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-WHATISLOVE?!
Hoshi: Onto the conquest of the triforce!
Warning: Het, slash, femslash, crack. The Robins are OOC as all get out, and I might have given up on making everyone else IC. This story doesn't really have a reason until the last chapter. And a TON of Fire Emblem: Awakening spoilers! Beat that game first if you care about spoilers! Sheik is female. This got a LOT more suggestive than I thought it would be.
Hoshi: Thanks for the reviews! You guys rock my concert!
-BABYDON'THURTME
Link
"I look forward to meeting blades with you again, sir." Lucina offered the Hylian a smile as she re-sheathed her Parallel Falchion.
"Me too." Link gave her a nod as she walked away. He was then kicked in the back with both legs by an angry Marc.
"HIT ON MY POSSIBLE WIFE/DAUGHTER-IN-LAW, WILL YOU?!" The tactician then picked up the Hylian and proceeded to judo-flip him, so that Link was on his back this time. He then twisted the hero's arm in a figure four leg lock.
"Ack!" Link struggled in his grip. "But I wasn't…!" How did the tactician know martial arts as well as professional wrestling moves, anyway?
"Marc, stop!" Robin pulled her male counterpart away. She bowed politely to Link and…did she wink at him, or was that just Link? "My apologies, Hero of Time. Let me just talk with my counterpart." She dragged Marc away.
Link massaged his sore arm as he watched them leave.
"And I thought Marth was hostile…"
.-.-.-.-.
"What were you thinking?" Robin scolded her fellow tactician. "How are we going to make him fall in love with us if you scare him like that?"
"Robin, please." Marc crossed his arms like she was the one being illogical here. "I've seen all that fanart in the Legend of Zelda fandom. Link goes out with nearly all the girls in every game. Even some guys! I will not have that hussy breaking the heart of Chrom's daughter. He will die before that happens."
"But Marc, aren't we worse for actually having the capability to pair up with every playable character barring gender?" Robin looked down at the floor in horror. Her fellow tactician shared her sentiment as he too stared at the floor in horror.
"I'm worse than Link…?" Marc sat down and cradled his head in his hands at the revelation. Robin took one of his hands in hers and offered him a smile.
"We are ship scum." She assured him. "But that's okay. We can relate to Link better since we're all five-timers together."
"You're right." He wiped away a tear. "Back to Phase One!"
.-.-.-.-.
"I apologize for my behavior." Marc bowed politely to Link. "It was uncalled for. After all, we're both disgusting ship fodder, so we should stick together."
"…what did you call me?" Link asked.
"Oh, you're such a kidder!" Marc patted him on the shoulder, sparkles coming off of him in spades.
"A gift!" Robin also had sparkles around her for some reason. "To celebrate our new relationship as horrible five-timers!" She raised the heart piece she was holding in the air.
"I…what?" Link stared at them. They just glanced back at him and smiled. Robin presented the heart piece to him cheerily.
Weird, that would be grounds for a proposal in some areas… Not that Link would've minded since the two tacticians were rather attractive when they weren't being stran-!
NO WAIT, HE LIKED ZELDA. Or Saria. Or Malon maybe. He couldn't remember who anymore, honestly; he'd been paired up with so many girls. …and some dudes.
Zelda
"I would love to visit your country some time, Lucina." Zelda said over tea.
"As would I, Zelda." Lucina got up from the table. "Thank you again for the tea." She waved her good-bye and walked off to her room.
"What an impressive princess…" Zelda said, voice in awe.
"HIT ON MY POSSIBLE DAUGHTER/DAUGHTER-IN-LAW, WILL YOU?!" Robin charged the Hylian princess with her Levin sword.
"Robin, no!" Marc grabbed her by her tactician cloak's hood. "We've been over this!"
"But…but she…" Robin gestured to Zelda with her sword. Her male counterpart gave her a stern expression, as if telling her 'you're better than this' with his eyes. Robin lowered her sword. "Okay…" Marc cleared his throat and gave Zelda his most winning smile.
"My apologies for such an action, milady." Marc bowed politely to her. "We were wondering if you'd be interested in learning the way of the sword."
"Sword…?" Zelda echoed. Her brows knit together in thought. "I tried fighting with a sword once in Twilight Princess. My kingdom got taken over so fast, it wasn't funny."
"Ah, but you see…" Marc showed her the Levin sword. "This blade uses a wielder's magical energy rather than physical energy. So does this one." He brought out a long, thin, green blade. "The Sonic sword's shape also seems to fit your fighting style better as well."
"Fascinating…" Zelda took the Sonic sword and tested its weight in her grip. "Very well. I accept your proposal."
.-.-.-.-.
Robin had decided to train with her tactician cloak off, and changed into some more casual workout clothes. Now she was just wearing a sports bra and some jean cut-offs that revealed the glorious tapestry of muscles that was her totally ripped body.
"W-wow…" Zelda looked on, blushing hotly. She had even started to fan herself as steam rose from her head. Little red hearts even seemed to sprout from her person and collected in a little pool around her heels.
'I didn't think Zelda was a muscle fan…' Marc stared at the heart collection. He was pretty sure he could dive in it and come out at a negative damage percentage even if he was at 999 damage. 'Maybe that's why she rarely shows interest in Link?'
"All right." Robin swung her Levin sword one last time. She turned to Zelda and smiled. "If you're ready, milady? Be warned, though," She lowered her head and whispered in the other girl's ear, "I tend to get rough."
"Y-yes…" Zelda looked like she was swooning. She cleared her throat, though her blush was still luminescent. "I don't mind it rough. Not at all." She added, gaze traveling south as she admired Robin's abs.
Marc gave his female counterpart a thumbs-up while she gave him a smug smirk.
"No, Robin…" Peach's eyes brimmed with tears. "I thought I was the only princess you'd love…" Marc stared at her and wondered how long she might have been following them while Robin trained with Zelda.
'That's weird… Phase two isn't until after we get everyone to fall in love with us.' He thought. The tactician casually brushed a bang away. 'Man, we really should turn off our charm.'
Toon Link
"…"
"Well, it's not like you've never seduced a younger guy befo-!"
"Marc, no." Robin tossed him a nasty look. "Ricken is different. It's at least implied that he grew up hot before we made my son, Linfan! Toon Link is…a kid." She blushed at the thought.
"Look, we're only trying to make all of them fall in love with us." Marc said matter-of-factly. "It's not like we're going to do any of that 18 and older stuff in this family friendly game." He shook his head at such a notion. "And we didn't have any problems with Bowser, so I don't know why you're being squeamish now."
"You wouldn't be saying this if Toon Link was a little girl instead of a little boy!" Robin flailed. She turned away from him, arms crossed, and a little frown on her face. "Or maybe you'd like that better since you seduced Nowi once."
"That does not count!" Marc blushed hotly. "She's like a billion years old, so if anything, I was the one being taken advantage of!"
"Even if she is old enough to practically be an ancestor of ours, it doesn't change the fact that she looks and acts like a little girl." Robin argued. "It's still gross."
"Blame Intelligent Systems!" Marc threw his hands in the air. "And you know what, you're still worse because Ricken actually was a little kid when you agreed to his proposal!" He shook his head. "There's no excuse for that."
"Yeah well…." Robin fiddled with her fingers. She then pointed one at Marc. "What about Nah, huh? Technically, you're old enough to be her potential father."
"…" Marc stared at her in horror. How could she bring that up? It wasn't his fault Intelligent Systems had to turn him into a creep with their S-support-everyone-of-the-opposite-gender mechanic! He collapsed to the ground in defeat.
"Hey!" Toon Link walked up to them with his hands on his hips. "Fight on the stages with your weapons. Don't fight here with your words." He advised sternly.
'Oh no…' Robin thought to herself. She looked at his big cat-like eyes and the precocious way he tried to act like a reasonable adult and came to her dreaded conclusion. 'He's adorable.'
.-.-.-.-.
"Let's sail there next!" Toon Link pointed to a rather large island on his map.
"Aye aye, Cap'n!" Marc saluted from his lookout position. Robin was the first mate and hung out on the ship deck. She still couldn't believe that Marc had hijacked an actual pirate ship for Toon Link. The ship was an absolute monster too! Bigger than that one spaceship in the Subspace Emissary movie… She sighed.
"I will never understand your affinity for cute things, Marc." She shook her head at him. Marc swung down from his post on the ropes that kept the sails to the mast.
"It is not a mere affinity." He explained to her matter-of-factly. "It is a way of life."
Toon Link made his way over to the two tacticians with a couple of joy pendants in his hands.
"These are for you two!" He handed the necklaces to them cheerily. "You guys are the best crew I've ever been a captain of!" He gave them both a hug. "I love you guys!"
Marc gave Robin a smug smile while the latter just rolled her eyes.
'At least it's over now.'
And in some part of the Smash manor somewhere, Link was in a corner of woe as he questioned why his newfound crushes had seemingly left him for his alternate self. He was cute too! …wasn't he?
Sheik
"I know Smash Bros accepted a goddess on their roster…" Robin remembered out loud as her eyes followed the single most beautiful form she'd ever seen. "…I just can't believe that's not her." She sighed dreamily.
"Robin, get a hold of yourself!" Marc put both of his hands on his female counterpart's shoulders. "We're supposed to make her fall for us, not the other way around!" He pulled out a piece of paper with lots of marker lines on it. "Stick to the plan, remember?!"
"Didn't you fall for Toon Link and some lumas earlier, though?" Robin protested, though she managed to somewhat come to her senses.
"Don't confuse my affinity for cute things with your perverse sexual lust." He chided. "They're completely different." He then turned to look at their next target and…
Oh.
"Oh…" He also sighed dreamily. "No, wait!" He slapped himself. "The plan! Gotta remember!"
"What plan?" Robin asked, apparently still out of it.
"This isn't conducive to concocting our strategy!" Marc dragged Robin away from the area.
Sheik looked on, unimpressed. Her lips curved into a small frown under her mask.
"Plan…huh?"
.-.-.-.-.
"I…I feel so ashamed." Robin buried her face in her hands. "Why does she have this effect on us?"
"It's true…" Marc stared at the now impressive wall scroll of Sheik that they had on their bedroom wall. The edges were gilded with gold trim too. "Why is she so attractive? This is going to be a big problem."
"Well, it's not like we've never fallen for someone before." Robin looked at the picture of Chrom that they had on the nightstand. "It's just weird for us to fall this hard. Usually the other person is the one doing that."
"But Chrom was a special case…" Marc looked at the mark of Grima on his hand in a mixture of fondness and regret. He held out the hand with the mark on it to Robin, and she grabbed that hand with the hand that held her mark. The vessel marks resonated with a soft purple glow.
"Yeah." She nodded. "He was the only one we ever defied an all-powerful fellgod dragon and destroyed boundaries between alternate timelines for." She thought back to the memory with that same mixture of fondness and regret. "No other person held that power over us."
"So, back to the plan again?" Marc asked her.
"Yes." Robin assured him. "This is the last time we stray."
.-.-.-.-.
The Robins certainly didn't hide their plans very well. When Marc had dragged away Robin, he dropped the copy of their scheme on the ground for Sheik to pick up. Needless to say, what was written on that paper was a little disturbing… The Sheikah would have to keep an eye on them.
"So why are we dressed like this again?" Robin asked her male counterpart, donned in Link's garb.
"Well, I figured we should dress similarly to the people Sheik would find most attractive." Marc told her, donned in…Zelda's attire. With a wig of her hairstyle too.
"Shouldn't one of us be dressed as Marth or Lucina, then?" Robin cocked her head. "You don't get much more attractive than Marth and Lucina."
"Dressing as Marth's been done already, Robin. Lucina would think we were copying her. And besides, I can't dress as Chrom's daughter." Marc shook his head at the thought. "It'd be weird."
"I think you just want to look good in high heels aga-!"
"You two." Sheik's voice stopped Robin cold. The woman looked at them with such an intense glare, their limbs were rendered immobile. She stalked over to Marc and placed a hand under his chin, tilting his face up to look at her, so she could study him better.
'He has a delicate face…kind of a girlish figure too. His eyes aren't the same color as hers, though. The Adam's apple and other parts of the anatomy would ruin the effect too, but…' She closed her eyes and thought it over. She then nodded and opened her eyes again.
"You're not Princess Zelda, but you'll do." Sheik concluded.
"I…wha…?" Marc asked, stunned. The Sheikah shushed him and put a finger to his lips.
"No, don't speak." She commanded in a low, rough voice. "You'll ruin the wonderful night I'm planning, your highness." She then dragged him away, possibly to her bedroom while Robin stared on in awed silence.
'Do any of those girls actually legit like Link?' Robin wondered. 'I didn't even know Zelda's alter-ego had that kind of attraction to the princess, though. Well, it's convenient, at least.'
She beamed at Marc and gave him a thumbs-up. He just stared back at her as if he was still confused before he disappeared into the hallway with Sheik.
"Ah, my poor, misguided alter ego…" Zelda showed up near Robin. "She just doesn't understand the appeal of a toned, muscular body like I do." The princess shook her head.
"Well, I think Sheik still has pretty good taste." The female tactician gave the princess a wink. "If you're free tonight, milady?"
"I would very much enjoy watching you train." Zelda had to fan herself at the idea.
"Me too!" Peach marched in and…was that a glare she directed at Zelda?
'Weird… The phase where people fight over us in jealousy for our amusement isn't supposed to be till after we make everyone fall for us.' Robin flipped her hair to the side while the two princesses watched, captivated by the sparkles that surrounded her. 'Dang, my guns bring all the girls to the yard. Just can't turn this charm down!'
-DON'THURTME…ACTUALLYDO
Hoshi: Huh, I actually snuck some plot in here. Zelda's was the most fun to write, though. Buff female Robin is best female Robin. No one gets to complain. I'm not sorry.
Hoshi: To address some questions, though, the Robins are totes single in this story. At least until they get their harem. They reference people they've married because of player choices. Each different person they married results in a different timeline, and since Smash Bros brings different universes together, they have memories of all their different spouses as well as different appearances. It may or may not have rendered them mentally and emotionally unstable. I don't much like involving my pairing choices here, so if the Morgans ever make their way into the story, they'll have black hair as per their official artwork and no mention will be made of their parent.
Hoshi: I also forgot that Validar took the throne to Plegia, but I think that's forgivable, since the Robins here never tried to claim inheritance as far as their ambiguous endings go.