Winds of change chapter 14… End of May 1863

"Want me to beat him up for you?"

"What?" Lou asked looking at Cody as he walks up to her on the porch
"Jimmy" Cody nods in the direction of the stables where Jimmy is saddling Sundancer "I saw you watching him"

"I was not Cody; I just came out for some fresh air is all."

"Give it up Lou, I know you better than that." Cody drapes his arm across her shoulder "You know you're not my type, but I think you're his and I think he's an idiot…"

"Thanks Cody"

"….Yea well I also think you're a damn fool"

"Cody?"

"What? I call 'em like I see 'em, I always have and I never danced around you like Kid or Jimmy or some of the others, like I said you ain't my type, but I love you and I know you been through a lot, but take some big brother advice, don't give up Lou" He pulls her a little closer as his voice gets quiet"…don't give up on Jimmy or your family but mostly don't give up on life little sister, there's a lot of life still out there and still in you. You do whatever you need to ta be happy and I'll stand by ya, we all will, but don't go hidin'. I know there's stuff you ain't telling and that's ok you don't have to, but just 'cause you got secrets don't mean you have to run from us." Cody looks down at Lou "And like I said I can beat him up for ya." Lou raises her eyebrows, doubting that

"Don't look at me like that! I can do it, I ain't scared of wild bill, anyway I'm faster than him, a couple of hard licks and then I just run like hell, he'd never know what hit him."

Lou smiled at Cody and felt a rumbling coming up from deep inside, picturing him punching Jimmy and running, she covers her face, her shoulders shaking "Lou honey don't cry, I'm sorry…."

Lou uncovers her face and begins to laugh out loud and can't stop, the rumble rose up and became a full belly laugh as she threw her arms around his neck "Oh Cody I love you, thank you and if you think you can take him you give it a try and I'll sell tickets." Cody smiles and laughs with her.

"Cody I think I'll be alright, I just need to make it on my own for a while that's all and that's what I'm best at, being on my own" she says as she wipes the tears of laughter form her face. "Thanks for lovin' me and I'm glad I ain't your type 'cause you're about the best big brother I could have ever wanted. Come on let's see about getting' you and Jimmy some food for the trail."

…

Jimmy and Cody had been on the trail to Fort Kearny for two days and were just a few hours out taking it slow, they had plenty of daylight and neither was looking forward to army hours and army rations. Jimmy was lost in his dark thoughts, thinking about Lou and Jamie how it all seems to have gone wrong and Cody was hoping they make it to town in time for supper.

"You know you're an idiot, right?" Cody asks Jimmy

"Gee thanks Cody. Is that what you and Lou were laughing so hard about yesterday morning?"

"Well sorta. See I happen ta think ya'll are both fools and that life is too damn short. And Jimmy I wouldn't consider myself any kind of a friend if I didn't tell you that you're gonna go and fuck up about the best thing that's ever gonna happen to ya. You need to go back to Rock Creek and beg her ta forgive you. I don't know if you even did anything wrong, but maybe if you beg she'll take ya back.

"Cody you don't know what you're talkin' about, as usual. There are circumstances, things you don't know, things in the way. So just let it go."

"Look I know Lou can be stubborn, pig headed and could probably drive any man that loves her to wanting to run, but you got a daughter now. You cain't run from that"

"Jesus, Cody let it go. It was her choice, all this, she's the one that's been hiding, running. She took that damn job all the hell the way out near Denver."

"Damn it Jimmy! Why do you think she's going so far away? She could go anywhere and still be close to the family, she could head back east and be close to her brother and sister. Jimmy I ask ya why do you think she's going so damn far?"

"Ta get the hell away from me I guess"

"And you'd be wrong. It ain't all about you Jimmy. It's more than obvious who the father of that baby is and it ain't Kid, Lou's dead husband, the man she was married to when Jamie was born. It's you, Wild Bill. And it'd be pretty obvious to folks around here too or to anyone who knew you and you know they'd treat Lou pretty bad over it, or hadn't you even thought about that. So Jimmy while you're upset she don't want you right now or that you ain't gonna see your kid regular, all Lou's trying to do is figure out is how to live and not be judged because of a mistake she made 2 years ago."

"You think it was a mistake. That Jamie was a mistake?"

"I think folks ain't going to take kindly to the bastard child of Will Bill running around" Cody says pulling away as Jimmy reaches for him

"You son of a bitch" Jimmy yelled

"You can be pissed at me all you want Jimmy, I don't care, It's Lou and Jamie I'm worried about. It's the two of them who are gonna carry that burden unless she goes somewhere else. Somewhere where Jamie can be the child of a dead man no one knows." Cody looks at Jimmy "Yesterday we were laughing 'cause I told her I'd beat you up for her. And honestly right now I could beat the shit out of ya and not give it a second thought." Spying the outskirts of town Cody puts the spurs to his horse and rides on leaving Jimmy with even darker thoughts.

….

August, 1863

"What'll ya have Jimmy" the bartender asks

"A cheese sandwich and a sarsaparilla" he answers

"Well you're consistent I'll give you that" Says a sultry voice from behind him

Jimmy turns and smiles and finds himself in a friendly hug "Hi Amanda"

Amanda turns him lose "Nice to see you Jimmy, you're looking real good" she says looking him up and down "When are you going to let me introduce to Mary, she's awful pretty Jimmy and she'd be real good company for you. Might be better than spending all your time playing cards"

"I'm winning ain't I?" he says with a smile "I'm sure she's a real nice girl Amanda, but I'm not interested."

"You're sulking and it's not healthy. How long has it been since you left Rock Creek, three months?"

"A hundred days" Jimmy mutters

"What?"

"Nothing. …Yea about three months or so."

"And in all that time you haven't heard from her at all. And all you've been doing since you got here is drink and play cards. I hope you're at least considering taking the job here. There are worse ways to make a living than marshalling. It seems to suit Teaspoon real well."

Jimmy laughs "Marshaling in Rock Creek ain't exactly the same as marshaling out here. I'm thinking about it. And what do you mean? Who haven't I heard from?"

"You know who I meant, Lou. Jimmy you've been here two weeks and I haven't said anything but I know about you and Lou and the baby. Teaspoon wrote me a while back. He told me about Kid passing and about Lou and Jamie. I am awful sorry about The Kid. He was a good man. Shot like that in his own home, it's so sad. I don't…

Amanda's voice faded away as Jimmy thought about all Lou had told him, images in his mind conjured up by her words have haunted him for months

Kid grabbing Lou's dress and her throat

Lou trying to fight him

Lou not able to breathe anymore

Lou pulling his gun on him

And Lou pushing Kid down the stairs

Kid falling backwards down the stairs.

'Jimmy, Jimmy" He looked up "You haven't heard a word I said"

"Sorry."

"No Jimmy I am, I didn't mean to stir up things. Don't be mad at Teaspoon for telling me, you know how he is about family." Amanda picked Jimmy's hat up off the bar, put it on and did her best Teaspoon impression 'Well now ya know how it is with family ma dear Amanda I think everyone would want to know 'bout folks passin' and 'bout new youngins' being born'. Jimmy smiled as she took off his hat

"He writes just like he talks. Oh I got a letter from him today. Of course it didn't come by Express so it was written several weeks ago but he says that everyone is doing fine the weather's been good, he'd been to Colorado to see Lou and that Cody came for a visit, Cody had brought him a rifle, wait" She takes the letter out of her pocket "a Henry repeating rifle. I don't know what that is but Teaspoon seems to be real proud of it."

Jimmy looked up at her "When did he see Lou? Did he say anything else about them, Lou and the baby?"

"Yes, let's see" she says look at the letter again "here it is, ' I went west to Julesburg to see my other girls, Lou seems to be fairin' well and little Jamie is walking now…"

"…Walking?" Jimmy interrupts

Amanda smiles at him and continues "….none too steady on her feet yet but I reckon she'll be running wild like her momma soon. The hands there at the ranch seem to respect Lou and don't mind her being a woman, her hair is growing out and she wears in pulled back in a braid, she doesn't bother to hide herself the way she used to. Fred, he's the man that got her the job, he's doing a fine job of looking out for them, so maybe I don't have to worry, I think he may have taken a shine to our Louise' ….Amanda folds up the letter "The rest is about the weather and Rock Creek. Do you want to read it Jimmy?" Amanda looked at Jimmy and saw his face growing hard, he grabbed his hat "I changed my mind I ain't playing tonight" and he stormed out of the saloon.

Amanda smiled as she looked down at the letter from her surrogate father 'Amanda darlin' please make sure that Jimmy hears all about my visit to see Lou, they are both too stubborn for words, we gotta do something to light a fire or I may have to take drastic measures. Love ya sweetheart, Teaspoon.' He is old softy and a romantic, their Teaspoon, but a damn good man. Amanda thinks to herself.

…..

Jimmy wandered the few streets there were in this lawless little town. He couldn't stop thinking about what Teaspoon had written. Lou and Jamie were fine, fine without him. He sure as hell wasn't fine without them. This had been the longest three months of his life, everywhere he goes he sees her face or hears her laugh. Every time he sees a young family, a father with his daughter his heart aches, his heart actually hurts. He'd missed Lou over the years and wanted her, even ached for her at times, but this, this was what everyone means when they talk about a broken heart. But somehow he manages to get through his days, work had kept his mind from thinking too much, but now with his army contract up, he doesn't have work to occupy his mind and to stop him from remembering her face, the face that looked like his, the eyes that were his and the giggle that was just like her mothers.

At night its worse, its Lou's face he sees. Lying in the dark remembering over and over again the few times he had her in his arms, the kiss by the firelight all those years ago, their one night together that gave them Jamie and then in Fort Kearny in the livery. But then he thought of all the lies and stories she'd told, and how cold and distant she had become. He didn't know what to think about it all and he didn't think he could ever look at it all the same way. There have been too many lies and now too many miles. But those miles seem to disappear when her face appears in his dreams. In his dreams their together, but he wakes up from those dreams without her and his lonely mind calls up images of Lou to taunt him. The drinking helps, it keeps him angry, some things are harder and rougher when he drinks, it's still painful but it's a different kind of pain. It's a dull ache, like having a pebble in your shoe, an annoyance, he can live with that.

But the pain of loving her sober and in his dreams and waking up knowing that he can't have her, that pain cuts deep, it takes his breath and it reminds him of all he's lost and all he'll never have.

That he can't live with.

And now Teaspoon's telling Amanda that there might be someone else in her life, someone else she's loving or at least she's letting him love her.

Damn it Lou you're there with someone else and I'm here without you, you're still on my mind, you're still with me in my dreams. I cain't live like this, I don't want ta live like this. Jimmy turns and heads back to the one place where the pain will go away.

"You're back" Amanda's says seeing Jimmy come in the door "The game started an hour ago but they'll let you drop in I'm sure" Seeing a strange expression on his face she asks "Jimmy is everything alright"

"Right as rain, who's that? "Jimmy asks pointing across the room as he motions to the bartender

"Whiskey. Leave the bottle"

"Who, Jimmy?" Amanda asks as Jimmy takes a drink

"Over there the short one with the brown hair. What's her name?"

"She's a new girl, Beth, just started a few days ago. Jimmy just let me introduce you to Mary. She's real pretty, Blonde and built to please."

"I'll take her" Jimmy says taking the bottle throwing money on the bar "and another glass"

He starts to walk away nodding at the money on the bar "she's busy the rest of the night, that should cover it" Jimmy looks back at Amanda for a long moment like he's got something to say, but instead he turns and walks towards Beth.

"Oh Teaspoon I don't think your plan is working" Amanda thinks to herself

She watches as they walk up the stairs, Beth looks both terrified and thrilled, going up those stairs with Wild Bill. 'I guess I'd be thrilled and terrified too and I've been at this a while.' Amanda thought to herself.

….

"Now where did you learn to play like that" Fred asked as Lou collected her winnings

She laughed "You forget who I used to bunk with. Cody, Teaspoon and Hickok, hell even Ike and Buck were pretty good poker players" she was getting good at saying his name without missing a beat or battin' an eye.

"Well this is good night fella's I got a baby that's sound asleep and needs put to bed" she nods at Jamie asleep on the bottom bunk "And I need some sleep, we got those new horses coming in tomorrow. You two should get some sleep too, pointing to her stable hands, those stalls won't get ready on their own. Ok who drew the short straw tonight?"

Fred's hand went up and so did the corners of his mouth "I'll take her Lou" he reaches for Jamie and tenderly picks her up and follows Lou out the door.

"Lou you work too hard, nearly every day since you've been here. You need to take a day off, stop pushing yourself so hard, you don't have to prove anything to anyone here, at least not anymore, why don't you let me take you and Jamie on a picnic tomorrow. The boys can handle everything for one day; you've got them as well trained as any stable hands I know. What do ya say?"

Lou opens the door to the tack rooms that she converted into an apartment for her and the baby and lets Fred pass her, she leaves the door open.

Fred lays the baby on the bed and turns to Lou "I know I'm a bit older than you Lou, but I've grown real fond of you, you know that."

"Fred I do know that and we talked about this. I ain't interested in no one, not in that way. It ain't even been a year yet since Kid died. Fred you a good man and I thank you for the wonderful compliment you've given me, but no. Personally if you ask me you should be looking elsewhere anyway, there's someone else who keeps watching you when you ain't looking. You need to give that some thought. Good night Fred."

Lou closed the door and sank onto her bed and pulled off her boots and socks, walked over to the basin, picked up the pitcher, poured some water in and began to wash her face. She listens as the quiet of the night begins to surround her. She has tried to embrace the quiet, thinking that if she welcomed it, then it will get easier. It never does. So most nights she tries to listen for the night sounds, even the wind blowing will occupy her mind for a while, tie up her thoughts so they don't drift to Jimmy. But frankly most nights she fails and Jimmy comes roaring in, it's never a gentle memory or a quiet thought, it's Jimmy pounding his way into her brain, like a headache. During the day she can fight to keep the pounding at bay, keep it hidden, but as soon as the night closes in she loses the battle and her heart is filled with him, his smell, his touch, his tongue, his hands and his words. And of course all the words he didn't say as well. While her heart cries for him, while her body betrays her trust and craves him, her mind is reminding her that he never said anything about all that she told him. He didn't yell at her or offer forgiveness or threaten to expose her or offer her his strong shoulder to cry on. He just left without ever saying a word. He must truly hate her for what she did, but even thinking, knowing that he hates her does nothing to quiet her nights.

….

"Amanda! Amanda!" Jimmy yells racing into her bar

"What Jimmy?" Amanda says looking at his stricken face "God Jimmy what is it"

"Honey I'm sorry, but I got a telegram from Rachel, its teaspoon"…

'No!...Oh God No! is he ….."

"No but Rachel says the doc thinks it's his heart and that he may not have much time. Look I'm gonna get us two horses and we can be there in two days if we ride hard"

"No Jimmy you go on ahead I have to make arrangements here and then I will take the stage in the morning"

"You sure?" Amanda nods "Alright then, I'll let Cooper know and you let your folks know he'll be in charge while I'm gone." Jimmy had taken over as marshal over a month ago. "I meet you when the stage gets to Rock Creek." He kisses her on the cheek and she watches as he leaves.

…..

"Oh no no!" Lou cries standing in the stables reading the telegram she just received "Fred, Fred" She calls running towards the bunkhouse. Fred comes out "What's the matter Lou?' What's wrong?"

"It's Teaspoon, I have ta leave, right away. Rachel says he's real sick; it's his heart the doc says. Fred I have to get home right away, she don't think he has much time"

"Of course, you go pack, I'll Let Maria know to get Jamie ready. Do you want me to go with you? Maria won't mind me being gone?" Maria had been looking after Jamie since Lou started working at the ranch and Fred had married her a few weeks ago.

"No thank you, but I need to leave today and try to get as many miles under us before dark"

"Ok you pack I get Lightening ready"

…

"Cobbler? What the hell does that mean?"

"Billy, what are you talking about?" asked the pretty girl lying on the bed Cody had just vacated to answer the door. "Nothing good ever comes by telegram in my opinion" she says pulling back the covers to reveal her naked body "Come back to bed Billy, I'm cold"

Cody smiles at her, a beautiful site for sure "Well it's a telegram from home, it just says 'Rachel's making cobbler and I need to be there soon'….Now everyone knows cobbler is my favorite, but ain't no one ever sent me an expensive telegram about it before. Something else is going on, I guess I need to get back and find out what." He looks down at her, sets the telegram on the table by the bed, smiles and reaches down to run his fingers along her thigh and up her ribs and gently cups her breast "of course, there's no rush it is just cobbler" he says lying down next to her and pulling the covers up.

…