Moonlit Wishes Chapter 9, a days of our lives fanfic

Moonlit Wishes
Part XLVI

Dearest Samantha,

I can tell you one thing with a certainty from the moment I met Agent Hernandez I knew one thing for sure, he was without a doubt the most self-righteous jackass I had ever had the misfortune to come across in this life. I despised him from the start. At least with Lucas it was a bit of fun coming up with new names to harass him, with Rafe well he had no sense of humor at all.

I never have understood what you saw in him. He was crass and a total bore, I mean watching paint dry would be more entertaining than trying to carry on a conversation with your so called Mr. Isn't He a Wonderful Hero? Blah, blah, blah…

Of course his smugness must have been one of the things that attracted you to him in the first place. He sure could give the Brady's a run for their money in the hypocrisy market and that my dear is saying a lot. The man had no class, upbringing or anything worthwhile to offer you or the children yet you thought he was like the second coming of Christ.

Was it because I was with Nicole that you chose to be with him or was it just to piss me off? Either way I didn't like him and he sure as hell didn't like me, but that was of little consequence to me or at least I thought it wasn't. He was just some little man trying to gain power from his badge because he sure couldn't garner it from the life he had led so far.

Once again, how well did you actually know the man? I can't find one good redeeming quality about him as I search my mind. You deserved so much better than that working class average Joe who apparently thought plaid and leather jackets were quite the epitome of style.

Seriously, plaid is not flattering on hardly anyone, not even if you are three sheets to the wind drunk, it just isn't. Looking like a lumberjack doesn't do much for most people unless they are still living in the 90's grunge era. Oh enough of my what not to wear advice for one day surely you know all of this only too well yourself.

As for us, I think we began to renew our friendship with one another after you returned home or at least I thought we were given the circumstances. You couldn't stand Nicole and I didn't like Rafe, but if we were ever alone, just you and me or us with the children I felt like we were finding some kind of common ground between us.

We could actually joke and smile that is when you weren't trying to read me the riot act after I went to your father suggesting that your former bodyguard shouldn't be so close to you now after you were back home where you belonged. Whether you believe me or not I still think it was a huge conflict of interest where he crossed the line from this being his job for the FBI to trying hook up with the woman whose case he was assigned to handle.

I know you don't like the term hook up, although you can put pretty posies all around it and it still comes off seeming that way, much like how my elevator tryst with Nicole was purely physical rather than something special we shared with one another. Looking back now it all appears to be so tawdry and you shared your disgust with me very candidly that you couldn't believe I had sex with her in an elevator of all places.

I tried my best to keep the peace between you and Nicole, there were a lot of bad feelings between the two of you and that was putting it mildly. Somehow though when you were back I was drawn to you no matter how much I stated I was with Nicole and fully intended to marry her. She wanted to be my wife and have a family with me, something you clearly stated time and time again that you did not have any desire to do so.

I know one thing Nicole was adamant about was she didn't want you anywhere near Sydney, this should have been a huge red flag for both of us, yet I think you just attributed it to Nicole being a bitch as you so loved to call her among other special adjectives you ascribed for her and I merely thought she was just being overprotective of our daughter. Guess she was trying desperately to keep actual mother and daughter from connecting beyond what you did the few times you got to hold Sydney.

The first time you saw Sydney you cried and I was puzzled, then though I had no clue about Grace's existence and I believe now there was something instinctual inside you while you were holding your own flesh and blood. From the start I felt a strong bond with Sydney because she was my daughter with you even though we had both been tricked into believing Sydney belonged to Nicole and me.

The day of Sydney's christening was another time I should have listened to my heart because when I let you take her from me after she spit up on my suit, she just melded into your arms perfectly like she was your own child. Seeing you with Sydney along with me had just felt right, like it was meant to be that day, the three of us celebrating her christening instead of Nicole.

Despite Nicole's protests to the contrary I willingly let you into Sydney's life; I just wish you had afforded me the same luxury concerning Grace. Then again there were lots of things I wish you had done differently, yet you were determined to keep what you thought from me was my daughter with you.

When I overheard you speaking on your cell phone saying you were bringing your baby Grace home at first I thought I had misheard what you were saying. When I asked you about it, you immediately went on the defensive especially when my father, brother and fiancé came into the room. You wanted them out of there if we were going to have a discussion which of course none of them left leaving you to come up with some kind of plausible excuse as to why you would be adopting a child when you already had two small children.

I thought it was ludicrous, I mean really you were going to have your hands full with the twins and you were actually considering taking on responsibility for another child. The lie you told of meeting another woman while you were away and that she abandoned her child and while you were missing your own children so very much you fell in love with this little girl and swore if you found your way back to your family you would find a way to take this baby with you.

It sounded suspicious then, but my darling when you have your back up against the wall you can be very convincing when you want to be. The lies just rolled off your tongue like silk, you are a smooth liar, a trait I rather admired in you until months later I realized you had lied to me with a lie so terrible that it wrecked my belief in you, the one person I loved more than anyone in this world beyond my children.

The anger that shown in your eyes when I dare to ask you what about your children, didn't you care about them at all before you made such a decision only resulting in my getting a very hard slap in the face from you. You are quite the violent creature when you want to be and I know I bring out the worse in you, as you do in me.

You were upset stating how dare I question you of your love for your children when you had never even brought up that I might love Sydney more than Johnny which of course was just another tactic for you to try and make me feel guilty for even asking you the question in the first place. When I tried to talk reasonably with you it only made things worse. Instead of hoping you would see how difficult it would be for you with a teenager and two toddlers my words only made your more determined than ever that you could make it on your own raising the kids without any kind of help.

Too bad I didn't realize at the time that Rafe was more than willing to step into the role of fatherhood, hell he wanted to be the father of all of your children, mine and Lucas' yet you never hesitated in letting him into their lives. You were going to let that bastard adopt my child without my knowledge. What a fool I was worried about your well being when you sure didn't give a damn about mine.

I tried to make you see that the father could come back into the child's life after you had bonded with this baby and that made you go off even more on me claiming I didn't care about you when you know I did, I cared more than I should, believed in you when I shouldn't have and your actions about having my child are something to this day I still try to make sense of and it just breaks my heart all over again when I do recall those times.

I know I was a DiMera, I know you hated my father, but I loved you and loved those children with a love I never knew existed until the moment I met you. Why was I considered beneath you when if you had let me into your heart I could have shown you a world unlike any you or I had ever known if you had only told the truth.

You brought up again that I was the one who called you while you were in witness protection program proclaiming that I was moving on with my life and you reminded me to move on that we had nothing between us anymore beyond Johnny. You were in tears when you said it and once again I wished I had not called to tell you that, you had deserved more than a mere phone call, but then again if I had seen you how could you have explained you were pregnant with my child. It was definitely a tangled web you wove for all of us, yet I was the one feeling guilty. Did you feel guilty about your role in this entire debacle?

Your lies started a chain reaction between us that once it started there was no way to stop it and it is still going on to this very day. I know I have done bad things, terrible things in my life, but you have too. At least I am finally willing to own up to my mistakes concerning the both of us and our family, are you?

Moonlit Wishes
Part XLVII

It was getting darker in the room and Sami knew she would need to find a light source soon or she wouldn't be able to finish the letters and that little voice inside her that she constantly loved to argue with was telling her not to leave before she was done. This time she and her little voice were in one accord, Sami didn't want to leave either, the few letters left had to provide her with the answer for EJ agreeing to give up custody of Sydney and Johnny, for her to find some kind of answer as to why he was doing what she had asked of him.

Maybe she should try to find a switch to see if a light would come on. The last time she had been in this house with EJ had been no electricity so what made her think now there would be, but when she looked over to the roll top desk where EJ apparently had written these letters to her, she didn't see candles scattered all about so he must have had some other light by which to write the letters and from the amount of them she had already read and the ones left she knew this had taken quite some time on his part.

After that day on the pier when Johnny told EJ he didn't love him she hadn't seen him once and that was over three days ago, not that she was counting or anything, but she had been curious over why he hadn't tried to contact her or see the children until she had received the cryptic message along with the key to this place. Maybe this was EJ's way of an explanation, from the letters she had read so far he was being more honest with her than she had ever been with him.

She got up from the floor and walked around the living room searching for a switch upon the wall, hoping when she found one it would turn on, if not she would have to scavenged around the house for some candles or a flashlight because she just had to get to the bottom of these letters before she left the house. She knew the kids were safe with her grandmother Caroline and as for Rafe well she wasn't so sure how much he would be missing her. All they had done lately was argue and since it seemed like the imposter had disappeared off the face of the earth of which she had little doubt the DiMera's did something to him she wasn't sure how much more of the battling she could take or wanted the children to have to endure.

Their lives had so much conflict already and EJ's question of if she was ready to admit her mistakes was a question she had not wanted to answer, she had pushed aside questions concerning EJ. After all it was easier to place the blame all on him, he was an evil DiMera, she was a Brady and from birth she had been taught all the DiMera's were pure evil.

Then she thought to herself, not Johnny and Sydney though, they were DiMera's and they were beautiful and sweet and kind. There was goodness in them and it couldn't all be attributed to her genes. She thought back to a day long ago when she had confessed to Hope about herself and EJ.

"I have done horrible things Aunt Hope, horrible things to people who cared about me. EJ he knew what that was like, he accepted me, he was my friend."

She sighed heavily at least back then she had not considered herself to be a saint or a martyr against the DiMera family. She still knew who she was back then, now she thought not so much.

She finally found the switch and flipped it, knowing either it would turn on some kind of light for her to continuing reading the letters or she would start her search to find some candles and matches. Much to her delight the switch turned on a very old, yet very beautiful chandelier, the tiny crystals reflecting the light in prisms all around the room. It would be absolutely beautiful if it had some repair work done to it and once again she wondered about the people who had lived her before, the ones she and EJ had found their old clothes stuffed in the trunk that now held letters and a few mementos from her and EJ's past.

She decided to walk to the far corners of the room, imagining what the rest of the house might look like, but she didn't have time for that right now, she needed to read the rest of the letters from EJ. She reasoned within herself she was afraid if she stopped moving right now though she was going to have to answer those questions EJ posed to her.

Did she feel guilty? Hell yes, she felt guilty, but that wasn't going to change the past, it wasn't going to magically bring Grace back to life even if she knew now that Grace didn't belong to she and EJ. She didn't like remembering those few months always wondering if she was doing the right thing or not. Rafe hadn't helped any, he hated the DiMera's as much as her family seemed to even though she didn't think he had any foreknowledge of the family before he had met her or had he and she hadn't realized it?

She had almost told EJ on the day he was marrying that whore Nicole. She had endured Nicole calling her a pathetic bitch who was jealous enough to keep them apart because she didn't want to see Nicole happy. Like it was all about her anyway, no that miserable baby stealing bitch didn't deserve to be happy, but Nicole had played it to the hilt claiming she was ruining their "perfect day".

She bet now EJ wished she would have wrecked their so call perfect day. If Lexie hadn't of come out into the vestibule announcing that she had to rush to the hospital because Philip Kiriakis had been shot and she knew instantly in that moment EJ knew about it, she could see it in his eyes because he wasn't upset about it. EJ could claim to know her like a book, but she knew him too and it had floored her to believe she had almost told him he was the father of Grace.

She had done the right thing, she hadn't told him that day, the decision she made was for the best, EJ was going to marry that slut Nicole. She was upset and left in a huff and then she had come back, but he had already married her, stupid idiot ruined his life all by his own self. He even had the nerve to bring up they still had a connection and it flustered her because there was some part of her that would always love EJ, but he was wrong for her and she was wrong for him.

He stood there and told her he loved Nicole, god only knew why and it had infuriated her that EJ had even insinuated that she was still in love with him and that he had loved her so much it would be best for her to take the high road and leave them alone since he was married to Nicole. She dispelled that notion pretty quickly for him, going off on him and telling him she had pride and he had some kind of huge ego thinking she was trying to stop the wedding just to get him back.

She hated it when EJ was right, so yes, there had been some part of her that hadn't wanted EJ to go through with the wedding to that skanky ho. EJ putting the hit out on Philip had made her realize all over again who and what he was, the DiMera's were a mob family, they put hits out on people who crossed them, they ran drug shipments, they were into money laundering just to name a few of the sordid things they were involved in, all sorts of things she never wanted her children to have a part in that kind of life.

She had done the right thing, she kept telling herself that she was doing the best thing for them all and then the worse thing imaginable had happened. Grace got sick and her life turned into a living nightmare right before her very own eyes.

Sami didn't want to think about Grace, she didn't, but she knew as sure as she knew her own name, this was exactly what EJ wanted her to think about it. Her choices, her decisions had affected them all, and none of them had ever been the same since.

Moonlit Wishes
Part XLVIII

Dear Samantha,

I almost stopped my wedding when you showed up claiming you needed to talk to me, I was so close to running out after you but Nicole stopped me in my tracks saying it was either her or you. Too bad I didn't run out the door straight for you, but I had my pride to consider. We all have our pride to consider, don't we my dear?

Then you came back, taking me by surprise, although it was too late I had went ahead and married Nicole. Seems like weddings are not my forte, either I get shot or chained to a miserable lying bitch; either option doesn't fare too well for me. I think in the future I'll remain single so I guess you can figure out from this that Nicole and I have parted ways once more, this time for good, but I'll give you the rundown on those details later, right now I need to get this tremendous weight off of my chest.

I never could figure out why you came back to the church unless it was to argue with me some more. We were good at arguing, disagreeing on things just seem to come naturally for us for some odd reason. I couldn't put two and two together on why you felt so compelled to stop my wedding until much later. There had been a specific reason for you bringing Grace with you. I actually believe you almost told me that day she was our daughter.

But almost doesn't count unless its horseshoes or some nonsense like that, and no matter what you say now it still stands that you didn't have the courage to tell me the truth. You lies grew and grew to new proportions.

Well I guess my asking you to take the high road concerning Nicole and I didn't help either. I just had to take that dig at you for some perverse reason. I wanted you to be jealous, I was finally getting a woman who loved me, even though at the time I didn't realize it was a psychotic kind of love, but hey beggars can't be choosers can they?

Just so you know it hit me what I had done later on that evening. I'll spare you the particulars beyond of when I had a vision of you in the bed with me instead of Nicole. Guess you got the last laugh in any way with my subconscious. When I was supposed to be making love with my new bride, once again my thoughts turned to you. Why couldn't I get you out of my head? God knew it had been a useless case to persuade my heart to get over you, but I thought at least I had better sense than to be thinking of you when my thoughts should have only been with Nicole.

I tried to make the best of my marriage, doing what I could to steer clear of you beyond when we needed to discuss arrangements for Johnny. Then the day you brought Grace into the hospital I knew something was terribly wrong. I've seen you when you were truly scared and that day I knew you were scared out of your mind about your baby girl.

I did my best to comfort you, to reassure you that everything would be all right with her. Little did I know your full inner turmoil especially when Dr. Jonas came out suggesting he might need information concerning Grace's birth parents, I could see the conflict on your face, but attributed it to worry, never once thinking you were considering telling me the truth about that sick baby being our baby, our child.

I knew you were devastated when Grace died. I really hadn't considered she would not make it through the night. I had even prayed for you and she and you know I don't pray, but I made a feeble attempt at it for you.

When I went over to check on you the next day, I really didn't know what to say. My heart went out to you, I never wanted to see you hurt and when I walked into the room you looked so lost and alone that all I wanted to do was take you in my arms, hold you tight and never let you go. Luckily I refrained from doing so, instead offering up platitudes that really don't mean a damn thing when you are grieving over your loss of a loved one.

I thought it was your loss, then you began to speak and the words you said were things I'll never forget as long as I live. You started talking about that you did what you had to do and it meant nothing. I told you what you did was a good thing, taking this little girl into your home and giving her a wonderful life with a loving family.

You spoke of how sweet and special she was and then you said you wished I had known her like you had which only confused me. I didn't understand what you were trying to tell me. You said Grace wasn't just your baby she was ours. Immediately I thought it was the grief talking, you had been through a terrible ordeal and you weren't thinking clearly.

I said as much, that my baby girl Sydney was at home and you kept on saying not that little girl, your other daughter, still I tried to tell you that you didn't know what you were saying. But oh you did, you knew exactly what you were saying. You started speaking louder, you said for me not to question your sanity and to think about what you were saying that it was true.

You reminded me of when Grace was born, said to take back nine months and to think of who I was sleeping with at the time. It couldn't be true, you had told me she was adopted and I believed you, I fucking believed you because surely you wouldn't have lied to me about something as important as carrying my child, having my baby.

I could feel myself losing it, I started to shake uncontrollably, it couldn't be so, and you wouldn't hurt me that way. You knew how much I loved you, how much I wanted a family. I could feel the tears coming, I begged you to tell me you didn't do that, you didn't lie about bringing a child of mine into this world and not tell me.

I kept begging you, shaking my head no, my Samantha wouldn't do such an unspeakable thing to me, lie about something of such a great magnitude. Then you went off on me saying it was because I was a DiMera, spouting off a list of sins my family had done against humanity.

You started talking about Nicole how she lorded it over you, her being pregnant and fool that I was in my shock I declared Nicole had never betrayed me in the worst possible way like you had done. My shock gave way to anger, an anger I'd never experienced before in my life especially when I realized you would never have told me. You and that bastard Rafe planned it all against me and I felt a rage in my heart that I didn't imagine possible.

You were going to let him adopt my child, my child; raise my child without my knowledge. You kept saying it was about protecting Grace, well part of it may be but another part was sticking it to me for sleeping with Nicole, for choosing to be with her.

I told you that day I hated you and that I would hate you for the rest of my life and hoped that you would keep suffering up until the day you died. Your tears meant nothing to me after your soul cleansing confession. It may have made you feel better, but it blackened my heart to a shade so dark all I could feel was hate, no love, nothing but blackness.

The fiasco at the funeral home to make arrangements only fueled my hatred more. I should have beat Rafe's ass instead of just landing one punch on him. I would have loved to have killed him that day. You wanted to claim about how sadistic my family was, well I was going to prove to you both what happened when you crossed the DiMera's.

Do you remember the words we spoke in anger? I was so upset I don't know what I would have done to you if we had been alone. Who knows what might have happened if that interloper Hernandez hadn't tried to interfere with us that day. It was between you and me, he had no fucking right to be there, he was not her father, he was just another one of your lovers. Someone you could mold to do your will. By god what a prize you got with that wanker, he was going to adopt my child and you were going to let him.

In those moments I knew what I was going to get my revenge one way or another, I swore to you both that a terrible injustice had been done and I would remedy that and it sickened me to hear Rafe talk about how I wasn't going to savage you when you were the savage. You had him wrapped around your finger, pulling the strings on him to have him do your will. You were scared of the big bad DiMera's, yet what you pulled made things my family did look like mere child's play.

I told you both that you killed her to go bury her yourself. I wanted no part of planning the funeral. I was so mad, so hurt with you. You denied me a precious gift and in my anger a plan began to form that day in ways I would extract my revenge against you and Rafe Hernandez. I told you any regret I had was in loving you and that day those words were true. You took my love and gave me nothing but grief and heartache, you fucked me up Samantha. I swore to myself that day I would never believe in you ever again.

The funeral director let me view Grace after you and the jackass left the building. I went to the embalming room and when I was alone in the room, I sat down beside her, pulled the sheet back from her and told her hello and how sorry I was, that I wish I could have known her and could have held her hand, for her to have known Sydney, then I wished for her to be in peace and that she would be in my heart always amidst my tears.

I wished peace for Grace because I knew I sure as hell wasn't going to find any and if I had my way you and Rafe weren't going to either.

Moonlit Wishes
Part XLIX

It was like she could feel the anger rolling off the pages EJ had written directed specifically at her. Really what had she expected back then, that somehow he was magically going to forgive her? She had hurt EJ badly and if she hadn't realized the extent of her deception before this disclosure from him, she knew it now. He had told her point blank how much she had messed him up emotionally.

It was ironic, she the girl who had only yearned for love and acceptance all of her life took the one person who had offered it to her unconditionally and thrown it all back in his face. She never learned from her past mistakes, she knew that with a clarity she wished she didn't have to see, but it was past time she started owning up to the things she had done to provoke such loathing from EJ.

She hated thinking back to those months, ones that had been mingled with joy over the birth of their little girl to extreme worry because at any moment she could have been caught in all of her lies about how she had come about bringing Grace into their lives. Lucas had told her the crazy plan she had of keeping the news from EJ when she went into witness protection was a bad one, but she hadn't listened to him either. She went into things with a head strong stubbornness thinking she knew best and this time things had backfired with disastrous results.

How she had ever left Grace at the convent with the nuns when she returned home still bothered her to this day. She had wasted precious time concocting her plan to keep her little girl safe from the DiMera's. Even though it had been revealed later that Grace hadn't been her daughter, it didn't matter she had loved her and wanted to protect her with a fierceness that was instilled deep down inside of her being.

She recalled the numerous times she could have told EJ, but she had decided it against every time opting to wait for another time until it had become too late. She was so distraught when she brought Grace to the hospital that she really hadn't been thinking clearly. Sure her kids had been sick before with various illnesses, but nothing had prepared her for the sickening feeling that there was nothing she could do for her child to make her better.

The fact that EJ had been there for her when Rafe had been nowhere to be found was not lost on her either. Maybe fate had decided to give her another opportunity to come clean, but it had been too late because Grace's vitals kept dropping. EJ had tried to keep her calm as best as he could, she hadn't deserved his kindness that day, then again there were lots of times he had offered her comfort and she hadn't truly appreciated it.

When Rafe finally arrived it was like EJ was no longer needed and she clung to the man who had helped her keep her secret. She was so upset she hadn't even thought of allowing EJ access to Grace's bedside, she didn't have time to worry about right and wrong because time was running out for her precious baby girl.

She would never forget the hospital room, Grace lying helplessly in the baby hospital bed, the machines monitoring her blood pressure and heart beats slowing down with each passing minute until the unimaginable had occurred. They stopped, each monitor beep or wave becoming a flat line. Her baby was dead, oh my god, Grace was dead and all she could do was stand there helplessly and watch it happen right before her very own eyes.

She knew God was punishing her for her misdeeds in this life, too many bad things, not enough good, never enough good where she was concerned. She barely even registered Rafe was standing there beside her, her baby was dead. She could feel the disbelief wash over her once more like it did that fateful day. Her heart was literally breaking and there was nothing she could do to make things right.

Poor sweet Grace, her sweet innocent baby, whom she had tried so valiantly to protect, died anyway and it wasn't anything to do with her being a DiMera. She recalled being so confused, why had she lied? It was all for nothing, this emptiness in her soul was a terrible abyss. She never knew she had so many tears and she felt like she was going to throw up even though she hadn't eaten anything, her worries about Grace making her forget to eat.

She really couldn't remember when the doctors and nurses came to unhook the monitors from her baby girl, or their sad eyes when they asked which funeral home she wanted to use. It was a nightmare she couldn't wake up from; no mother ever expects to be planning a funeral for her baby. How could God strike down Grace when he could have taken her instead? He should have taken her instead.

Thank goodness the twins had been too young to actually know what was going on, they were confused, but they had not had to shoulder the fact that their mother's lies had come home to roost. She vaguely recalled reading the twins a book trying to explain about death, it had been surreal and she hadn't been able to finish reading the story and Will had taken the book from her to end the story for them. Her sweet caring son had helped her try to make the twins understand what was going on when she couldn't even fathom it herself.

Thinking of Will made her heart hurt too. The sad thing was everyone had believed her and Rafe's lie, she had lied more than to just EJ and the DiMera's, she had lied to her entire family. When Will had found out the truth about Grace's parentage he had taken the news hard, once again her lies were wrecking more than just her life and Will had suffered more than the rest of her children concerning her bad decisions.

Sami didn't want people's sympathy, she wanted her baby back, well meaning words and phrases weren't going to bring her child back from the dead. She didn't deserve kindness from anyone and when EJ had come to see her under the pretense to check on Johnny she couldn't stand to lie anymore.

She hated herself and to hear EJ being so sweet and understanding to her was too much. She didn't deserve kindness and understanding, she deserved for him to see her as she was, a lying, deceitful wretched excuse for a human being.

So she told him the truth, Grace had been their child, one she had kept from him, never allowing EJ a chance to know his own daughter. She knew the moment it hit him when he realized she was telling him the truth, that this wasn't the ravings of a grief stricken mother, she was showing how ugly and nasty the truth could be especially when she imparted it to him.

She felt like hell and she didn't deserve anything more from EJ. When it truly started to sink in she could see it visually, the disbelief slowing giving way to anger inside of him that he turned on her. She could accept the anger and hatred because she didn't deserve to be loved, especially not from the man who gave her way too many chances anyway.

He had loved her when she was unlovable, but even now EJ saw the truth. He was right her soul cleansing confession had not helped, only hurt, but then again she was Sami Brady and she left a wake of hurt and destruction upon most situations if given enough time.

She could recall those words clearly that they had spoken or rather screamed at each other at the funeral home. Of course they would have an argument, it was what they did best wasn't it?

EJ being disgusted about Rafe as he mockingly referred to the help Rafe gave her was of keeping his daughter from him, a daughter who was now dead and that he would never know. EJ's questions to her of what she had done, the choices she had made, had Grace gotten proper prenatal care, checkups, the normal things people did for their children were not lost on her. He had been upset and angry and she knew Grace should have gotten all those things, but had not due to the circumstances of the witness protection program.

Her excuse of leaving her with the nuns, that she wouldn't have left Grace with someone she didn't trust fell on deaf ears when EJ turned it all back on her saying she could have left Grace with him, he would have taken care of her, he wasn't ashamed of her existence.

Those words had spurred her on, something bringing her back to fight to feel something other than the all consuming grief she was experiencing and she always knew how to fight dirty telling EJ she was not ashamed of Grace, she had loved that little girl with all of her heart and she had wanted to protect her from having a father like him.

Yet EJ knew perfectly how to come back and hit to the core of things stating at least he hadn't abandoned her, she wasn't an inconvenience to him and she had snapped screaming for him to stop it, she couldn't take what he was saying anymore on top of trying to deal with Grace being dead and she struck out at him, hitting him and he told her to bring it on, goading her to hit him more if that would help her guilt, which of course it didn't. It was like Rafe wasn't even in the room with them, she had totally forgot about him so focused she was on EJ hoping to strike him enough if only to make him stop saying those things she had thought of herself since Grace's death. EJ's questions hurt and she wanted the hurt to go away and how could they while he stood there and passed judgment on her?

He told her she had killed his baby and there wasn't a damn thing she could do to rectify his claims, nothing at all. She barely remembered Rafe pulling them apart, from the fighting, the screams of who was at fault, the recriminations, the ugliness of it all was raw and painful and too much to take, but somewhere in the back of her mind she knew she had deserved EJ's wrath and strangely she had welcomed it.

EJ's last words to her before they left the funeral home still haunted her because of his lost opportunities that she had taken from him by not giving him a choice in the matter. He was a bit calmer then in his manner and tone, but it was unmistakable that he would not give her absolution for her lies to him.

"I could have told her that I loved her. I could have held her hand. And I could have said good-bye to her."

She knew her words of wishing things were different were too little, too late even as she spoke them to him, "My heart is broken too. And I would do anything... anything... for things to be different."

"The only regret I have, Samantha, is loving you."

All those memories, all those feelings, the words they had spoken in anger were things she would never forget as long as she lived and she felt the well of anguish break within in her as she finally succumbed to the tears and she truly wept like she had not done since Grace's death.

Moonlit Wishes
Part L

She didn't know how long she had cried, it felt like hours before her tears stopped, her head was hurting, her nose stuffy and for the oddest reason it came to her of the many times EJ had offered her a linen handkerchief to dry her eyes when she had cried. He had been a gentleman to her, but during the time following Grace's death EJ had turned stone cold against her.

For EJ to hand her a court order demanding full custody of Johnny right after Grace's funeral was completely unexpected. The thought had never crossed her mind at all. Of course she knew EJ was upset, they had all been upset, yet somehow she hadn't thought her actions would bring about such a drastic reaction from the man who had been such a huge part of her life ever since the day they had met.

She had felt like her world was falling apart, Will was upset with her for lying about Grace and even claimed she and Rafe were wrong in denying EJ the truth about Grace and he thought EJ had every right for taking Johnny. That had been a huge blow to her coming from her eldest son, he was actually considering going to visit Johnny at the DiMera mansion, EJ had told him he was welcome to come there.

Her anger for Nicole hadn't lessened even when that witch claimed innocence over having no clue that EJ was going to take Johnny away from her. She had sensed something was off with Nicole surely she hadn't been heartbroken over Grace's death. Maybe if she had dug a bit more, tried to find out why Nicole seemed stricken she could have uncovered the truth then that Nicole had stolen her baby from her, but she had been too upset herself over Grace's death along with the sudden knowledge that she was losing her youngest son to EJ and then it looked like she had lost her oldest son too.

She had called around asking her father and Abe if there was any way she could get out of taking Johnny to EJ and both had said she had to take him or she would be in contempt of court. Once again she felt like her back was up against the wall.

Her heart had been breaking that day when Johnny ran up to her wanting to play and she had to tell him that she was going to take him to his father's house. Johnny seemed happy enough to go there too. He loved his daddy and gladly went with her to see him.

EJ had wanted her to drop Johnny off and leave; shut the door behind her and his condescending tone had infuriated her. She didn't leave, she had stayed trying to make him see reason, but he hadn't seen anything beyond telling her that she was getting what she deserved for lying about Grace.

So she had done what she did best next to lying of course, she went on the defensive with EJ, citing all the terrible things he and his family had done. She wasn't going to play the victim with him. She was hurt and if he wanted to play hardball with her, she would do so gladly and give it back to him just like he was doing to her.

And thus, the start of what had come to seem like the never ending war for their children had begun.

Moonlit Wishes banner made by Amy-thank you!

Moonlit Wishes
Part L

And thus, the start of what had come to seem like the never ending war for their children had begun.