AN: For everyone who's stood by me the last few days. And also off a prompt by bumblie bee.

Lily

I hope it never happens to you.

I desperately do.

I hope you never have to sit outside a room waiting for that person. That person who can make you smile when you just want to cry, that person who made you better, the only one who really sees you. The only one who could ever make you cry like this. Crying so hard you don't have room for the breaths in between.

I hope you never have to sit there and pray for three hours. I hope you don't get shoved out of the crash room because the little shit of a student won't believe you're a doctor and no-one understands that you need to be there, you need to see him come back to life, or there will always be a little part of you that believes he's still dead.

I hope you never sit there and listen to muffled yells that make no sense, feeling your heart stop along with his every time you here stand clear! And then start again as the medical jargon begins flying across the room.

Because no matter how terrifying it is, no matter how bone chillingly horrified you are when you've no idea what's going on, it is a million times worse when the medical jargon starts flying and you know exactly what they're on about.

I hope you never hear the defibrillator charge for the third time, and the cool robotic voice shock advised. Please stand clear. I hope you never have to run away from the room at that point. I hope you never have to remember what I did. After three shocks, they don't try any more...

I hope you never have to sit on the floor of a toilet stall making bargains, prayers, pleading with anyone and everyone just to give yourself a fighting chance at believing you didn't make this happen.

I hope you never have to call your sadistic sort – of – brother – in – law to make the harassed nurse on the front desk believe you're that person's family. I hope you never have to sit through some pompous little bastard of a junior Doctor explaining what's going to happen, when you know and you were taking care of this sort of thing when he had spots and a pocket protector.

I hope you never have to look at yourself in the mirror and wonder if you really deserve that person. Because you'll look in the mirror and you'll see the lines on your face and the grey in your hair and you'll wonder what would have happened if you were younger, fitter, faster... and you'll wonder what you did wrong. And somewhere, somewhere in the dark little huddled mass of fear your brain has become, you will accept responsibility.

Even when it's not, you will find a way to make it your fault. You'll think it through, you'll over think it and you'll under think it until you're mind stops playing the what if game and starts playing the stupid bastard, you should have done that game.

I hope you never have to do any of that.

Once upon a time I hoped I would never have to.

But in life, like in exams, we don't always get what hope for. I didn't. I hope you do.

AN: I'm sorry. Truly, I am. Please review.