A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter - you seriously make my day with your comments! Thank you also to Rosalie and BK2U, who both kindly helped me with this chapter at different points in its lifecycle.
This either had to be one long chapter or two short ones, so I opted to split it. On the bright side, that means you get this piece sooner. :-)
Chapter 32: Tris – Choosing Day, Part 1
Most of the time, we stay in Tobias' apartment. As a corner unit, it's more private, and I suppose we feel more at home there, since it's where we were first together that way.
But we stayed in my apartment last night, so that's where we are when I wake up the morning of Choosing Day. Not that it's called by that name anymore. People can join and change factions at any time now, so there's no longer a day when all sixteen-year-olds make a choice that controls the rest of their lives.
Still, this day will always have special meaning for me, and as I sit up sluggishly, feeling Tobias stir beside me, I find myself remembering how this day started for me two years ago. That was the last time I woke up in the same house as my parents and brother. It was the last time we were all together as a family.
Heat starts behind my eyes at the thought, but I blink it away as I reach for the photo album that I still keep by the bed. The incredible gift that Tobias made for me during our year apart.
As I do so often, I flip slowly through the pages, lingering on each image of my parents. I wish there was a picture of them together, or of our whole family, but no matter how much Tobias searched, he wasn't able to find that. Nevertheless, I am so grateful to be able to look at their photos at all, since I had none before Tobias tracked these down.
My fingers are lightly tracing my father's face when Tobias sits up groggily beside me. I don't look at him, knowing that there are still tears in my eyes, but I'm sure he knows how I'm feeling, anyway. Silently, he wraps an arm around my waist, holding me close as he looks at the image with me.
"Did you ever meet my father?" I ask softly, speaking past the thickness in my throat. It's been so long since I saw Dad alive.
"No," Tobias murmurs, pulling me even closer in a comforting gesture. "I saw him sometimes, but we never talked. I wish we had."
I nod, letting the tears trickle slowly down my face now. "He was a good father. A good person."
Tobias brushes his free hand gently over my hair. It's meant as a soothing gesture, but it reminds me so much of Dad that it's painful.
"He would have liked you," I manage to whisper.
My boyfriend leans in, kissing me gently on the cheek.
"Did your mother?" he asks softly, his lips right by my ear. "When we met on Visiting Day?"
A low chuckle comes out of me despite the tears. "She thought you were handsome."
I can feel him smile against my skin. "That doesn't really answer my question."
"She didn't say much else about you." I turn a page in my album so I can gaze at her face. "But yes, I think she liked you."
We're silent for a moment as we both look at the photo in front of us.
"Do you think there's anything after this life?" I ask quietly.
Tobias hesitates, holding me close to him as he considers his answer. "Yes," he finally says. "I do. I wasn't sure for a long time, but now…I feel that way."
I turn my head enough to see his face. His expression is serious and gentle at the same time.
"My parents always taught me to believe in God," he continues after a moment, "but Marcus portrayed him as a fierce and punishing father figure. As someone to be feared." He gives a wry smile. "And I had too much of that in my life as it was."
He clears his throat. "So, after I settled into Dauntless, and started to feel free of my father, I decided I didn't really want the vision of God he pushed on me, either. And I guess I lost faith for a while."
"What made you change your mind again?" I ask curiously. Whatever it was, I could use it in my life right now.
"Honestly?" His lips lift a little. "The way I feel about you." His eyes are dark and filled with love. "I can't imagine that ever ending. Even with death."
My mouth opens as if to respond, but there are no words in me, so I let it close again silently.
"Think about it," he says softly. "You didn't stop loving your parents because they died, did you?"
My answer is immediate. "No, of course not."
"Well, do you really think they stopped loving you?"
I stare at him as all the questions and uncertainties in me come together slowly, into one coherent form. As I realize that he's right. And I shake my head, just a little.
"No," I murmur. "I'm sure they didn't."
He lifts a shoulder, giving me a small smile. "So, if that can continue beyond death, then why can't the rest of us? Or at least the most important parts of us?"
His eyes hold mine, and in that moment, I don't think I have ever loved him more. And it's as if that love connects beyond us, binding me to my parents and to God and to everyone I've ever lost. It's an incredible feeling.
Leaning up, I kiss Tobias lightly, on the lips.
"You're brilliant," I murmur. "You know that?"
His smile widens. "I do," he says teasingly. "After all, I was smart enough to choose you."
I smile, too, as I lean back into his arm, snuggling close to him. "I choose you, too, Tobias." His warmth spreads through me as I add softly, "Always."
I don't feel like shadowing anyone at work today, so after Tobias leaves for his job, I opt to retrace my route from two years ago, starting in the Abnegation sector.
At first, I plan to walk through the house I grew up in, but when I arrive, I can tell that someone else lives there now. At least, it seems so, judging by how tidy and well-kept the yard is.
So, I stand on the sidewalk in front of it for a while, debating whether or not to knock on the door. It's probably occupied by an Abnegation family, and they would certainly be selfless enough to let me wander through it if I asked. But I don't want to see their pitying expressions, or hear the type of comfort that my parents would have offered.
Instead, I gaze at the windows, remembering the last dinner I ate with my family. We talked about Marcus, of all things, and the Erudite article accusing him of cruelty. I wish it had been a kinder conversation.
Eventually, I move on, taking the bus to the Hub as I did two years ago. I remember holding Caleb's arm for strength as I entered the building, still trying to figure out what faction I would choose, and if I would abandon my family. I was so sure then that my brother would choose Abnegation.
Once I'm inside, I climb the stairs – the same twenty flights as last time – remembering how different it was to run down them afterwards, with the Dauntless.
My heart beats quickly when I enter the room where the Choosing Ceremony was held. It was so terrifying to stand in here, knowing that I had to decide the rest of my life in a single moment. Now, that seems like an impossible decision to inflict on anyone, let alone someone who still felt as young as I did that day.
Slowly, I walk through the room, finding the spot where I stood with Caleb and remembering the last words my parents said to us before they took their seats. My eyes move to where they sat – to where they watched us choose to leave them.
The tears threaten to fall again, but I blink them away, turning my gaze instead to where the bowls were. For so long, I felt like my choice led to my parents' deaths. After all, if they hadn't been helping me, they wouldn't have died the way they did. But now, standing in this room, I know more than ever that that simply isn't true.
If I had chosen Abnegation, I never would have learned to defend myself, or others. More importantly, I never would have met Tobias. And we never would have been able to stop the simulation. Or the rest of the war that Jeanine waged. Or NUSA's attack. My parents would have died in one of those battles, along with me and Tobias and the rest of the city.
The realization shifts something inside me, and I turn back to where my parents sat that day, feeling as if they're with me now, and are supporting me this time. Stepping forward, I imagine making the same choice again today – dropping my blood onto the Dauntless coals and then joining my new faction.
I leave the room as I did the last time, but with an imaginary crowd of screaming Dauntless this time. Running down the stairs and through the streets, I try to remember which of the other initiates I saw. I didn't know any of them then, but now I picture Will's celery green eyes as he asked me if we needed to jump on the train.
It's much easier to leap onto it this time, even though I don't take it often anymore. I half-expect to find people in the car, but it's empty, and I stare around, picturing the scared and energetic faces that surrounded me before. That was when I met Christina.
She and I jumped off the train together – my first time landing on the roof of the Dauntless compound. I imagine her hand in mine as I launch myself into the air today, landing much more easily than I did two years ago.
For a second, I look around the roof, grinning wildly from the energy of being back here. But then a lurch goes through me as I remember that a girl died that day. One of the Dauntless-born. I don't even remember her name.
The thought subdues me, and I walk slowly over to the ledge where we had to jump yet again that day – into the unknown. A half-smile lifts my mouth as I remember how Peter taunted me. He'll never be one of my favorite people, but he and I have come so far since that beginning.
For a long moment, I stand on the ledge, trying to feel the way I did the first time. But it's impossible to achieve that effect, since I now know that it's a safe jump. So, ultimately, I simply spread my arms and leap, letting myself enjoy the fall.
A crow of joy escapes unbidden as I surge toward the ground, feeling the darkness surround me in the moments before I hit the net.
The landing is as hard as I remember, but I laugh when I bounce up and down, feeling the thrill of adrenaline as I look up at the building above me.
I'm startled when a hand reaches toward me, offering to help me out of the net. I grab it automatically, using the firm grip to pull myself across the net and onto the wooden platform. As I stand, my eyes meet a pair of dark blue ones. A peculiar shade of blue.
A smirk playing on his lips, Tobias sets his hand on my back.
"Welcome to Dauntless," he murmurs.
A/N: I'm aiming for Wednesday to post the second part of this. In the meantime, please let me know what you thought of this chapter. I know I say this a lot, but I really do appreciate your comments very much. They encourage me to carve out time to write and to post, and they make me feel good. I like that. :-)
By the way, a reader let me know about a new petition to request a different ending for the "Divergent" movies. If you're inclined to sign something like that (and it's fine if you're not), you can find the link on my tumblr page (windchimedwriter dot tumblr dot com - replace each " dot " with a period).