AN: this is another prompt from trakrat, which, again, I loved. Thanks to fantasy bean, my sole reviewer. I am seventy hits off 2500 hits this month, and I have straight shifts, 10-10, 3-10 and 3-10 this weekend so no updates for the rest of the week probably, sorry by the way, I am very sorry if anyone is insulted by me converting famous speeches so that they beg for reviews. Feel free to tell me if you have a problem with it.

Four score and seven weeks ago, our fathers bought forth, on this story, a new review, prompted (I'm running out) in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Lily

I ran up the stairs, barrelling through the door, collapsing by Sherlock's chair and grabbing him by the lapels. Miraculously, he continued to read the paper.

'Good evening John.' He said, calmly.

'Help meeeee...' I hissed.

He sighed in aggravation, crossed his legs and dropped the paper on the floor.

'With what, John?'

I collapsed into my chair and passed a hand down my face 'Well, you know Freya?'

'No, I am generally unaware of your girlfriends, John. But, nevertheless, continue.' I scowled at him and blanched as my phone rang. There was silence for a few moments, except the phone's shrill ringing, until Sherlock said

'Aren't you going to answer it?'

'It's her!' I whispered, like a man hang gliding over the entrance to hell. Sherlock reached for my phone 'NO!' I whispered harshly 'She'll know I'm here, Sherlock, you can't put me through that!'

The phone eventually stopped ringing and I breathed out again. Sherlock sat staring at me.

'What?' I said

'Is this why I have to help you?' he asked uncertainly.

I groaned and slumped back in my chair 'Yes Sherlock. I'm begging you.'

'You want me to help you, presumably to carry out some plan, because your girlfriend is ringing you.' He asked, raising an eyebrow

'um. Yes?' I said

'Why? If she's the last one that came round, you've only been going out about three weeks. She seemed perfectly nice, lives with her brother though and in a studio flat, probably need to check up on tha...'

'Sherlock, I'm not asking you for help because she called me once, I'm asking you because... well, it's probably better if you just listen to my answer phone.' I pulled my phone from my pocket, fiddled with it for a few minutes, before dialling voicemail and putting it on speaker.

The sound of high pitched excited chatter filled the room, interspersed with the cool robot tones of the answer machine

'Message left at 4:45 pm.'

'Hey Johnny! Listen, there's this great new restaurant at the end of my road, wanna try? Call me back!'

'Message left at 4:50 pm'

'Johnny? It's Freya. I asked you to call me back like, an hour ago and you haven't so just checking in. I'll try again in a minute.'

'Message left at 4:52 pm'

'Oh my god, Johnny. You're not with anyone else are you? I thought we were going out tonight! How could you blow me off like that?'

'Message left at 4:53 pm'

This time the sound of sobbing filled the room 'Johnny? Johnny! Oh god, you're cheating on me aren't you? Just admit it Johnny, you're with another woman while I sit here making dinner reservations, I'll never be good enough for you will I Johnny?'

'Message left at 4:54 pm'

'Johnny, I've thought long and hard about this, and I'm ending it. I just can't believe you'd be with another woman while I try so hard to make this relationship work. You're no good for me John Watson!'

'Message left at 4:56 pm'

'Oh no, Johnny! I've just realised! Here I am berating you for cheating on me, but of course, the reason you haven't called me back is because you've been in some horrible accident! Oh Johnny! I can't be a widow at thirty! Hold on Johnny, darling! I'm coming!'

Sherlock snorted 'Widow?'

I scowled 'Sh, there's more!'

'Message left at 4:58 pm'

'Oh Johnny darling, I can't believe that such a cruel thing would tear our love apart, but no more of that, my love. I can't actually find the hospital you're in at the minute, but when I do, I will sit by your bedside night and day, talking to you just to make you better, darling. It's what you would do for me, my sweetheart. I love you Johnny.'

I almost choked on my tea at this latest. Good god, we'd only been going out three weeks!

'Message left at 4:59 pm'

'Ok, Johnny. So I've worked out that you're not in hospital, so... I think I know what you're up to! Of course, it's probably meant to be a surprise, so I won't tell you in case you get all embarrassed, but suffice it to say, I saw the most gorgeous wedding gown in the window of the shop around the corner from the surgery. Hint, hint! Anyway, must dash. Because this is a special night, I'm going to get my hair done Johnny! Anyway, see you at eight!'

'End of messages.'

I looked up from my little misery circle, to find Sherlock staring at the phone in my hands. Freya had done what twenty years of bodies and crime scenes hadn't even hinted at. She'd shocked Sherlock Holmes.

He cleared his throat and looked up at me 'Well, she obviously has security issues.' I blinked as he carried on 'From the tone of voice and the fact that she's saved herself as 'Frey Frey xxxx' on your phone suggests that she has trouble liking herself so she projects the obsessive need to be wanted onto those around her. She's reached thirty, so her natural motherhood instinct is telling her that it's getting too late for children. Thus the assumption of a proposal. And she is chronically annoying.' I waited

'Because?' I prompted

Sherlock looked up 'I would imagine that's her personality.' He wrinkled his nose 'Look, John, you must have had some clues earlier in the relationship that she was going to be like this! Why are you still with her?'

I blushed and shifted uncomfortably in my chair. Sherlock smirked and gave me a pitying look 'Ah. I see. Is the sex sufficient to bypass her rabid desire to marry you?'

I flushed even deeper 'Look it's not just the sex...'

Sherlock rolled his eyes 'Condom in your pocket John, since the second week of dating her you've never returned from a date before nine the next morning and you winced when you heard her voice on the recording. It is just the sex don't even try to deny it.'

'Well, anyway.' I said, steering rapidly away from the words 'Sherlock' and 'sex' being in the same time frame. 'I need your help.'

He sighed 'Well, what do you want me to do?'

I fidgeted uncomfortably. 'Will you ring her and get her off my back?'

He stared at me 'You do know who you are talking to? I don't do emotions!'

'Please Sherlock!' I begged, adopting my most pathetic look.

He seemed to mull it over for a while, before saying 'Fine. Give the phone here.'

I gratefully passed it over and he began flicking through contacts, when a little metaphorical cube of ice ran down my spine. 'Sherlock... you won't say anything... bad, will you?'

'Of course not.' He said in a businesslike manner 'I am simply going to tell her that you have sexually transmitted leprosy. That should do it.' Silence

'Not good?' he asked

'Definitely not good.' I said gravely, gritting my teeth. 'Just tell her...' he waved his hands at me to be quiet and adopting a falsely cheery demeanour.

'Hi, is that Freya Goodwin? This is Sherlock Holmes... yes nice to meet you too... Listen, I have a little something to ask you... no, just... well, would you mind not flirting with my husband quite so much?'

WHAT? Goes my brain

'Yes, married... three months next Thursday... well, you see we've been having some problems, but we're going to give it another shot... yes, well there was a little incident with my ex... no, no of course not... I'd really rather not go into it... I'm sorry to disappoint you... thank you.. goodbye.'

He hung up the phone and grinned at me, as I sat open mouthed.

'There.' He said 'Problem solved.'

'No!' I finally blurted out 'Problem not solved! Problem only just bloody beginning!'

'I really see no problem with my solution John.' He said impatiently, getting back to the paper.

'Well it would be fine if I didn't...' he looked up sharply.

'If you didn't what?' he asked, sounding vaguely interested

I felt a blush rise in my cheeks as I quickly said 'Nothing!' there was uncomfortable silence for a few minutes, broken only by the rustling of Sherlock's paper.

'Well thank you for effectively ending my sex life.'

'Oh, I don't know.' Said Sherlock nonchalantly 'Dr Wilkes seems pretty into you.'

'Yes but he's a man, Sherlock.'

'I had noticed. So is Prince William. Didn't stop mummy and Aunty Liz trying to get me to go out with him.'

I stared for a moment, before resuming sarcasm 'Well, thank you very much.'

The paper rustled behind me. 'Piece of cake.' Muttered Sherlock vaguely

AN: yay! Hope you liked it! Next time I'm going to try to get the slash in there, so, be warned! Oh and I only got one review last time. I'm disappointed in you all! *stern look* Please review!