Moonlit Wishes
Book III, Part XVII
EJ lowered himself into the bath Samantha had drawn for him before she had quickly left his bedroom to go prepare him something to eat while he tried not to think of her doing anything nice for him. He really didn't deserve for her to be nice to him, especially after acting like such a jerk towards her.
He sighed, even if his head was hurting from what he guessed was due to him contracting a very bad cold, he shouldn't have been on the defensive with her. He had to admit Samantha was taking everything he was throwing at her with a calmness he hadn't ever expected to see from her.
Well he knew she was slightly pissed off at him when he had dropped his towel right in front of her eyes, but sometimes he just couldn't help himself. Even if he had tried his best to keep his distance from her, he still loved to tease her, to see her blush from something he said or in this case did by dropping the towel that covered at the exact moment she had turned around to inform him that his bath was ready.
Well maybe pissed off was a good thing for her to be because Samantha being mad at him was so much easier to deal with then her being all nice and concerned about his well being.
Liked she cared about him when she clearly did not.
Well he thought she didn't but lately her actions were proving him wrong because sometimes it really felt like she cared.
He sunk down lower into the bathtub, trying to get that nagging feeling to go away. Where was his strong resolve not to resort back to that foolish part of him that still believed in love?
He was such an idiot. He still loved her because if he wasn't in love with her he would have taken her on the floor earlier tonight without a second's hesitation. No his conscience was in control these days whether Samantha would ever believe it or not.
It was lust, not love on her part because if she loved him she would have said it earlier when she had the chance, which of course she didn't and that was problematic for roughly a billion reasons or so not to get involved with her ever again.
Complicated = Samantha Gene Brady and he'd do well to remember that equation in future dealings with her.
Not that he had any room to talk about morality on any kind of plateau, Samantha couldn't help it if she wasn't in love with him, anymore than he could help not being able to stop loving her despite all his protests to the contrary.
At least he didn't try to do bad things to manipulate situations to get her close to him anymore he thought as he shifted slightly which made the now tepid water slosh a bit in the tub. Then he looked around, noted he was naked in the tub while she was downstairs in the kitchen preparing god only knew what for him to eat when he didn't have an appetite for food at all. He didn't even have to look down to know what part of him was hungry and it was all for her, not for any kind of food.
He wanted her still and wondered if he just let his guard down she might come to see that she loved him too.
Then he shook his head at the absurdity of that thought.
The water cooled and he was able to get out of the tub without slipping even though he was still a slight bit woozy by sudden movements. Luckily he managed to dry off and find some clean boxers to put on as he made it onto the bed prior to her return.
He found some kind of solace knowing Samantha wouldn't have to help him like he was some kind of invalid. He didn't like showing any kind of weakness around anyone, especially her.
He leant back against the pillows closing his eyes momentarily and when he heard her approach. He opened his eyes slightly to see a tray of some kind of soup, a glass of water and of course the bottle of aspirin.
"Are you feeling better? I was thinking I might have to haul you out of the tub myself when I returned, but I see you did it all on your own." Sami stated in an overly bright voice
"Yay me," I quipped, wondering if my smart ass remarks would ever stop, but apparently me feeling bad doesn't kick in the filter I need when I speak to Samantha.
"At least you can't run away from me here." She went to the other side of the bed, carefully distributing her weight on the bed so as not to topple over the tray she had placed before me.
There is a part of me that wishes I could run away right now. I mean I can totally see why that was such a great option for Samantha in the past because apparently it really does help when you are trying to avoid any kind of in depth conversation, but she isn't going to let me get off the hook that easily.
"Why are you doing this Samantha? I can take care of myself. I have been alone for a very long time and this just isn't necessary."
"Can I not care about what happens to you EJ? The thinking you are alone is just plain BS. Surely you know by now that we are a family and family takes care of one another."
For a moment I am scared she is channeling my father with her talk of family. Where is the woman who was determined to shoot me in cold blood and leave without a second thought as to my well being?
Apparently not in this room because at the moment Samantha really looks like she is worried about me.
"I can see you don't believe me, but wait right here. I have to get something for you and then I'll be back."
Like I feel like getting up and leaving my bed after I finally got situated in it. She knows that I feel terrible, yet she is determined to tell me something whether or not I want to hear it.
Somehow this woman can always make me do things I don't want to do, but hasn't that always been the case with us from the start?
As I watch her retreating figure I wonder what she thinks she can possibly say to convince me that she is my family.
I don't have to wait long to find out though because she returns rather quickly with an envelope in her hand.
"I know it is a few hours until Christmas is officially here, but I want you to have this now or rather you can have it after you take some aspirin." She stated firmly as she removed the tray away from the bed, satisfied that I had eaten at least some of the soup she brought me.
Reluctantly I take the proffered aspirin along with a sip of water and hand the glass back to her wishing she would just go, but I can tell by the determined look upon her face that she won't go until she's finally had her say.
"This is for you."
It's an envelope with my full name addressed on the outside of it. There is a moment of dread building up inside of me because I really have no idea what is inside and that worries me.
Samantha crawled back on my bed, facing me with expectant eyes. "Are you going to open it or not?"
What choice do I have? If I don't open it she will badger me until I do.
I am careful not to tear the envelope and then within a few short seconds I see it, this present Samantha is giving to me and I really can't believe what my eyes are seeing. My mind must be playing tricks on me and I reread it for a second time just to make sure of exactly what it is that I am looking at.
It's a legal document stating that as of December 25th, I will be sharing joint custody of our children with her, along with giving me power of attorney in the event that something were to happen to her for any decisions that might need to be made for the children, each of them, not only Johnny and Sydney, but Will and Allie too.
Samantha is giving me back something I never expected, she is in fact giving me back my family legally even though I have known for quite some time even if I hadn't wanted to admit it that she had given them back to me as soon as I had walked back in the door of what now feels like our home, the first place I can actually call home since I was a young boy living with my mother and Edmund in England.
"Merry Christmas EJ," she began apparently not knowing exactly what to make of my silence because frankly I am stunned.
"Samantha, I don't know what to say."
"Thank you would be a start," she shrugged her shoulders as she continued to look at my face.
I carefully place the documents on the nightstand beside the bed almost afraid that I am dreaming, surely this can't be happening and I'll wake up momentarily to find out this has all been a figment of my imagination.
I can feel her shifting closer to me on the bed, yet I'm not sure I can look her in the eye since mine are threatening to tear up.
"EJ, you know you've changed my life right? If you hadn't of had the courage to write me those letters I would of probably still be stuck in my rut of a life trying to please everyone else, well everyone but me."
I still can't look at her, this can't be real, it can't be.
Then I feel her bring her fingers under my chin, subtly turning my face to hers.
"Yours letters made me want better for our children's lives, to expect more from my own life and they forced me to take a long hard look at who I truly was and I have to tell you I didn't like what I saw, but it helped me to make some much needed changes in my life. Can't you see that by knowing you, you've changed me forever too?"
I shake my head in negation, and then added, "All I've done is wreck your life time and time again."
"No, you've brought me back to life. EJ can't you see that?"
"All I can see is that you've decided to change your song and dance where I'm concerned. In case you've forgotten we've done terrible, horrible, unspeakable things to one another and now you're telling me you're grateful to me for changing your life? It doesn't make sense Samantha."
"We're getting along with each other now EJ. You know we are things are different between us this time around."
"Yes, Samantha, we have managed to get along for a few months but how long will it be before we're back to trying to destroy one another?"
"You say that like it couldn't be possible for us to continue to get along with one another, like we don't care about each other, but we do. This pull we feel toward one another isn't diminishing, if anything it is growing with each passing day."
She still won't admit a smidgen of love for me though and then I laugh bitterly and it sounds like breaking glass all around us. "You aren't seriously using these past few months as an example of when things went well for us, are you? We're just making nice for the sake of the children, that's all."
"Things have been good and you know it. Why do you only want to remember the bad times?"
"Because there are so many more of them for us, or have you gotten a sudden case of amnesia? I'm a still a DiMera; you're a die in the wool Brady."
Her face screws up in a slight frown and I can tell she's holding on to this pipe dream of hers by a thread. She may have done this out of some misguided sense of goodwill that comes along with having a Christmas spirit, but I know she hasn't forgotten the past and put it all behind her. God knows I haven't, not by a long shot.
"Remember all the times I outright lied to you, the times I made you feel like you had no choice but to do what I wanted you to do even if you were so against it? The fights, the ugly words and recriminations against one another or how about when I made you believe Sydney was dead when I had her safely hidden all along and played you like a fiddle?"
She takes a deep breath and then speaks quietly... "You weren't yourself, you were upset with me for choosing to be with Rafe, for my idiotic actions of trying to push you out of our children's lives even though you were and are a good father, you didn't mean to do all those things to me."
"Oh, I meant to, Samantha. I meant to hurt you. Making you think your child was dead after the torment you went through after Grace died was acceptable collateral damage to me. Don't you remember what set all this off? You're lying to be about being pregnant with my child because I wasn't fit to be a father. All DiMera's are evil, every last one of us. I'm no saint and never will be one."
I can see my words have finally hit their intended mark and no doubt she'll be running back to have this legal document she has given to me revoked before the year's end. Her face starts to change right before my eyes and I'm terrified that she will begin to cry and I'll lose my cruel bravado I've brought out in a last ditch effort to stop this insanity that has made her believe that I have changed.
I can see her fighting to maintain control, to not go off on me because this is something I am well familiar with, the moment she realizes she might care for me until I prove her wrong because ultimately I'm still that selfish bastard who wants her and is willing to do whatever it takes to have her even if it might not be the right thing for her.
I hate doing this. I absolutely hate it. But she has to see. She has to understand that I'm not who she thinks I am. I can never be what she needs in a man. I will disappoint her if she foolishly puts her faith in me; I've never been the knight in shining armor that she has dreamt of having her entire life. Hell I'm not even close.
"That's not fair, EJ, all those things happened a long time ago. So much has changed between us since then…"
"Have you forgotten how even after I begged you on my hands and knees to forgive me on our wedding day when you found out the truth I was behind Sydney's kidnapping? Don't you remember telling me anything you had felt for me I had killed it by my actions? That you hadn't ever loved me? I will never, ever forget those words. Nothing in my whole life has hurt quite as much. Nothing compares to having that last bit of hope that was taken from me as I contemplated killing myself when you left taking the children away with you. Samantha I wanted to end my life that night and apparently you did too."
Those tears which threatened to fall moments ago begin to course down her cheeks and I finally have to look away from her because now I know she remembers what kind of man I truly am. It is quiet in my bedroom for a few minutes while I hear her try to compose herself even though I want to cry myself. This is why I don't believe in love anymore because I know what we are both capable of doing to one another. The mere thought of surrendering to love once more terrifies me now.
I'm expecting her to leave any minute, but she hasn't moved away from me yet. She must be as big of a glutton for punishment as I am.
Her next words surprise me, "I know EJ you have reasons to doubt me, just like I still have reasons to doubt you when I think of the past. But EJ, I forgive you for everything. All of it, every lie, every time you made me cry, every torment, every harsh word we've spoken to one another in anger, everything EJ."
I hate her forgiveness, she shouldn't ever forgive me. I hate how she is willing to give this gift to me even though it is clearly evident that I don't deserve it. I turn back to look at her, wanting to throw these misguided intentions she has for us back into her face, but I look into those beautiful eyes of hers that have haunted my dreams for years and I can't do it and suddenly I'm at a loss for words.
"Things change, EJ. I started to realize that when I read your letters to me. I saw that I wanted to risk everything for a chance to be really happy, even if it meant the possibility of being hurt more because along with the hurt it meant the chance that I might could find what I've been looking for my entire life had been right in front of me all along. You're the only one who can give me that, no one else, only you. Hopefully in time if you can truly forgive me, that'll be a start. But more than anything, you need to forgive yourself. We could have it all EJ."
We're clearly in uncharted territory here. How can she want to be in the same room with me in spite of all the hurt and hatred that has resided between us? How can I even let myself think that she might even mean these words she has spoken to me?
I don't know how to go about doing what she has asked of me. Can I truly forgive myself for hurting her? Forgive myself for all the damage I have caused by my reckless actions and in turn forgive her for hers?
For once in my life I am able to admit my shortcomings and with that the honesty of my next statement to her, "I don't know if I can do any of this Samantha."
She is quiet for a few minutes, and she gets up from the bed to leave me to my thoughts and then I hear her say the words, words it feels like I have been waiting my entire life to hear from her.
"I know you don't believe me because god knows I haven't ever given you reason to do so, but I love you EJ. I've been afraid to say the words out loud because anytime I have ever uttered them before, no one thinks I am worth all the trouble that my loves brings into their lives. I don't know why I would think it would be any different with you."
If I was stunned by her actions before, now I'm in shock. Surely my hearing is impaired because Samantha Gene Brady didn't just tell me that she loves me.
I almost let her leave, she has turned away from me, but then my next words stop her before she can exit the room.
"Please don't go Samantha, stay with me. I don't want you to go."
"You don't have to pity me; I know I've lost my chance with you ages ago. You're sick, you don't feel good and here I've gone and unburdened my soul on you when you needed to get your rest and the kids will be up before long and…."
I interrupt her before she can list a thousand more reasons why she should leave with a simple question. "Did you really mean what you said, that you love me?"
She shakes her head that she does even if she doesn't say it aloud again. I guess saying it once took a lot out of her by the looks of her right now.
I scoot over enough to make room for her and pull by the sheet back offering her a place beside me in the bed if she'll take it.
She takes a few steps toward the bed and then stops, "EJ you're sick."
"I'm not suggesting we have sex. I just want you to sleep beside me, for us to wake up together in the morning. I mean I never did get that the other go round, you know the night we made Sydney…"
I see that teasing comment makes her smile, a real smile, the likes of what she used to give me long ago before it all went bad between us and for the first time in a very long time I feel it coming back to me.
Hope.
Hope for a future with her, something I never imagined or expected when I wrote those letters to her.
As she snuggles next to me and I reach over her to turn off the lamp on the nightstand I almost expect her to disappear into thin air and then the reality hits me when I kiss the top of her head and tell her goodnight and she tells me to have sweet dreams that she is really here with me, not just physically but emotionally which is what I never thought would be possible to happen between us.
Samantha Brady has willingly come into my bed, and not just for sex which I hope will happen as soon as I get to feeling better, but tonight is special because it will be the first of what I hope will be many more nights with her.
Maybe, just maybe I will get to spend the rest of my life with her and before I drift off the sleep with her in my arms I say a silent prayer of thanks that she is here beside me.
Who knows maybe God has been listening to me after all and that I'll be able to give this forgiveness thing a true shot and we'll both be able to start healing?
And maybe like Samantha had told him long ago in the stairwell at the hospital that anything was possible, anything at all.
As my eyes close I think as long as I have her with me, those things just might end up being true.