Chapter Eighty-Two
I Can't do it Anymore
A/N: Thanks to PrincezzShell101 for your review!
Oh lookie here… I'm up on here. That's generally spells bad news. *looks up at chapter title* Yep… bad news…
'Till next time!
"You know… I knew it would happen. Some time. It happens to everyone right? Your body eventually… just… fails. That's what dying of old age is, and that's what I expected to happen to her. Dying of old age, happy, in a bed. She stubborn so she'd live to an older age than others. But I never, ever thought it would happen before I'd even hit twenty. I never thought I would… feel her blood on my hands. Even after all that has happened, after all of these damn lists… I always thought that she would keep on going. She was strong, despite how much I detested her. She could have just ended it… but she didn't. She kept hanging on, no matter how much crap life threw at her. Dad's death, she kept on going. Mile's death… she kept on going. She fought and she fought and I was convinced she would keep fighting…"
Joshua's voice trailed off as he sat cross-legged in front of a gravestone, his eyes wet and his face bland. Nobody was in the graveyard on the miserable day, as rain was thundering down. But Joshua sat on the wet ground, his hair plastered to his head. In his lap, held by his right hand, was a small pistol which he had taken from Tyrone. Joshua stared at the grave-stone.
"I thought I would go first. I honestly did. I would do something stupid. I always do. I would try and… save a survivor by going through a fire again, or something like that." Joshua took a breath. "Then… Myer's was finally killed. Finally. After so much… he was dead. It was what we lived for. Me, my mother, Fisk… we fought to find him. To end it. Then we were free. We didn't heal anymore. And I was glad. For the first time in God knows how many years, I felt alive. Properly alive. With blood running through my veins and thoughts running through my brain. I thought… I foolishly thought that we could live happily. Lisa and I. Mother and son, the relationship that never was…"
Joshua looked down towards the pistol. "…that never will be. Because of Death. Because of… of a new list… I don't know why… I can't comprehend why it happened again. And because of this… because of Death… she's gone. Like that, she's just gone. We can mourn and we can cry but she'll never come back. And it hit me hard. I realized then and there… that no one can survive this. If Death wants people to die, people are going to die. We can't possibly defeat him."
Joshua sniffed, rain hiding his tears from view. "I was idiotic. I thought I could save them all. But I can't. They'll all die. One by one by one. All of them. They'll all die. I fought and I fought but it was fruitless. Death laughed in my face and… and…" Joshua's words were lost in a stray sob. He took a breath and stood up, looking down at the gravestone. "If there was one thing you taught me, it was to keep on going, no matter what happened. But I'm sorry… sometimes, that just can't apply. Not when our fates are sealed." Joshua crouched down, reading the name off the gravestone for the fifth time, tracing the letters with his finger.
Phillipa Maurice
"I have to wonder, Phillipa, are you listening? Is there somewhere way up there where you are listening to my words? I wonder… is Miles with you? Is Lisa?" Joshua kneeled on the floor, before turning around and propping his back on the grave stone, his legs spread out in front of him. "I tried my best Phillipa. All of you… Miles, Lisa, I tried my best. But in the end, I couldn't save you. I couldn't save anybody. I made promises but I broke every single one. I know your disappointed… I would be to. But Death is something we can't combat. It's eternal. If he wants it, he gets it."
Joshua raised the pistol, lighting pressing the end under his chin. He smiled weakly. "They say it's easy, Phillipa. They say that it's just pulling a trigger. Anyone could do it. Anyone could end it. When live throws you into hell, then you want more than anything to get out. And I want to. I want to leave. Because what else would I be living for? To see more survivors die? Because they will. It's inevitable."
Joshua closed his eyes and his finger tightened on the trigger.
"Phillipa… Miles… Lisa… I tried… I did, I really did… But I just can't do it anymore. I can't… I can't live with it anymore." Joshua finger tightened more. "…It's easy, right? Pulling the trigger, right? It should be painless… in theory." Joshua took another deep breath. "So… I'll be visiting you guys sooner than later…"
In three seconds, Joshua. Three seconds and it'll all be over. No more worries, no more stress. No more trying to fight what you can't fight. In three seconds, you'll see them all again. Miles, Lisa, Phillapa… Dad, all of them. You'll see them again.
One…
…Two…
…Thre-
"What are you doing, Joshua?"
Joshua froze, his finger just about to pull the trigger.
"I don't remember you being this cowardly."
That voice… Joshua gulped, slowly opening his eyes. And lo and behold, standing in front of him was a small, young boy, a soft smile playing on his lips, black hair slightly parted. "M-Miles…" Joshua's voice was croaky.
"You're meant to be strong, brother. Fighting the good fight. You told me grand tales of how you were never going to give up. How, no matter how much life screwed you over, you'd keep on fighting." Miles motioned at Joshua's form sitting at the gravestone. "This doesn't look like you're fighting. This looks like you're giving up. This looks like you are taking the cowards way out."
"And doing it my gravestone? You Hùn zhàng. Talk about disrespectful." Coming up from behind Miles, Phillipa cocked her head to the side, blonde pony-tail draped over her shoulder. "I thought men were meant to get stronger with age, not turn into snivelling wimps. I mean, Christ, Joshua, you grew up reading stolen books from libraries. Where's your spirit gone?"
"He won't listen. He never does." Stepping aside from Phillipa, a grin dancing on her face, Lisa crossed her arms. "He's a stubborn kid, and that's what's good about him. He doesn't let anything sway him. Well, at least that's what I thought." Lisa crouched down, her eyes peering down at Joshua's. "He's completely and utterly given up. Haven't you Joshua? You're meant to grieve for people's deaths, but not let them overtake you. C'mon Joshua, lift your head up and get your will back. The will which let you raise Miles, let you grow intelligent, smart."
"I…I… can't…" Joshua croaked. "…Not anymore…"
"Now that's a disappointment son." Joshua slowly looked left to see, standing tall and proud, his father. Isaac shook his head. "I thought you'd be strong. I thought you would keep on going, no matter what happened. Because, if you aren't strong, if you can't handle the situation, then you are no kind of Valentine. You are no son of mine or Lisa's. You are simply a coward."
"I'm not a coward!" Anger overtook Joshua and he stood up, getting in his father's face. His father just grinned.
"Yes you are. You were all ready to blow your brains out. That's the cowards way out, plain and simple."
"Stop calling me that!"
"I'll call you what I want. You're my son. And when my son is being an idiotic, cowardly piece of work, then I'm gonna tell him so." Isaac crossed his arms. "So, tell me Joshua, are you a coward?"
"No!"
"Are you idiotic?"
"No I'm not!"
"And are you my son?"
Joshua paused, his bottom lip quivering.
"Are you?" Isaac pressed. "Are you my son? Are you Lisa's son? Are you Miles' brother?"
"Y-Yes…"
"Are you strong?"
"Yes."
"And are you a goddamn Valentine, son?"
"Yes!" Joshua nodded, wiping his eyes. As soon as his hands wiped across his eyes, all four figures were gone, leaving him alone in the graveyard. Joshua realized for the first time that he was breathing hard and tried to control his breathing. He stood there, soaking wet from the rain, before he finally got his breathing back to normal. Joshua glanced down at the gun in his hand before throwing it into a nearby hedge in disgust. He glanced to Phillipa's gravestone. "I'm sorry. I guess I won't be joining you quite as soon as I expected."
He smiled wearily before looking up at the sky, his eyes wide open to the torrent of rain. "I am not giving up!" He yelled, his voice echoing around the graveyard. "I'm not going away! I will make sure I beat you, Death, I will make damn sure!"