Moonlit Wishes
Part LI
Dear Samantha,
It was like I was a zombie; I was going through the motions, trying to make some kind of sense of this terrible mess my life was especially when I had thought it was going on the right track for once. The black hole you helped create in my heart was growing, my hate for you and Hernandez seemed to ramp up with each new day.
I knew getting the court order for custody of Johnny would shock you. I mean you thought you could keep the news of your pregnancy from me, keep what we thought was our daughter from me and then I'd just let you go on your merry way, shacking up with the man who had tried to steal my very own child from me. Really I don't understand why Lucas didn't have a problem with this either, I guess he was too wrapped up in Chloe and her cheating ways to take much notice that Hernandez was slowly trying to take over the father role from both of us and you were only too eager to let him do it.
I have to say Will was very kind to me during this time, even offering to send me a portfolio with pictures of Grace along with some stories of things she liked to do. Something you never even thought about doing for me, then again you were grieving and of course shacking up with that mongrel Hernandez took huge portions of your time too. Will really seemed to be growing up into a nice young man and he wasn't blind to your machinations and schemes. At least not then anyway, that would come much later on down the road.
Nicole convinced me to drop the custody fight for Johnny, yes we both should have thought more into her ulterior motives, maybe her guilt was eating her alive while she was trying to be the bigger person in our new battle against one another. Really when Nicole Walker becomes the voice of reason something is really off kilter.
It was a while before I could bring myself to visit Grace's grave, but when I did it was like a fury enveloped me and the rage grew inside my heart or rather what was left of my heart. You didn't even have the decency to give her my name. It really is a wonder you didn't try to name her Grace Rafaela Hernandez so I guess I should have been grateful for Grace Rafaela Brady.
I was angry at you over your insensitivity and in my anger I ordered a new headstone to be placed upon Grace's grave. One that would have her correct last name and even in the end it was still true, Grace was a DiMera whether you liked it or not. Believe me I know not is your option because you were so wrapped up in Hernandez and his clan that you would have done anything for your children to belong to him instead of me.
It was all about you, your loss, your suffering, and then you come into my house yelling and screaming about what I had did wrong. Really you were such a hypocrite, you and that insufferable bastard Hernandez having the nerve to say I was in the wrong when both your lies were what kept me from her in the first place. I was in no mood to empathize with you and the creature in the least.
You just kept going on about how it affected you, never once considering how you tore my life upside down. No wonder I grew colder, you had taught me a most valuable lesson, one that my father had stressed to me time and time again. Never trust a Brady. Never trust them at all.
EJ
Moonlit Wishes
Part LII
She shook her head, hating the fact that once again EJ was calling her out. She hadn't thought much about those dark days; it was a time in her life that was better left in the past. The grief was there hidden within her, it was always there waiting for a chance to bubble its way back up to the surface so she was sure to keep it tamped down securely.
That EJ had destroyed Grace's headstone and then replaced it with one entitled Grace DiMera instead had infuriated her. How dare he do something as arrogant and insensitive as replacing her grave marker? She had saw red, wanting to tell him one more time what a terrible person he was and of course she had taken Rafe with her to pour salt into the wound. If she kept her anger alive with EJ then she didn't have time to feel bad about her role in all of this fiasco.
Rafe had supported her decision not to tell EJ the truth about the baby; in fact he had encouraged her to keep it from him and the rest of her family. It was nice to have a friend who believed in her and didn't know all the bad things she had pulled in the past. Her life of one scheme after another to get what she wanted which was to be loved and accepted by her family and friends. But was that really a friend if they didn't know the true you?
Yes, she got it that sometimes she only thought of herself, but EJ did too. Why should she feel bad about how her heart was torn in two because sweet Grace had been taken from her? There hadn't been enough room to worry about how EJ felt because if she had taken the time to consider his feelings she would have drown in the guilt she felt about not telling him the truth in the first place. Nicole be damned, but her feminine pride had been wounded. What woman wanted to be touted as being one of two people who were pregnant at the same time by the same man?
No thank you, she had dodged the humiliation and embarrassment of being just second best once again. She'd had to fight all her life to try and be first in someone's life and all of EJ's claims that he loved her and only her had crumbled to dust at her feet when she realized he had gotten the woman she had despised pregnant too.
She didn't want to think about that she had pushed him away time and time again, which was why he turned to the whore for comfort in the first place. She had tried to warn him about Nicole, but stupid man he was he hadn't listened to her, no he had listened to his other head apparently the one most men used in various stages of their lives.
Sami crumpled up the letter in her hand, angry at thinking about EJ being with Nicole and pondering over EJ's last lines in this latest letter to her. Never trust a Brady? Seriously that was the pot calling the kettle black. Never trust a DiMera was more like it. EJ had proven to her over and over not to trust him.
She was a trustworthy person, she was, well she wasn't really, but she tried to be and that was what counted. At least she hoped it counted, she wanted to be someone people could trust and yet when she looked back over the years of her life how many people could she say truly trusted her? Unless she counted the twins and Sydney, then not a person over the age of six really considered her to be a person of truth and honor.
Then again weren't those qualities so vastly overrated? Once upon a time, a very long time ago she'd had a friend she trusted and she told him her secrets, things she wouldn't reveal to others because they would judge her over her less than honorable intentions sometimes. He hadn't judged her and only wanted to be her friend or so he had said at the time. Of course that was before she found out he was a DiMera and then everything had changed.
No wonder she wasn't trustworthy, she didn't have any close friends, no female friends at all beyond her family and they weren't what you would call close friends. Since she had tried to stop her scheming ways her family actually liked her or were they all pretending to like her so she wouldn't embarrass them anymore with her wild schemes that always ended up badly when the truth came out?
Damn she didn't really like the truth, much less when she had to examine it in herself which was why she was really good at avoidance and running away. Two qualities she excelled at perfectly. At least she was good at something; she had those skills honed especially when she had dealt with EJ.
The question was did she actually like herself anymore? Was there anyone on this planet who knew her, really knew her and could accept her for who she was scars and all the ugliness that lay just beneath the surface of the new façade she tried to show the world now?
She had to hand it to herself, she really had people fooled, and they thought she was a good person now, one who contributed to the community since she had severed all ties with EJ. She was married to a man people respected and she finally had it all.
Why did she feel like having it all wasn't worth much when she couldn't be true to herself anymore? Denying who and what she was, always trying to be good so that people would love her like they did her mother and sisters was a tiresome job, one she hadn't considered when she had thought she was changing her life for the better to marry Rafe. To be a wife and mother to her children, to build a life with him and have a family, she didn't want to think about EJ's anger over how she had tried to put Rafe in the father figure role for his and Lucas' children.
Did she really want years and years of working so hard to be something she was not to make others like her the main objective in her life? It hadn't even been a year yet and it already felt like some kind of prison sentence to her, not that she'd let EJ know that because he had tried to tell her Rafe was a poor choice, but she had refused to listen to him.
No she'd rather argue with EJ, telling him he was wrong and she was right before she'd ever admit that he might have been right about anything, especially her choice in another man for her life. She was the captain of her destiny and really who believed in those fairy tale things like destiny and fate anyway? It was all a bunch of nonsense.
She honestly didn't know how EJ had endured this soul searching stuff. Writing these letters had taken time and he had poured out his heart to her so far and she still wasn't finished reading them yet. She didn't like that she was having to think beyond and question what had kept her safe in her boundaries she had made over the past few years.
EJ was making her look at herself, really look at herself and she wasn't sure she liked what she saw when she started looking deep down inside her soul. Not one bit.
Moonlit Wishes
Part LIII
Dear Samantha,
The months after Grace's death were difficult ones for me; I was angry, so very angry at you and Rafe. When I would try to forget what you both had done to me and it only seemed to make things worse. I resented you and when I came over to get Johnny one evening, but he was asleep and you seemed so out of it that when I saw there were boxes scattered all around the apartment I knew he was leaving you.
To have Will confirm to me although rather grudgingly that Rafe was moving out made me glad even though I told Will I could have cared less. When I saw you later on in the park a few days later stating my concern was on how Rafe's leaving would affect Johnny you scoffed at me, saying you knew I was happy Rafe was out of your life and it didn't have anything to do on whether or not Johnny was upset about it.
You had me there, but I'd rather die than admit it so I went on and on about how happy I was with Nicole, how things were going to wonderfully and how we would even be going on our long awaited honeymoon we had postponed. You threw it back in my face over who was I trying to convince I was happy with her, was it me or you?
Maybe it had been a mixture of both. I wanted you to be miserable and alone and for me to be happy without you. I wish that could have been the case, but we both know differently. I gloated to you that day, flaunted my so call happy life and family right in your face and you knew it was a lie. I loved being a father to my children, but Nicole and I were never truly happy.
I guess part of that were that even after all the bad things that happened I still wanted you in my life. I really am masochistic. The one thing I did hold onto was that Nicole hadn't lied to me, hadn't hurt me the way you had done, wrenching my soul into darkness.
Then I found out the truth and it was worse than I had ever imagined it. Not only had you lied to me and tore my world apart, but Nicole had too. I guess your brother Brady couldn't stay away from Nicole and when I heard him tell her the secret was out, all her carefully laid plans of keeping your or rather our child away from you started tumbling down.
I was devastated once again and the day you saw me at the hospital you knew something was wrong. I hated the fact that you knew me so well, better than anyone because I didn't want you to see my pain, to know that my perfect world had come crashing down all around my feet.
I hated betrayal of any kind and yet you and Nicole had dished it out to me in spades. I was reluctant to say a word to you, yet you pulled it out of me. Somehow I always managed to let you in even when I wanted to shut everyone out of my life. You could always find a way to see into my crazy mixed up life and somehow I would tell you everything.
It was rather odd to hear you defending Nicole telling me no matter what she had done you knew that she loved me, that she would throw herself in front of a train for me. I wanted to laugh because she had been playing you like she played me. I was sick of it, sick of the lies and the hurt both of you had inflicted upon me. I thought I had lost another daughter, that Sydney was not my own anymore.
My entire life was a lie and to hear you defend her was so weird. I told you Nicole was a lying bitch and I could see the confusion on your face. It was like a switch had been turned off inside of me, I had no love left for her or you. My life was such a freaking mess.
Of course you wanted to know why I thought such a terrible thing about my wife, but her lies had been building for months, just like yours had to me. So we sat down and I told you what I knew. Nicole had been pregnant, but she miscarried.
I told you of how she got a fake pad and hid it with maternity clothes. You asked me how I couldn't tell and I let you in on my innermost secrets. When Nicole had a scare about the baby she had told me we had to keep our distance that we couldn't be intimate with one another and fool that I was I had believed her. I can't believe my intelligence just flew out the window and I had believed every lying word that came out of her mouth.
I was caring and concerned; I kept my distance from her to ensure our baby would be all right. I didn't want to do anything to harm our child and Nicole had played on my concerns like a finely tuned violin.
You were floored, even going as far to say you had pulled some crazy things in your life, but nothing like what Nicole had done. I questioned you was what you had done really all that different. I mean you had lied too, kept the fact from me that you had been pregnant. I was disillusioned with you both.
I told you that day I had two daughters and I lost them both. Never realizing at the time that of course Sydney was my daughter with you, the woman I had loved, the woman who never loved me back, the woman in whose eyes I somehow never managed to measure up to the impossible expectations of the man she wanted me to be, the woman who thought she was a better person than me, but we both know that wasn't the case.
We were and still are so alike you and I; we say and do things to others that leave terrible scars whether they are physical or emotional ones. It is no wonder our lives are not happy ones. Well you may claim now yours is a happy one, but I know truthfully mine is not. I don't know if I ever will be happy.
Are you happy Samantha? Are you truly happy?
EJ
Moonlit Wishes
Part LIV
Sami pondered the question if she was happy. When was she ever truly happy? Sure there had been times in her life when she felt happy, yet the feeling never stayed with her long. Her entire life had been one wild rollercoaster ride after another, one scheme upon another scheme to get what she wanted, granted the schemes had slowed down drastically after what had happened when she lied about Grace, but she still knew how to pull a fast one if need be and she would if the situation demanded it of her.
There had been so many times she had wished ill upon EJ, for him to have a terrible life and now reading these letters she saw her wishes were coming true. He had admitted as much that he wasn't happy and didn't ever know if he would ever find happiness.
She thought something she should have felt thrilled about only made her feel hollow and more than a little bit shallow too. What kind of person was she? She looked around the room, hoping for some kind of distraction to keep her away from answering the question, but she knew she could never distract herself enough and she had to face these questions head on for once in her life without excuses or even worse running away instead of facing the answers.
She was just like what EJ had said to her, a person capable of inflicting incredible pain upon others. Why were they so much alike and how could EJ calmly see and state the fact to her without casting judgment upon her also? Maybe he was better at accepting who he was in this life because she sure was having a hard time accepting the truth about her when he had put it all out there for her in black and white to see what she looked like through his eyes.
She didn't want to examine her true self and her state of happiness or lack thereof as the case may be and was because at this point in her life she wasn't happy. The only good thing she could see was she had her kids back, all of them for a change, but as for her life in general she guessed happiness wasn't something she expected since most times her life was a mess, her emotions always getting the best of her, making her say and do things to hurt others if they didn't do exactly as she expected of them.
She had been hard on EJ, she dogged him out most of the time for his shortcomings, but that had been to hide her own too. She didn't want him or anyone else to see she wasn't some wonderful and great person. She wanted to be, but she had failed far too many times in her attempts at greatness.
She remembered the conversation they had had when Stefano had been sick and EJ had confessed what Nicole had done to him. She had felt his despair over Nicole not telling him she had miscarried their baby and her charade of acting like she had still been pregnant the whole time and ultimately given birth.
When he mentioned Brady and his role in all of it, that had made her start to worry and instantly begin to defend her brother against EJ. She told him not to threaten him and she had saw the anger in EJ's eyes when he told her to look at him, look at what Brady had did to him. She had said that Brady must have had a good reason, but EJ didn't believe that to be so.
When they talked about how had Nicole had gotten away with it all those months it was surreal. EJ had stated how he had let his guard down; that he really loved Nicole and he had hoped he had finally found someone to give his heart to, but it had all been a pack of lies. Just like she had lied to him and it was strange to her own ears to hear EJ state he had even loved Nicole.
She knew he had or else he wouldn't have married her even though some part of her had always thought EJ marrying Nicole had been to get back at her for not loving him enough. She rolled her eyes, thinking EJ wasn't the only one with a big ego; she had quite the one of herself sometimes especially where EJ had been concerned.
When EJ had asked her to bring Johnny to him she had suggested he wait until the morning, but he wanted to see his son and she had relented bringing a very sleepy Johnny to his daddy at the Pub. While she hadn't admitted it to EJ it had softened her heart up seeing him hugging Johnny close, telling him at least he had him. It was heartbreaking to see EJ like that, so alone beyond having his son in his arms.
She had tried not to think about EJ's heartbreak pulling on her heartstrings, the DiMera's got what they deserved every so often but not often enough, although this kind of heartbreak over Nicole's betrayal had hit him hard and also gave her insight into how her betrayal had hit him too. It was so very confusing to her, sometimes EJ would tell her things she didn't want to hear and sometimes if she really opened her eyes she could plainly see it herself.
It was better for her when she kept her eyes closed to it all. Part of the problem then was that she didn't want to see it or let him back into her life. Then again she never would have expected it when the truth came out that Nicole had not only lied to EJ about Sydney, she had also lied to her too.
So was she happy, hell no she wasn't happy. She doubted she would ever be happy, but that was life and so far in this one, things most definitely hadn't gone her way or EJ's either.
Moonlit Wishes
Part LV
Dear Samantha,
I don't know why I chose to let you know how badly Nicole had duped me or to voice my sorrow and outrage over the fact that Sydney wasn't mine. Yet she was and it was all so crazy for me to try and sort out the broken pieces of my life. If I had only known the entire truth at the time, I would have never sent Sydney and Nicole away. Nicole yes, she deserved it for all of her lies, but Sydney never and that is something which bothers me to this day.
Then again how was I to know the truth from the lies, I loved Sydney, had loved her from the first moment I saw her, yet my foolish pride made me want to send both Nicole and her away from me. As if by their leaving I could forget the pain and anguish. Then when Chad had came in the mansion claiming he was Sydney's father and for all he knew he had been from the information of poor misguided Mia.
Funny how it came to be later on that Chad was a DiMera, yet he wasn't Sydney's father, he was Grace's and it was a shame he never got a chance to know his daughter either. Looks like women just love to keep our children from the DiMera's if they get the chance. Something I must warn Chad about for later on down the road if the situation should arise. Then again, Chad might end up luckier in love than I did and have someone truly love him.
When I told you Chad was the father then it all started to come together for you. You knew Mia had given birth after she had confessed as much to you, but never imagined that you were all tied up in it too after Mia started dating Will. Nicole took advantage of the girl and I wasn't going to let you get the best of me again by trying to make me feel guilty about making Nicole leave the mansion with Sydney. I didn't want to think about your theories on the matter even though you refused to leave me alone about Sydney.
When you admitted you would have done it all again concerning Grace it angered me. You saw what it had done to me yet there you stood there saying again what you had done to me would have been done again. You spouted off over how being a mother was doing anything for her child like I had no clue what being a parent was truly like and that angered me even more.
I was sick and tired of your lectures; you told me I loved Sydney. I knew how much I loved Sydney, but I thought she wasn't my child! You tried to convince me to help Nicole, to stand up for them both and let Sydney stay with Nicole. What a karmic joke was played on us all eh? There you were berating me that Sydney needed Nicole when all the while Nicole had stolen your daughter from you. I wished you could have seen yourself from where I was standing because you kept saying it was too bad for me that I was a father who didn't know how to love.
How hypocritical of you because I let you go on and on berating me, telling me my anger controlled everything. I wanted you gone from my sight, I hated you telling me those things and at the time I hated you too or at least part of me hated you while the other part still loved you only god knew why I loved you. I threw you out of the mansion, although before you left you told me one day I would find myself all alone.
Well bravo Samantha, you finally got your wish. I'm all alone now. Does the knowledge make you feel superior that you knew all along I wasn't worth the effort? I finally saw what you saw so very long ago.
How is your victory so far? I mean you know by now I have granted you custody of the children. I wonder if you have even gotten to this point of still reading the letters I have written to you or if you took the custody agreement and ran out of the house with your arms held high in triumph.
I have a few left after this one and if you are staying around I guess you'll see the reasons why I did what you asked of me that day on the pier. Whether you believe it or not I do still listen to you and take your words to heart.
Then again that might have been one of my biggest downfalls. What do you think?
EJ
Moonlit Wishes
Part LVI
Sami could honestly say at this point she didn't feel victorious or triumphant. Yes, she had been earlier, when she had first read the custody agreement, but now she wasn't so sure she was a winner in this game she and EJ had played with one another for such a very long time.
She knew EJ hadn't believed her when she had told him she had been thinking about him and his feelings when he found out that Nicole had her miscarriage and the lies she had told him for months on end afterwards. To think she had given Nicole money to run away from Salem with Sydney stung. She had trusted Nicole and that had been saying a lot. What a fool had she been to give Nicole the last of her money to aid her in helping her escape so that she could keep Sydney with her.
The child Nicole had stolen from her and she had given her the money to escape. When she had admitted she had given Nicole the money to EJ, he couldn't believe how stupid she could be in trusting in her and told her as much. She had been an idiot to think Nicole had been her friend, maybe she had wanted a friend so badly it had clouded her judgment and she had believed Nicole was her friend too. But that wasn't the case, Nicole had used her, just like she had used everyone else playing on her sympathies, doing anything she possibly could to keep the charade going that Sydney was her child.
EJ had told her she was wrong that she didn't need to side with Nicole and believe in her, and she had shaken her head thinking he was the one in the wrong. Somehow they both had been. It hadn't helped matters between them the day when EJ had found her in Stefano's hospital room ranting and raving at him. EJ had been furious telling her to go home.
She hated Stefano and when EJ got in between them her fury had rose. Stefano had been one of the main reasons she and EJ had fought over the years and once again he was making them be on opposite sides. She had went home to her apartment and it wasn't long after EJ had come storming in telling her to leave his father alone. Had he been insane? Of course he was insane, he was a DiMera after all or as EJ had liked to tell her he wasn't insane, he was a DiMera.
Sometimes his riddles had made no sense at all to her.
Moonlit Wishes
Part LVII
Dear Samantha,
The day you called me up saying you thought you had left Grace's scarf at the mansion never realizing what you had said to me until I asked you if you had meant Johnny's scarf I knew you had her on your mind. You had seem a little addled and I suggested that I could bring Johnny's scarf to you where you wouldn't have to come to the mansion.
The main reason I had wanted to come see you was so that we could spend some time alone. We always had so many people who came in between us, who wouldn't let us be alone, let us be who we truly were, and when I asked a simple request from you, it more than surprised you.
I don't think you thought I wanted us to go to Grace's grave together. I had tried to forget her; to not think about that sweet baby girl that I thought had belonged to us. When I mentioned it had been the place of one of our biggest fights you gently reminded me that this was not a place for anger that it was a place for Grace where people who loved her could come. I told you I wish I had been one of the people who had known her.
I thought I may have astounded you when I suggested we might could mourn her together which would have been something normal parents would have done. Then it makes me want to stop and laugh because I doubt you and I would ever fit into any kind of normal situation or be considered as normal at all.
It was nice, you told me about when you were pregnant over how you were mostly anxious and nervous most of the time and thought Grace might turn out that way, but she hadn't and you told me about her beautiful goofy smile which would make you think things would always turn out all right and be okay no matter what happened. You talked about her calmness even in the face of death, when you knew she wasn't going to make it. That she wasn't scared and I was so very thankful you shared those memories and feelings with me.
When you said you were sorry about not telling me about Grace and that you hoped one day I would forgive you it was like a weight had been lifted off my heart, some of the blackness that had enveloped me for months was slowly fading away. I hadn't expected you to say those things, you gave me a gift that day whether you realized it or not.
I never could stay mad at you for very long and I told you as much. I didn't want to be mad at you anymore and apparently you didn't want me to be either. How I wish all those outsiders had left us alone because when it was you and me and the kids all that other bullshit we had to deal with all the time wasn't there.
It wasn't about me being a DiMera or you being a Brady, it was about us. I didn't want to fight with you, didn't want to hate you, I just wanted to love you.
I was such a fool though thinking things could ever be truly simple for us, but for that space in time, those moments we shared at Grace's gravesite just holding hands and talking are some that I will always cherish because I felt whole again with you by my side without the anger residing in me.
Too bad we didn't have more days like that to look back upon, days where we overcame the obstacles and could just be you and me.
EJ
Moonlit Wishes
Part LVIII
Sami recalled that day vividly, it was one of those days that resided in her memory as a good day between them too. After months of fighting with EJ, angry words spoken, heartache over EJ trying to take Johnny from her, they had finally found some kind of common ground with one another. Just like EJ had said for him a weight had been lifted from her that day also.
Despite it all, she had never wanted EJ to hate her, at least not after that initial desire she'd had right after Grace had died and she couldn't take his kindness anymore. When he had turned against her, while she thought she had deserved it at the time she hadn't liked his dismissal of her out of his life. Those months had been some of the darkest in her life, her grief taking over and it hadn't helped when she had worried constantly about whether or not she would be able to see her son again.
So the day EJ had came over and suggested they go to Grace's gravesite it had been a day of healing and one that gave her hope for the future. Her life had been such a mess, then again that seemed to be the norm for the most part, and then that day changed things for the better for her and EJ. Slowly they were regaining what she had hoped was a tentative friendship with one another.
He had started to talk to her more although he had been so reluctant to say anything about Nicole and whenever she brought up the subject of Sydney he would immediately begin to close up with her, completely disregarding her suggestions that he could love Sydney whether or not she was his own child, but he had been her father.
It had been such a confusing time for them all, especially when Rafe had come to her with the truth about Sydney that she was her daughter instead of Nicole's she hadn't believed it. It had been preposterous, Grace had been her child, and she had loved Grace with her whole heart, one that had been irreparably broken with her untimely death.
Rafe had pieced together the story, of how Nicole had been the mastermind of such an unfathomable plan of switching one child for another. She had been surprised when he had come to her, telling her of things she never would have thought possible. That the child she had known as EJ and Nicole's daughter couldn't be her and EJ's instead. No one could be that cruel to take one child for another, to think it would be all right to change them out to suit their own needs.
She told Rafe that Grace her been her daughter, she knew it, yet when he continued talking to her and saying he had DNA evidence that Sydney was hers, it hit her, Sydney was also EJ's child. He hadn't lost his other daughter, she was alive and well.
It was so much to take in all at once, she thought about all the time she had lost with Sydney, and she wanted to see her, to hold her, to love her. But she needed to speak with Nicole too. She was so angry with that lying bitch she couldn't see straight and the full fury hit her anew just like it had when she had first found out the news.
She recalled when Nicole had come to the apartment and she had confronted her, asking her over and over again, wanting her to tell her the truth, needing her to tell her the truth and Nicole only continue to lie. It had been unreal, and when she had slapped Nicole once it hadn't been enough choosing to slap her again.
She made her say the words that Sydney was her child, not Nicole's and even while Nicole was falling apart right in front of her, she made her continue. That bitch would never suffer enough after letting her grieve and she hadn't lifted a damn finger to stop it, only watching them from afar while they all suffered.
For all of Nicole's claims that she had loved EJ, she knew she hadn't loved him, if she had she never would have let him suffer too. How could she have stood by to see him fall apart like he had when Grace had died? Then again, maybe Nicole had been glad that EJ had saw the worst in her, glad that he had turned against what Nicole had thought was the main competition for EJ's love.
She had been grateful to Rafe, more than grateful that he had went to such lengths to prove Sydney was her child instead of Nicole. Maybe the gratitude had morphed into something more, making him seem like a hero in her eyes, clouding her judgment, making her see him as the one who could fix things in her life.
Maybe she had confused gratitude for what Rafe had chosen to do for her into something more, making EJ feel once again like he was the outsider looking in when he should have been right with her the entire time they needed to have Sydney adjusting to her new life with them as her parents instead of Nicole being her mother.
So many choices, so many paths, making her wonder if she had done some things differently would EJ have went down the road of reclaiming Sydney in the way that he had causing them all such heartache in the end? Her mind was swirling with all the possibilities. She hoped EJ would give her some insight into why he had done what he had done. When she had found out the truth she hadn't wanted to listen to his reasons, maybe now she could see things from his perspective too.
So many maybes, so many it was mind boggling.
Moonlit Wishes
Part LIX
Dear Samantha,
Father and I fought about you, one of the few things we disagreed upon was you and we never saw eye to eye on this matter. He would say you were my obsession and maybe you were, but he never saw you the way I saw you. No one saw you the way I saw you
He ordered Mateo to kill Rafe, but I overheard the conversation. Fool that I was I didn't want Rafe dead because I knew it would hurt you. There had been times I wished I hadn't stopped it from happening although I know you believe I have no conscience, I do and sometimes it rears inside of me when I least expect or want it.
I never wanted to believe my father was capable of lying to me, others yes, that was a common practice with him, but to me his son, the one he purported to love more than anyone he kept things from me that he never should have, most importantly the knowledge of what Nicole had done to us. He hated you enough to keep her secret. Guess while you may hate him, he hates you too. The vicious circle goes on and on, doesn't it? I wonder when it will ever stop or if that is even possible given our families history with one another.
I wanted to strangle my father, I literally tried to do that to him after I realized he tried to set me up for Rafe's attempted murder along with being in cahoots with Nicole on making sure you wouldn't know Sydney was your daughter, our daughter together. We were all just pawns in his little games. I hated I was included in those games and realized how truly awful it felt to be involved when Stefano DiMera wanted to orchestrate another stage in our lives. To him, we are all just puppets on a stage and he holds the strings.
Father protected Nicole, he protected that lying bitch over me and then he claimed he did it all for me, to keep you from me. Stefano thinks you are no good for me. While that may or may not be true, he had no right to side with Nicole. He told me he would never do anything to hurt me, but he did, he hurt me, he hurt you and for all his claims of putting family first this time he did not. He told me Nicole made it possible for me to raise my own daughter, which was the reason behind why he didn't tell me the truth about Sydney.
The one person I thought I could always count on, the one person who purported to love me, was just another person who let me down, lied to me. You all lied to me. He told me he did it because he didn't want me to go running back to you. I was in tears, he didn't get it because it was my life to chose, yet he wanted to choose it for me. He let me mourn a child that wasn't mine, yet as fate would have it Grace was his own granddaughter. Maybe somewhere there is a balance of justice in this world, I just haven't gotten a good enough grasp on it yet though.
I think back to the things Nicole said to me that day when she finally revealed the whole truth to me, that she had taken Sydney from you when you gave birth to her. She said she had done it for me. I was in shock, how could she have done this for me? I never asked her to do anything of the sort, never would imagined Nicole would go to such extreme lengths to keep me with her, to keep you from our daughter.
I guess she had been pushed to the edge when she lost our baby and I know now that she knew deep down that I only stayed with her, chose her because of the baby. I thought I was doing the right thing by all of you. Nicole pleaded with me to let you go from my heart, to give her a chance, to give our family a chance and I did and it was nothing but lies upon more lies.
She did tell me something that day I had thought but never wanted to admit to myself. She claimed she took Sydney from you because you would always try to keep me from my children, you would always want Rafe above me, that I would never be your choice ever. It hurt like hell to hear her voice some of my deepest fears and I wanted her to be quiet, to stop talking. I didn't want her or need her kind of twisted love.
When you and Rafe showed up you told me to stop thinking like a DiMera and just be Sydney's daddy. You asked the officers to uncuff Nicole, which they did for you and then you let Nicole hold Sydney one last time before they hauled her lying ass off to jail. She deserved to serve a prison sentence for what she did to us, all of us, then again if you had been honest from the start none of this would have happened.
I won't lie to you now, I blamed you, I blamed Rafe, I blamed Nicole and I blamed my father. I was to the point where I didn't have faith in anyone and whatever I may have thought of love and kindness was stripped from me by all of you. Yes, I am a bastard, but at least I can admit it even if I don't like to be one to the ones I loved.
When I realized you were happy Sydney was ours it hit me. We weren't going to raise her and Johnny together. You had your white knight Rafe Hernandez and you were going to try and raise my children with him. I hated him even for all that he did to bring to light that Sydney was our child. I hated you for allowing him into our children's lives and I hated how he thought he had a right in what happened to our children.
You know I loved Father, I loved you and in my own way I loved Nicole too. Yet you all lied to me time and time again. Why did I ever believe in any of you? Why?
Does it surprise you why I chose what I did after Nicole was released from jail with help from your brother Brady no less? I had told you and Rafe back at the funeral home that dark day you would pay for what you both had done to me. I wasn't going to forgive and forget and let Rafe take my family from me.
I wanted you all to pay; you all had hurt me and hurt me deeply. You were right I didn't know about how to love because look at what you had all done to me? I know now what I did was wrong, so wrong, but at the time I thought it was the only way.
I was going to make you all suffer, yet when everything was said and done I was the one who lost it all. I thought I was going to gain the world, but only lost my soul in the process. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever regain it back.
EJ