Moonlit Wishes
Book III, Part I
Well he must be the biggest pansy alive on the planet after baring his pitiful soul to Samantha, EJ thought to himself in disgust while driving away from her leaving their house in the dust; he hadn't wanted to reveal those feelings to Samantha. The letters he had written her had been enough, hadn't they? What had compelled him to pour out his heart once again to the one woman who could and probably would use those things he said to her against him sometime in the future?
Because apparently he was a glutton for punishment and he knew without even looking he was going to have to deal with a terrible case of blue balls to prove that very fact. Hell Samantha had held his balls in a vice for as long as he could remember. He doubted she even knew the full extent of her hold over him and hopefully she never would if he could only keep his big mouth shut.
He had gotten as far to the city limits sign of Salem and was prepared to blow past it and leave town once more, this time to never return, but he knew deep down in his heart that he couldn't leave the children behind and truth be told he couldn't leave Samantha either. He swerved the car over to the roadside just past the city limit sign causing gravel to spray by his sudden stop of the vehicle.
Somehow no matter how hard he was trying to fight it, all roads led back to Samantha. Tonight had proven to him though while his heart still yearned for her that he finally listening to his head which insisted if he wanted to find some kind of peace and sanity in this life then he should let her go completely.
And he hadn't let her go completely; he'd been lying to himself all this time.
He thought he had let her go, told her as much in those letters he had let her go so she could find what she was searching for and then it hit him like a ton of bricks subconsciously while composing those letters to her he must have been hoping that somehow she would see he was the one she had been searching for all along. That he was the man who could make her happy.
He wasn't a naïve fool, he knew they were players; both of them were masters when it came to playing mind games on other people, especially upon each other. How many times had each one of them tried to up the other only to fail miserably when the inevitable truth came out no matter how hard each one of them tried to hide it from the other and the shit hit the fan?
Maybe it was due to the simple fact that he didn't get off on the mind games anymore, he just wanted Samantha to want him as much as he had wanted her, and deep down he knew that he still wanted her for all of his protests to the contrary.
He reached into the glove apartment of his car and withdrew a pack of cigarettes. He had sworn years ago to give up the habit, it was a terrible one to have, one no one even knew about him or at least he didn't think they did beyond maybe catching him smoking an occasional cigar, but he kept a pack hidden in case of emergencies and telling Samantha no when he could have taken what she was offering up to him surely counted as an emergency.
He stepped out of the car taking the pack of cigarettes with him, tamping on the bottom of the pack to release one of them out for him, and then leaned back into the car to fish out his lighter and when he finally found it, he brought it to life watching the flame flicker in the darkness as he lit the cigarette taking a deep draw from it while the acrid smoke filled into his lungs.
Hopefully this would calm his nerves because nothing short of jacking off later was going to relieve the pressure in his balls from taking the high road and saying no to Samantha. He finally finished his cigarette and tossed the butt of it in the gravel, crunching the last burning embers into the stones with his shoe. Most times he was more earth conscious and wouldn't had tossed the used cigarette, but tonight his mind was too troubled to think of such things.
He stood there for a while, listening to the night sounds and watching the sky wondering what he should do. Could he go back to the house and act like nothing had happened between them? He really needed a stiff drink, next thing if he kept up this line of thinking he'd be writing lyrics to love songs and composing sonnets proclaiming eternal love for a woman whom had never reciprocated those feelings to him at all.
Oh god he really did still have it bad for her which was exactly the last thing on this earth he needed. Where had his resolve gone to stay strong and resist the force of nature that was Samantha Brady?
If the ache in his lower regions was any indication apparently it had gone south. Just when he was sure he didn't have much of a conscience when it reared its head it chose the most inopportune times to do so.
Maybe he should move out, but the thoughts of leaving his children even if it was just across town were enough to make him want to wretch right there amidst the dirt and gravel. For once he knew the children were happy and he didn't want them to think they had done anything wrong to make him leave.
No, he'd offer a compromise to Samantha. He would try to do better to steer clear of her so that they wouldn't have a repeat performance of tonight's catastrophe. Somehow when and if either of them found someone else they would just have to try to make it work so that the children wouldn't suffer. Those sweet innocent babies had been drug through the wringer emotionally from the battles he and Samantha had waged against one another over the years and he was determined not to do that ever again to them.
He just hated that when he had tried to be with other women it just turned out to be cheap hook ups in which he used them in half-hearted attempts to forget his feelings for Samantha. Apparently Samantha Brady had ruined him for anyone else, but knowing this pertinent bit of information didn't mean he was going to become a monk again like he tried before when he couldn't have her or plead for her to give him one more chance to prove how good they could be together. His days of begging for someone to love him were long over.
Surely he could find some kind of diversion to take his mind off of her. There had to be something or someone to help him get past the stark realization that he couldn't get Samantha out of his system no matter how hard he tried or he really would go insane if he wasn't already on the road there anyway.
He took in his surroundings with him standing out in the freezing cold when he could have been at home in bed probably appreciating the afterglow of having what he bet would have been mind-blowing amazing sex with Samantha by now he was pretty sure he was traveling the road to crazy town.
Yep, he was crazy his body shouted to him letting him know he would pay for not taking Samantha up on her offer. In what universe did you turn down having sex with the woman you loved when she was practically begging you to take her?
EJ guessed the universe in which he wanted to be loved even if he wasn't sure if he deserved to be loved after the kind of life he had led up to this point. Being a cold hearted ruthless bastard sometimes had its drawbacks. But he hadn't always been that way, Samantha having his children had shown him he could put someone else's needs before his own even if his father had taught him not to let anyone drag you down with the chains of love.
Nope, you did the right thing tonight his mind reiterated to his body. You don't need to settle for less than being loved for who you are flaws and all.
Oh no, EJ thought in horror surely that hopeless romantic wasn't trying to claw its way back up to the surface? EJ had assured himself that part of his ragged soul was dead and buried, locked away for good after suffering all the hurts that love could inflict upon him. Writing those letters to Samantha were supposed to be the last showing of that love sick fool who had believed that one day someone was going to love him as much as he loved them.
He looked up to the stars and started to make a wish upon them only to stop himself before he could complete the thought. He wasn't going to do this foolish dreaming anymore; he could be strong enough to hold out for what he wanted.
He was never going to settle for less ever again, he just wasn't.