Just Keep On Keeping On: Abandonment
I laugh to myself wryly and save the document I was working on before logging off. It seems pretty pathetic. A few pages could never sum up your life. They could never capture what had truly gone on. After all, they were just words, not memories or experiences or anything holding any sort of real value. Snorting, I get up from the chair I had confined myself to for the past few hours. I was no writer. This didn't do you any justice.
Huh.
I was referring to Beck as you, like he was still here and I was talking him. Like none of this had gone down. How stupid of me.
I casually walk over into the kitchen and grab my car keys before heading outside the door without a jacket or a scarf or anything. I didn't know what was possessing me, but I decided to go visit Jade one last time. After all, writing all of that has gotten me thinking about her and I only had one class today which just so happened to be in the very morning.
I jump into my beat up old car and put my keys in, igniting the engine. I spot my phone sitting on the passenger seat, cold and unused. Ever since Beck had stopped texting me, I really had no need for it. No one else really gave a shit about me besides my family and it's not like I had a girlfriend.
I smile to myself. Beck always told me that the day I got a girlfriend was when the day when he would throw a huge party and invite everyone he knew and even people he didn't. So I always looked forward to the day when a girl would hug me and exclaim yes and then we could go to that party of Beck's hand in hand. But getting a girlfriend...it's just not the same without the promise of that rager.
I reach over and grab my phone and flip through the contacts, looking for Jade's. When I finally see it, I realize that there's no way her number has stayed the same. Mine hasn't. There's a chance she doesn't even have a phone anymore. Sure enough, when I call it, some random robot informs me that this number has been disconnected. I toss my phone back over onto the seat and it bounces and falls onto the floor. It didn't matter though and I hit the gas, starting the car ride to Jade's house (at least the one she had lived in while we were in high school) which would ultimately take a few hours with no guarantee that I'd be home before midnight.
I blast my 80s music the whole time and surprisingly enough, the time flies by in a blur of Duran Duran and Aerosmith lyrics. Soon enough I'm back near Hollywood Arts, scouring the neighborhood for Jade's house. Finally I do get there and I pull over and hop out of the car, keys still dangling in the ignition just in case something weird happened and I needed to make a quick getaway (I was always overly cautious all right?).
I go up to the door and ring the doorbell and wait patiently until the door swings open and Jade's mom is standing there She looks tired and bedraggled, like she hasn't slept in quite a while. She has huge bags under her eyes, plaguing her once fair skinned complexion. She has more wrinkles than I remember and she has this sorrow about it her that I just can't place. As I peer past her and into the dark house, I realize that this whole place has a feeling of disappointment and grief.
"Oh...Oh my, Robbie!" she greets me, happiness lighting up in her eyes. Something that seemed so out of place in such a gloomy place. She grabs me into a tight hug and I don't object even though I was never all that close friends with Jade and had only seen her mother a few times. Still, the welcome was warm and it made me feel happy inside, if only for a second. "What are you doing back here?...Are...Are you here...here for J-Jade?" she asks, the joy dissipating from her stature.
"Is she here?" I question, confused at the way she asked me if I was here for her daughter.
"Yes...For the time being. You caught her at a good time. She was just about to leave," her mother answers gravely and moves to the side so that I'm able to scurry into the house. As I pass the threshold, I'm met with a cold front. There's no heat. Or if it is, then it's not on.
"Oh...Does she have another house?"
"I...I'm not sure...Maybe...Maybe you can ask her?" her mother responds hopefully, looking up at me as if I'm the last thing she has to believe in. I look at her mother pityingly before nodding my head in conformation.
"Of course."
"She's upstairs."
I take that cue and swiftly go up the stairs and down the hall. I turn to look at the second room on the left, surprising myself that I still remember her home even though it's been so long. I anxiously knock on the wooden door and shift from foot to foot, not knowing what to expect. Whatever had happened must not have been good from what her mother has already said to me.
"Go away mom!" comes the harsh shout of Jade. A part of me relaxes that she still has an edge to her and maybe there's still a part of her left even though I've been told she's all gone, never to return.
"It's not your mom," I chuckle softly and within a few seconds the door is flung wide open and I'm greeted with the pale outline of Jade. She's in clothes that are two sizes to big and my eyes are immediately drawn to her jutting collarbones and her exposed stomach that plainly shows her ribs. She looks skinny and sick and I feel as though if I blow on her she'll fall over. Her ears are pierced, as well as her belly button and when her mouth falls open in astonishment that I, of all people, am here, I see the piercing on her tongue. Not only that but there's horribly drawn tattoos covering her body. She no longer has black hair either. No, it's brown, the normal color, but stringy and dry looking. To top it all off, she smells horrific.
"Robbie?" Her voice is hoarse and raspy and sounds just so down right horrible that it makes me flinch. "What...How...Why are you here?" she snaps, just staring at me with those ice blue eyes that could intimidate a pro wrestler ten times her size. I swallow and glance down at my worn out old sneakers for a moment, composing myself.
"Is that anyway to treat your long lost high school pal?" I joke lightly although I'm in no mood for jokes and by the looks of it, neither is she. I give her a half hearted smile and a shrug.
"I- Steven! Stop it!" she cuts herself off, randomly howling at a little boy who has suddenly appeared at her waist, pulling on her shirt and looking up at her expectantly, a small pout forming on his extremely tanned face. He has big brown eyes with messy dark hair and seems to be around the age of four or five perhaps? Maybe even six?
The toddler immediately stops and guiltily fiddles with his fingers. Jade is quick to berate him. "Stop playing with your fingers and get back in the room and pick out what you want to bring," she hisses through clenched teeth. The toddler, or Steven, quickly and fearfully waddles away back into the darkness of the room.
"Who's the little guy?" I ask stiffly, unsure if I was overstepping my boundaries since for as long as I had known Jade she never liked to talk about her personal life. No, the only thing she actually enjoyed was making fun of other's pain and misfortune. Jade tugs at her flaky hair and puffs some air.
"Steven," she finally answers.
"Oh. Is he a relative?"
"No."
"Oh...Just a random kid then that you pulled off the side of the street?" I attempt and she gives a dry laugh, shaking her head at me and flashing her slightly yellowed teeth.
"I guess he really does look nothing like me then, huh?" she scoffs and as she frowns she shakes back and forth a little and looks so out of it and unbalanced. So un-Jade-like it scares me more than when she's being herself as if that's not bad enough.
"So he's your brother than?" Weren't her parents a little to old to be having another child? I look at her uncertainly and find the same expression staring me in the face like she's not sure what to tell me.
"No...He's mine," she admits quietly and I mask my surprise by turning away awkwardly until I can force down all the questions racing through my head. Then I peer over her shoulder at the little boy sitting on the bed, innocently kicking his feet out and quietly making helicopter noises as he plays with a beat up plane.
"He looks a little like you," I try which earns a glare from her to which I promptly shrug. She then slides over to the boy and takes the plane out of his hands and he looks like he's about to cry, but only gazes up at her sadly, his lips still puffed out, ready to make more helicopter noises. He doesn't reach for the plane, doesn't even try to do anything to get the toy back. He seems so mature for his age and it makes me wonder what exactly he has been through to make him into what he is.
"Steven, you need to be packing," she scolds, tossing the plane into a ripped up knapsack.
"I sorry," he apologizes and Jade snorts.
"I am sorry, Steven. I am," she corrects him coldly.
"I am sorry Jade," he pitifully offers and Jade sighs in response but waves him off to go collect whatever other things he may need.
"Just don't do it again." And with that the toddler makes his way out of the room, passing me and giving me a half hearted smile that was filled with such remorse it makes my heart ache a little. She sits on the bed and massages her temples with her fingers.
"He calls you Jade?" I ask, going over to her and sitting next to her on the bed. Normally I would never be so ballsy, but things had changed and we weren't in high school anymore. We had to grow up once Beck left.
"It's better that way."
"What are you talking about? You are his mom, aren't you? Unless...unless you were lying to me?"
"No, I wasn't," she barks. "It's not my fault he looks so much like his father, not that I would even know what the hell his father looked like considering I can't even remember," she sneers, still massaging her temples.
"What do you mean you don't know what he looks like? How can you not remember the man who is the father to your son?" I say, baffled and getting angry. It sounds like she doesn't even care about this son of hers.
"He's no father and it's not my fault. I had a few jobs booked that day," she defends herself.
"Two jobs, what the fuck are y-" I cut myself off there. "Jade...are you...are you a prostitute?" I quickly ask, astonished. She picks her head up and glares at me and I know the answer without her having to say it. "Why? Why would you...You had so much talent and yo-"
"Oh shut it Shapiro. I've had enough people say shit like that to me. I don't need your stupid comments as well. You just don't know what it's like. Naive, perfect, sheltered Robbie has no idea what my life is like," she lashes out, mocking me.
I angrily stammer to find the right words. "I-I...Okay, maybe I don't! But what I do know is you literally just dropped off the face of the earth and now you have a son that doesn't even consider you his mom and that's so painfully miserable that I've only known him for two minutes and can already tell he hates his fucking life! Not only that but you're throwing away your life to prostitution and by the looks and smell of it you're a druggie as well! All with a child!" I scream at her, towering over her and for once in my life I feel like I have more power than her and she can do nothing to stop me. To make me scared of her again.
"That's not true," she blatantly lies.
I just look at her in amazement. "You're so screwed up...Ever since Beck died y-"
"Don't say that," she demands, but I plow on, ignoring her.
"You've been acting like a moron and throwing your life away. Beck is in the past! Get over it!" I wince as I yell at her, painful memories of you replaying themselves in my head. "There's nothing you can do that will bring him back so stop fucking blaming yourself and pull your head out of your ass so th-"
"Get out!" she screams at me, jumping to her feet and pointing to the door.
"No!" I shout back with more volume and more force, also rising.
"Now!" she growls, but I remain strong.
"No! Not until you realize how fucking stupid you're being! It's time to move on and get over him! Stop blaming yourself, Jade! Stop it! If you need to, go get some fucking professional help because you're not only looking after yourself anymore, you're looking after a little kid! Stop being a wuss Jade and take care of someone besides yourself for once and which, by the way, judging from how you look, you haven't been doing a very good job lately!" I hardly knew what I was saying anymore. Just angrily, madly, spewing words, hoping that something would hit home. I couldn't tell where my surge of anger had come from, but I knew for some reason I had to defend the little boy whose mother didn't seem to give a shit about him. Steven's story seemed oddly familiar, like he was living Beck's life, just with different people.
"You have no idea what it's like to try and raise money for a brat who is hardly thankful and when I come home, all stressed out, the last thing I need to see is Steven who looks so much like him!" she tries to counter.
"You said you don't even remember what the father looks like!"
"Not him you bastard! Beck! Everyday I come home to see Steven who looks so much like Beck! Do you know what that's like? No, of course you don't! You don't know what the hell you're talking about so I suggest you mind your own business Shapiro, or you'll get what's coming to you!" she threatens, stepping closer to me until she's right next to me, glaring up at me and trying to get me to back down.
"That's no excuse," I say, voice low and powerful, "and you know that."
"Then why don't you try living with him! See how it is when you're the one coming home to him every night and just remembering every single time you see his fucking face that Beck is gone! That you killed Be-" she abruptly cuts off as she admits to what I have been accusing her of. If possible, her eyebrows slant even further and she crosses her arms across her chest and looks to the side defiantly.
"I would be just fine," I growl back. "Unlike you who can't seem to get a hold of her life long enough to see that she's ruining an innocent child's life!"
"I'm not ruining anyone's life," she spits back icily.
"Steven doesn't even call you mom!"
"Fine. You think you could do better?"
"Uh, I know I can do a shit ton better than you," I shoot back as she walks towards a packed suitcase lying on the ground. She zips it up and pulls it to the doorway. I expect her to just leave without another word, but instead she pauses.
"Then you take him!" she shouts. Then she holds up her middle fingers and mouthes the words 'fuck you' to me and takes off, throwing a random glare at who I can only assume is her mother or Steven as she stomps out of the house, her footsteps sounding more like thunder than actual steps. The door opens and then a loud bang is heard and I flinch.
Shit.
Author's Note: Bet ya' didn't see that one comin' ;) Anyway, short chapter is short, but I couldn't find an appropriate place to break it off without another huge chapter! 'Cause it's all, like, written out on one really really big document because I wasn't originally planning on putting this on FanFiction! In fact, I forgot I had to upload a chapter today! Almost didn't! To bad I missed my usual upload time :(
Anyway, hope ya' liked. If you did, drop a review, and if you didn't, drop some constructive criticism? :)
Hope you all enjoyed! :)