Just Keep On Keeping On: New Shoes, New Toys, New Stories
"Oh chiz! No, don't leave me with the panda! I can't-" My eyes flutter open and I'm met with a small boy's face just inches away from my own. He's sitting on my chest and I find myself struggling to breathe. "Steven! I was sleeping!" I growl at him and am quick to regret it when Steven shies away from me, almost cowering, mumbling a crap ton of apologies. I extend a hand towards him to pull back towards me, but he flinches and rolls backwards a way. "Hey, come on now, I'm sorry buddy," I sincerely apologize. "I didn't mean it, okay?"
Steven nods his head as if he understands. "Come on back over here?" I ask, moving over and patting the bed besides me. He surges forward happily and even crawls into the covers beside me. I blush and scoot over a little, suddenly very uncomfortable seeing as though I've only known the boy for the past twelve hours or so. Steven follows me and moves closer, chortling to himself. Evil thing.
"Where are we?" he asks out of the blue, looking up at me expectantly.
"Um, my apartment. In college, er, school," I reply, ever the smooth talker. He soaks in the new information, confusion apparent on his face.
"School? We came to school? Jade used to go school. Is this school hers?" he genuinely wonders.
"No, this school is mine," I correct him which seems to upset him because he's soon pouting, eyes filling up with tears like he's about to cry. But once again, much to my amazement, he doesn't. Just stares straight ahead.
"When we go back see Jade?" he questions. Oh great. Here we go.
"Um...Well...She's on vacation for a little bit..." That was the best I could do. I mentally kick myself for such a generic, stupid response.
"Oh. Are you sure?" he asks and by the way his face is drooping I can tell he knows I'm lying, even if he doesn't call me out on it.
"Yeah, she'll be back in a few days. In the meantime she wanted you to stay with me so we can have so much fun! We can get ice cream-"
"Jade says ice cweam rots your teeth," he interrupts and I know no matter how much I try to convince him that ice cream is good, or anything for that reason, if Jade says it's bad he will never disobey her seeing his interactions with Jade and the fright etched into his face when she's around. She must have either done something really good or really bad to get such a young child to obey her without hesitation, and seeing as though Jade wasn't a good mother I suspect the latter.
"Hey, why do you call your mom Jade?" I change the topic easily.
"Jade says I'm not allowed to call her mommy," he gloomily informs me, casting his eyes to the side, clearly upset.
"Why's that?"
"I dunno know, but sometimes I hear her talkin' to peoples and she says stuff like I'm not s'pposed to be hers and I'm not s'pposed to be here and this was all mistake," he tells me strongly, no hint of quivering in his voice or sorrow apparent in his stature any longer. He just appears cold, empty, and hollow, like all the life was sucked out of him. Knowing Jade, I wouldn't be to shocked if she actually was a demon and stole the poor child's soul right from his body.
"Well I'm sure she doesn't mean it. She's probably talking about someone else," I try to console him even though he doesn't seem to be needing anyone to cheer him up or sympathize with him. Although, I figure he's just putting up a cold front just as was Jade's specialty. I see the family resemblance here, granted I'm not sure if that's good or bad.
"She's not," he says quietly, looking down at the sheets. I pretend I don't hear him and swiftly hop out of bed. He doesn't seem surprised by my sudden movement and doesn't even look up from the sheets, almost like he expected me to leave at some point. In an effort to bring back some of the happiness I had before Steven told me about his life, I head off to the kitchen, ready to make some breakfast.
"Is there anything you want for breakfast?" I call loudly and Steven responds that whatever is fine and he doesn't have a favorite. I could have predicated that. "You know Steven it's okay if you want something. You can say it. I asked anyway, didn't I? You don't have to obey Jade's ridiculous rules. She's not even here," I scoff which finally spurs him to answer that he would like some french toast. Hard, but doable. After all, I was pretty good at cooking if I do say so myself.
Soon after he waddles into the kitchen and takes a seat at the table, rubbing at his eyes.
"So you packed your clothes to change into, right?" I double check and he gives me a blank look. "What? You don't have clothes?" I joke and he shakes his head very seriously.
"They all gone."
"They're all gone?" I snort, doing that sideways smirk thing I'm told I do quite often when I don't quite grasp something or think something is silly. I like to call it my signature smile and one day maybe I'll send a picture of me doing the side smirk into a modeling agency. I'm sure they'd like that.
"Yes. Jade cut them up with scissys," he shrugs helplessly.
"Why'd she do that?" I push even though I know in my gut that whatever his answer is I will not like it.
"She came home one day smellin' funny and she gotted mad at me 'cause I used uncorrect grammar," he admits bashfully, shifting uncomfortably in his chair. I wasn't sure how to respond to that so I just said oh and continued cooking until Steven piped up again. "You know, she not all bad."
"Is that so?"I respond conversationally.
"Yeah. She can be so nice like when she sayed to me I look like Beck Olibur and that I'm so handsome," Steven confides and even puffs his chest out a little to appear more...manly? Buff? "Robbie, who Beck? She always talk so much 'bout him and I don't even know who he is," Steven tells me.
"Beck? Well Beck was a very talented, very smart, very nice and even brave boy she loved very much who looked a lot like you," I inform him, sure that this bit of information won't hurt to tell him, although I wasn't sure how into depth I wanted to go into Beck's and his mother's relationship.
"Is Beck my dadda?" he asks giddily, excited at the prospect of having a father like the man described.
"No...He's not," I say reluctantly.
"Why not?"
"He...He died a very long time ago...Your mother misses him very much. And I do to. Beck and I went to the same high school as your mother, did you know that?"
"Nope, I didn't!" he announces almost proudly. I chuckle at his childishness. When he wasn't in that dreary, old house he seemed almost like a normal kid. Almost like his mother wasn't the queen of everything sinister and cruel.
"We had some good times," I recall fondly, flipping the bread in my pan over.
"What else was Beck like?" Steven questions, now sitting on his knees and leaning forward as if that would help him to hear better.
"Beck was...Beck was like everyone's favorite older brother. He was popular, he was kind, he was complex. All the guys wanted to be friends with him and all the girls wanted to go out with him. He was, essentially, perfect, despite being from Canada," I relay and this seems to please Steven who sits back down on his butt.
"I think I like Beck," Steven openly declares, eyes shining and a broad smile.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah, I think I do."
.
The days pass quickly as I juggle between my college courses, my job, and spending time with Steven. Lucky for me, the kid knows how to take care of himself when I'm not around. He tells me it's because he was left alone a lot to fend for himself. Apparently Jade was prone to just up and leaving for the day and he informs me that she's been gone for four days before.
Jade.
I need to find her. I can't keep Steven here. I have enough on my plate as it is and I don't exactly need a kid to burden me and plus, when I walk around the campus with him, I think people think he's my son and that for certain is something I don't need. Ugh. Stupid Jade leaving me with her kid that looks like a tiny replica of Beck.
I find she is right. Coming home after a particularly stressful class or a harsh day from work and seeing his face is tough. It wears on me. You know, I haven't made many friends since I've come to college. No, I'm considered weird here. Not normal. When I sit in class, I've had some people throw papers at me and I feel like I'm back in high school. Each paper ball that hits me painfully reminds me I really have no friends. Not anyone like Beck at least and no one to vent my anger to. Needless to say, seeing Steven is like a slap to the face, taunting me that Beck will never come back even though this kid resembles him so much.
I need to find Jade. Sadly, it's going to be hard to find someone who doesn't want to be found and even goes by a fake name.
"Vroom, vroom, vroom!" Steven hollers, jolting me out of my thoughts, running around the apartment with his battered old plane held high above his head and some new pairs of clothes on that I took him to buy the other day. After all, he can't just sit in his dirty clothes all the time, that's disgusting. He makes a quick turn and comes towards me. "Mayday, mayday! A Robbie is in the way!" he shouts and then runs at me as fast as he can, but I'm quick to sweep him off his feet and twirl, holding him high in the air as I do so before setting him back down. He giggles uncontrollably and I can't help but smile at how much he's come out of his shell since I first met him.
"Yay! The plane didn't crash!" he cheers, jumping up and down for joy.
"Yeah, but it should have," I faintly remark, mostly to myself, but he overhears and frowns at me, his bouncing ceasing.
"What do you mean?"
"Just that...uh...Your plane...It's...You need some new toys," I finally stammer because it's true. His toys were so worn out and so damn old. No kid should have to play with them and they looked like they were going to snap at any second. "You know what? Why don't we go right now?" I throw out there since I wasn't doing anything and had nothing planned for the majority of the day.
"Really?" he squeals and when I nod he lunges forward and grabs my legs in a tight hug. I pat his head and then lightly push him off of me.
"Let's go right now," I tell him, heading towards the front door and grabbing my keys off of a knob near the door. I toss the door open and track towards my car, Steven not far behind. I jump in the front seat and he hops in the back, fully aware that if he even thought about sitting in the front I would refuse to take him anywhere until he moved. After all, safety first. I would much rather have an alive Steven than a dead one.
I ignite the car and pull out of the parking lot, on the way to a Toys R Us that was close by. The whole time Steven and I make small talk, discussing what new types of toys he would like, although conveniently avoiding the topic of prices. I was a little worried because I had already spent a bunch of money on his clothes and rent was coming up soon as well as tuition for next semester, but toys can't cost that much.
I pulled into the Toys R Us parking lot and jogged after Steven as he pulled my hand to get me to move faster. When we entered the store and he dashed over to a toy sitting on the shelf, I realized just how wrong I was about prices. Toys were expensive. Really expensive, which I found absolutely ridiculous considering they were just hunks of stupid plastic.
Steven grabbed the toy he was admiring, but tentatively put it back when he saw the displeasure I was failing to mask. He quickly strode over to the area that contained small action figures and picked a simple one out. "Cans I have this one?" he asks, holding it up for me to see and I want to say yes and be done with it, but staring at his expression filled with such grief and such misery, I broke down against my better judgement. I was a sap. I was by no means a man.
"Steven...you don't have to pick out the cheapest one...Go head, grab the toys you really want and I'll buy as many of them as I can," I assure the toddler who looks up at me with apprehension.
"You sure?"
"Yeah. I'm sure," I give him permission and just like that we're off again and he picks out six or so toys. I buy them all for him which totals a hundred or so bucks. Why. Why am I such a pushover? However, he's happy, so I soon forget the cost of the toys and when we're home, I sit down and play with him until it's dinner time. Then I have to leave for my job as a bartender and tell him to be on his best behavior and not to tear the apartment up while I'm gone. He already knows the rules about what to do if Ethan randomly shows up (since I can never be sure when he might come back, but somehow, mysteriously, his rent is always paid) so I don't bother repeating them.
I drive off to my job and spend a couple of boring hours there, filling cups with alcohol for the mindless idiots that are drinking themselves to death and cleaning the cups with a rag that I usually keep on my shoulder. I hate this job. It's awful to watch sober people taking advantage of the drunk people and watching idiots get into a fight over something stupid. But I never step out from behind the bar. This table is the only thing that keeps me from the riffraff and wilderness of the club beyond. Mostly I keep quiet, even when my fellow workers talk to me. I only do this for the money and the tips. If I could get another job, I would.
Slowly, the hours drag on, but finally at around 11:00 or so I'm able to take off and go back home. I expect Steven to be sleeping (he always puts himself to bed when it's 8:30 even when I try to convince him to stay up later) so when I enter the house I do so silently, maneuvering around it in the dark. However, when I go into the bedroom, I hear sobbing. I scramble over to the light switch and flip it on to see Steven sitting on the bed, clutching his old toys so tightly that his hands are turning white. When he sees me he immediately bites his lip and rubs at his eyes.
"Steven..."
"I...I sorry," he's quick to apologize and looks down at the ground. "I won't cry no more, I sorry," he repeats before I rush over to him and sit down beside him, pulling him into a tight hug. He sniffles and twists my shirt in his small fists.
"Buddy, what's wrong? What happened?...Ethan didn't come back did he!" I exclaim in alarm, looking around the room for any sort of evidence. But I find nothing out of the ordinary except his new toys strewn across the floor.
"I...I miss...I miss mom- Jade," he cries into my chest. I felt a pang of distress for Steven, but really, this was only to be expected. The kid could only go for so long without his mother. Really it had only been a matter of time before he realized that Jade wasn't coming back for a long, long time unless I could find her.
"I know, I know," I sympathize, rubbing his back comfortingly as he continues to hiccup and cry.
"When is s-s-she coming b-back? I w-want her h-here," he begs me, gasping for breath. This is it. It was time I told him the truth. There was no putting it off any longer.
"I don't...Jade...She's...I don't think she's coming back for a long while," I say softly which only causes him to cry harder.
"W...W-Why?" he bellows, twisting my shirt more.
"Well she has some...issues to deal with," I try to console him but feel him shaking his head.
"N-No...Why...Why doesn't she l-l-like me?" he pleads with me and my next words hitch in my throat and I feel my mouth going dry. I'm not sure how to answer his question. I'm not even sure I know the answer, but I reply anyway with more lies. I feel horrible. All he wants is answers. All he needs is the truth.
"She likes you Steven...She's just having to figure out something complicated right now and she thought it would be best if you didn't know," I try, but my words falter and he knows. He knows I'm lying. He knows that his mother doesn't want him. That's why she took off without him, leaving him someone he barely knew. Hell, she didn't even know me that well.
We stay in this position for a time while Steven huffs and hiccups and tries to regain control of himself until eventually he speaks up.
"Robbie...?" he whispers.
Silence. Then, "Yeah?"
"What...What are mommies 'ppose to be like?"
"I...Don't worry about that right now."
"Jade's...not a normal mommy, is she?"
Another silence.
"No."
"What 'bout...What 'bout daddies? What are they like?"
"Daddies?...I...Well, they're brave men who would do anything for the ones they love. They protect their family and they're smart and nice and strong. They hug their kids when they have nightmares and get rid of all the monsters and bad guys," I describe to him, using the generic descriptions every good kindergarten teacher would say.
"Like Beck?"
"Yeah. Like Beck."
Steven twiddles with his thumbs, finally calming down and eventually he yawns then crawls off my lap and burrows under the covers of his bed. "Robbie will you make the munsters and bad guys go 'way?" he asks and I can't help but smile at the adorable way he says 'monsters'. He pulls his covers up to his chin and looks at me imploringly.
"Of course," I promise and bounce to my feet. I walk to the middle of the room before screaming out my threat to anyone who tries to break into the apartment. "Argh! I will get you, you good for nothing bad guys!" This gets Steven to chuckle and I flash a smile at him before going over to my dresser and searching for my pajamas so that I could go to bed as well.
"Robbie?"
"Hm?"
"Thanks."
"No problem, bud. No problem at all."
Author's Note: You know maybe I should change the characters because it's more Robbie and Jade now...Anyway, hope you enjoyed and if you did drop a review? If you didn't then feel free to tell me why!
On an off hand note, did anyone see that video that was added to on Valentine's Day? 'Cause I mean oh hot DAMN that boy was smokin'.
Any who, hope you enjoyed! :)