Final Fantasy VII: Palmer and his Coffee Crises Trilogy
Palmer and his Coffee Crises, OH NO!
It was a bustling day out in the streets of Midgar. Everyone was caught in the morning rush to get to work.
One person in particular decided to stop by a local coffee stand and grab him a hot cup of coffee before going to work.
That one person was Shinra's Space Program head: Palmer.
"One Triple Bypass Caramel Latte with extra sugar and lard," Palmer says to Aeris, owner of the coffee stand.
"Coming right up!" Aeris says with a shudder of disgust, preparing his drink. When it was finished, Palmer pays for it with the last bit of change he had on him, and took his cup of coffee.
As he turned around, he suddenly trips and falls over Cait Sith, who was walking in front of Palmer's path. This caused Palmer to spill his cup of coffee all over the ground.
"Hey! Watch where you're going!" Cait Sith says, getting off the ground and shaking his paw at Palmer.
Palmer slowly tuned his head toward Cait Sith, fire and rage burning in his eyes. Cait Sith gulps when he saw Palmer's angry look on his face.
"M-MY…C-C-COFFEE…N-NOW…G-GONE!" Palmer sputters in disbelief like an old outdated engine.
"Hey, chill out, mister, I'm sure I can replace your cup of…" Cait Sith tries to say to Palmer, but was grabbed around the neck and nearly strangled to death.
After Palmer was done with him, he tosses away Cait Sith and storms down the street in complete rage for getting his coffee spilled.
Palmer approaches an intersection, and kept on stomping across the street, not paying attention to the crosswalk sign flashing: DON'T WALK.
This caused Barret, who was in his car, to slam on his breaks when Palmer crossed haphazardly in front of him at the crosswalk.
"HEY! GET YOUR FATASS OUT OF THE ROAD!" Barret yells out to Palmer.
Palmer turned to Barret's car and slammed his fist onto the hood hard enough to flip the entire car over on its side with a loud crash.
Barret was hanging out out of the now-wrecked car in a daze as Palmer left the scene to go relinquish his anger on someone else.
Palmer continues down the sidewalk in a huff. From behind, Yuffie was riding her bicycle delivering newspapers.
"Lookout, mister!" Yuffie yells to Palmer, who was in her way of her paper rout.
Palmer responded by holding his chubby arms out, clothes-lining Yuffie, sending her flying off of her bike and landing in a nearby dumpster.
Palmer's tirade was not over yet.
Palmer continues down the city streets, face beet-red from frustration, when he runs into Cid Highwind.
"Hey, watch it you goddamn blimp!" Cid says to Palmer as he took out a pack of cigarettes.
It wasn't long until Palmer shoved the box of cigarette down Cid's throat and left the area.
Palmer's rage continues for much of the morning, and it wasn't long before Palmer encountered Vincent, who was sitting at an outdoor café, reading a book. Vincent looked up and Palmer, who loomed over him with an exasperated look on his face.
"What?" Vincent says to Palmer.
Seconds later, Palmer left the café after taking Vincent's cape and tying it around his head in a tight knot.
"What did I ever do to you?!" Vincent yells to Palmer in a muffled voice.
Before he knew it, Palmer was back near the coffee stand where he started.
Aeris, who witnessed all of the events throughout the morning, offered Palmer another cup of coffee, free of charge.
After hearing this, Palmer finally calmed down as he took his replacement cup of coffee and smiles at Aeris.
"Thank you, miss! Man, I can be pretty mean if I don't have my caffeine, eh?" Palmer says, as he began to skip off toward his office, when he bumped into a couple as he turned a corner. Again, Palmer's cup of coffee flew out of his hands and landed on the ground, spilled all over.
Palmer looks up at the couple he ran into.
It was Cloud and Tifa.
You can imagine what happens at this point…
Palmer Wants Coffee, NOW!
It was a typical day at Shinra Headquarters.
Palmer walks into the Break-Room and pours himself a hot cup of coffee.
"Now to add lotsa lard," he says, grabbing a huge can of large and dumping five pounds of it in his hot drink. "And then some sugar!" he continues, turning around to grab said object. When he faced back to where his coffee was supposed to be, it was gone.
"No…my coffee…need…coffee…" Palmer sputters, eyes twitching, and he stiffly strode out to interrogate everyone who might have stolen his coffee.
Scarlet's Office
Palmer slams open the door to Scarlet's office and stomps inside. Scarlet was busy working away on the computer when she looks up and sees his frustrated expression
"What do you want, fatass?" Scarlet asks him.
"Where's my coffee, bitch?" Palmer asks her angrily, fuming like a teakettle.
"I don't know! I didn't think you drank anything else but tea with lard. What's the matter, your dimply-ass can't take any more herbal—"
Before Scarlet could finish that sentence, Palmer bitch-slaps her, sending her crashing into her computer monitor, which then caught on fire. Palmer then leaves for the next area without looking back.
Heidegger's Office
Palmer barges into Heidegger's office and stops at his desk, where a woozy-looking Heidegger was busy drinking Vodka. He turns and looks at Palmer and starts talking in Russian slurs as he tries to tell him to get out.
Quickly realizing that it would be a waste of time trying to talk to him, Palmer leaves the officer after he had shoved Heidegger's fat hairy face into his narrow bottle of Vodka.
The Hallway
Down in the hallway, all of the Turks were gathered for a brief meeting. Palmer strode toward them, red as a beet and stopped amidst of their conversation.
"Um…yes?" Tseng questions as the fat executive interrupts their meeting.
"Where's my coffee, 'Jerks'?" Palmer questions as he pulled everyone by his or her neckties toward him simultaneously.
"What are you talking about? None of us drinks any coffee you incompetent loser!" Reno protests.
"Yeah! How dare you accuse us of stealing your stupid drink!" Elena adds.
Rude just gave Palmer an intimidating glare through his sunglasses.
Moments later, Palmer left the area after again gaining no new information on the whereabouts of his cup of coffee. Tseng was left stuck upside down inside a potted plant, while Elena's head was slammed into a nearby copy-machine. Reno had his electric rod shoved down his throat, while rude shoved headfirst into a file-cabinet, his legs flailing at the ends.
Rufus's Office
Palmer made one last stop: his boss's office. He kicks down the door and approaches Rufus, who was ready for Palmer, as he already had his shotgun out and pointed at the overweight executive.
"Before you even say a single word, I do not have your damn coffee, so go away before I have to deflate your sorry excuse of a body with my bullets!" Rufus warns Palmer, but Palmer didn't listen.
Palmer left the office after he had taken Rufus's shotgun and wrapped it around his neck like a noose.
The Break Room
Palmer, on the verge of going postal on the rest of the corporation, heads back to the break room. Once there, he stopped and glared at man who was holding his cup of coffee he had poured earlier.
It was Reeve.
"Ah! Delicious caffeine refreshment! I wonder who left it here behind the napkin dispenser? Oh well, mine now," Reeve says, about to take a sip of his coffee.
Reeve was completely oblivious of Palmer's presence, as he was immediately jumped and got the crap beaten out of him. Afterwards, Palmer takes his coffee and drinks it to his satisfaction.
"Ah! Now that's good stuff, and with sugar even! Oh well, guess I can do without the lard anyway, gotta keep up my perfect physique! Time to get to work! Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la," Palmer sang as he skips merrily out of the room.
Palmer is on a Coffee Rampage, YIKES!
Palmer woke up bright and early in his humble little studio apartment at the base of the Shinra Corporation. He stretches and yawns as he wobbles out of bed and makes his way downstairs toward the kitchen to grab a cup of hot coffee to start the day with. He opens his cupboards and makes a grab for a tin of coffee grounds…
…only to find it empty.
Palmer's face turned from pleasant to a cross between completely dumbfounded and horrified.
"No…more….COFFEE?" he sputters as an oncoming rage began to build within the fat-man's body once again. "MUST…GET…COFFEE!"
Seconds later, Palmer's outline was smashed through his dining room wall as he ran down the streets like a madman in search for coffee.
7th Heaven Bar
Down at the 7th Heaven bar, Cloud and Barret were having a drink while Tifa served them. Within moments, Palmer abruptly charges into the bar, looking like a rabid mutt.
"Palmer? What in the world are you doing in a place like this?" Tifa questions the Shinra executive from behind the counter.
"Yeah, the hell is wrong with you, fool? Look like you didn't have your morning cup of joe or something," Barret taunts as he takes a swig of some coffee Tifa brewed for him and Cloud.
"COFFEE…NEED…COFFEE!" Palmer blurts out in anticipation when he heard they were having coffee.
"Sorry fatty, we're drinking the last of what Tifa's got for the day. Hahahaha!" Barret says with a hearty laugh at Palmer's face as he finished the last of his drink, down to the last drop.
SLAAAAMMMM!
Before Barret could even realize it, he was hit by a flying pool table, causing him to fly out of his bar stool and slam against the adjacent wall.
Tifa gasps at Palmer's unusual display of physical prowess and quickly looks to Cloud to do something about this.
"Looks like I'll be getting my exercise today," Cloud says as he stood from his seat and went to grab his buster sword…
…only to find it missing.
"What?" Cloud said as he looked to see his weapon gone from its spot.
He looks back at Palmer, who now held his buster sword.
"GIMMIE…YOUR…COFFEE…NOW!" Palmer says furiously as he held the sword in a dangerous manner.
"I…finished my coffee as well…" Cloud responds, walking cautiously toward him to try and get his weapon back.
SLASH! SLASH! SLASH! SLASH! SLASH! SLASH! SLASH! SLASH! SLASH! SLASH! SLASH! SLASH!
Cloud's attempt to tame the wild beast fails as Palmer performed the famous Omni-Slash technique on Cloud, the final slash sending our spiky-haired hero tumbling across the bar counter, knocking over every wine glass placed there, followed by a loud thud of Cloud landing on the floor where Tifa was.
Tifa looks up at Palmer and gulps. She had to think fast or she would be next. She looks all throughout her supply cupboard…
…and to her surprise, finds a bag of coffee beans hiding behind some stuff.
"Here you go, Palmer, a fresh cup of coffee that will get you through the day," she says with a slightly nervous smile as she quickly brews some for him.
Palmer immediately drops the buster sword and hobbles up to the counter, grabbing the mug and downing it in seconds. He licks his lips, and then lets out a huge burp.
"Aaaaahhhh…that hit the spot," he says, setting down the mug and trotting away happily toward the exit like a little schoolgirl.
Tifa looks at her now wrecked bar and sighs. Both Cloud and Barret were out cold, and she was left to clean everything up after that bizarre event.
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