpleton and I guess in a way I was because I believed your explanation.
It broke my heart to see you with the children, you were bravely trying to say goodbye to them and it took all that I had in me not to break down in tears before you and beg you to come back to the mansion with me. I know you wouldn't have done so, your pride would have prevented you from ever stepping back into the mansion while Nicole was staying there with me, but I was desperate to keep you from going just like you were desperate to find a way out of the situation.
I had no clue of how desperate you were to keep your secret from me. It never crossed my mind that you going into witness protection was a way out for you. Then I actually thought I was doing the right thing by you and Nicole calling you to let you know I was moving on, letting you go. Father had suggested the reason I wasn't bonding with Nicole and the baby was because a part of me still held on to the belief that we would be a family.
I never would have called you to tell you that I was moving on with Nicole if I had any inkling you were carrying my child, our baby. You asked me if I loved her and after hesitating I said yes I did, but you know my heart was still so wrapped up in you I had to do something to break the chains you held on me and I thought moving on with Nicole was the answer. Karma is indeed a cruel bitch, isn't it my dear?
I thought I was doing what was best for us all. I never would have in a million years guessed you were carrying my child. Back then though I still believed in you, I had no reason to do otherwise, did I?
EJ
Moonlit Wishes
Part XLIII
Sami winced, EJ used to believe in her, he had trusted her with his heart and yet she had lied to him or rather as she had liked to believe not told him the entire truth, thinking that by omission of actually telling EJ about being pregnant it was not really lying per se. Well she knew better now didn't she? Or sometimes she wondered if she would ever know better.
She could only imagine what was in store for her when the twins and Sydney were older, how would she react when her own children lied to her? Will for the most part didn't lie unless it was to protect her which technically didn't count in her book although EJ might have a different view on that subject. He and Will had sometimes been at cross purposes especially this past year and she wondered if they would ever mend fences between one another again.
Thinking back to the past though, if she had just been honest with EJ, Nicole would have never been able to steal her baby from her, replacing it with Mia's newborn child and allowing her to believe Grace had been her baby while she had taken Sydney to raise for her own child. Her lies had all caused everything to be set into motion by that bitch Nicole.
She paused for a moment, she did have some compassion for the woman, while she hated it that Nicole had lost her baby which of course had made her all the more whacko, Nicole had no right to do what she had done to them all. Then that nagging voice inside her head reminded her of the countless teachings of her youth on the costs of original sin and she just wanted to push that annoying reminder out of her head like she had tried to do for so long.
She thought back to all the months in the safe house, months she had been pregnant, worrying about what was going to happen to the unborn child she and EJ had made together, some days thinking she was doing the right thing, other days doubting about the decision she had made not to tell EJ she was carrying his child.
When she had gone into labor, it was unexpected, Rafe wasn't anywhere to be found and the only person she had with her was Sister Teresa from the Holy Cross Convent. Finally she had convinced the nun she needed to go to the hospital, to see a doctor, find a clinic, something and luckily Sister Teresa had found a card for a Dr. Baker that a woman who had been visiting the convent had left for her.
She grunted in disgust, that woman had been a devil in disguise, sometimes she wondered if Nicole had indeed made a deal with Satan himself. How her timing could had been more perfect with both Mia and herself going into labor on the same day, same time? It was almost like Nicole had gotten a voodoo ritual performed for her by Celeste, but she doubted Celeste could stand Nicole any better than she could herself.
She had called out to God questioning why He was letting this all happen to her while she was in labor. Sister Teresa had chastised her and instantly she was ashamed, she needed to focus her concentration on her child. She was scared that something would be wrong with her baby given all her lies about the entire situation.
The pain had been unreal, even with the twins it had been easier than when she had Grace, no she stopped herself when Sydney had been born. Why hadn't she been able to tell that Dr. Baker had given her the wrong baby?
She hadn't been thinking clearly, worried over the baby's birth, thinking the killer might find them or even worse the DiMera's because how could she had ever explained to EJ she had his baby without his knowledge? She really had woven a tangled web all the while thinking she had been doing what was best for her baby, always pushing aside EJ's right to know about his own child.
Rafe had been her friend and somehow they had become more over time after EJ had called her to let her know he was moving on with his life. When she had first met him she instantly disliked him, he was so annoying, but later on she had come to appreciate him. He had taken care of her, listened to her rant and rave usually about EJ and the DiMera's in general and somehow they ended up being friends and then something more developed.
She had been so lonely, no family, no friends (well who was she kidding she had no close friends, not after she and EJ had ended their friendship) and maybe looking back at it now she might have jumped into her relationship with Rafe. She shook her head, what was she thinking? Why was she second guessing all her motives now?
Those long, lonely months now all seemed like a bad dream to her, and maybe she should have chosen to do things differently, but it was too late now. She had made her mind up and Rafe had agreed with her, even encouraged her to keep this terrible secret from the father of her baby. Everyone was better off not knowing EJ was the father or that was what she had thought until she had come back to Salem.
Moonlit Wishes
Part XLIV
Dear Samantha,
The months when you were away from Salem were hard for me. I had tried my best to move on with Nicole and then something would remind me of you, your laugh, your smile, the way your eyes lit up when you were happy. Most of the day's things were all right, I could keep your memory at bay, and then at night it would hit me.
I still missed you and even though you weren't physically present with me you somehow managed to show up in my dreams. There though most times you wanted to be with me, and it almost made me dread going to sleep at night because I knew in those first few minutes between slumber and waking I thought you were with me. That somehow magically I would awaken to find you beside me.
Sadly though those dreams never came true, you weren't there and I was doing my best to keep your promise of having Johnny see Allie as much as possible along with keeping your memory fresh in our little boy's mind. Each night I would have your picture with me and I would tell Johnny how much you loved and cared for him, that one day you would be home again. Johnny kissed your picture before he went to sleep so you always were in his heart and mind.
I would tell him bedtime stories, it became the favorite part of my day, because just for a little while I could pretend we were all a family, that you were somewhere down the hallway, and I wove such fantastical tales for Johnny. He really is smart and each day he would learn something new and it would make me proud and then sad too because you weren't there to see it all with me.
Between missing you and dealing with Nicole I failed to see all the lies she wove about her own pregnancy. I guess some part of me couldn't believe she could come up with something so maniacal after she lost our child. I mean she played the part of being pregnant to the hilt. The stage lost a great thespian in her because no one ever guessed she wasn't pregnant anymore, least of all me.
Maybe I had wanted a family too badly, I felt the loss of you presence daily, especially when I looked into the eyes of our sweet baby boy. I wanted so many things back then, but I learned the hard way that you can't always get what you want.
Who knows what might have happened if Nicole hadn't lost our baby. I think a part of her died when our daughter died, the part of Nicole that was good. I know you don't think she had any good in her, but I guess we all have some good in us, whether it is hidden deep down inside or overflowing for all to see. Of course I would fall into the deep down inside category and you my dear possibly somewhere in between eh?
I can't say I understand what she did, she never let me in on her pain, only Brady knew the truth of what happened when she miscarried, although he should have never went along with her plan to fool me into thinking she was still pregnant. I know he is your step brother, but he played a huge role in the baby swap for all of his claims that he was unknowing about Nicole switching the babies at birth. And you wonder why I don't care that much for him. Brady has a share of the blame in this as well, although I know he will never admit as much to me.
I can say from the moment I saw Sydney I was smitten, our daughter was and is so very beautiful and she brought a joy into my soul just like Johnny had done. So while Nicole was so very wrong in taking her from you, I am grateful that I had my time with Sydney from the very start which wouldn't have been the case if your plan to keep her from me had come to fruition. It's rather a much Catch-22 don't you think?
Nicole played us all in her own crazed fashion, even though she must have lived each day in torment wondering when and if her grand charade was going to come to an end. No wonder she actually wanted to be a DiMera she knew how to play the game and play it well.
I should have seen the signs from both of you, although I could tell something was different about you when you returned to Salem I couldn't quite place my finger on it. I thought maybe you were growing up some, as was I, but that wasn't the case now was it?
I will say I was happy to see you again and the instant I saw your lovely face it hit me like a ton of bricks, I may have made a decision to move on with my life with Nicole, yet my heart still would skip a beat whenever you were in a room. It was the absolute truth when I told you years earlier that when you walked into a room every other woman faded into the background because that is the way I always perceived you.
While you claimed you would never be a true DiMera, you were my darling whether you realized it or not because you played us all when you brought Grace to Salem. You Samantha Gene Brady are a true DiMera in every sense of the word.
EJ
Moonlit Wishes
Part XLV
Sami threw the letter down on the floor, she was not a DiMera, and she wasn't a part of that crazy dysfunctional family of criminals no matter EJ said, just because he said it didn't make it so. She rolled her eyes, she sounded like the twins arguing over who was better boys or girls. Oh if she could see EJ right now she'd give him a piece of her mind, she was a Brady through and through.
Wait, she called herself Brady, not Hernandez, well it was just that EJ had written her maiden name out in that letter instead of her latest married one. Then again if EJ had written out all of her married names it would make for one hell of a long last name Samantha Gene Brady, Reed, Walker, Roberts/Horton, DiMera, Hernandez.
Damn EJ he knew how to get her goat even now, or maybe that was the problem, he always knew what would get under her skin, and his astute observations of her character were many times less than stellar. Then again he wasn't a paragon of virtue either. She smiled thinking EJ DiMera wasn't the only one who knew big words or lofty ideas.
What was she doing, she was pumping herself up thinking of what she would say to EJ when she saw him and he was nowhere in sight, all she had was these damnable letters, ones that at times had been sweet yet she knew in her heart if she continued reading there were some things EJ was probably going to touch upon that she wasn't sure if she could handle.
Could she leave now and forget the rest of them? She looked at the unopened stack and she knew she wasn't going to leave here until she had read every last letter from him. It was like she was finally getting a glimpse into EJ's heart and soul and it kind of frightened her that he had seen her so clearly yet he had still hung on waiting for her or he had waited for her longer than anyone else cared to try whenever things concerned her.
How could he remember such little things no one else could about her? How could he go from saying she was so beautiful to that she was a liar and somehow he never had shied away from her even when he caught her in her lies?
Lying about Grace had been huge, the biggest lie she had ever concocted in her entire existence and that was saying a lot. She hadn't gotten to be the anti-Brady for nothing. The list of things she had done wrong to others was a long one indeed, but she had carefully tried to be a good girl now, one people could love and respect like they did Carrie and Belle.
Maybe that was one reason she had chosen to be with Rafe, he gave her respectability, he reminded her of her own father, a man people would look up to and if she was with Rafe, people would begin to respect her too. Her family had never wanted her to be with EJ, well her mother had finally come around after EJ had revealed that John was alive, but really and truly her father had never accepted her decision to marry EJ.
But a nagging thought popped into her mind, one she tried her best to ignore most times if it ever came up and that was if Rafe was such a good guy why had he encouraged her not to tell EJ he was the father of her child and came up with a plan to adopt Grace as if he were her father instead? Maybe if she had just been honest with EJ he would have been upset with her for not telling him sooner, but he would have forgiven her.
Had she been honest with herself and EJ, they might not have gone through that hellish year. That year she had learned the cost of keeping secrets and they had both paid dearly.
With shaking hands she took the next few letters out of the stack, she doubted there would be words of beauty or praise for her amongst these remaining ones, but she had come this far she was going to see it through to the end. So she opened the next letter and began to read.