Sorry for the slight delay, Christmas always seems to mean that I am required to spend time away from my laptop! Once again, thank you for your thoughts and feedback :)

Quinn places the two glasses of juice that she'd just stolen out of the fridge on Santana's bedside table, and watches as Rachel stares at her phone screen for a moment, before sitting up and pressing her hands to her head.

'I need to go.'

Quinn nods silently to herself, and sets about retrieving Rachel's clothing from the various parts of the room they've found themselves in. She herself is only wearing panties and her gym top, and feels increasingly naked, as Rachel dresses herself.

Rachel puts on her vest top before putting on her bra, and it is enough to show Quinn that Rachel's feeling shaken by the phone call. She goes to sit next to her, handing her the missing bra quietly before rubbing a gentle hand along her shoulder. Rachel turns into her, and presses her face to the space between Quinn jaw and collar bone.

'It was Kurt. He's figured out I am with someone I shouldn't be.'

Quinn wants to be able to snap her fingers, and make everything simple for Rachel. However, she can't, and presses a kiss to her head instead, aware that Rachel's got to dig herself out of the hole. She thinks about the text message from Brittany, and her uneasiness sharpens when she realizes that Rachel still hasn't told her about her new plans with Brody.

'Maybe you should just tell him. Kurt isn't going to automatically tell Brody… keeping secrets from everyone can't be good for you.'

Rachel shakes her head after a moment, and moves away in order to reapply herself to the challenge of putting all her clothes on in the correct order.

'You don't know Kurt and Brody…they're really good friends. I can't say anything negative about Brody without Kurt leaping to his defence. He could tell him.'

Quinn sighs, and stands, takes a gulp of juice as a way of buying time.

'Rach…Kurt is your friend. Before Brody's.'

Rachel passes two hands through her bangs, trying to adjust them, and Quinn can't really understand how they went from naked and happy to fully clothed and stressed, in the space of half an hour.

'I don't know anymore. It feels like, Kurt could go either way, somehow.'

Rachel reaches for her phone again, and bites at her lip, seemingly scrolling through endless missed calls. Quinn is very conscious that she has no claim over Rachel, has no desire to try and rip Rachel away from her life with Brody, if it is making her happy, and so tries to stay quiet.

When Rachel looks at her with watery eyes, Quinn isn't so sure what makes anyone happy any more. She feels a wave of regret, because she and Rachel really weren't ready for what had just happened between them, regardless of how much they actually wanted it.

Stupid. Stupid, impulsive, self indulgent behaviour. Quinn frowns at herself, and then frowns at Rachel, because this was hardly one-sided.

She flaps a hand between her and Rachel vaguely, irritated.

'So this… isn't going to happen? Isn't supposed to happen?'

Rachel looks at her with big eyes and an unreadable expression.

'Have you asked me to leave him?'

What? Quinn scowls, because since when is Rachel allowed to put the decision in her hands? This time she doesn't so much reply, as snap.

'Jesus, Rachel… no, I haven't. I don't see why… fucking hell, this is your decision not mine. You do what you want.'

Rachel's face tightens imperceptibly, and she stands, and starts putting on her shoes with quick, sharp movements.

'Oh sure, Quinn, because you aren't a factor in this at all. My doubts about Brody are entirely separate to whatever it is that we have been pursuing for the past couple of months or so.'

Quinn follows suit, and drags a pair of jeans out of her bag, sitting down on the bed in order to tug them on. Maybe if she just had more clothes on, this whole discussion will be easier.

'Rachel, will you stop trying to heap all of this on me? I don't want to be the catalyst for you leaving Brody, I can't deal with that. I don't want that.'

There's a pause, in which Quinn occupies herself with trying to locate a matching sock, rather than having to look at Rachel.

When she can't avoid it anymore, she looks up at Rachel, who immediately looks away from her, with arms crossed.

'I can't…I can't do this right now Quinn. I need more time to figure this out. Particularly if you are saying you don't actually want to be with me.'

Oh, what the hell?

'What the… when did I even say…whatever Rachel, I'm sure this will only get easier to figure out when you are living with Brody, sure.'

Rachel gasps at her, and then looks angry, as if she has any right.

'How did you know?'

Quinn considers protecting her sources, but then decides against it, because she feels like Rachel should know that Brittany thought Quinn had a right to know.

'Brittany told me. Just before you turned up, actually. I thought you might be here to discuss it, not to try and forget it with me. Is that what I am; a distraction from how boring your life is becoming?'

It's a bit low, and Quinn almost regrets it, but she's angry. This is not how this was supposed to end.

Rachel just looks at her for a long moment, and then looks away, towards the door, not even trying to deny it. She looks small, and fragile, and perfect, and Quinn feels herself ache, suddenly defeated.

'Rach, I think… if you are sure enough about Brody to say yes to moving in with him, then you probably shouldn't be here.'

Rachel takes half a step towards her, and Quinn stands up automatically, but Rachel stops short. Instead Quinn gets a strangled half sob, and a helpless gesture at her.

'When I'm with him… I'm thinking about you.'

Quinn closes her eyes after a moment, and breathes deeply.

'That… that isn't enough, Rachel. Not right now.'

Rachel stays rooted to the spot, not going anywhere.

'But you don't want me to leave him for you? You don't want…anything more than a casual fuck buddy?'

The profanity makes Quinn's mouth twist, and she fights to keep herself under control.

'Well you're the one who turned up announced and kissed me… what is it that you want me to say Rachel? No, I don't want you to leave Brody purely because I'm something new and interesting, because I'm not going to stay new and interesting to you, okay? I can't… I think you should go.'

The last statement seems to linger in the air, and Quinn wants to take it back, wants to make Rachel stay, wants to curl up on the couch and watch mindless television and make out and tell bad jokes until she smiles.

And a long moment, Rachel breathes out, a breath Quinn wasn't even aware she was holding.

'Maybe you're right, if you don't want… maybe you're right.'

Quinn shrugs helplessly, and shifts from one foot to another, imagining what Rachel and Brody's apartment will be like.

She'll never go and visit.

'Quinn, I…'

When Quinn looks, finally, Rachel has tears rolling down her cheeks, and Quinn feels her own eyes start to match.

In a flurry, Rachel steps towards her, kissing her like the world is ending, hanging on tight. Quinn's hands move automatically to the sides of Rachel's top and bunch there, and kisses back hard, determined to leave some kind of lasting memory. It's like an out of body experience, with the entirety of Quinn's brain yelling at her to let go, and her body refusing to listen.

They burn, these kisses, hot enough to scar. Quinn can feel her heart flinching from it.

It could last forever and end too soon, but when Quinn breaks for air, Rachel just breathes into her mouth, and murmurs 'I'm sorry.' Her face is wet with tears, and Quinn wants to wipe them away, but instead concentrates on not saying anything, because even the smallest anything will almost certainly betray her.

Rachel kisses her once more, gentle. And when the door closes it sound like the end.

...

Rachel tries to type a message, while she is on the subway trying to embarrass herself quietly. She's the weird crying girl on the train. It's the middle of the afternoon. She must look like a lunatic.

She doesn't really know what she wants to say. She kind of just wants to yell at Quinn and sob and put her arms around her until Quinn hugs her back, but that doesn't really translate well to text message.

Instead she just sends Quinn, I don't know how you have forgotten this, but I'm not drawn to you because you are 'new'. We've been friends for a long time now, and I have always been thinking of you, right from the start. So don't pretend that this is based on that.

Rachel doesn't know why she presses send without even re-reading it, and when she does go into her sent box, she realizes, with a twinge of horror, that it looks like she is shouting at Quinn, or being sarcastic, or something else equally moronic. She wants to throw her phone out of the window so she won't be tempted to message anything else.

After five minutes she gets a reply.

Whatever Rachel. I don't want to hear it.

Rachel doesn't know what she is going to say to Brody to explain the redness of her eyes, and tries to fight a fresh wave of tears, to little avail.

She chooses to bite a different bullet, instead.

…

Kurt is not having a good day.

In fact, he might be having the worst day on record since his arrival in New York, and that included the day when he walked in on Santana and Brittany taking slightly too much advantage of his and Rachel's hospitality, on their couch, after a party.

Rachel has asked him to meet her at one of their old coffee shop haunts, a couple of blocks away from their apartment. He'd sent back a sniping message suggesting it was Brody she was supposed to be meeting, not Kurt. The request had then turned into a summons, and she's pushing it, she's really pushing it.

Kurt has everything crossed, and folded, and is generally trying to look like no explanation is going to be good enough for Rachel's behavior. He's already half way through his coffee, to allow himself an excuse to leave if he needs it.

His anger dissolves within two seconds of looking across at Rachel, when she sits down opposite him.

'Oh honey… you look a mess.'

He reaches for her hand automatically, and Rachel sniffles once, and clings to it, clings like it a lifeline.

'Kurt, I'm really sorry, okay? I've been… I don't even know why I've been trying to do this by myself but I really need you, okay, because I'm making such a mess and you are so much more sensible than me and…'

Rachel bursts into fresh tears at that point, and Kurt stands up and slides into Rachel's side of the booth, throwing an arm around her shoulders and squeezing her into his side.

'Oh, good lord, come here, wait, have this napkin, look, there. Breathe, Rachel, breathe. It'll be fine, we'll figure out what to tell Brody, it's fine…'

This seems to only spark fresh tears, and Kurt dabs helplessly at them for a moment, before deciding that this may take more than one napkin.

…

'We'll start slowly, shall we? How long have you been doing things you shouldn't?'

Rachel frowns at him, and starts tearing at the corner of a paper towel in front of her.

'I… I've been doing things I shouldn't for a long while. But this particular series of mishaps… a couple of months maybe?'

Kurt chokes on his drink, surprised, and Rachel reaches for him.

'But I've been feeling… not great, with Brody. I don't know, it's hard, because he's wonderful…and I don't want to hurt him, but…'

Rachel trails off, and Kurt fills in some gaps for her, taking pity.

'Just by saying but is usually enough, Rachel. You haven't been happy. Proceed.'

Rachel bites at her lip, and looks down at the table.

'And then… I don't know, he got a job, and I started panicking that it meant I wouldn't get a job, and then he suddenly wants me to move in, and all the while, there's this… other person.'

Kurt frowns a little, and tries to explain it to himself.

'So, the other person… he's a distraction, while you are very confused, but I'm sure it's just stress, Rachel, because everything is happening at once. Brody doesn't suspect a thing, we can draw a line under this whole incident, and you get to move forward.'

Rachel stares at him for a long moment.

'What if I feel… Kurt, I'm not upset because of Brody right now. I'm feeling awfully guilty, but I'm not upset over him, as such.'

Kurt blinks.

'What? Then…what?'

Rachel looks out of the window, and Kurt watches as her eyes fill up with tears again.

'Have you ever… felt like you were constantly on the verge of losing someone but you had no idea how to stop it happening? A spectator to your own life?'

Okay, Rachel is known for her melodrama, but even this feels a little extreme. Kurt feels his stomach twist in distaste.

'Ahhh, Rachel, without wishing to call you deluded… you've known this guy for two months, and can only have caught, what, brief snatches of time with him, if I'm reading this correctly. I'm not sure that it is possible to experience such depth of feeling in such a space of time. Think about Brody. Isn't he more important than Mr Who-ever?'

Rachel bites at her lip, and glances once at him.

'Kurt, it's more complicated than that, there's…'

She trails off, and Kurt prods at her under the table after a second.

'Rachel?'

Rachel takes a deep breath.

'Kurt, it's Quinn.'

Kurt laughs once, and then covers his mouth, eyes wide, when Rachel doesn't laugh back, because really, who would make that kind of joke?

He's going to need a little processing time.

…

They end up walking along endless blocks, because Kurt is slightly concerned that Brody might be setting up camp inside their apartment, and he thinks both he and Rachel need some time to get their stories straight.

Straight. Ha. Kurt mentally crashes a comedy cymbal.

'Quinn. Quinn Fabray. That Quinn.'

Rachel tuts at him, and steps around a signpost.

'It isn't the most common of names, Kurt. That Quinn.'

Kurt sighs, and presses at the bridge of his nose for a moment, blinking against the angle of the setting sun.

'Okay, so we'll leave the whole, what, you are suddenly gay? aspect of this for another time, but, I need further details please. Are you just crushing on her because you've always been oddly fixated on her, and now the whole Brody thing is scary? Because that… would be a silly thing to do Rachel. Oh, god, you didn't tell her about your crush? Is that what's causing all the tears? Because you are setting yourself up for a world of heart-break there, has Quinn ever treated any of her devotees with anything close to compassion? Christ, friend territory is far safer with that girl, I, ow!'

Rachel had hit him. Really rather hard, on the arm. Well, smacked him. He hadn't been prepared.

'Can you try and not be a complete bitch about Quinn, Kurt? I mean really, is it necessary?'

Whoa, okay. Kurt prods at Rachel, frowning, and then holds up a hand in apology.

'Jeez, okay, so Quinn is lovely. Ahh, she was nice to you, when you announced your crush? But you decided to cry anyway?'

He's half joking, he decides, but Rachel looks like she isn't in the mood for jokes at all, and Kurt takes a step back in case violence becomes the solution once again.

'Is it really that difficult to conceive of Quinn being attracted to me? This has not been one sided, Kurt.'

Kurt thinks if his eyebrows rose any higher they'd leave his forehead altogether. He looks down the street behind them, and leans in to lower his voice.

'What? You and Quinn… kissing? And being romantic? And… stuff?'

An awkward hand waggle accompanies the word stuff, but Kurt isn't sure what he was even asking then, or if he really wants to know the answer.

Rachel whispers back at him, despite the fact there is no-one really in ear shot.

'Yes, Kurt, and change the record, please, this isn't helping. Kissing, romance, and I don't really know what that hand gesture was supposed to signify, but probably that too.'

Oh good lord. Kurt needs to sit down.

…

She'll be fine.

She will be fine.

Cheating never leads to anything good. It was always going to be a fifty fifty call on whether her or Brody took the hit. Quinn knew the risks before she got involved.

And so, sure, right now, she feels like a million shades of shit, but she's had relationships that have ended without her wishes before, she's survived.

This wasn't even a relationship. This was a…fling, possibly? Quinn isn't even sure if it counts as that, when you can count the kissing incidences on one hand.

The last time someone broke up with Quinn it was Finn, outside a funeral. Quinn remembers feeling wounded pride, and frustration, at the fact that despite her best efforts, Finn was not conforming to the reality that Quinn was trying to create.

She does not recall feeling like her heart has been shredded somehow, mauled by a tiger, but maybe people are more resilient when they're younger, maybe this is how all adult break ups feel.

Quinn does not cry in public, and therefore spends the journey back to New Haven processing anger, instead. The guy sat opposite her looks relieved to be to get off after a couple of stops, leaving Quinn to glare at the headrest instead.

Rachel wants her. Just not enough.

The worst part is knowing that Rachel probably would leave Brody, if Quinn demanded it. But when left to her own devices, she winds up with him.

It is damn stupid how someone who is so mature in so many ways, is behaving like a toddler when it comes to her relationships, just waiting for someone with a forceful enough voice to tell her what to do.

Quinn's upset that Rachel wants to play it safe. She's upset that Rachel isn't sure about anything. She's upset that Rachel is happy to get by with a nice enough guy. It seems to make a mockery, somehow, of the entirety of their high school career.

What's the point of being the world's most insanely passionate person in your teenage years, if you plan on settling for good enough in the future?

Shit, if just one of them was brave enough, they'd probably end up together. But Quinn knows herself well enough to know that she's not going to be the brave one. Quinn does not do successful relationships. Particularly ones built from a foundation of cheating. She'd needed Rachel to take the leap, so at least when they crashed and burned it wouldn't all be Quinn's fault, somehow.

She's going to miss being Rachel's friend, she realizes. Miss with an ache that consumes her entire being.

By the time the train pulls into New Haven, she's almost run out of anger, looping around in mental spirals of ever contracting circles.

She only just makes it to her room before the tears come.

…

They wind up in a green space, sat on a bench. Rachel sighs, and tips her head sideways onto his shoulder.

'I feel like all the significant moments in my life happen on benches, at the moment.'

Kurt twists his lips, and thinks about Brody, about what a steady, friendly, nice guy he is.

'You should give Brody one more shot. Christ, Rachel, from the sounds of it Quinn doesn't even want a relationship, and panicked when you suggested it. You deserve more than that.'

Rachel shakes her head next to him, and stretches her legs out, pointing her toes in a move that reminds him of another moment, one he can't fully identify.

'That wasn't, what she said. I don't know. She's… scared. Maybe. And probably sick of me being a complete bitch to everyone important.'

Kurt holds up a hand to interject.

'Okay, I can see how you are being a bitch to Brody, and to myself, hello, but I'm not sure what right Quinn has to be upset. What was it that you argued about, exactly?'

Rachel shrugs after a moment, and then sniffs.

'I don't really remember. It all felt very final. I asked her whether she wanted me to leave Brody, she said she didn't because of things I can't remember, I'd pretty much started crying by then, and then she started crying, and I left.'

Kurt coughs awkwardly.

'How very lesbian of you both.'

It earns him another wallop on the arm, but goodness knows he's going to have to try and keep things light if Rachel has to speak to Brody at some point tonight, which she definitely does.

'She's… not a predictable creature, Quinn. I've got lots of admiration for her, Rachel, and I know how important she is to you, but maybe…look. Brody's really good for you, and really good to you. Has he ever made you cry?'

Rachel mumbles a nothing response, but Kurt knows the answer. He feels like he knows everything about their lives.

'Having a steady, stable, drama-free relationship isn't the same as having a boring one, Rach. Don't give up on that. Particularly after arguing with Quinn. Let the dust settle. Let Quinn skulk in her lair for a bit. Process, Rachel. You've been going very fast.'

Rachel doesn't say anything for the longest time, and then stands, stretching out a hand to him. Kurt brushes some dust off his coat automatically.

'We'll see, Kurt. I don't know. I probably need to stop hurting before I can think. Thanks, Kurt, you've been… I hope Quinn talks to someone like you.'

…

Brody doesn't understand.

He'd seen two out of the three apartments that had been originally planned, and had diligently taken photos, as Kurt had suggested. He's got a folder on his phone entitled possibilities, but this is never going to work unless Rachel actually comes with him, because how can he explain the feel of a place to her, how can he take a photo of the atmosphere of the neighborhood?

He feels betrayed, somehow. Rachel should have been more excited. Rachel should have been there with him, clinging to his arm and discussing where they could hang fairy lights.

In fact, ever since Rachel just sent him a brief message, Brody has been working his way up through the gears and ended up at the emotion entitled fucking furious.

Rachel had said I'm okay. Couldn't come today. We should talk.

And that was all he got, after a day of panicking and looking like an idiot in front of the leasing agent, that was all he got.

Not even a sorry.

And sure, he's aware Rachel isn't perfect. There was that time when she had a meltdown before visiting his aunt's house, or the day when Brody had plans with his friends, but then Santana had needed help moving house, and Brody had just received a summons, but Brody figures that everyone messes up, on occasion. He probably does.

He just didn't expect Rachel to bail on her on this day.

So when Brody gets to his room in his shitty apartment, he calls Rachel. And then calls again.

Again and again, waiting for her to pick up.

…