Final Fantasy VIII: Proper Education

Ultimecia Teaches

It was a typical morning at Balamb Garden. Students were conversing with one another in the hallways, Seifer yelling at students to get to class on time, Zell hogging all of the food in the cafeteria…

All was routine except for one place this particular morning.

We now take a peek into Quistis's classroom.

The bell rang, signaling the start of first period. The students in class were patiently waiting for their teacher, Quistis Trepe, to walk in and start today's lesson.

After ten whole minutes, Quistis still had not arrived to class.

Something was up.

"Where's Miss Trepe? It's not like her to be late getting to class," says a random student.

"You're right. Do you think she's sick?" another student asks.

After the students conversed among themselves on the whereabouts of their teacher, the classroom door flew open. The students stopped abruptly and stare at the woman who entered into class. Behind her was Headmaster Cid.

"Attention, students. Your regular teacher, Quistis Trepe, is out on official SEED business. So, for today, this lovely lady next to me will be teaching you. Please give a warm welcome to Sorceress Ultimecia."

The class clapped slowly with uncertainty as they stared at the creepy looking woman in a red robe and sporting black wings. As Cid left, Ultimecia took to her desk and sat as she prepared to take roll.

"Okay klass, time for roll kall," Ultimecia says, grabbing a nearby clipboard.

As Ultimecia took roll, the students whispered among themselves.

"What is with this teacher's voice?" one student says.

"She talks weird…" another comments.

After taking roll, Ultimecia began today's lesson.

"Alright klass, log onto your komputers and open up the English Applikation. I am going to skhool you on konstruktive sentences," Ultimecia says.

"Is this woman serious?" another classmate says to another.

"Quiet down back there! I will not tolerate talking in my klass!" Ultimecia responds sharply. "Now begin working on the lesson called 'Kurriculum Klassics."

As Ultemicia continued talking, some of the classmates began snickering at the way she talked.

"Man, her English sucks!" says one of the students in the back.

"Geez, where did she learn to speak like that? She sounds so stupid," says another.

"I heard that you little deviant! I will not tolerate any more krap from any of you!" Ultimecia warns the class.

As soon as she says 'Krap', the entire class fell out of their seats laughing.

"Oh that does it, I kan't teach a klass that kan't handle proper education," Ultimecia says in a huff, marching out of the class.

As she left the class, she walked passed Headmaster Cid.

"Miss Ultimecia? What seems to be the problem?" Cid asks.

"That klass is not worth my time! I kant teach under these konditions!" Ultimecia says, before leaving the building.

"Damn, looks like I'll have to call in another sub," Headmaster Cid says, sighing.

Raijin Teaches

After Ultimecia had walked out from teaching first period, Headmaster Cid managed to call in another substitute to take over the class during second period.

As the bell for second period rang, Headmaster Cid walks into class once more.

"Students, I would like to introduce you to your new substitute teacher: Raijin!" Cid says, as Raijin enters the room and flops down onto the chair behind the teacher's desk. He rests his feet on top of the desk and waves to Headmaster Cid to tell him that he's got things covered here.

"Yo, I'm Raijin, ya know? I'm going to be teaching you some stuff that your regular teacher probably doesn't cover, ya know?" Raijin spoke to the class.

"Who is this guy?" a student whispers to another.

"I think he's with Seifer's gang," another student responds.

"Why does he keep saying 'ya know' after every sentence?" a student from the back asks.

"I know you guys are talking about me behind my back, ya know. I have good hearing ya know," Raijin responds.

"I betcha you don't know squat about teaching, ya know," a student from the front teases Raijin.

"Oh, so now you want to get smart with me, I won't let you, ya know?" Raijin shot back.

"I know that you don't know how to speak properly, ya know?" the same student continues.

"I don't know what you are talking about, ya know?" Raijin says to the student.

"I know darn well that we know that you know that you suck as a proper speaker, and as a teacher, not like Miss Quistis, who's awesome, ya know?" the student goes on.

The conversation kept going on for most of the period, with the students' talking-back to Raijin the same way he spoke to them, exaggerating his words more as time went on. It got to the place where Raijin was on the verge of blowing up from an overload of 'ya knows' he's been hearing all morning.

"I still don't know that you know about what I know that the class knows about what I know about teaching and knowing what-Aw screw it, I don't know anymore!" Raijin finally says, giving up.

"KNOW-NOTHING!" says a voice from behind him.

Raijin spun around and began shouting at the one who called him a 'know nothing'.

"Look ya little booger-nosed kid, just wait till I get my staff and shove it up your—-AHHHH!" Raijin says angrily, before realizing it was Fujin he was shouting at.

"Fujin! I…uh…when did you come in…I didn't mean what I says, ya know?" Raijin says with a cheesy smile.

"MORON!" Fujin shouted to Raijin, kicking him in the shin before dragging him out of the class.

Headmaster Cid witnesses the forced-leave of Raijin, and shakes his head.

"That's two in the same day…maybe I shouldn't hire such cheap instructors…" Headmaster Cid groans.

Norg Teaches

With two substitute teachers out of the way, Cid was getting desperate. For the third period class, Cid somehow managed to drag in the largest of the teacher's yet: NORG.

The entire class stared in either awe or in shock as Cid introduced the giant Shumi to the class.

"Class, I would lke to introduce to you the owner of Balamb Garden: NORG! Now behave yourself and don't give NORG any trouble, you hear?" Cid says before exiting the class.

The entire class just sat there with a blank look at the over-sized squid-like creature that was supposed to be their substitute teacher. After a brief moment of silence, NORG spoke.

"Bujurururu! WHAT-ARE-YOU-STUDENTS-STARING-AT? HAVE-YOU-GOT-NO-MANNERS? OH-NEVER-MIND. LET'S-GET-THIS-IDIOTIC-LESSON-OUT-OF-THE-WAY!" NORG says, reaching for his over-sized clipboard made especially for him.

"What…the…hell…is…that…?!" one of the students whispered in fear, pointing at NORG.

"He's the owner of the Garden? How can Headmaster Cid hire such a slimy over-sized slob?" says another student.

"Something tells me he wasn't hired, but came here on his own terms…" another student hypothesized.

"SILENCE! Bujurururu! NOW, LET'S-GET-ON-WITH-TODAY'S LESSON," NORG says, looking at the clipboard. "WHAT'S-THIS-CRAP? 'BASICS-OF-ECONOMICS'? IS-THIS-WHAT-YOUR-PATHETIC-TEACHER-IS-TEACHING-YOU? I'LL-TEACH-YOU-LIFE-SKILLS-MYSELF!" NORG says, tossing away the clipboard.

He hovered across toward the blackboard in his mobile transportation device and grabbed a piece of chalk.

"TODAY'S-LESSON-IS-'HOW-TO-RULE-GARDEN-FACILITIES-USING-MONEY-AND-SELLING-OUT-YOUR-EMPLOYEES!" NORG says, writing on the chalkboard as he spoke.

"I don't like this guy," says a female student near the middle row.

"I want Miss Trepe back," whimpers another student.

"SILENCE! I-WILL-NOT-TOLERATE-ANYMORE-CHATTER!" NORG says, charging up a psycho ball and hurling it toward the students, narrowly missing them as it flew over their heads and crashed through the back window.

At that same moment, Seifer bursts into class.

"What the hell was that?! Is someone in need of some discipline?" he says, before turning to look at NORG. "HOLY SHIT, NEVER MIND WHAT THAT SOUND WAS, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?!" Seifer screamed like a schoolgirl, pointing at NORG before running out of the class.

NORG and the entire class stared blankly at the event before resuming the lesson.

Sadly for the class, they were stuck with listening to the ego-manic Shumi for the next hour.

Biggs and Wedge Teach

It was the last period of the day, and that means Headmaster Cid has to find another substitute to fill in that time slot. Luckily for him, he found not one, but two teachers at the very last minute.

Headmaster Cid walks into the classroom, followed by two Galbadian soldiers dressed in full armor.

"Class. I would like to introduce your substitute teachers for today's final period: Mr. Biggs and Mr. Wedge," Headmaster says, before leaving the room.

The entire class's eyes shot wide open at the sight of two soldiers from their enemy forces teaching them today.

"Right then. Let's get started on today's lesson…" Biggs says, walking over to the teacher's desk.

"Uh…sir, shouldn't we take roll first?" Wedge asks.

"Are you questioning my teaching methods?" Biggs shot back.

"N-no sir I was just suggesting that we…" Wedge tried to explain.

"Shaddup! No pay for you this month!" Biggs says.

"Should've stayed home today…" Wedge sighs.

"What a couple of losers…" one of the students whispered to another.

"Are these two examples of what teachers at Galbadia Garden are like?" a girl asks.

"If they are, then victory will be ours in the future," replies another.

"Pay attention!" Biggs says as he flopped down onto the teacher's desk. "Today I'll teach you how to overwhelm your opponents in the event of a Garden War."

"Uh…sir? Just curious, are you about to tell these students our secret plan to fire a missile on this very garden next month?" Wedge asks.

The entire class gasped in horror after hearing this.

"You dumbass! I was referring to the basic battle techniques that all three Garden's follow by, you whelp!" Biggs growls.

"Oops…" Wedge says, gulping.

"I'll oops you!" Biggs says, hopping over the desk and perusing Wedge who tried to flee from the class.

The whole class sat at their desks with a 'WTF' look on their faces.

Moments later, their real teacher, Quistis Trepe, enters the class.

"Sorry about my absence, students. I was in the Training Facility trying to tame a rampaging T-Rex from eating Zell and Selphie. Now, shall we begin?" Quistis says with a smile as she went to desk. "Oh, by the way, did anything interesting happen while I was gone?"

The entire class looked at each other before looking back at the teacher.

"Nope," the class says in unison.

Please review and keep watch for the next story: Final Fantasy VIII: The Heroes Watch Dora The Explorer…Sorta, as this collection is constantly updated until its completion!