A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, and to my wonderful beta reader, Rosalie!
Chapter 51: Amar –Decisions
(June 1, Year 10: Tris is almost 27, Tobias is 29, and Abigail is 9 ½ months old)
Abigail crawls back and forth between her parents and the rest of us as we get ready to start our faction meeting. She knows all of us well, of course, but she seems excited to see the whole group of us together in one place, filling every seat in the gathering room.
Pausing by George, she uses his leg to haul herself into a standing position, grinning widely at her accomplishment. God, that kid is adorable.
"Are you here to see me?" George asks with mock seriousness, leaning down so his face is close to hers. He earns a string of babbling coos for his efforts, along with an attempt to grab his nose. It makes him laugh.
"All right," he concedes. "I know what you want."
Covering his face with his hands, he opens his fingers just enough to reveal one eye before saying, "Boo!" She squeals in delight, and he proceeds to repeat the exercise, exposing his eyes differently each time to keep her guessing. My husband has far more patience for baby games than I do, though I enjoy watching the two of them together. He's good with her.
"Are we ready to start?" Cara asks, her voice crisp as she looks around to make sure everyone is here. She's currently serving as our faction leader, since neither Four nor Tris wanted the hassle while Abigail is so young. One of these days, maybe I'll give the position a try. I'd like to think I'm stable enough now.
"Very well," Cara continues as the room falls silent – except for George's murmured "boos" and Abigail's continued shrieks. "We're here to make a final decision on the UCA's anniversary. They need to know whether or not they're including the awards ceremony, so they need us to say if we're coming."
It's been a topic of much debate since Four first raised it six months ago. Everyone was preliminarily in at the time, but then George started to worry about me, and then Tris and Four started debating if they should take Abigail or not, and then Christina announced she was pregnant. It's now looking unlikely that we'll make it.
"Should we have an initial vote to see where we stand?" Tris asks reasonably. "Then, we can discuss it and vote again if we need to."
It's a sensible suggestion, and when no one objects, Cara takes it. "All right, everyone in favor of going, raise your hand."
Mine immediately lifts, and I give George a glare when he hesitates. Sighing, he raises his, too. He's still worried about me being in front of a crowd that size, but I don't honestly think the number of people will matter. A crowd is a crowd, and I've been doing okay with them lately. Most of the time, anyway.
Four's gaze flits between me and George for a few more seconds before he raises his hand, too. It's nice that he's only willing to go if all of us do, but sometimes I hate that he's so focused on taking care of me. After ten years of this stuff, I'm tired of needing help.
Margaret votes yes as well, even though she's not really part of this decision, since she won't be getting an award. Still, I suppose she might like to go with Four to see her brother get a medal.
I'm vaguely surprised when Christina raises a stubborn hand, ignoring the way Uriah tries to push it down. In the end, he and Cara are the only two who vote no.
"Who are you concerned about?" I can't help asking Cara, knowing that there's an equal chance that it's me or Christina.
"Both of you," she answers defiantly. "It's a long trip, with a lot of stress, and I don't think it would be good for your recovery." Turning to Christina, she adds, "And I certainly can't advise you to go when you'll be eight months pregnant at the time!"
Christina rolls her eyes. "I'll be fine. I'm having a totally normal pregnancy and I'm not in a high risk category or anything. It will be an uncomfortable car ride, but that's about it."
Uriah shakes his head, looking frustrated. They've obviously had this argument before. "There's always a chance of an early delivery, and I don't want my baby being born in the car, or in Philadelphia. Here is the safest place. You know that."
"Weren't you Dauntless once?" she snaps back. It's a low blow, but Uri answers it without pause.
"I'm Kaizen now, and that means we're supposed to use our heads, too. Maybe you should try it."
Christina looks livid, and as my gaze moves back and forth between the two of them, I realize something. This isn't worth it. And I'm the one who can stop it.
"It doesn't matter," I state loudly enough to override their argument. "Cara's still voting no, right?" I meet her eyes briefly, trying to convey that she should stick to her guns, and she nods firmly.
I shrug as if I'm conceding defeat. "Maybe she's right. After that panic attack in January, I might be overestimating my ability to handle crowds."
There's a pause before Cara says, "What panic attack?" She sounds furious, as she always does when I hide something about my health. She tries so hard to keep my therapy running smoothly, and I know it. But sometimes I just have to be my own man.
"It was mild," I tell her, "and it was caused by a bizarre combination of events, so I wasn't worried about it. But I have to admit that going all the way to Philadelphia and being in front of a crowd that big…is less than appealing. So, if the rest of you don't mind too much, can we put it off until the fifteenth anniversary?"
I'm pretty sure that half the room knows what I'm doing. Uri looks incredibly grateful, and George squeezes my hand, and there's definite respect in Four's eyes – and in Tris' too. Christina, though, evaluates me for a long moment. I gaze back, making sure to hide my usual tells so she won't be able to decide for certain if I'm doing this for her or myself. I guess my Candor therapy sessions are finally paying off.
She sighs as she says, "I guess that would be better for me, too."
"Did you really have a panic attack?" Cara asks me later, pressing her lips together the way she does when she's trying not to be mad.
"I wouldn't call it an attack," I reassure her quietly, glancing around to make sure no one else can hear us. "A car back-fired while I was walking through a crowded area, and I was having a bad day anyway, and it all just became overwhelming." My shoulders lift a little. "I ended up going into a nearby building and crouching under the stairs for a few minutes."
In retrospect, the whole thing seems silly, but that's the problem with brain damage. I can't always see things accurately at the time.
She sighs. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because, Cara, sometimes you treat me like I'm five years old, and I am an adult." She glares at me, affronted, but I meet her gaze without flinching. "I know I was in really bad shape at first, and I appreciate that you helped me through that. But you need to understand that I'm not in the same condition anymore. I want to live my life, not hide from everything that might upset me."
For a long moment, she appraises me, biting her lip unconsciously in the habit that everyone picked up from Four's broadcast. Finally, she nods, looking a bit sad. "I'm sorry," she says softly. "I didn't mean to seem overbearing. I just wanted to help you get better."
The comment draws a reassuring smile from me, and I pat her shoulder gently. "I know. But you've succeeded – a lot more than I expected in those early days. It's time to move beyond that." She looks wary, and I continue before she can protest. "I'd like to start working on my Amity aptitude."
Her expression borders on panic now, and I can't entirely blame her. It's scary as hell to think about deliberately putting myself into the damaged part of my brain again. But it feels like the next stage of growth for me.
"As I understand it," I say levelly, "the damage didn't take out that entire part of my brain. Just some of it. So, it seems like we could build up the good parts and create new neural pathways from those, without going into the bad part. That's what we did with my Dauntless aptitude, right? Why would this be any different?"
She shakes her head, her mouth even flatter. "Because the damage there is much more significant. It's risky to go near it."
"But not impossible," I argue, determined to get her to see my perspective on this. "I'd like to work with Four on it. He's not exactly a happy-go-lucky, Amity type of person, but he's learned how to be a lot kinder over the years. He could show me how he learned that, and I could build new neural pathways from the experience."
She sighs, tucking a loose hair back into place with the rest of her neatly-pinned locks as she considers that. "Would you communicate honestly with me throughout the process?"
I smile softly. "Yes, I'm willing to commit to that."
She's silent for a little longer before she nods, looking somewhat resigned. "Okay. I guess we can work with it. But you'll need extra sessions at first, to make sure it's working for you. An Amity session, and then a Dauntless one right afterwards, and another one later in the week."
She holds my gaze, making sure I'm willing to return to that kind of schedule. And I have to admit it's not appealing – I've gotten used to only needing a session every other week. But I do want to try this, so after a second, I nod, too.
Extending my hand, I tell her, "It's a deal."
A/N: For those who have been asking how long I expect this story to be, it will probably be 57 chapters. Depending on exactly where I stop between chapters, it could be 56 or 58, but 57 is most likely. There's one more significant event that the rest of the story will focus on, and then I'm afraid that will be it.
Anyway, please let me know what you thought of this chapter. I'm going to be out of town for a few days for my daughter's college graduation, so I'll have limited ability to answer PMs, but I always appreciate reviews! :-)