Everything © their respective owners

-IDON'TWANNABEFRIENDS

Hoshi: The Robins try to catch 'em all.

Warning: Het, slash, femslash, crack. The Robins are OOC as all get out, and I might have given up on making everyone else IC. This story doesn't really have a reason until the last chapter. And a TON of Fire Emblem: Awakening spoilers! Beat that game first if you care about spoilers! I didn't plan for plot in Lucario's part, but plot happened. Fic is still mostly nonsense, though. Pikachu and Lucario are dudes.

Hoshi: No, but really, you guys. Thanks for the reviews! They really do motivate writers to keep going, yanno.

-WANTYOURBADROMANCE

Pikachu

"Marc, no!" Robin failed in her attempt to stop him from cuddling the cute pokémon. Unfortunately for both her and her male counterpart, they ended up getting electrocuted by the iconic mascot.

"Pika!" Pikachu huffed and turned its head diagonally upwards. He then scampered off and left the charred bodies of the tacticians.

"Worth…it…!" Marc coughed in between his twitching. He was still the first to recover, so he dusted off his cloak and got up. "Robin, are you all right?"

"You know I have less resistance than you…" She glared at him before she shook her head. "Honestly, have you no self-restraint? Control yourself, man!"

"If controlling myself helps our plan, then I'll do it, but if you can't give me any reason on how to go about it, then I won't." Marc answered as he cuddled Chrom II the luma. His female counterpart rolled her eyes at the gesture.

"Let's just figure out a way to conquer that Pikachu and move on." Robin looked through her notes on pokémon and scanned the pages for anything that could help.

"We could throw a pokéball at it?" Marc suggested, a red and white sphere in his hand. Robin's eyes strayed to the ball.

"Where did you even get that?" She pointed to the aforementioned object.

"Chrom II gave it to me when I signed up to be a pokémon trainer." Marc showed her his empty badge case and trainer ID. "Unfortunately, it means I have to challenge anyone I make eye contact with to a pokémon battle."

"Nobody has the time for that!" Robin dragged him away. "But if you've got a pokéball, then that should point us in the right direction."

"But Robin, it's also our job to master all the classes!" Marc protested. "I can't be a pokémon master if I don't challenge you to a battle, and then mug you for your money if I win!"

.-.-.-.-.

"Pika…?" The pokémon tilted its head in confusion. It was unusual for the female one to approach him. Especially with a pokéball in hand.

"Get ready!" was the only warning Robin gave him before lobbing a flood of pokéballs at the mouse. Pikachu jumped out of the way, racing up the wave and avoiding the buttons that would lead to his capture.

'Doesn't she know this is dangerous?' He thought, climbing up the ever higher surging tower she was making.

"Is that all you've got?" Robin asked. Where did she get the arm-mounted launcher loaded with pokéballs? Not that Pikachu had the time to question that since she was firing it at him. Again, he ducked out of the way and narrowed his eyes.

'Getting tired of this…' Sparks danced around the red spots on his cheeks, and he sent a thunderbolt her way.

She didn't seem weighed down by the launcher at all as she leapt out of range, aimed the cannon, and fired again. Pikachu did a somersault and knocked the pokéball away with his tail. When he landed on the ground again, she was reloading ammo. Not one to waste the chance, he rocketed forward in a skull bash. Unfortunately, Robin saw that coming and swung the launcher at him the way one would use a baseball bat. Pikachu ended up crashing into a pile of pokéballs on the opposite side of the room.

What was that cannon made of, and how does she carry it over her shoulder like that? Pikachu shook off the shock, but when he came to his senses, the tactician was looming over him.

"Checkmate." She held the pokéball in front of him. "Any last words?"

"Pikachu!" And that's when Pikachu electrocuted her.

"Hwaaaah!" The tactician fell to the floor, body smoking. "That…wasn't very good…battle etiquette…" She coughed in between twitches.

"Robin!" a voice called. Marc rushed to her side with a maximum tomato.

"Avenge me." Robin said, though her injuries had healed the moment she took the tomato.

"You could've waited for me." Marc shook his head. "But, I've got the solution!" He pulled out a case, holding the bottom of it with one hand while he opened it up with the other showing off an array of Poképuffs. He knelt down and let Pikachu wander over cautiously. The mouse took one of the cupcakes between its paws tentatively and sniffed it before taking a small bite.

"Pika!" The iconic mascot nibbled the treat enthusiastically while Marc pet him behind the ears. "Chaaa…" It was odd that the pokémon was not only allowing the action, but enjoying it as well.

'Mission accomplished!' Marc gave his female counterpart a thumbs up. Robin answered the gesture with a disapproving glare.

'I hate you so much, Marc.' She thought while a princess walked into the area.

"He truly does have a way with cute creatures…" Rosalina marveled at the sight. "I think I'm falling in love all over again." Chrom II floated near her contentedly.

"Chrom II!" Marc waved to them. "And Rosalina." He seemed to say as an afterthought. "I have some non-poké cupcakes, if you'd like!"

'Note to self,' Robin thought, 'do not allow Marc to see the clip where Kirby and Luma meet. He might die of kawaiigasm or something.'

Lucario

"Stop!" Lucario barked at the two tacticians, one paw extended in front of him in a defensive gesture.

"What seems to be the problem, Lucari-?" Marc had barely taken a step when Lucario warned them again.

"Not one step closer!" The fighter backed away from them. "Both of you...I sense a sinister aura from you two…. If you get any nearer to me, I'm afraid I might have to attack out of self-defense."

"Sinister…?" Marc started, turning to look at his female counterpart.

"…aura?" Robin finished, returning the look to her male counterpart.

"If you understand, then don't follow me." Lucario backed away more. "I won't be held accountable for what happens to you two if my words go unheeded." He turned and dashed off in the opposite direction.

"Nobody threatens my Robin!" Peach and Zelda declared, though they seemed to exchange harsh looks as they followed the pokémon with Link and Mario trailing behind them. The tacticians watched the colorful group go and scanned the area for any other witnesses.

"…do you think he knows?" Marc asked, eyes darkening while the vessel mark glowed.

"If he does, he might stop us." Robin replied, her eyes also darkened while her vessel mark glowed. "Abandon the plan and bury him six feet under instead?"

"That's Grima talking, Robin." Marc warned. "And it's best to avoid murder if we can help it."

"Then how shall we proceed?" Robin asked.

"Considering the contract we made, it shouldn't be too hard to sway Lucario." Marc's lips curled into a dark smile. "It gets awfully boring when you're a goody-goody guardian all the time. I'm sure he'll find the allure of the villainous side soon enough."

"Villains after my own heart." Bowser watched them gleefully. "Turning good guys to the dark side." He nodded in approval. "…that's hot."

'He knows.' Marc gave her a look before he swiftly pulled out his Nosferatu tome. 'We have to kill him.' Robin tugged on his sleeve and stopped him.

'It's okay.' She shook her head. 'He can't do anything significant with the information anyway.' Her smile was all the assurance he needed.

.-.-.-.-.

Lucario had seen some dark auras before, ones filled with rot and so sunken with depravity that he didn't think it was possible something alive could house such a grotesque form. The Robins were like that except amplified a hundredfold. Maybe a hundred was too small a number to describe the ruin he saw… It made him want to run, but he also felt like a fly in a spider's web. When was the last time he had known such terror? The aura-seer shuddered at what the two had done in order to emanate such an ominous energy.

"Lucario." A voice called sweetly, but tinged with an enticing kind of venom. He turned and glared at the two tacticians, extending a paw towards them, preparing an aura pulse.

"Why did you follow?" He growled. "If it's a fight you want, then you've got it!"

"Easy there." Robin spoke calmly, gently holding his paw in her hand. How did she even get in front of him so quickly? "We're not here for silly fights. If you've noticed, we're not hiding anything from you now."

Lucario's eyes flitted from the female tactician to the male tactician who had his other paw in his hand somehow. Robin hadn't been lying; their auras had changed from the usual shower of sparkles that emanated from them. Now there was nothing but dark embers that circled their form.

"Relax." Marc spoke up. "Don't you find justice blinding sometimes? Take a walk in our lane for a little bit, I can promise you'll enjoy yourself."

"I…" Lucario faltered. "I had heard that you two were heroes, so why…?"

"The brightest light casts the darkest shadow." Robin stated solemnly, eyes softening. "You can't understand what you've never been through."

"This is the nice way of introducing you to evil too." Marc smiled. "The only way it could get nicer is if we baked you cookies, but ain't nobody got time for that." He waved off the suggestion. "And we're not completely malicious. You don't have to stay if you don't want to, but…" His eyes glowed purple for a second. "Once you've been in, you might not want to leave…"

"How about it?" Robin asked, her eyes glowed the same shade briefly.

Lucario should've said no. He should've run away. Unfortunately, he found the proposal more tempting than he thought he would.

.-.-.-.-.

"…"

"We should go again!" Robin pumped a fist in the air, the rush from the roller coaster still hadn't worn off for her.

"If only they could build it higher…" Marc daydreamed about his impossible monster coaster fondly.

"…isn't this just a date?" Lucario finally asked. The Robins had taken him to an amusement park and were currently in the process of riding all the possibly unsafe contraptions with him. As they climbed aboard the Merry-Go-Round, the Robins turned to him with innocent expressions, though he certainly knew better.

"Well, I guess you could call it that, but we are using stolen money." Marc explained.

"Yeah, from that one corrupt noble." Robin recalled the event with him, nodding. "Shook that sucker down good!"

"I told you that it would be worthwhile to be a pokémon master." Marc gave her a smug smile.

"And who was the one who got the amulet coin?" Robin pointed out, knocking him off his high horse.

"Hwah!" Marc fell off the carousel stallion. "You stole that amulet coin off some punk!"

"Yeah, but when I tried to return it to the original owner, he let me keep it." Robin reminded him. Well, if only because the guy thought she was hot, but it still counted. And Lucario didn't need to know that part.

"But then," Lucario cocked his head, "aren't you two actually good guys?"

"Stealing is stealing regardless of whether you're doing it for a good purpose or not." Robin said matter-of-factly. "All sins are equal under an objective light."

"I see…" Lucario nodded. He could understand the Robins better now. It just seemed like they had no problems at all with committing crimes, and that was troubling. Though, they turned out to be rather harmless in the grand scheme of things compared to most villains. Maybe their auras reflected a lot of tiny crimes rather than big ones? They probably killed a lot of enemy soldiers, and with their sense of what bad is, they probably still hold that weight in their aura.

"Do you regret taking a walk down our lane?" Marc asked, handing him a chocolate crepe.

"Strangely, no." Lucario took the treat and nibbled it. "I…I suppose I was wrong about you two."

The Robins laughed good-naturedly enough for Lucario not to be suspicious of anything.

'This fool…'

'…has no idea.'

"Why does he get to go on a date with them?" Zelda didn't even have time to question why her noble etiquette was slipping. It just wasn't fair. Were the Robins just into non-human beings or…?

"I wouldn't mind dressing up like a non-human if they were into that." Link murmured absentmindedly. He thought about what he said for a second and pulled out a Zora mask. "I knew I put up with the Happy Mask Salesman and his creepiness for good reason!"

"Give me that!" Zelda tackled him to the ground.

Sheik watched the scene with conflicting feelings. She wouldn't have minded being Link in that situation, but Marc…had proven difficult to get out of her mind. She shook her head at that, trying to remind herself of the Robins' evil plans. Zelda's dress got torn, though, so she promptly forgot about it. Princess Zelda's lovely skin!

Charizard

Charizard was probably their easiest conquest yet. The fire-breathing pokémon had curled a wing around each of them and nuzzled her head on top of Robin with an endearing purr.

"Wonder why she's taking to us so well…" Marc pet the top of the reptile's head and smiled as Charizard cuddled into his touch.

"Do you think it's because she senses Grima in us?" Robin idly wondered. "An all-powerful fellgod dragon with the ability to bring an entire timeline to its knees…must sound so attractive to another dragon."

"Last time I checked, Charizard wasn't a dragon." Marc denied the idea.

"Charrrr…" the pokémon seemed to take offense to the suggestion.

"Well, it's not like other reptiles can't find dragons attractive." Robin rubbed her head against Charizard's neck and earned an appreciative purr. "Though, I do wonder why Bowser didn't fall for us just as quickly."

"Bowser's probably more human-steered, I suppose." Marc suggested.

"Well, Princess Peach IS lovely enough to attract all kinds." Robin nodded thoughtfully. Marc chuckled at that, since Robin would know.

"I guess that means Charizard thinks us less human and more dragon-like." Marc scratched Charizard under her chin.

"Not like we haven't been called worse." Robin smiled as she rubbed the pokémon's belly.

"When we complete our plan, I wouldn't mind keeping Charizard." Marc also rubbed the pokémon's belly. "She's just like a puppy. Aww, so cute!"

"Marc, please." The palm of Robin's hand met her face. "You're going to set the place on fire." She gestured to Charizard's tail wagging as a result of him rubbing the pokémon's belly.

"The whole manor could burn down, and it'd still be worth it." Marc ignored her. Robin opened her mouth to tell him that was Grima talking when their surroundings immediately caught fire.

"Ah!" Robin threw up her hands in the air before she dashed away from the area. As soon as she was far enough, she pulled out a wind tome. "Blizzard!" She called out, sending blocks of ice to put out the flames while Marc continued to pet Charizard blissfully.

"They never pet me like that…" Bowser watched the scene resentfully. Wasn't he the first non-human they interacted with here? What did that other fire-breathing reptile have over him, anyway?! Charizard wasn't even evil!

Greninja

They had only been around Greninja for maybe all of five minutes when the ninja frog had presented them with a room full of treasure and a white gem ring for Robin. Greninja even got down on one knee. The only proposal Robin found more romantic was Flavia's. And Marc continually reminded her that Flavia's wasn't even a real proposal.

"I like this pokémon already." Robin said, admiring the gesture.

"I don't know…" Marc eyed Greninja warily. "Who proposes to someone they just met?"

"Chrom to Olivia." Robin answered immediately.

"Hey, they do NOT count!" Marc protested. "They had at most a year and maybe a couple of months when they could've made Lucina! Plenty of time they could've used to get to know each other."

"Wouldn't change the fact that it's still a pretty whirlwind romance." Robin was tempted to sing 'Call me, maybe,' but no one needed that song stuck in their heads right now.

"I suppose so." Marc grudgingly agreed.

"Greninja?" The pokémon cocked her head. She then dashed out of an open window and came back with a ridiculously large battle axe, presenting it to Robin with both of her webbed hands. There was a little bit of blood on the blade, though the tactician didn't seem to care (or maybe it was because of the blood that) Robin sparkled.

"Let's get married!" The tactician declared as she threw her arms around the pokémon.

"But Robin, the plan!" Marc reminded her. Greninja would've raised a brow - if she had any - at the sheet of paper the male tactician produced.

"Ah, you're right!" Robin buried her face in her hands. "I told myself I wouldn't stray anymore!" She balled her fists. She then dashed out of an open window.

"Greninja!" The pokémon shouted displeasure at one of her prospective brides leaving her. Robin then came back, crashing through the wall with an expensive ribbon in her hand. She got down on one knee and presented the new gift to the pokémon.

"Marry us." Robin ordered more than asked. Greninja looked at her in confusion, wondering why the human had to be the one proposing and what difference it made. She shrugged and nodded to the proposal.

"Excellent." Marc then leapt out of an open window.

Greninja was starting to wonder about the sanity of these two newcomers, but she ignored it. They were steeped in an enticing kind of shadowy energy, and she would be a fool to not put a ring on them. There were no two beings more attractive to the dark type she was.

"If my two ladies are ready?" Marc came back through the hole Robin made in the wall with two suits and a wedding dress in hand. "I've never worn a bride dress and stilettos before. This will be an interesting experience."

As they all wed, Robin and Marc wondered if they might have gotten off track on the plan somehow.

The Robins' previous conquests admired the sight of Marc in the wedding dress and Robin in a tuxedo, but had to admit that it kind of hurt to see them wed to…a frog…of all smashers. Zora Link found this to be the most unfair, but played his fishbone guitar at the ceremony anyway.

Zelda arranged the flowers, Peach baked the wedding cake, Rosalina decorated the place with her lumas, Mario and Luigi were security guards, Bowser did the fireworks, Sheik played the harp, Toon Link was the conductor for the music players, Pikachu powered all the lights, Lucario was just kind of confused about the whole thing, and Charizard was setting things on fire.

Much tears were shed, but the way the Robins looked at them, with that kind of smile, it seemed like marriage didn't mean they were completely off the market somehow.

'As if marriage meant it's game over…' The Robins laughed mentally at the thought. 'They have no idea.'

Intelligent Systems may have denied them a harem, but they certainly wouldn't let Smash Bros. do the same.

-WECOULDWRITEABADROMANCE

Hoshi: I think 'Bad Romance,' even if only in title, sums up this story very well.

Hoshi: To address some questions, well, I didn't know female Sheik was that rare, honestly. My creator leans towards female Sheik, but we're all fine with any gender Sheik. Also, since Sheik is her own character in the newest Smash Bros. roster, it only makes sense to have her be her own character. Even if she wasn't a separate character in the roster, I still would've made her a separate character anyway.

Hoshi: The Robins married ALL the shepherds in different timelines, yes. They also married all the Spotpass characters and Anna and the second gen, yes. Pretty much everybody. How else were they supposed to have completed that support log? And I'm pretty sure that since they married everyone, all of those units had to have fallen in love with them.

Hoshi: Also, was Ganondorf officially confirmed for Smash Bros. Wii U or 3DS? This story only covers playable characters for those games. If Ganondorf and any other character get confirmed, I'll do a 'loose ends' kind of chapter for them. I may do a story for the other playable characters from past games if I feel I can pull it off and if people want to read that (Tell me in the reviews if you do). I already have an idea for Roy, but the story will have to come after this one is complete.