Everything © their respective owners
-I'LLBETHEPRINCESSYOUCANBETHEPRINCESSTOO
Hoshi: The Robins shop for bananas, punch people's lights out, and run people over with a race car.
Warning: Het, slash, femslash, crack. The Robins are OOC as all get out, and I might have given up on making everyone else IC. This story doesn't really have a reason until the last chapter. And a TON of Fire Emblem: Awakening spoilers! Beat that game first if you care about spoilers! The BXY band makes an appearance after all. Jigglypuff gets a cameo. Robin is so done with you nerds. Grima will meet you in the boxing ring. Poor…poor Captain Falcon…
Hoshi: Hey, old readers! Since this story is now finished, I would like to give all of you a late disclaimer. The Robins do a ton of illegal and unsafe stuff in this story, so please do not imitate them when you want to make someone or someones fall in love with you! I think you're all smart enough to know this without me telling you, but well, this gives my creator and other well-meaning obsessive worrywarts peace of mind.
-IT'SALOVESTORY
Donkey Kong
"…I can't believe this was so easy." Robin adjusted her seating a little.
"Me neither." Marc pulled Robin into his lap, so they could both be in DK's throne more comfortably.
The aforementioned ape was putting on a bongo drum concert for them to show appreciation for all the bananas the two tacticians brought for him. The strategists clapped their hands to the beat and smiled.
"Well, no need to complain about an easy victory, right?" Marc relaxed into the tall throne.
"We can do better!" Zora Link declared as he joined in with his fishbone guitar.
"Yeah." Sheik added dully, though her harp was completely in tune with the other instruments.
Villager was literally playing an axe, Villager X was on drums, Villager B was on bass guitar, and Villager Y was singing with a mic stand. All the Villagers couldn't speak, though, so while there were musical notes materializing around Villager Y, no singing could be heard.
Jigglypuff attempted to get on stage, but Lucario swept her off and away with a 'Jigglypuff, no.' Pikachu-dressed-up-as-a-sparkly-idol took Jigglypuff's place instead, but all he could sing was his name. Well, at least he wasn't putting people to sleep.
"All together now!" Toon Link waved his hand and Windwaker in a conductor-like fashion. DK just stared at the ensemble of music players before he shrugged and continued to set the beat for everyone to follow.
"Poyo!" Kirby hopped onto stage with a mic in hand and headphones on.
"Introducing Microphone Kirby!" Meta Knight felt compelled to explain. "He hasn't used it in a while, so I've forgotten what it does, honestly."
"Paaaaaiyo! P-paiyo!" Kirby's voice sang, making everyone in the area save Marc hold their hands over their ears.
"NOW I REMEMBER!" Meta Knight yelled over the tone-deaf singing. "THIS IS ONE OF KIRBY'S MOST DANGEROUS MOVES, HITTING FRIEND AND FOE ALIKE!" He wrapped himself in his cape and reappeared around Robin, teleporting her away.
"Cuuuute!" Marc cooed as the song apparently did not harm him in the slightest. "Just look at you with your headphones and deafening vocals! You bring the house down, little singer Kirby!"
And bring the place down Kirby did. Literally. DK dug Marc out of the rubble and looked at the mess of squished bananas under his shambled home with sad eyes. Marc rubbed the ape's shoulder gently, giving him a sympathetic smile.
"I once built a castle with Robin, so I'm sure we can rebuild your empire." The tactician put on a chef's hat and grabbed a frying pan. "And I might be able to salvage a banana-themed meal if anything's in edible condition."
DK watched as sparkles seemed to surround the strategist and applauded his new hero. He hoped Candy Kong wouldn't get jealous.
Diddy Kong
"Wheeeee!" Diddy cheered as he flew through the sky on his newly-designed wooden jetpack. The two strategists watched on with curious expressions.
"…how is he doing that?" Marc asked.
"Why isn't the wood igniting from the flames?" Robin added.
"I don't understand the logic behind this mock-primitive technology." The male tactician shook his head.
"Does nothing in this universe make any sense?" The female tactician threw her hands up in the air.
"I suppose an obscene amount of money can make anything scientifically possible." Marc shrugged. "I just hope all those odd jobs we had to do will move us forward in our plan."
"You were surprisingly good at pole-dancing." Robin recalled. "Even if you only picked that because they let you wear high heels."
"I am clearly the prettiest princess in Smash save for Lucina." Marc tossed his hair like a diva. "How high is Diddy planning on flying anyway?"
That question was answered with the loud sound of sputtering and sparks flying. It was followed by Diddy plummeting from the sky. The Robins quickly grabbed some pillows in the room and made a fort for the monkey to land on.
"Oddly convenient that he has these for testing." Robin nodded as she put on the finishing touches. They then took a step back and took out their wind tomes.
"Elwind!" The two tacticians commanded as they cast a slowing current to ease Diddy's landing. The monkey fell atop the pillow fort that was oddly shaped in Chrom's likeness earlier. Diddy dug himself out of the pile and shook off the dizziness. He clapped his hands and then bounded off to the table to edit his blueprints. Marc followed in idle curiosity as a fellow scientist.
"Oh, these are fascinating." Marc said with a hand under his chin. "So that's how the wood doesn't ignite!"
"Nerds." Robin coughed into her fist.
Diddy smiled at the praise and puffed his chest out in pride. Then a missile broke down the door of his treehouse. A big orange ball rolled into the room while an orange lasso beam hooked onto a branch. The ball unrolled into a Samus while Zero Suit Samus swung in on the lasso beam.
"Marc, don't fall for the charms of some pretentious mock prehistoric technology!" Samus warned. "As my fellow colleague, you should know my database is FAR more advanced."
"And besides, the extent of Diddy's technology will probably just go to collecting bananas or something." Zero Suit Samus agreed, nodding sternly. "You could do a lot better."
"But Samus, you don't know how to make a jetpack out of wood." Marc pointed out.
"That…makes a difference somehow?" Samus asked, slowly.
"It shows creativity!" Marc's eyes sparkled. "And it's the very picture of necessity being the mother of invention!"
"Pssh!" A voice said outside the treehouse. A clown car rose up around the outside of it with Bowser at the helm. "I could show you a technological invention that'd really impress you!"
"It looks tacky!" Robin remarked, making the Koopa King frown.
"But…but look at this firepower I'm packing!" Bowser's clown car thing produced some cannons bigger than Master Hand. "I bet I could demolish this dumb treehouse!"
"Don't do that while we're still insi-!" Samus tried to warn when the cannons fired and shook the whole structure, making it collapse.
"Oops…" Bowser realized too late. He was about to go in and rescue his Robins when an orange lasso beam latched onto the base of his car and dragged him down with the treehouse.
"You're going down with us, ya idiot!" Zero Suit Samus growled.
Diddy Kong grabbed the two tacticians and flew up through the hole in his ceiling as the treehouse fell with the Samuses and Bowser.
"Oh no, your research!" Marc lamented. "It's a good thing I made digital copies of it on this wooden flashdrive!" He produced the aforementioned device from his sleeve the way one would expect a salesman to sell a small product.
"…how does that even work?" Robin asked, staring at him in disbelief. "Wait, when did you even back everything up?"
Diddy Kong just smiled as he flew them towards his second treehouse. It was nice to find people he could build illogical wooden gadgets with. Dixie Kong never understood nor appreciated his handiwork the way these two did.
Little Mac
"All right, Mac!" Doc Louis coached. "You've got this! Sure that dollface's knocked you out a couple 'a times, she's smarter than we gave her credit for, and who would've guessed she's totally ripped under that cloak, but you have something she doesn't!"
Little Mac looked up at him expectantly. Doc Louis shrugged.
"I have no idea what that is, though." He patted the boxer on the shoulder. "Now go on and get 'er, champ!"
Little Mac sighed as he entered the ring with that monster again.
"KICK HIS ASS, ROBIN!" Marc cheered as his female counterpart sauntered into the final round.
"ROBIN, ROBIN, ROBIN!" The crowd chanted. Little Mac frowned and got into position while Robin blew a few kisses into the crowd. Nosebleeds and fainting ensued, as expected.
"Begin!" The referee announced. Immediately off the bat, Robin summoned Grima and knocked anyone who wasn't her opponent out of the ring and surrounding areas.
"AHAHAHA!" Robin cackled as she stood atop the fellgod dragon's shoulder. "LET'S SEE YOU TOP THIS!"
"Whooooaaaa, is that even allowed?!" Doc Louis yelled from where he landed. The referee dug himself out of the rubble and shrugged.
"Who cares, man? She's hot!" Some people buried in the rubble nodded their agreement. "And besides, I think she actually is the dragon, so it's cool."
"That is not cool." Doc Louis frowned. "Well, hope Little Mac will get out of this in one piece…"
Grima let loose a volley of spikes, but Little Mac was quicker, ducking and weaving out of the way. When the storm of spikes ended, he made a dash for the dragon's leg. Soon enough, he was running up on the creature itself and making his way towards Robin on the fellgod's shoulder.
"Wait, how are you doing tha-?" Robin was cut off by Little Mac uppercutting her off the dragon's shoulder. "Hwaaaaah!" She plummeted from that ridiculous height with Grima disappearing as well, causing Little Mac to fall with her.
"Robin!" Marc dove in and made a nice landing pillow for his female counterpart while Little Mac landed none too gracefully on his stomach.
"Interference!" The referee called. "Since Robin had help from an outside source, she is disqualified! How unfortunate for such a beautiful girl… But this match goes to LITTLE MAC!"
Little Mac got up weakly and offered a smile to his cheering crowd. Doc Louis pumped a fist in the air as they gave the tiny pugilist his winning belt. Robin smiled and got off Marc to walk up to her opponent.
"You did well." She praised before giving him a quick kiss on the cheek, making his whole face turn bright red.
'Looks like we can check him off the list.' Marc thought as the crowd's cheers suddenly turned into boos. Greninja was especially angry considering she was married to them and the most they ever did was hold hands! Little Mac was going to get a wooden voodoo doll soon.
"Captain" Douglas Jay Falcon
The racer was humming the F-Zero theme when he saw a car racing down the tra-! Was that his Blue Falcon?! Who was driving his baby?! Wait, first, he should probably get out of the way. He tried to run, but his car suddenly accelerated and slammed into him.
"Is this how people feel when I use my final smaaaaaaash?!" He asked as he sailed through the air. His flight was cut short as he landed on an Arwing.
"Wow, I didn't know you could fly too." Fox said as Captain Falcon slid off his plane's windshield. "You're not doing it right, man!" He remarked as the racer continued to fall.
"Hwugh!" Captain Falcon landed on his face and stomach. He groaned as he lay weakly on the ground.
The Blue Falcon caught up to him and parked nearby. Out of the car came Marc with a none too sympathetic expression.
"Oh dear," he said with mock surprise, "I'm such a bad driver." He made a sort of 'oh, clumsy me' gesture, though his sadistic expression betrayed what little genuine concern he had. "My apologies, Captain."
"Please forgive him." Robin walked over to the racer…when did she start wearing stilettos? She then promptly stepped on the captain, eliciting a pained 'augh' from the man underneath her. "Oops," she said as she ground the blade-sharp heel into his back, "I didn't see you there."
"Haaagh…why…?" He asked weakly.
"Why?" Robin stomped on him. "You really have to ask?" Her vessel mark glowed.
"Do understand, Captain Falcon." Marc knelt down to look at Captain Falcon better. "One does not simply harm Chrom in any way and get away with it." Usually, Marc's eyes would darken, but this time they had a faint purple glow.
"But that was-aaaagh! Just for filming! Chrom wasn't even hur-aaaaah…! It was all acting, remember?!" He reasoned, though Robin didn't lessen her attacks.
"Hmph." Marc gave the racer an unimpressed look as he signaled Robin to stop. "I suppose we're done here, then. We'll see you in battle, Captain." Robin tossed the man a heart container as they walked.
'Crap, we really messed up.' Robin thought, sweat dripping down her face.
'How are we going to fix this?' Marc thought, sweat dripping down his face as well.
.-.-.-.-.
"I guess this is as good a start as any." Robin said as she kneaded the dough.
"Not like that, Robin!" Marc admonished, taking her hands away from it. "Look at how Chef Kirby is doing it." He gestured to the puffball.
"What am I supposed to learn from this?" Robin scoffed. "I can't see what he's doing with his hands. He doesn't even have fingers!" She threw her hands in the air.
"True, but isn't he just the cutest wittle chef EVER?" Marc sounded like he was going to melt.
"I'm cute too, you know." Princess Peach chirped as she decorated the cakes.
"Indeed." Robin gave the princess a wink. "And thanks for helping us bake, princess."
"Oh, anything for you two!" Princess Peach blushed, decorating the cakes with more flower patterns than necessary.
"I believe this should be enough to write 'We're sorry we ran you over and stepped on you while wearing stilettos' on in icing." Marc nodded at the amount of desserts. "Hopefully Captain Falcon likes at least one of the flavors, we do have a lot of them."
"Captain Falcon?" Princess Peach cocked her head as she put the finishing touches on the cake. "Didn't he punch Lucina?"
"…" Marc slowly took out his thunder tome and dashed out of the kitchen. Or, he would've if Robin didn't tackle him to the ground.
"Marc, no!" She struggled to keep him down. "We're already set back enough as it is!"
"I NEED TO AVENGE LUCINA!" Marc argued. "She doesn't need me to, BUT STILL!"
"I'm angry too, but remember the plan!" Robin pleaded.
"Mrrrm!" Marc pouted, angrily.
.-.-.-.-.
"…did you poison these?" Captain Falcon asked, looking down at the desserts in suspicion.
"I was very tempted to," Marc said, "but rest assured that these are perfectly safe."
"Yeah, that assures me." The racer pushed the dish in front of him away.
"Look, I'll prove it to you, then." Robin ran a finger across the surface of the cake before she licked the cream off. "There, see? Not poisonous at all!" She smiled.
Captain Falcon stared down at the dessert before tentatively trying a bit.
"Huh…not bad." The racer nodded. "Still doesn't convince me you're not out for blood…"
"Well, what do you want us to do?" Robin asked. "As fighters, we do kind of give off a bloodlust, so I doubt we can do much to lessen that."
'Yeah, it's 'cause we're fighters that we have bloodlust…' Robin grinned lopsidedly at that.
"I could upgrade your ride, if you want." Marc offered. "I've been learning a lot about vehicles with Samus."
"You ran me over with my Blue Falcon!" the racer pointed out. "What makes you think I'd let near my baby?!"
'…a car is not a baby.' Robin thought.
'A baby is a baby.' Marc thought. 'The people in this universe are so strange…'
"Then again, I've never seen the Blue Falcon move at that kinda speed before…" Captain Falcon contemplated. "I am a little curious about your methods."
"All right, it's settled then!" Marc smiled.
"I brought the car." Robin said as she set the Blue Falcon she had carried over her head not too long ago.
"Wait, wha…? How…?" Captain Falcon's questions went unheard as Marc lifted the hood of the car. "Hey, easy there!" He went to check the condition of the vehicle to make sure Marc wasn't messing with anything, but found that the new additions the male tactician added were…
"Genius, right?" Marc gestured to his handiwork.
"…it's impressive, but I wouldn't call it genius." Captain Falcon decided. "Now if you had done this…"
"Oh, I see!" Marc hit his open palm with his fist.
"Nerrrrrds." Robin droned.
'Well, at least we're finished here.'
-BABYJUSTSAYYES
Hoshi: You know, I always kind of worry that I make people fall for the Robins too quickly. Then I remembered, this fic is crack, and some of the S supports in FE:A escalated like nobody's business, so it's perfect! Even so, I don't want to make it too unchallenging for these tacticians. They'd feel insulted.