A/N: Okay so today I learned that from starting tomorrow my stressful two weeks will even be more stressful than I had thought. I have an extra practical course that will take up the whole day and requires a shitload of extra work, part of which I definitely will have to do over Christmas. I'm not sure if i get to write at all but I try to keep updates as steady as possible. If there's a break for longer than usual, don''t worry, then my work has just gotten over my head and I'm drowning in crappy protocols over weird bacteria sex or something.
But it will be over in two weeks. (I hope) Have fun with this chapter, enjoy it as long as you can because I don't know when the next will be up. I love all of you my dear readers, you keep me going despite all the stress that writing sometimes causes me 3
A rush of warmth to my cheeks followed Mathias' words and I looked down to hide my blush. It truly had been too long since the last time we had intimate contact, that only some dirty words were enough to arouse me like this. Or maybe I had just gotten so used to Mathias holding true to his words that I knew far too well what to expect from his huskily whispered promises. But this was neither the right place nor time for that.
I sighed and smacked Mathias lightly on the head, it was more a teasing gesture than an expression of anger or annoyance and Mathias only grinned, pleased with the flustered reaction he had elicited. He knew as well as I did that we had other priorities at the moment than to satisfy our needs. But that didn't stop him from teasing me from time to time, to remind me what exactly was waiting for me once we got home. For now our priority was to get there though, and also a long needed conversation between Mathias and I was in need too, something we had edged around for the longest time now.
"Mathias…" I started unsure how to express what was floating through my mind. It shouldn't be that hard, I just had a talk with my brother about a similar topic so by all means this should be easy. "What is it babe?" Mathias grinned at me; I could never fathom how he could always be so carefree and easygoing. He never seemed affected by all the drama that was going on around him.
Oh how I envied him sometimes.
"You love me right?" I asked without really thinking. The moment it was out I wished I could take back that silly question, but I couldn't undo what was done. I shouldn't feel the need to ask that question. Mathias looked at me in surprise, than he put his grin back on and put his arm around my shoulder. "Of course I do, more than anything else in this world. You should know that by now, don't you?" His grin dropped little as Mathias' voice grew more and more serious. This was not something that should need constant reassurance, and I could tell that he was worried.
I smiled weakly. "I know that, it's just that…" I trailed off, once again at a loss of words. "It's okay, you can tell me." Mathias' hand caressed my shoulder soothingly; his warmth was comforting in a way, and I took a deep breath to calm myself, there was no need to be nervous.
"When we were separated I realized something." I began, carefully choosing my words as not to cause a misunderstanding. "I was afraid that I would never see you again and all I could think about was that I never have properly told you just how much you mean to me." I could hear Mathias suck in his breath in surprise, he hadn't expected those words, and I dared to look up at him only to see him smile at me with such warmth and love at me that it made my heart flow over with emotions.
Of course he loved me; it was indeed a foolish question of me to ask. But the answer had been worth it.
"You don't have to tell me that, I know that you love me." Mathias said as he reached out his hand to gently caress my cheek. His fingers were cold against my bare skin but still the contact made my heart flutter. At this point everything was cold; the chill of oncoming winter had taken over. "But I feel like I should tell you this." I insisted, "You do it all the time, and all you ever get in return is a snarky reply." I suddenly felt the need to hug Mathias as close as possible, but since we were still walking that would prove to be a bit difficult, so instead I pressed my head against Mathias' shoulder and took his hands in mine to share what little warmth was left to both of us. I wanted nothing more than to cuddle with Mathias under a thick pile of blankets before a merrily burning hearth fire and drink scalding hot mead to dispel the last remain of cold.
But this had to do for now, so I took up our hands to blow on them, before I rubbed our fingers together in an attempt to bring back the life into them. My throat was still sore and my chest a bit tight, but I ignored it, and since I hadn't had to cough for a while I figured that I was okay. I just wished it wouldn't be so cold.
Mathias chuckled lightly and ruffled my hair in an affectionate gesture, but he gladly returned his hand to my care after that, not even Mathias and his hot headedness were immune to the bite of winter's air. We should try to get our hands on some pair of gloves as soon as possible; it would only get colder and I didn't fancy the thought of losing my fingers to frostbite. "Don't worry; I know what you feel underneath your snarky behavior and truth be told I like that about you. It wouldn't be you if you wouldn't act like that and I love that part about you as much as I love anything else." A warm smile replaced Mathias' trademark grin as he looked down to me.
It never ceased to surprise me just how deep Mathias' love for me was, and that even though when we met I had been nothing more than a common whore, he still looked upon me with true adoration. I doubted that I would have been able to love Mathias, if I had met him in a brothel as a whore and after he had been violated by some other guy. I simply wasn't that strong. It was inarguable that meeting Mathias was the best thing that could have happened to me, and sometimes the extent of love I felt for him was too much so that it almost hurt. But I would never give him up.
Although there was always that small voice in the back of my head that questioned how it could be me that Mathias chose out of all the potential partners he surely could have chosen he took me, an insignificant son of a peasant's family who had been tarnished already. There was nothing special about me and still Mathias had fallen for me, Mathias the heir to a rich and noble family who could have had a partner far better suited than I could ever be.
And I had a major flaw that was especially important in his social rank, I couldn't bear children. Mathias didn't seem to care about that and even if he wanted to have children we could always adopt one, there were plenty of homeless kids in orphanages, who would be thankful for a new home. But somehow I doubted that a practice like that was accepted among people of his social status. And I wasn't sure if his father would agree to our relationship, so far his father had only met me as a 'friend', but since Mathias had met me in a brothel and then brought me home from there, his father had probably figured out the rest.
But I could have been nothing more than a short affair for all he knew, and since it was not uncommon for higher class people to have male lovers, they usually always ended up with marrying women. They had to keep the lineage alive after all. Mathias would never do that though, I was sure of that. He loved me too much than to marry someone else, even if it was just for show. But with what other options did that leave us?
Neither of us would give up the other, and if society didn't accept us what would we do? I wondered how Berwald and Tino handled that, maybe I should just ask Tino, he would surely tell me. I couldn't shake the feeling though, that Berwald simply didn't care about such matters, but since I didn't really know how his relationship with his family was; I couldn't say how that worked out for him.
Mathias had watched me throughout my thought process, he was curious but he kept silent in order to let me finish my thoughts in peace. I sighed inwardly; I didn't need to bother with asking Tino, I could just talk to Mathias himself, he was after all as interested in a solution as I was, or rather he should be. I had this tendency to make things more complicated than necessary.
"Mathias, I know this is kind of sudden, but have you ever thought of the future? I mean, what we will do when we finally got out of this all?" The words sounded crappy, even in my opinion, but I just couldn't think of anything better. A slight frown showed upon Mathias' face as he thought over my question. He answered then with a shrug; "Not really, I always assumed that we figure it out once we get there." I resisted the urge to snort; that was so typical of Mathias, living without a care in the world. But I had to admit I envied him for that. Still, I was a bit disappointed that I was the only one who worried about our relationship.
"Lukas, I know everything about the future that I need to know, and that is that I will be living together with you. That is really all that matters." Mathias said, as if he had picked up on my uneasiness. An incredible warm feeling floated through me, dispelling every doubt I might have had and warming me up even up my cold limbs, dispelling the chill that had settled there, and I felt a smile tug at my lips. "But what about your father?" I asked, albeit I couldn't imagine at this moment that anyone would be able to tear us apart, not after that statement of Mathias that had been so simple yet so full of meaning.
"You are all that matters in my life, as my father he should understand that. And if not… well I won't give you up, not even if he disinherits me." It was weird how a few simple words from Mathias had made everything seem so easy suddenly, the weight of my worries was lifted from me and I felt as if we could weather everything if we just stayed together. SI felt foolish all of a sudden for being such a worrywart.
Maybe the saying 'love can conquer all' was true; at least it felt like it right now.
"I'm sure we will be fine, we have been through so much already, my father can't match up to any of that, although he can be a bit scary if angered." Mathias said lightheartedly and placed a quick kiss on my temple. "But no matter what he'll do, I will always be with you okay? So don't worry. I love you, and that will never change."
I smiled again, the motion threatened to become a permanent occurrence, but it was almost impossible not to smile. And it wasn't bad to show some emotion once in a while, was it? "I love you too, Mathias." I replied, tiptoeing to place a kiss on Mathias lip.
"Since you have put so much thought into our future, what do you think of becoming my wife?" Mathias asked lightly, as if what he had just proposed was not the most ridiculous idea I had ever heard. Well to be honest, I couldn't dismiss the idea of marriage entirely, being united with Mathias sounded promising, but I would never under no circumstances accept to be the wife.
I sputtered a bit before I was finally able to form coherent sentences again; Mathias just had caught me completely off guard. My face was burning hot with embarrassment and I was close to ramming my elbow into Mathias' side, but I thought better of it and instead chose to grumble something unintelligible.
"You don't want to be my wife?" Mathias asked with fake hurt, even going as far as to blink at me with big puppy eyes. "My mother always told me not to marry an idiot." I answered with a dull voice. I couldn't help it, it was simply too easy and too much fun to tease Mathias. And he would never stay mad at me, no matter what.
"So tell me then, fair maiden, what shall this poor idiot do to win your favor?" Mathias struck a pose, his voice loud enough to draw the attention of the others, but they soon came to the conclusion that whatever the tall blonde was up to was not worth their time, so they returned to their individual conversations. I was torn between the urge to cover my face with my palm and the want to play along.
"I will battle mighty beasts and brave every trial you demand from me, but please tell me my beautiful flower what can I do to move your heart?" I decided then that it wouldn't hurt to humor him, so I mimicked a thoughtful pose and looked Mathias up and down as if I wanted to evaluate him.
"You seem like a fine specimen." I mused aloud, trailing my eyes over Mathias' body and lingering a bit longer than necessary on his nether regions. "But I shall test that with my own eyes and body." I continued, licking my lips provocatively. Mathias cheeks flushed a bright red immediately and he grinned once more, eying me now hungrily. "And what exactly should my task be?"
"To please me of course." I tossed my hair back with a gesture I had seen some of the girls back in the brothel use, I had never quite understood what the point of that was, but it always pleased their customers.
Mathias chuckled again and kissed the top of my head, "Oh and how I will please you." He grinned into my hair, content with the direction of our conversation. But I remembered what had gotten this all started and I was not willing to let it go so easily. "Mathias," I said sternly, "I won't be your wife. I'm not a woman and I won't be addressed as one. But if you're okay with that, I'll be your husband as you will be mine." I held his gaze, keeping my face straight and unwavering, it might seem petty, but I wasn't willing to degrade myself like that. I had spent too much time in a brothel, surrounded by women who had no choice but to surrender to men in order to survive that I would let something like that happen to me again.
Mathias wrapped his arm around me, the warming feeling had worn off and we both felt the cold again, so I accepted gladly the heat of his embrace. "That's okay Lukas, all I want is you, and I don't care how you name it. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, if we live as the Lords of Kohler or as two poor peasants, I don't care, as long as I have you by my side." I smiled and cuddled closer to Mathias, we were far from being safe, but I was happy right now, my body was still aching and I had a lingering cough that needed treatment, but I was sure that we would make it and everyone would be safe in the end. And we were surrounded by family and friends, who looked out for each other, who took care of each other and if I felt like there was nothing more that I could want from life.
Yes, I was truly happy now.
We continued to follow Berwald along the woodland path, but after a while it became apparent that he was struggling. His steps became unsteady and he had to rely more and more on Tino for support. So after he stumbled and almost fell over a small tree root poking out of the dirt, Mathias called for a halt.
Berwald was sweating heavily even in this cold and his eyes were glassy and unfocused. Tino was close to a panic attack, he had of course noticed his lover's condition but Berwald had forbidden him to say anything because he didn't want to be a burden. Such a thought was clearly ridiculous, no one would have thought of Berwald as a burden, but Berwalds feverish mind had conjured the fear nonetheless. And suddenly just like that all the joy and lightheartedness of the moment was gone, swapped with the lingering sense of dread and that yet again something was wrong.
Mathias and Francis helped Berwald to sit down on an old log that stemmed from a tree that had fallen over a long time ago, clearing away the moss as best as possible, before Emil coaxed him to drink a bit of water. I didn't like the way the sweat pooled on Berwalds face at all, it was too cold to be sweating like that and there was a distinct glaze over his eyes. Arthur carefully peeled of the uniform jacket before he unwrapped the bandage that was clear of any blood, a good sign at least.
"Oh no." Arthur's voice sounded terrible, causing a rush of cold to run through my veins. "What? What is it?" I had led Tino a few steps aside to calm him down and leave the others some space to treat Berwald, but Arthur's words had upset him even more so he clung to me and gasped for air.
I tried to peek over Arthur's shoulder to get a look at the wound, but when I did, a sick feeling settled in my stomach, dispersing all the warmth and comfort that had resided there until now. A thin dark red line stretched from the wound towards Berwalds heart, it was short, only the length of the first joint of my little finger, but it was nonetheless dangerous.
Blood poisoning.
...