Everything © their respective owners
-HEYIJUSTMETYOU
Hoshi: Nightmare in Smashville.
Warning: Het, slash, femslash, crack. The Robins are OOC as all get out, and I might have given up on making everyone else IC. This story doesn't really have a reason until the last chapter. And a TON of Fire Emblem: Awakening spoilers! Beat that game first if you care about spoilers! Mild swearing. Ganondorf and King K. Rool make an appearance. Descriptive interior castle design. Villagers do not talk. Animal Crossing feels. Angry screaming Robins.
Hoshi: I'm going to include the first four alt color schemes for the Villagers, and no one can stop me. Just "Villager" is the default villager. "Villager B" is the first girl villager with the sparkly eyes and pink hair. "Villager X" is the second girl villager with the green eyes and green dress. "Villager Y" is the second boy villager with the blue eyes and yellow shirt. All together they're referred to as "Villagers."
Hoshi: Why B/X/Y? Because I can, and now they can be a cool BXY rock band. Just kidding. They don't get to be a band in this chapter. Maybe in a future one.
-ANDTHISISCRAZY
Kirby
"I cannot even…" Robin buried her face in her hands and shook her head. "Curse Nintendo and their ridiculous abundance of cute creatures."
"Look, Robin, I think he likes bear meat too!" Marc's eyes sparkled as he chattered on excitedly. "Kirby is adorable AND a top class connoisseur!"
"No, I'm pretty sure that means he'll eat anything." Robin answered as she watched the pink marshmallow-like creature put whole cakes into its mouth. "Where did you even get the time to make all this food?" She glanced around the large room practically filled with all sorts of cuisine. Thank the gods, ants and cockroaches hadn't invaded yet.
"A tactician has to master all classes." Marc told her matter-of-factly. "I didn't let myself get yelled at constantly by an angry blond man and cry myself to sleep at night just to fail at being the next Master Chef."
"Poyo!" Kirby put on a chef's hat and took out a frying pan.
"Kirby, are you a Master Chef too?" Marc asked, eyes sparkling with admiration.
"Mm-hm!" Kirby nodded. He put the hat away and then donned a small tactician cloak that looked like it was tailored to fit him. "Arcfiyahhh!" He cast the spell and set a nearby pillar aflame.
"Not this shit again…" Robin ran a far distance and cast Blizzard to put out the flames.
"Robin, Kirby is the best smasher!" Marc called after her. "He can master all the classes too!"
"Who cares about mastering all the classes?!" She called back to him. "Just get the skills you need and stop!"
"Where's your integrity as a tactician?!" Marc yelled back at her, shaking his fist. "Have you no shame?! You'll never be a Class Master with that line of thinking!"
"P-pai…" Grima's mark glowed on Kirby's stubby hand and made his eyes darken briefly. He shook the feeling away and took off the cloak. "Scary…" He shuddered. Then he continued eating his cakes and promptly forgot about it.
"Ahhh, you're sho cute!" Marc hugged him. "Agreeing to join Smash Bros. was the best. Decision. EVER."
Chrom II watched the sight and felt betrayed. Rosalina had to comfort the now sobbing luma.
"I know…Kirby was one of your new best friends, and he stole Marc away." She nodded. The princess fixed a dark look on the puffball and swore vengeance in the name of her luma.
Meta Knight
"Finally," Robin wiped the blood from her mouth and grinned, "a worthy opponent." She adjusted the grip on her Levin sword and charged forward again.
"Hmph." Meta Knight brought up his blade to block her strike. He pushed it back and swung horizontally, but she had hopped back to avoid it. He wrapped himself in his cape and disappeared. Robin's eyes flitted from side to side before she tossed her sword away and pulled out a tome. He reappeared behind her and knocked her off balance, but she got up just as quickly.
"Thunder!" She cast a small stream of bolts towards him. Meta Knight swirled around in a tornado and deflected the blow…onto Marc.
"Ow!" The male tactician complained. He pulled out his tome and cast a shadowy spell around Robin. "Nosferatu!"
"Why is he…?" Meta Knight didn't have time to finish his question as Robin sunk into the floor and then reappeared in front of him.
"Astra." She cast five thunder spells consecutively, but even though she was up close to him, he managed to roll out of the way and dodge each one. He was not expecting her to smack him into the air with the Levin sword that he thought he saw her throw away, though.
"Elwind!" Marc threw out a hand and slicing winds sent Meta Knight flying off the stage. Or it would've if Meta Knight wasn't gliding back on another air current. He wrapped himself in his cape again and appeared behind Marc, sending the tactician rocketing off the stage.
"Hwaah!" Marc managed a quick 'avenge me' before he lost the last stock of his life.
Meta Knight turned to face Robin and stared her down. She raised her Levin sword again and charged forward.
'I thought she would've known better by now…' Meta Knight thought as he brought his blade up to block again. This time, however, she disappeared in front of him. Caught off guard, he quickly scanned the area before he felt her presence behind him.
"Lethality." She said, tone low and cold before the world turned black.
The next thing he knew he was far away from the stage, and there went his last stock of life.
"This winner is…ROBIN!" The announcer shouted.
"You've sorely underestimated me!" Robin flipped her snowy locks to the side as sparkles came off her in spades. Some smashers in the audience erupted into cheers. People swooned, noses bled, and some outright fainted. Marc applauded her enthusiastically, and Meta Knight grudgingly clapped for her as she strode up to him with a smug smirk.
"You're a great warrior," she commended him, "but to the victor go the spoils."
Meta Knight briefly glared at her before accepting his fate.
.-.-.-.-.
"…"
"Enjoying your tea, Meta Knight?" Marc asked.
"I don't see how I can enjoy my beverage when I have to take my mask off." Meta Knight grumbled. "And…isn't this just a date?" The Robins took him to a cozy tea shop somewhere near Smashville.
"Hey, I'm the winner here," Robin pointed out, taking the cake she ordered from the waitress gratefully, "and if I want you to have tea and crumpets with us, you don't get to argue. Now siddown and drink up! Tea Brewster will get offended if you just wait for it to cool."
"…mn." Meta Knight still didn't want to remove his mask. "Didn't you two marry someone? It's not only odd, but very disrespectful to your spouse to go on dates with other people."
"Oh, I'm sure Greninja's okay with this." Marc shrugged.
Meanwhile…
Greninja was looking up dark magic spells to curse anyone fool enough to steal away her wives. Unfortunately, a lot of spells required frogs, and that was too gross for her to consider. They also required weaving complicated knots and not having thumbs was kind of a problem. Curse these finned flippers! She cut up the possibly expensive tomes with her water shuriken.
Back at the café…
"Now, we can go about this two ways," Robin gave the star warrior a sinister smile, "either you take your mask off yourself or I do it for you. Take the latter option, and you won't be getting it back for the rest of the day."
"…are you one of NME's monsters?" He asked, though the tacticians weren't sure if he was saying that with a straight face or not.
"Don't equate us to lowly scrub creatures like that." Marc said casually before taking a sip of his tea.
"We can be far worse." Robin grinned. The temperature around their table noticeably dropped. Meta Knight's eyes flit from the female strategist to the male strategist before finally settling on the tea in front of him.
"…fine." He yielded and removed his mask to reveal a-!
"Cuuuute!" Marc immediately hugged him. "You're just like a Kirby, awww!"
"H-hey!" Meta Knight tried to push the human away, but the tactician's grip was deceptively strong. Marc was making it hard to drink his tea too.
Robin ate her cake and didn't lift a finger to help. No one gets to argue against Marc wanting to cuddle a Kirby.
Meta Knight sighed and resigned himself to his fate. At least Marc was kind of nice to look at even if he was a little clingy. And he'd have been a better fighter than Meta Knight if he had no shortage of tomes. Strength was attractive.
Chrom II watched through the window and glared at the other round, dark blue, squishy creature. He wrote down 'Meta Knight' under the 'Kirby' entry on his list of cute creatures to get vengeance on.
King DeDeDe
"And so we start our meeting of Evil Royalty United." Ganondorf tapped his stack of papers on the desk to straighten them out. The Gerudo king noticed a wing raised in the group and gestured towards the member. "What seems to be the problem, DeDeDe?"
"Why are these two here?" He pointed a wing at the Robins.
"Once upon a time, we were actually royalty." Marc explained.
"At least till dear old dad kicked the bucket and left us with a ruined country." Robin shook her head. "Alas, poor Plegia…no nation would lend a hand to help you now. Validar is dead for good, and Gangrel is probably drunk in a gutter somewhere."
"Evil Royalty United does not accept former evil royalty!" King K. Rool exclaimed.
"Just because we never claimed our inheritance to the throne doesn't mean we still can't." Marc pointed out. "A broken country is still a country we can rule over."
"But you guys aren't evil." DeDeDe protested.
"BWAHAHAHAHA!" Bowser burst into laughter with the Robins at that.
"King DeDeDe, I fear you haven't heard…" Marc wiped away a tear.
"…we happen to be self-insert canon sues that are vessels for a fellgod dragon." Robin said. And in that moment, black flames rose behind them, an image of Grima chuckling darkly as it towered over the group.
"Still hot." Bowser commented.
"Impressive." Ganondorf added. Displays of dominance and power were attractive.
"Just don't get in our way, newbs." DeDeDe had a pecking order to establish, and he certainly wasn't going to lose to some situational evil royalty. The Robins just winked at him.
"Onto our first order of business, then." Ganondorf continued. "It's the fourth week of the last month of the scorching season, and that means it's time to raid a poor village before burning it to the ground." Cheers erupted through the club. "Let's have our newcomers do the honors, then."
.-.-.-.-.
"…" the villains watched on with looks of horror and shock as flames and spikes rained from the sky and battered the village underneath the storm.
Both Robins were rampaging atop the shoulder of a Grimleal fellgod, terrorizing any and all that opposed them. The dragon Marc was standing on had a more purplish shade while the dragon Robin stood on had an obsidian-like polish.
"Remember your place." Marc said calmly, raising the arm that held his vessel mark to direct Grima. "BENEATH ME!" He cast several thoron spells to go with a volley of spikes.
"AHAHAHAHA!" Robin cackled maniacally, raising the arm that held her vessel mark to direct the Grima under her control. "KNEEL BEFORE ME, WORMS!" Another volley of spikes hit the village, accompanied with streams of fire.
"…so hot." Was all Bowser could say.
"Very turned on right now." Ganondorf agreed. Displays of tyranny were beyond attractive.
"Stop right there!" a heroic voice called.
"Mario, that puny brother of yours, Princess Peach, and blue Princess Peach!" Bowser snarled at the arrivals. Luigi sighed at the fact that Bowser didn't even remember his name, and Rosalina took offense to that 'blue Princess Peach' comment.
"Hero of Time. Princess Zelda. Brat. Ninja Zelda." Ganondorf gave them a level stare. Toon Link crossed his arms at 'brat,' and Sheik didn't give a single fuck about 'ninja Zelda.' It was more of a compliment in her eyes.
"Kirby and masked blue Kirby!" DeDeDe yelled, though Meta Knight sent him flying for that 'masked blue Kirby' comment.
"Here to save this village like the heroes you are?" King K. Rool asked, wondering why DK and Diddy hadn't appeared too while a handful of pokémon did show up. He would've felt left out if his other members that weren't evil Nintendo aristocrats hadn't been ignored too.
"No." Mario answered, lighting a fireball.
"We're here to-a join in." Luigi explained.
…
"You?" Bowser asked in disbelief. "All of you?!"
"If it's for my dear Robin," Zelda unsheathed her Sonic Sword, "I would do anything."
"Yep." Toon Link nodded before boarding his pirate ship and firing cannons everywhere.
"Agreed." Rosalina said, though her eyes strayed to Kirby and Meta Knight.
"This is good." King K. Rool schemed. "If Princess Peach and Zelda are now on our side, we can have more members for Evil Royalty United. The rest of them will make good minions as well."
"We don't…have enough…hoo…admission badges for them." DeDeDe protested in between pants. Meta Knight really sent him far away with that hit.
"We'll just have to take away yours, DeDeDe." Ganondorf said as he indeed took away DeDeDe's admission badge.
"You can't be serious!" DeDeDe threw his wings up in the air.
"We're Evil Royalty United." The Gerudo King reminded him. "You should've expected something like this. And besides, you're not even that evil to begin with. You're just negligent of your land's affairs." DeDeDe puffed up his cheeks and frowned.
"Well, you're missin' out on a waddle dee army then!" He yelled before he stormed off in the opposite direction.
"Yeah, because that's so menacing!" Ganondorf laughed with his other cabinet members.
Lucky that DeDeDe did escape, though because the smashers who weren't in love with the Robins came in to save the village and kicked all the villains' asses. Then Lucina lectured the Robins about using Grima irresponsibly.
"Sorry, Villagers." They bowed and apologized to Villager, Villager B, Villager X, and Villager Y. "We'll make up for this later." They gave the small group a wink.
.-.-.-.-.
"King DeDeDe, wait!" The Robins trailed after the penguin.
"Whadda you two want?" He whirled at them.
"We heard about what happened to you." Marc said.
"So we quit Evil Royalty United." Robin explained.
"Wha…why?" DeDeDe asked.
"How could we stay in a group that no longer included the best villainous noble ever?" Marc scoffed.
"We want to make a new club with you as the monarch." Robin and Marc kneeled respectfully, looking like a pair of knights in tactician cloaks.
"R-really?" He blinked. "I…I mean, of course you would!" He put his wings on his hips in pride, puffing out his chest. "We'll be the Noble Villains Co.! And we'll be better than Evil Royalty United ever was!"
"Yeaahhh!" Robin and Marc balled their fists.
DeDeDe liked that adoring look on them. It made them shine like gems what with the odd sparkles that continuously surrounded them. The glow made them weirdly attractive too. Yes, they would make good brides for a king like him. Greninja can weep at their wedding.
"Him…?" Bowser asked in disbelief. "The best evil aristocrat…?" He snapped his head up and roared skyward, "WHAT?!"
Villagers
Villager Y was planting a lovely garden of blue and golden roses when a banded dragon fly zoomed passed him. He was a bit taken aback, but continued watering the blooms anyway. Then Villager B ran through them with her butterfly nets ablaze. Villager Y stared at the wreck in shock before he looked skyward with his stubby hands up in the air. Streams of tears gushed from his eyes as he silently screamed 'whyyyy?!"
Villager B continued to chase after the dragonfly, running over pots and people and…anything that dared to get in her way, really. Her sparkling eyes never changed expression until she tripped over her feet. Maybe she should've bought that good luck charm from Katrina after all, but screw paying 10k for an ugly Tingle Hood.
Villager rolled his eyes at the act and went back to his fishing. Villager X was lying down on her stomach next to him and continued writing her letters on the shore they shared.
Pete the mailpelican flew down near Villager and Villager X, scaring away Villager's fish. He briefly glared at the pelican with a 'I will hit you with a shovel later' kind of look while Villager X handed Pete the letter she finished writing.
"You two have a letter from the Robins." Pete handed the two some fancy-looking envelopes. "And those other two are for your fellow Villagers if you can get it to them. Thank you for relying on Smashville Post Office!" He bowed politely and flew off, crashing into a random balloon tied to a present along the way. Villager decided to postpone his revenge plans as Pete landed on his beak when he hit the ground.
Villager then exchanged curious looks with Villager X before they divided up the envelopes and went to get their friends. Villager Y was holding a funeral for his plants, so Villager X stayed for the ceremony before taking him back to the other Villagers. Villager B was creeping up on the dragonfly that was resting on a rock when Villager caught her with his net and dragged her away, the pink-haired girl kicking and screaming quiet screams.
.-.-.-.-.
They had expected an apology for Smashville nearly being destroyed, but the only thing in the envelopes were identical maps with a big red X marked on them. Naturally, the Villagers thought that meant they had to dress up as pirates and find treasure. What they found when they got there was a huge golden castle.
Jaws dropped, it took a second before they could get up the nerve to go in. That was where their house was, and Villager hadn't even paid off the fourth mortgage yet! Who the heck built a fortress over their cozy cottage?! Was it the Robins?! Was terrorizing Smashville not enough for them?! Villager was going to chop them up with an axe and hide their bodies in the basement! The group knocked the door down, demanding answers in their usual silent way.
Well, whoever they were, they sure had good taste. The main room was split up into three parts. The bottom right corner had a writing desk near a bookshelf, probably for Villager X to write her letters. The bottom left corner had a planter and potted ivies along with a nice end table to display flowers. The top half of the room had flat-screen TVs and wall-mounted speakers that looked like they could make for a nice movie or game night along with some comfortable astro sofas.
Villager looked to his group and made them snap out of the interior design splendor. They needed to find the culprit and get their autographs before chopping them up for destroying their house! They may be impressive interior design artists, but they still (possibly) wrecked their home! The Villagers split up, Villager heading right for the back room. Villager B went downstairs to the basement while Villager Y went to the left wing and Villager X went to the right wing.
Villager found an aquarium that featured a handful of his favorite sea fish. Along the walls were shelves of miniature fossils and potted plants. It was like a mini model of a jungle, almost. The sound of cicadas in their cages was the only sound in the room. He quite liked it, and he was sure Villager B would too, considering the rare insects, but shook his head. He would not be distracted by this display of decorating skill! Oh dear, was that a tarantula that escaped? KILL IT WITH FIRE! Except that might hurt the fish and other bugs, so he batted it back into its box with his axe instead.
Villager B found a rest area with sleek beds and chaise lounges. There was a soda fountain and ice cream case in one corner and a refrigerator and freezer in the other corner. There was also a deluxe range and kitchen sink up in the top half of the room. Villager Y would love to use those for cooking, she thought. There was also a nice stereo and some more wall-mounted speakers. Villager B wanted to burn the house down. These home decorators were mocking them! But she could also use a soda, so she trotted over and took a little siesta with a cold drink in hand.
Villager X found a bathhouse with whirlpool baths as well as refurbished bathtubs. There were screens to split up the baths and ensured privacy. On one side of the wall were some bathroom sinks and two wardrobes. Spa chairs and wash basins were close enough to the bathtubs. There was a Pisces lamp along the wall and a sconce, she assumed to change the color of the lighting. How considerate. She would kill the decorators slowly for making the place so beautiful. Villager would cry to be rid of such a nice room. But first, she had to get out her golden shovel to bury the bodies, so she walked over to the wardrobes.
Villager Y found a…bar of all things. There was a refrigerator, turntable, and ice shelf behind a gorgeous counter and green counter. There were refurbished ranch tables in between refurbished box sofas and a white piano in the corner with a pink velvet stool in front of it. Villager X would've loved to jam on that piano. Villager Y just sobbed. The whole room was stunning, and they really needed to murder those decorators. Who did they think they were?! Demolishing their house and showing them up with this amazing castle! But he also wanted to mix a drink with those weird names they always had in bars. Maybe put some poison in it for the intruders too.
The Villagers then marched up the stairs to the second story room, equipped with axes and shovels. They found a room of golden furniture and treasure chests (which made them feel better for being dressed as pirates), and crawling weakly on the floor were two tacticians.
"…how…do you people…live like this?!" Marc struggled to ask.
"Loans…so many loans…!" Robin looked like she was having flashbacks.
The Villagers just stared at the two, before light bulbs appeared above their heads. The strategists didn't destroy their house. The Robins built their house up, probably to make up for terrorizing Smashville not too long ago.
"People refurbishing furniture you wanted to order from the HHA showcase!" Marc yelled out suddenly.
"Boating back and forth to a tiny island while some creepy Kappa hits on you!" Robin snarled.
"Waiting for turnip prices to spike and having to sell them for negative net profit!" Marc threw his arms up in the air.
"TRYING TO CATCH THAT SAME TARANTULA THAT KEEPS BITING YOU!" Robin screamed skyward.
"ROTTEN PERFECT FRUIT AND BAMBOO SHOOTS GROWING EVERYWHERE!" Marc shouted.
"GETTING AN ORE ROCK, BUT OH, NO GOLD NUGGETS FOR YOU!" Robin balled her fists.
"CAN'T ORDER GRACIE'S FURNITURE FROM THE CATALOG BECAUSE THEY'RE DESIGNER!" Marc gripped his hair hard.
"FALLING IN THAT PITFALL WHILE RUNNING TO THE STORE BEFORE IT CLOSES AND THERE GOES YOUR SHARK PREMIUM!" Robin almost broke a table, but she restrained herself. Golden tables didn't FALL FROM TREES EVEN THOUGH LOTS OF FURNITURE FELL FROM TREES.
"TRYING TO MAKE THE PERFECT SNOWBOY. 'OH, SO CLOSE!' WHAT THE FUCK DID I EVEN DO WRONG, YOU'RE PERFECT!" Marc nearly punched out a window, but if he broke it, he would've had to pay for it.
"I hope Tom Nook and Lyle drown under the oceans of cash we had to give them." Robin hissed, eyes darkening.
"Multiply the amount of bullions we had to sell by a hundred, and that's how much I want little Miss Gracie Grace to suffer." Marc growled, eyes darkening as well.
"Reese and Cyrus can be lovey-dovey in the Underworld; I'll happily send them there." Robin's vessel mark glowed. "Teach them to have the same useless sea bass premium when they should be having shark premiums!"
"I want Timmy and Tommy Nook to enjoy all the shiny bells we gave them and be happy, successful, and safe." Marc calmed down considerably. "I won't allow rage to ever harm such adorable little creatures."
"AND I WANT RESETTI TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DIE!" Flames rose up exponentially behind the two tacticians, but nothing caught fire.
The Villagers gave the Robins a sympathetic look. Poor newbs had no idea that Animal Crossing was a game of pain and obsession before it was ever a relaxing place. They carried the Robins to the basement lounge and played some relaxing music on the stereo for them. Their heroes braved the trials and tribulations of endless torture for them and got the nicest house out of it. Hearts appeared over their heads, and the tacticians grinned.
'It'll all be worth it.'
Greninja spied on the house from outside in the perfect cherry tree Robin planted. She narrowed her eyes at the treasure peeking out from the top floor.
How could her spouses use the treasure she used to propose to them and build a house for some kids with it?! They never braved a world of suffering and built a castle for her, and they were all married! She sharpened her water shuriken ruefully. Those Villagers were going to regret stealing away her lovely dark types and their ridiculously hot display of rage and despair.
-BUTCALLMEMAYBE
Hoshi: I'm going to answer questions later. Time is kind of tight for us right now. Also, do remember that I started writing this story before SSB:3DS came out, so naturally, there's going to be some inconsistent stuff, and I have to re-do my planning for these chapters on top of not having time to write. I'm lucky that I'm writing crack, though, so it's more acceptable for me to make very little sense compared to my creator.
Hoshi: And yes, the previous chapter was supposed to poke fun at the Pokémon anime for having people catch pokémon more effectively by befriending them rather than actually battling them.