I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry. I was too mean, and I apologize.
I'm sorry.
VIII
眠れないときは そっと手をつないでくれたらうれしい
Three months as the official ruler of the country, and Oikawa has made no attempt to get closer to him aside from some usual courtesy formulas, even when he's yet to encounter Iwaizumi since that night —he didn't even attend his father's burial. Shouyou is afraid of being found out, but then acknowledges how deeply Oikawa loves the samurai.
He sees it in the way Oikawa awaits every night sitting on the corridor that leads to the inner courtyard, in front of their room, all the while watching the landscape change from a pure white to a blurred rain of pink cherry blossoms.
He sees it in his absent eyes every time he looks up at the moon.
He knows no other love apart from the one he feels towards Natsu, so it's normal that every afternoon, at the same hour, Oikawa arises in him a curiosity bordering on fascination.
Shouyou is aware of how idiotic it is, but he firmly believes that it's in those moments, when he lies down to sleep and Oikawa's back comes into view, that he feels some kind of affection for his husband.
And if it was a mere suspicion, barely a fleeting thought, he's certain he cares more than he should the night a shadow approaches Oikawa from the huge garden and, instead of running to kiss him, it kneels before the emperor.
It's not Iwaizumi —it's his replacement. Because Iwaizumi has turned into a true shadow, into air, into dust, into everything that does exist but does not live. He has given his life for the emperor. He has done his duty, and Shouyou thinks about the ignorance of this new samurai that has no idea of how many times he's already stabbed his lord in the first five minutes of being at his service.
Oikawa receives the message calmly, nods, and dismisses the warrior.
Shouyou pretends to be asleep so Oikawa can mourn in peace, tear his clothes and wrap himself in the color white before going to bed, where his body continues shaking because of the sobs no one can hear, let alone comprehend.
Ah, and yet, Shouyou does hear it and Shouyou does comprehend…!
Nevertheless, he keeps quiet until that profane sobbing cannot be heard any longer —now all that reaches his ears is the deep, peaceful breathing of who has surrendered to sleep after an intense grieving.
He opens his eyes then, and absorbs every single detail of Oikawa's face, who's turned towards him in his sleep. He memorizes his indescribable beauty, his immeasurable pain.
Shouyou knows he isn't good enough. For nothing, for anyone. He wasn't good enough for his family, and he's still not good enough for this other family that he has come to understand is very similar to his own in many respects.
And yet he wants to be good enough. God, how he wishes he could be good enough for once…!
However, in spite of not being good enough, self-pity isn't something that defines him, so he does not allow this ugly feeling that resembles a crow to nestle inside his chest.
In its stead, he fills up his chest with the heartwarming feeling that invades him when he takes Oikawa Tooru's hand before closing his eyes.
夜明けは来るよと 囁いていて 嘘でもいいから
When Oikawa opens his eyes, it's already seven in the morning. It's late, remarkably late for the country's emperor, and he doesn't really care because everything around him is warm, while the last thing his clouded mind can remember is the fact last night it wasn't like this, for everything was cold and frightening.
It's warm, so very warm, and he discovers the reason when he moves his hand ―different fingers have come to intertwine with his. There, in those small gaps, there are fingers that sprout like tiny flowers bloomed in one night's time. Still half-asleep, he follows the hand, the arm with his gaze. It doesn't look like Iwaizumi arm…
… and it isn't, of course not, because he's remembered that Iwaizumi is no longer here.
It's the little arm of the being that sleeps soundly by his side. Oikawa Tooru smiles weakly, aware now of the tears remnants on his face, and more than aware of the ones that slide across it once again after digesting in the morning what he had already understood last night.
"Such an idiot."
Once again he closes his eyes ―he is not yet ready to wake up in a world where Iwaizumi no longer exists.
And despite everything, he doesn't mind squeezing Hinata Shouyou's fingers during his lethargy.
In spite of not even knowing that this is his real name.
Reviews, plz? I'm sorry...
-Pequeña