"So much for her good day",she thought.
Moira had come into QC and she had babbled to her thoroughly embarrassing herself. Oliver had only smirked and Diggle had shook his head. I can turn it around from this, she thought. But she had thought too soon. She received a call from the SCPD. The Applied Sciences building had been broken into and weird stuff was happening. Men with superhuman strength? That was new even to her.
She met a guy named Barry Allen, she doesn't call him a man because even though he's 25 he's still seems like a boy to her. But on paper they could be perfect together. He's cute, babbles just like her, has a obsession with the man called The Arrow and they can hold an intellectual conversation together...but he wasn't Oliver. Barry had lied about why he was really in Starling and Oliver was not happy about it. Come to think of it he's been cranky the whole time Barry's been around. What was that about? It wasn't like he was a threat, he probably weighed one hundred and twenty-five soaking wet. She had invited him to be her plus one for the party, just as friends, they had a great time until they had to go back to the lab. She said goodbye to him from there. She didn't feel anything when he left, she liked him and maybe if she had never met Oliver they could have been something but she would never change that in a million years. Turned out becoming friends with Barry was a life saver, literally. The man Oliver had gone after, Cyrus Gold had injected Oliver with something.
"Felicity we can't save him.' Diggs words rang in her ears. When they had found him her heart had stopped until she realized his pulse was there. Digg had started to call an ambulance but she had stopped him. Oliver's life would be over if they found out who the man under the hood really was. Her brain went into overdrive. There had to be another way. "You're right we can't...but I know someone who can."
And that's how she found herself sending Digg out with a dart gun full of sedatives. Barry came too finally, Digg had only dosed him with enough to keep him out for a short period of time. She was panicking and her stomach was doing flips. Oliver was lying on the table in full arrow gear. She couldn't lose him. "Please save my friend," she pleaded with Barry. After he tore his eyes from Oliver on the med table he stared at her in shock. He nodded and got up and rushed to him.
Please save my friend. The word friends didn't even begin to describe what they were. The heart monitor going crazy brought her back into the moment. "He's not going to make it!" Yelled Digg.
She gave him a hard look. "He will! She yelled back. "He has too." A few tears leaked from her eyes but she brushed them a way. She didn't have time for them.
"I usually only work on dead people." Barry exclaimed.
"Barry!" She yelled at him. It was enough to bring him back from his panic. He got back to work.
He looked at his pupils. "Three possible diagnosis..." He rushed around the table. "Two... Start chest compression's!" He took some of his blood and looked into the syringe. "I got it, he's suffering from intravenous coagulation."
"What?" she asked him.
"His blood isn't naturally clotting, it's like maple syrup." Dear God, what did that even mean.
"You can save him right?" Her voice broke. He only looked at her for a loaded moment until his eyes roamed the room and he was off again.
"Lucky you guys have a rat problem," he exclaimed as he began crushing pellets.
"Are you kidding, that'll kill him!" says Digg.
"He dies if I don't!" No, no,no. Oliver did not go through everything he has to die in this cold dark basement.
"Felicity?" Digg says quietly to her, asking her what she thought. "I can't lose him Digg," she said as she wrapped her hand around Oliver's. "Do it!" She yelled to Barry. He put the syringe into the iv he had set up. The heart monitor screamed and she really wished someone would turn it off because all she could think of was why it was making that sound. Because Oliver was dying. "Oliver! Stay with me," she said as she held his hand in both of hers. "Stay with us," she whispered.
"Oliver! Stay with me." He could hear her voice. Pulling him back from the darkness. Shado reached out her hand. "Stay with me," she said. It was tempting. To slip off into oblivion, to never have to deal the burdens he had to bear, the sins he had committed, the horrible things he had done, The people he had failed, His Father, Shado, Tommy... But there was also his family who needed him, his Mother and Thea. What would happen to them if died? What would happen to Diggle or Felicity? Felicity. Just her name brought him back. He couldn't die. He would fight once more for her. He would always fight for her. "Stay with us," she whispered. I will...forever, he thought before he was overcome with darkness.
He has been unconscious for awhile. All she could do was pace and she felt like throwing up but didn't want to leave the room in case something were to change in his condition. She couldn't stay still... why hasn't he woken up yet? She chewed on her lip. What if he didn't wake up? What if she killed him by letting Barry give him the rat poison. She shook her head. No, she would not go down that road. He would have died regardless. She turned her back on his still body to compose herself. She had to get it together. She heard a commotion behind her and turned to see that Oliver was awake and had his hands around Barry's throat. "Oliver!" She rushed over to him and tried to pry his fingers from Barry's neck. "Oliver Stop!" He jumped up an stumbled to his feet.
"What is going on?"
"You were injected with a blood coagulant," she said trying to calm him. "There was nothing Digg or I could do."
Barry ran his hands along his throat. "You would've stroked out," He choked then cleared his throat before continuing. "But fortunately you had a very effective blood thinner handy. Warfarin, better known as rat poisoning."
"The kid saved you're life Oliver," said Diggle from behind him. He had almost died. He should be thanking Barry.
"This is the part where you thank the person who did the lifesaving," she said solemnly.
He turned to her. "You told him who I am Felicity." There was betrayal in his eye and she about broke right then. She had never wanted to see that look. That's why she hadn't told him about that night...or their baby.
"Yeah I did and I'm not sorry," she replied her eyes lighting up.
"That's not your secret to tell Felicity...I decide who find out my identity." She scoffed.
"Well...we didn't have time to get your vote with you unconscious and dying!" She moved around the table towards him. "I made a choice Oliver and it saved your life. I'd do it again."
"What happens if he leaves here and goes straight to the cops?"
"He wouldn't do that."
"I wouldn't do that," Barry spoke up from behind her. She wished he would be quiet.
"I trust him," she told Oliver.
"Well I don't," He replied.
"How is this any different than when you were hurt and you came to me for help? At least Barry could help you, then I couldn't do anything but drive and hoped you lived." She said quietly. "And what about when you brought Digg down here when he was poisoned?"
"The difference is I decide Felicity!" She stepped back. "I did my homework on both of you!" He looked in her eyes trying to convey how much she had hurt him. "I don't just tell people easily." She stopped breathing for a second. She felt like her heart was ripping in two. She couldn't win. Did he wish she would have let him die? Was that what this was about? He didn't want to live anymore? She couldn't handle that. Watching him kill himself slowly, with no will to live. He had to decide he what he wanted on his own and until he did she needed some space. Maybe that was what they both needed.
"I'm not going to tell anyone, but you should thank her inst-" She cut Barry off.
"No. Thank you Barry, for all your help and I'm sorry." She turned back to look at Oliver. "He's made his decision," she said before she left the foundry. A pint..or two of Mint Chip sound really good about now.
He slammed his fist into his bedroom door. She had left the foundry and hadn't turned back. Had she finally left him forever? He had been too hard on her, caught up in the heat of the moment. He knew he could trust her with his life, both of them. So why had he blown up at her like that? For that split second of time he had felt betrayed that she would just tell a boy she barely knew his secret. But she had done the right thing. He could deny it all he wanted but he knew jealousy when he saw it. He had no right to be jealous of Barry Allen. Felicity wasn't his, he had no say over anything she did or who she was with. So why had it felt like kick to the gut watching them together, laughing with him over something he didn't understand, sending him one of her smiles he only wanted to be for him and seeing her dancing with him at the party? It made his stomach burn and his fist clench. He had no right to these feelings. None.
He slammed his closed fist into the door again when something flashed before his eyes. A small woman, petite. He still couldn't see her face but they were laughing and he was pressing her up against that very door and kissing her senseless. He slid down the door and held his head in his hands as the rest of the distorted memory moved in front of his eyelids. Sliding his fingers through blonde hair, kissing red lips, sliding a cardigan off slim shoulders, balling it up and throwing it across the room making the woman laugh a musical laugh. But it was distorted too, like he was hearing it from under water. He tried to grasp the memory but it slipped through his fingers. His head and heart pounded a steady rhythm almost completely in sync. Just those few moments brought a lightness to his chest, momentarily some of the weight he carried had been lifted and he had felt himself really happy. Who was this woman to make him feel that way after everything he'd been through? She had taken some of his darkness and cast it away, never to be seen again. His heart ached for her and he didn't even know who she was...but he was going to find out. But first he had to find out what he felt for Felicity. There was something about her. A brief flash of her big blue eyes staring into his and her red lips pressing against his entered his mind. He shook his head. No. He was hallucinating from the rat poisoning Barry had given him. If it had been her he had been with she would have told him. She wouldn't have left him that morning. It was someone else. Yes...it was. He told himself. So why did he feel like something was off?
Felicity had returned to the foundry but she hadn't said a word to him. Only did her job and talked to Barry who had stayed to watch his progress and help on the latest case. He tried to speak to her but every time nothing would come out. He strolled into the foundry later. "Barry. The rat poison you gave me...are there any side effects?" He asked as he glanced at Felicity. He had more flashes through the night, vivid ones. He knew they weren't real but God help him he wanted them to be.
"Uh...yeah. Hallucinations, maybe." That confirmed it for him. It was just his imagination...his very realistic and graphic imagination. "And excessive sweating. Are you sweating excessively?" He turned away from him hoping he didn't see the turmoil in his eyes.
"You're hallucinating?" Felicity asked concerned, she put aside her disdain for him momentarily as she walked over to him and put her hand on his arm. Even after he chewed her out she was right there the first sign that he might need her. How many times could he be reminded that he didn't deserve her? She looked up into his eyes. "Who are you seeing." He avoided her eyes.
"A woman named Shado who was with me on the Island..." And you...lots of you. He looked at the soft curve of her neck, remembered how the soft skin felt against his lips. He mentally shook his head. He didn't know what she felt like because he had never touched her that way. He was hallucinating. Her hand moved from his arm.
"Shado, Sara. Are you sure this wasn't fantasy island?" She muttered, a hint of something that sounded like jealousy filling her voice as she moved away from him and towards her desk. He had never wanted her to see him for what he had been back then. But his past just wouldn't stay buried, no matter how he tried. He had too many secrets. And when you have too many, you get sloppy and eventually some of them come out. There were some he never wanted to see the light of day. He was afraid of what they...mostly Felicity would think of him. That she would finally see the monster he really was. She had got a glimpse of what he could be the night the Count took her. A cold blooded killer. He told himself that wasn't who we was anymore but was it really? Was he just trying to fool himself? That night he had decided to completely block Felicity out. He couldn't afford to have feelings for her, especially ones these strong. Because if he loved her and lost her? He wouldn't be able to live with himself. Felicity was the light and if something happened to her there would be nothing keeping him into falling into a pit of darkness, of becoming the man he always feared. She was off limits. He couldn't have her. But if he could? He closed his eyes and held onto the hallucination of her carding her hands through his hair and wrapping her legs around his body as he carried her. He would keep that to himself, push it in the farthest recesses of his mind...because thoughts like that in his line of work? They were dangerous.
Barry left Starling leaving a mask behind for him. Felicity had put it on for him saying that he looked like a hero before he left. She didn't know just how much that did for his soul. It reminded him of who he was, and what he was doing with his life. He didn't set out to be a hero but somewhere along the way with Felicity and Diggle helping him he had turned into one. He needed to apologize to Felicity. That's how he found himself at her townhouse and knocking on her door. But there was no answer. Light spilled from the windows so he knew she was home. "Felicity?" He called through the door. Still no answer. Worry filled him. Why wasn't she answering? Maybe she was in the shower or couldn't hear the door he thought but old habits die hard and tightness settled between his shoulder blades. Was something wrong? Had something happened to her? That thought was enough for him to consider knocking the door down but no sooner had the thought entered his mind than the door flew open to reveal Felicity in pajama pants and over sized shirt. Her eyes were wide and she wasn't wearing her glasses. She opened her mouth before she took off running leaving the door opened and him standing on the stoop. "Felicity?" He called worriedly as he let himself in the house and closed the door. He followed in the direction she had gone. The bathroom door was closed, light peaking out from under the door and he could hear the unmistakable sound of wrenching.
"Just...give me a...minute," she panted through the door.
He reluctantly left the hallway and settled on the couch in the living room. There was a coffee table scattered with tech magazines and paperwork from QC and even a few comic books but it was the small white envelope reading Starling City General Hospital that caught his attention. Normally he would be completely against snooping through her things but lately Felicity had been so quiet around him, and she had acted strange. What if she was sick? He remembered the day on the plane, and while they were in Russia, she had been sick for days after. He didn't allow the C word to enter his mind. He never imagined loosing her to anything but the danger he kept putting her in. It hit him then that were were other things he couldn't protect her from. Illnesses, car accidents, a fall, a random mugging. He felt overwhelmed by it all, he couldn't even fathom loosing her. Ever. When he had imagined dying he always thought he would go first, out on a mission in a blaze of bullets, Felicity would live a long life, get married, have kids and die of old age still coding computer and hacking into federal agencies just to prove to her grandchildren that she still could. He couldn't stop himself after that thought, he pulled the contents from the envelope and looked at them confused. It looked like...like an ultrasound. This couldn't be Felicity's. If she were pregnant she would have told him? Right? No, this was a mistake...but it wasn't. His eyes moved to the top right hand corner of the scan and there in bold black letters against the white background was her name and stats.
Felicity Smoak, Caucasian, 24, 5'5, Seven Weeks Pregnant.
The date was the day the Count had taken her. No. How was this possible? He looked at the little blob no bigger than a blueberry but there was no mistaking it, it was a baby. He heard a noise behind him, Felicity was coming from the bathroom but he sat there frozen still holding the photo.
"Sorry, I must have-" She looked at what he was holding and her eyes went wide and her mouth gaped open. "Oliv-"
He cut her off. "Felicity what is this?" She looked like she was a bird about to take flight. He got up off he couch and walked over to her putting himself between her and the door. He held up the scans. "Felicity?"
"I was going to tell you..." She whispered as she looked away from him her eyes turning glassy.
"When?" He asked her angrily. "We don't keep secrets Felicity... How long have you known?"
She took a deep breath before answering. "Four weeks."
"Four weeks!" He yelled incredulously. "So you're telling me you knew when the Count had you?" He did some math. "You were pregnant when Mathis had you too."
"Yes... but I didn't even know when I volunteered to help stop Mathis. And... the count. There was nothing I could do about what happened. You saved me, I'm fine, that's what matters."
"Why didn't you tell me Felicity?" He said, his voice sounding broken.
"I was, I promise I was, I just needed some time. Diggle kept telling me I-"
"Diggle knows?" She turned back around to look at him from where she been pacing the room. "He knows but you didn't tell me?"
"Diggle is my friend."
"So am I!" He yelled.
"You and I both know that's not true!" He stepped back, shocked by her outburst.
"What?"
"We don't exactly make sense Oliver. If it weren't for you being shot and coming to me we never would have been in the same orbit. Oliver Queen billionaire and Felicity Smoak IT Girl from Vegas?" She laughed mirthlessly. "No one can see us together and when we are all we ever talk about is work, work, work. We're not the kind of friends that call each other up and say 'Hey lets hang out and talk.' No, when my phone rings and its you its usually 'Felicity, get to the foundry.' Click. So excuse me Oliver for not sending you a freaking newsletter about what's going on INSIDE MY BODY!" She finished yelling, her chest heaving, her face flushed. Even though he was angry with her he couldn't help but think she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
"You're one to talk about secrets. You're whole life is a secret." She continued on sedately. "One of them just came back from the dead. But you know what Oliver? I respect that. You went through Hell and they're your secrets to tell and I broke your trust by telling Barry. But I will never...ever.. apologize for saving your life. So yes I kept a secret of my own. I'm sorry. I'd completely understand if you just kicked me out of your life, because our life is built on trusting each other. But I just needed time...you of all people should understand that Oliver." He nodded stiffly.
"I was shocked, still am. I'm just trying to get used to the idea of being pregnant." It hit him then what being pregnant meant. She was with someone or had been with someone. White hot jealousy knifed through his gut.
"I didn't...I didn't even know you were seeing anyone."
Felicity strode over to her window, arms crossing against her chest. She was silent for a few moments before answering his unspoken question. "I'm not...it was a one night thing." Her voice broke on the last word and the next thing he knew he had crossed the room and was wrapping her in his arms while she cried against his chest. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she cried. He stroked her hair, and murmured to her that it was alright as he held her tighter. "I never wanted to lose you," she sobbed. At that he took her arms and pushed d her away from him lightly.
"Hey..Felicity." He said begging her to look at him "You're never going to lose me," he assures her. "As long as I'm alive there isn't anything on this earth you could do to make me leave you." She looked into his eyes as if searching for the truth. "There's one thing I've never been able to do Felicity...and that's lie to you." Her face crumpled again and he pulled her back to his chest completely unaware of what was really going on inside of her. This wasn't his Felicity, someone who kept secrets and had one nighters. What was she going through to make her do those things? He had missed so much and he decided right then he wasn't going to miss anything else.
He couldn't lie to her. But she was lying to him. He held her close and she tried to hold it together but she only cried harder for what she was doing. She contemplated telling him right then, a child deserved to have a Father in their life, she knew that better than anyone. But something was holding her back, a little voice in the back of her head that was saying wait. What if learning the truth made him even angrier? Could she take the gamble that he wouldn't walk away if he learned the truth? Why, why couldn't it have been some random stranger she had slept with? She knew the answer to that. She wouldn't be in this mess if it had been anyone other than Oliver. Logically she knew she couldn't keep the secret from him forever. She made up her mind then. She would tell him. but she listened to that voice in her head and stayed silent for the time being and let Oliver hold her. Now when he had just forgiven her for a little omission was not the time to dump an even bigger one on him.
She would tell him, she would...but the timing had to be right.
He had to decide to live first.