Sleep, I decided to go without sleep :0
The cemetery scene was inspired by the song 'Because of you' By Kelly Clarkson.
I figure 2 more chapters ought to wrap this bad boy up! Please forgive the typos (the whole no sleep thing) and enjoy, well I hope you do. And don't think I forgot about 'Bastard bounty hunters having brothers, but just FYI not all bounty hunters are bastards ….ok maybe 3 more chapters.
….
The wind that seems to be a constant companion on the Nebraska prairie, blew softly through Lou's hair as she stood next to the picket fence, she spent a lot of time over the last month riding this beautiful land she calls home and the sun had created a shimmer of gold in her usually dark auburn hair and had replaced the pale color of her skin with a light tan and rosy glow. After nearly dying a month ago she was finally starting to live again but was still struggling with having to hide so much from her family. She knew it was finally time to talk to Kid.
Lou stood looking down at the marker, a freshly painted white cross with the name 'Kid McCloud' on it was planted in the dirt right next to another marker, not quite as white, it had weathered a bit over the last 2 years but the name Ike McSwain was still clearly legible and next to Ike was the grave of another brother Noah Dixon. "Take care of each other boys. I guess you know how much we all miss you" Lou said as she stood in the cemetery looking at the graves of her brothers and her husband not knowing what to say, never knowing what to say.
When she got home almost two weeks ago Rachel and Teaspoon had told her of Jimmy's visit, how he'd met Jamie and spent three days there getting to know her before having to leave. Apparently he and Teaspoon had spoken quite a bit and they had decided, Buck and Rachel included, that there should be a marker in the cemetery, just like the one they did for Ike. 'It belongs here' Lou thought to herself, they thought she might be mad at them for doing it before talking to her but she wasn't, it was a good idea and she was glad that Jimmy was here and she hoped it gave him at least a little peace about Kid.
She had visited the cemetery often over the last two weeks, always thinking this time she'd know what to say, but she never did. But now she needed to say something, anything, she was leaving soon, she had gotten the job in Julesburg and knew it would be a long while before she was back. She stood there thinking about the family she had lost and about the family she was leaving. She knew she could stay if she really wanted to, but she's back to feeling like she needs to keep some distance between her and them just like when she first started with the express, that same feeling like she couldn't trust anyone, not even the folks she thought of as family, for fear that she would be found out, that they would find out the truth and she couldn't risk losing them forever, if she just keeps them at arm's length then they wouldn't have to know. And she thought about Jimmy and how they ended things, she walled up her heart so she wouldn't feel it breaking and turned to look at Kid's marker.
"Jimmy probably told you he was headed west, into Colorado and Utah with the army" Lou said out loud to Kid's marker "I'm headed west too, taking a job on a ranch out near Denver. Jamie and I are gonna make a new life for ourselves."
Lou sat down and leaned her back against the white fence and rested her head on her knees, she sat like that for a long time, lost in her own thoughts, after a while she looked at the marker "I'm scared Kid, scared I'll make the same mistakes I've made before or make the same mistake you did, I cain't break the way you did, to fall apart like that, I guess I've learned the hard way not ta let things get that far. I guess I learned more from you than I thought, I'm learning to keep my mouth shut, because of you've I learned to play it safe, to keep a smile on my face and fake it. I cain't ever tell 'em the truth, I cain't, I don't know how they'll react so I cain't trust them. But more than that it's me I don't trust, I don't feel whole, like my heart ain't whole anymore and how can I trust a broken heart to someone, to anyone."
"Funny ain't it, after everything we went through, the fights, the struggles and me being responsible for ..….. well ya know, don't you think it's funny that I'm here talking to you instead of them. But I'm afraid. Because of you I'm afraid."
"Kid we were so young we didn't know what marriage was supposed ta be. I was so young, why'd you lean on me the way you did. It wasn't me you were always worried about it was you, you only saw your own pain. Kid I wish I could take it all back, to go back and change the days, hell the years, that lead up to your dying, but I cain't and because of that I'm leaving, I cain't stay and lie to our family anymore." Lou stood up, brushing off the seat of her pants and looking down at the marker "Good bye Kid" she said as she turned and gasped in surprise as she came face to with Jimmy, the only thing between them was the white picket fence and all the secrets.
"Jimmy!" Lou whispered "How long you been there? You startled me"
"Long enough" Jimmy said as Lou came around and out the cemetery gate, took Lightening's reins and started walking towards town. Jimmy walked along side her, picking up Sundancers reins "Long enough" Jimmy said again as he put his hand on Lou's arm and stopped her "Lou we need to talk."
"Let it go Jimmy. Look I'm sorry I took off, left Fort Kearny like I did, but I didn't know if you were coming back and I needed to see my baby."
Jimmy looks down at her "And I'm sorry about me running out the night before, but I ain't letting it go, I heard you back there saying you didn't trust your own family, tell me what that was all about, since when can't you trust Teaspoon or Rachel, talk to me Lou, tell me what's going on, what else are you hiding? Damn it Talk to me!"
Lou pulled away from Jimmy and walked Lightening over to the pond that was nearby, she lets his reins go and he wandered over to the water and she turned to Jimmy "What are you doing here anyway; I heard you were headed out to Utah"
Jimmy frowned, she was avoiding the question, she was still hiding, "We are, the regiment is headed to Fort Laramie and I'm meeting them there, I wanted to come back to see you and Jamie, don't she have a birthday coming up" Jimmy walked his horse to the water and dropped the reins.
"Yea she does" Lou said, surprised he would know that "Tomorrow, that's why I waited to head to Julesburg I wanted her to be here with the family to celebrate, I don't know when we'll get back."
Jimmy walked closer to her "You don't have ta leave, you can stay here close to Teaspoon and Rachel, we'll figure it out Lou, we'll make this work"
Lou shook her head "I cain't, I have to make my way, I have a child to take care of, to provide for, I cain't stay here."
"We have a child, Lou, WE do. We need to talk about this; you can't take her so far away."
Lou just stood shaking her head "Jimmy, I ain't asking anything of you, if you want to be a part of Jamie's life, to be a Pa to her, well I think that's good, but I still have to make a life and I got a good job, doing what I'm good at. You can come see her anytime you want, I won't keep her from you."
"Well gee Lou that's real generous of you" Jimmy said through his teeth, he sighed and took off his hat "I sorry Lou, but this is real confusing and frustrating. I don't want to just be a Pa to Jamie; I want us, me and you. I thought we were trying in Fort Kearny. You can't tell me that didn't mean anything to ya Lou." Jimmy looked at her as she watched the dragon flies skim over the top of the pond "Lou, I thought you understood and I thought you felt it too." Jimmy's trying to control his growing frustration, he knows she been through a lot but now she's gone cold and shut down.
Lou turned her head towards Jimmy "We just weren't actin' ourselves and it ain't gonna happen again."
Jimmy gave up trying to control anything when she said those words he dropped his hat and reached out and grabbed Lou's arm "Don't you use my words against me! Oh I remember sayin 'em, I still remember the look on your face when I did, so don't you dare throw them back at me!" Jimmy yelled.
Lou put one arm up between them as if to shield herself, she closed her eyes and turned head. Jimmy recognized the defensive gesture and let her go "Damn it Lou I'd never hurt you." Jimmy took a step back "God Lou you have to talk to me, tell me, tell me why you can't stay, why can't you just tell the truth!"
"You want the truth? You ain't gonna like it"
"I don't like not knowing. If we can't be together, then I have a right to know why. If you're gonna end it before we even have a chance to try, well then end it with the truth."
Lou looked him in the eye "Fine….. Alright…. I'll tell ya since your so hell bent on knowing, but if I tell you, it's gonna change everything and I'm still gonna ride on, you'll want me to." Lou took a step closer "But you have to promise me something. Before I say anything you gotta promise one thing, you cain't tell 'em. I don't want Teaspoon or Rachel or the boys ta know, but Teaspoon especially …." Lou shook her head a deep sadness spreading across her face. "it'd break his heart and hell I'm only telling you 'cause you won't leave me alone. Give me your word that you won't tell 'em. Say it!"
"Fine I give you my word. But it cain't be any worse than them knowing about us, us betraying Kid."
"Yea, well it is worse. The family loves Jamie, they don't care where she came from, but if they find out… well then they'll think different of me and of Kid, and I won't have it, ya hear! " Lou looked at him trying to read his face.
"I'm sick of the secrets and the lies Lou, you gonna tell me or what." Jimmy stood leaning against a tree.
"Sometimes secrets protect people, remember that Jimmy and just remember this is what you wanted, I ain't tellin' you 'cause I want your forgiveness, I don't, but you seem ta need the truth"
Lou took a deep breath and before she could change her mind said "Kid wasn't killed by soldiers or renegades" she looked deep in to Jimmy's eyes "I killed him. I killed my husband, your brother and best friend"
"Kid no!" Kid loses his grip on her dress, he stumbles and falls back, Lou reaches for him but it's too late, Kid begins to fall backwards, Lou can't understand why she can't catch him since he seems to be moving so slowly, he tumbles head first down the stairs and lay motionless at the bottom.
Jimmy pushed away from the tree and in two steps was standing in front of her; she didn't move. "Why would you say a thing like that, you just cain't tell me the truth can you."
"It is the truth!" Lou yelled "I killed Kid, I Pushed him down the stairs."
Jimmy can see in her face that it's true, "Oh God Lou why? What happened? Why would you lie about that, make up some story about soldiers? What about everything else, the bounty hunters, the sheriff you shot, the whole story is any of that true?"
"It's all true, even the part about the soldiers shooting Kid, but he was already dead" Lou continue to look at Jimmy, a cold chill was beginning to spread from her chest into her throat and down into her gut.
She watched as Jimmy turned and grabbed the reins of his horse, but Lou reached out and pulls him back and stops him from mounting Sundancer.
She jerks the reins from his hands, her voice escalating "Oh no, no you ain't leaving, you wanted to hear this, you wanted the truth well then you're going to hear the truth, you can't hear part of it, jump to conclusions and then run away. You ain't running away this time, you're gonna listen, this is what you wanted."
Lou pushes Jimmy away from the horse, drops the reins and smacks Sundancer on the rump, making him run and she drops down on a log, standing was taking too much effort and starting talking to Jimmy's back, he couldn't look at her, she couldn't blame him.
"It's kinda funny, the sound a….a slap makes, 'cause it's the sound it makes, that's worse that the slap itself, it's the sound you remember, your Ma would tell ya that's true, 'cause you hear that sound all around you and it keeps you on edge, something simple like someone clapping their hands, that's where the fear comes in. Physical pain goes away Jimmy, but fear lingers, it's sticky, and like tar it sticks to every part of you and it's hard to get rid of."
"Us fightin' that wasn't anything new, I don't remember a time when we didn't fight. I guess I thought it would change after we got married his jealousy would go away and his possessiveness would ease up. But it just got worse. And after he left for the war, each time he came back the fightin' would get worse. I even dreaded him coming home. My ma was like that, she'd hear pa's footsteps on the porch…" Lou hung her head "She was terrified of him" Looking up at Jimmy "I didn't want to be one of them women, like my ma or your ma and I could feel myself slipping away, cringing when he'd reach out to touch me, even when he wasn't mad."
Jimmy remembered his ma, and all the times his father had terrorized her. He always thought that if only she had fought back it might have been better. She never fought back.
"Some of it was my fault, I always fought back" Lou said "and maybe if I hadn't fought him, maybe if I could've kept my mouth shut and just did what he wanted, he'd be alive. The day before he died was real bad, I'd gone into to town to get supplies, he didn't like that I went to town alone, it was a big fight that got outta hand and he hit me and when I didn't fall and I started swinging back he pushed me down and I hurt my arm." She pulled her sleeve up and showed Jimmy the scar on her arm where she had fallen on a broken glass. "Of course he was sorry he was always sorry, but I didn't want to hear that again. No more apologies, I didn't want em anymore. And the next day he died, I pushed him down the stairs." Lou looked up at Jimmy.
"Is all that true" Jimmy was stunned but not surprised and he wish Kid was here so he could make him answer for the pain her caused her "He hurt you like that?"
Lou nodded 'yes' "Jimmy, I understand if you don't believe me, Kid was you're best friend." Jimmy stood motionless, not knowing how to respond, yea Kid was his friend, like a brother to him, but Lou was best friend.
"The next day I told him Jamie and I were leaving; that we were going home to wait out the war. We'd wait for him here and we'd be here when it was over. He didn't take that well….."
"I remember the sound of breaking dishes and yelling at Kid to stay away from me as I ran out of the kitchen and headed for the barn"
"Lou, come back here. I ain't gonna fight with you"
"I'm going Kid, we're going home. I'm taking the baby and going home." Lou runs into the barn and picks up a shovel
"What are you going to do with that, hit me?" Kid says running after her.
"If I have too I will. I have a right to defend myself"
"Lou I didn't do that" Kid points to her forehead and
the blood running down her face, "You hit your head on the table"
"Trying to get you to let me go!"
Kid makes a run for her and Lou takes a swing, but as the shovel flies towards him he reaches for it and pulls it from her hands and Kid grabs her and holds her arms tight. "Stay still Lou, I ain't gonna hurt you. You ain't going anywhere, this is our home now. Lou I just want what's best for you, for us"
"You decide everything you don't ask me you just make the decision!"
"That's what a husband does Lou, takes care of things, and makes the decisions. That's what being married is supposed to be like."
"Then I don't want to be married anymore. You knew who I was when we got married, I've been independent too long to stop all the sudden. Maybe I don't want to be married to anyone." Lou didn't see the hand coming at her, she just heard the sound it made when it impacted her face and then he was standing over her, pulling her up.
They both were startled by the distinctive sound of the hammer on a revolver being drawn back
Jacob their hired hand, had pulled his gun and was pointing it at Kid
"You need ta let her go Mr. McCloud" Jacob took a step closer to Kid "and you otta ta do it right now"
Kid let Lou go, leaving her a bit unsteady on her feet.
"There now ain't that better. Miss Louise you go on inside, take care of yourself and look after the little one. Your mister is going to stay out here with me a while"
Jacob our hired hand found us fighting in the barn and pulled his gun on Kid, he let me go and I ran up to the house. The kitchen was a mess and Jamie was crying. Kid stayed away for a few hours and when he came back…" Lou's hand went up to her forehead and the scar, rubbed it as if that would make it go away. "When he came back I was doctoring my forehead. Kid said he was sorry and that it wouldn't happen again. I told him I wasn't leaving" She looked at Jimmy "where would I go, how far would I get during a war, and with a baby no less."
"He sat there, beggin' me not to leave, beggin me to forgive him, but as I looked around the kitchen I realized I couldn't take it anymore and I told him I was staying but only 'cause I had nowhere to go and that I weren't living like this anymore, I wasn't going to live like my ma and like his ma did I told him he'd never make me cower like that again, never." She turned to face Jimmy "And I said if he ever hit me again or threaten me, I'd kill him and I meant it Jimmy."
Lou continued "Well Kid went off started shouting how he wasn't like his pa and I ran from the room…I heard him following me and I ran up the stairs, I remember hearing horses then, but at the time nothing registered…..when I got to the landing, he grabbed me by the front of my dress and his other hand went around my throat. I tried to fight him but he'd snapped and the harder I fought the tighter his hold got, till I felt like I can't breathe anymore, so I reached down and grabbed his gun, and put it up under his chin" Lou was tightly holding the front of her blouse with one hand while the other kept running fingers across her face and mouth as if trying to get her to stop talking "I guess that surprised him 'cause he let go. And I pushed, I put both hands against his chest and I pushed hard, he tried to hold on to my dress but it ripped and he fall backwards down the stairs. That's when I heard gunshots from the barn. The renegades had shot Jacob. And Kid was at the bottom of the stairs, dead."
Lou walked to Lightening, took his reins and climbed wearily into the saddle, looked at Jimmy "The rest is all true, the soldiers shooting at me but hitting Kid, the only difference is that Kid was already dead. Remember your promise, I won't have the family thinking Kid was bad he weren't, we just weren't suited. You think whatever you like about me Jimmy but Kid was your brother and your friend, that's all you need to remember." Lou turns Lightening and rides away.
Kid took the cloth and gently wiped the cut on Lou's forehead "Oowww"
"I'm sorry it just needs to be cleaned a little bit more, but it should be fine. Please don't leave, Lou you know I love you and I can't live without you. I just can't stand the thought of anything happening to you. That's always been my biggest fear, losing you when I could have prevented it. I'm sorry about everything, but when you said you were leaving, well I just couldn't see straight"
"I ain't going anywhere Kid; How far would I get with a tiny baby in the middle of a war"
"Lou" Kid reaches for her but she flinches and pull back "Lou, please tell me you forgive me, you always forgive me, Lou tell me you love me."
Lou stands and looks around the kitchen, "I said I'm staying but I'm telling ya kid I ain't living like this anymore, I'm not living like my ma did and like your ma did, you'll never make me cower like that, never ya hear." She turns to face him "And if you ever hit me again or threaten me, I'll kill ya, I promise I'll kill ya" She gets the broom and start cleaning up the mess they had made.
Kid stands up kicking over his chair "I ain't like my pa Lou, I ain't nothing like him, he was mean and a drunk…."
"Kid, I didn't mean you, I meant me, I ain't gonna be like my ma, she took it, all the hate and the anger, she took it till she couldn't take it no more, it wasn't until my pa started in on me that she left him. Your ma took it till it killed her, till he killed her. I won't live that way, I know you ain't him but sometimes you act like it, ya scare me Kid"
The menacing look in Kids eyes let Lou know he hadn't heard anything she said, Lou turned and ran from the room
"Don't walk away from me Lou"
Kid ran after her "Kid you need to calm down then I will talk to you" Lou says as he reaches for her hair and pulls her back, but Lou breaks away and runs up the stairs
"Kid no! "she yells as he catches her on the landing, with one hand he grabs the front of her dress and with his other hand he grabs her throat. She tries to fight him but the harder she fights the tighter he holds on, as Lou struggles to breathe she reaches down and grab his gun, and shoves it under his chin, so surprised to find his gun in his face he lets go of her throat, using that opportunity to push, Lou puts both hands, one still holding his gun, against his chest and she pushes hard, the Kid loses his footing while trying to hold on to her dress and he fall backwards down the stairs…..
Jimmy watched Lou ride away; knowing that running after her wasn't going to do any good. Jimmy just stood there, an anguished look on his face. He looked around at Millers Pond, it was here all those years ago that he suspected Kid was hurting her and he did nothing, he left her. He thought she'd be better off, that Kid loved her more than he did, that Kid could provide a better life for her. How could he have been so wrong? Jimmy wiped the tears from his face and looked around and whistled, knowing that Sundancer wouldn't have gone far. As he waited for his horse Jimmy squatted by the pond and splashed water on his face and thought to himself 'I may not have been able to do right by Lou, but I can at least do right by my daughter. My daughter…' Jimmy smiled a little "My Daughter. She is a pretty little thing" he said to Sundancer as he mounted up.
…
"Rachel that was a great dinner as always" Teaspoon said pushing his plate away. He looked proudly around the table at his whole family, Buck, Emily and Little Ike were seated to his left, Rachel was sitting at the other end of the table and Lou was at his right with Jamie between her and Jimmy there was only one missing, Cody. "Before we get to Jamie's cake and presents, well as head of this family I'd like to ask a delicate question if I may and while I think it ain't none of our business what you two decide to do with your lives, either together or separately but since it does affect our darling Birthday girl here I think we as her family have the right to know what you two plan to do. Because while Rachel has stated that the woodshed is available I would like to offer that I could have the old sweat lodge heated up if that deemed necessary." Teaspoon interlaced his hands, placed them on the table and looked at Jimmy and Lou. "Well?"
Lou glanced at Jimmy who looked at her with a question on his face. They hadn't spoken since yesterday at the pond and quite frankly he didn't know where he stood. He was still reeling from all that she had told him. She looked back at Teaspoon, then at Buck and Rachel "Jimmy and I, well, we… I actually, ummm …Jimmy can see Jamie anytime he likes, he is her father after all and if he wants to be her Pa, well that's fine by me and I decided I'm taking the job with Fred . I cain't speak for Jimmy but I am guessing he'll stay with the army. Is that what you wanted to know Teaspoon?"
"In a manner of speaking I guess it is, but I would like some assurances that you two will continue to be civil around our granddaughter…."
"And our neice" Buck said "We do not know what's going on with you two and it would appear you aren't together, and I agree that it is not our business, but if you are going to be her parents, well as your brother and her uncle I want to be sure that no one gets hurt"
"Lou and I are friends" Jimmy said but without much of a smile on his face.
"Yea, friends" Lou said "It's just better this way. Jamie has two parents who love her and she has all of you. She's certainly a luckier little girl than most. Rachel let's clear the table so we can cut the cake and she can open her presents." Lou says standing, effective changing the subject. She's getting' real good at that Jimmy thought, too good.
…..
"Jimmy help her open the last one" Rachel said pointing to the package wrapped in pretty paper, "Who's it from? That paper is beautiful don't tear it"
"It's from me and she can tear it if she wants to" Jimmy said setting the present on the tray in front of his daughter. Jamie looks at it and touches it but she frowns, she doesn't seem to know what to do with it. "Here, like this" Jimmy says starting to tear the paper "No No I do I do" Jamie says swatting Jimmy's hand away "yep just like Lou" he says and everyone laughs. Jaime tears into the paper revealing a beautiful doll "Oh Jimmy" Says Lou "She's beautiful" Jimmy smiles well at least he did that right he thought to himself.
"Ok everyone lets cut this cake." Rachel says cutting and plating the cake.
As everyone oooo's and ahhhh's at the cake there comes a familiar voice from the door way.
"Fine start the party without me; You couldn't wait for me when you know I'm the life of the party"
"Oh Cody" Rachel squeals "You made it!" as she puts piece of cake in from of the birthday girl.
"Of course I did, I wasn't going to miss my nieces first birthday, especially when I ain't even met her yet, I got her a present" Cody pulled a package from behind his back and pushed past Lou & Jimmy "Now where is she and is she as pretty is you Lou" he said walking past Lou, taking a moment to kiss her on the cheek. Cody turns towards the baby sitting in the high chair and gets very quiet. His eyes grow large and he looks at Teaspoon who just smiles and shrugs. Cody watches as Jamie discovers the piece of cake Rachel had set in front of her and dives in with both hands and in seconds is covered in chocolate.
"Well I see she has her father's table manners" Cody says taking a few steps back and drops his right arm over Jimmy's shoulder and his left around Lou's waist, Cody smiles real big "So which one of you is going to tell me that story" he says nodding toward the baby but watching Jimmy's face get beet red.
…