Chapter 18

"Come on Jake the Doc said you could go. I'm beginning ta think you like it here"

Jimmy could hear the gentle laughter in Lou's voice as he entered Doc Avery's place. He was looking for Lou and he knew she'd be here. He hadn't seen much of Lou the last few days, he had been helping Teaspoon take care of Sharp's body and write the report that had to go to Sam and Lou had been helping Doc out by bringing Jake food and looking in on him while he recovered. But they needed to talk and he felt like she was avoiding him and if he was honest with himself, well he was avoiding her too.

Jimmy looked towards Jakes room, the door was opened a bit, he saw light coming from the room and he could hear their voices.

"Well I do like being taken care of, meals in bed and a pretty girl to watch over me. I could get used to it. Come on Louie, just one more time. You know you like it as much as I do" Jake chuckled and Jimmy frowned as he heard odd noises, including the squeak of the bed, coming from the room where Jake had been staying for the last 3 days.

"Jake" Lou admonished "We don't have time for that; I only came to tell you that Buck has your horse ready and that was over half an hour ago." Lou paused and Jimmy could hear the smile in her words as she said "Any way I don't like it; I was just doing it to make you feel better."

"Oh once more ain't going to hurt and you've gotten better since I taught you all those years ago." Jake chuckled "I guess you've been practicing"

"Jake, keep your hand to yourself ….Oh for heaven's sake if it will make you happy then just one more time and that's all."

Jimmy had heard enough and pushed the door opened with his boot and walked in. The frown on his face turned to surprise when he saw Jake sitting on the side of the bed and Lou sitting in a chair with a small table between them.

At the sound of the door Lou jumped "Lord Jimmy ya startled me. But since you're here" Lou gestured with her head for Jimmy to come over "what ya think?" she said holding up her cards for him to see "Should I raise him?"

Poker…. They were playing poker. "umm yea sure Lou" Jimmy said trying not to let the foolishness he felt show on his face.

Lou laughed "Jimmy I thought you was a better player than that, no way I'd raise with this hand."

"Well then I will" Jake said tossing a coin on the table "raise you a dollar."

"A dollar! You think I'm made of money. Fine here's your dollar and I call. Let me see em." She said.

"2 pair Louie, Jacks over 6's" Jake laid his cards on the table with a flourish and a smile.

"Why them's real pretty Jake, but they can't beat my 3 10's" Lou said as she put her cards on the table and pockets the coins. "That's three in a row Jake you're slipping."

Jake picks up the cards and returns them to the box "I'm an injured man, damn near died and you take advantage like that, it's just not right."

Lou stands and pushes the chair back against the wall and moves the table and starts towards the door "Ok Jake time to go Doc needs this room for the sick folks, Rachel sent you some food it's in your saddle bags and your horse is tied up outside. But I need to go I promised Emily I'd come get Jamie before lunch. You gonna come with me Jimmy, you can feed Jamie?"

Jimmy nodded "Sure, I'd love to get mashed peas all over me. Lookin' forward to it."

Jake and Jimmy follow her into the outer room and as Lou reaches the door she turns, looks at Jake and says "You promise to send word when you get to St Joe"

"Yes mam" he says with as he drapes his arm over her shoulder and pulls Lou her close.

Lou clears her throat and pushes away "Don't do getting all mushy on me Jake" she says opening the door.

Jake chuckles as he follows her out on to the sidewalk.

"All right Jake you ride safe I'm headed to Rachael's" Lou says as Jake steps off the sidewalk and takes the reins of his horse.

Jake waited a moment and as Lou turned away he said "You take care Louise."

Lou starts down the sidewalk in the opposite direction "You too Jake" Lou stops and looks over her shoulder "And think about what I said about settling down and getting married, you should try and find someone to take care of you" then she waves good bye and walks towards home.

Jake climbed onto his horse "Oh I found someone Louie" he said quietly as he watched her walk away "but I think she's taken."

Jake looks down at Jimmy, who had turned to follow Lou.

"Hickok" Jake calls as he tosses the deck of cards to Jimmy "She's stubborn, independent and can be downright pig headed but if you play your cards right, you just might get her to stay."

Jimmy looks at the cards in his hand and then at Jake who turns his horse and heads out of town "Of course if you hurt her" Jake hollers without turning back "I'll hunt you down."

"I don't think it's her that's likely to get hurt" Jimmy says softly to himself as he slips the cards into his pocket and follows Lou towards the house.

….

Lou turned from the kitchen table as she heard the back door open and smiled as Jimmy walked in "I thought you'd changed your mind"

"Nope just don't walk as fast as you." Jimmy said setting his hat and coat on the chair.

He turned towards the living room as he heard Jamie calling out to her momma "you want me to get her?"

"Yes please." Lou said turning back to the table as she finished making lunch.

Jimmy came in with his daughter on his shoulders and Lou smiled to herself. She knows that Jamie insists on Jimmy carrying her like that, it was her favorite place to be, perched on her Pa's shoulders. Jimmy put her in her high chair as Lou set a plate of food in front of her.

"If you want to entertain her while she eats I'll make us some lunch"

"Sure" Jimmy said rubbing his arm.

"I'm sorry Jimmy I shouldn't have asked you to carry her. Is your arm bothering you?"

"No, well a bit but its fine." Jimmy fed Jamie a spoon full of mashed potatoes, then gave her the spoon and watched as she tried her hand at feeding herself.

"What did Doc Avery say when he looked at it?"

"I haven't been ta see him. Don't look like that Lou, you did a fine job of cleaning it up and I've been busy." Jimmy saw the look Lou gave him as she set a plate in front of him.

"Jimmy it could get infected" she said as she sat down at the table with Jamie between them.

Jimmy shrugged "It'll be fine" he said as he gave Jamie a bite of his sandwich.

The house was quiet, Jimmy watched as Jamie ate as much food as she played with and watched Lou as she quietly ate her lunch.

Jimmy wished he could read her mind. He used to be good at knowing how she felt, what she was thinking, but through time and distance she had managed to put up walls he hadn't been able to break through. He was afraid she was slipping away.

They ate their lunch in peace and relative silence and they took turns feeding Jamie until her eyes grew heavy. Lou cleaned Jamie's face and hands and picked up her sleepy daughter "I think it's time for her nap." Lou paused a moment in the doorway "Jimmy, will you stay? There's coffee on the stove and pie from last night's supper, I'll be right back"

Jimmy nodded "I ain't going nowhere."

This is how it should be Jimmy thought to himself, as he got a cup of coffee, the three of them together. It should always be like this, well until there are more kids, maybe a boy, a son...…whoa, where did that come from? Lou and I ain't even talked for days; ya don't get more kids like that.

"Look Jimmy" Lou said interrupting Jimmy's wondering thoughts as she came into the kitchen "I know we haven't talked a lot the last few days….." she said pouring herself a cup of coffee and topping off his cup.

Jimmy held his breath, she had always been able to read him, to know what he was thinking, 'I just hope she didn't hear that part about more kids'.

"We've both been busy Lou, it's ok" Jimmy said rubbing his arm again.

"Jimmy at least let me look at your arm, I'm sure the bandage must need changing" Lou said gathering up supplies that Rachel kept in the cupboard.

Jimmy knew she was right and it was better not to argue with her, so he pulled his arm from his shirt sleeve and Lou set to work cutting off the old bandage.

"Look Jimmy, I know it was a lot to hear, all that about me and Jake and we haven't had much time to talk about it all, but I really wasn't hiding that I knew Jake it just never came up and I guess a part of me wondered what you all would think of me, riding with someone with Jakes reputation. He ain't as bad as folks make out. He taught me a lot and I don't know where I'd be now if he hadn't taken on a 13 year old orphan girl. Oh don't get me wrong he's just as likely to shoot a bounty as not, but ain't none of us perfect." Lou at Jimmy, his face was somber, he hadn't said a word. She wished she could read his mind. She felt so guilty about everything, about the secrets she kept, about the ones he knows and about bringing trouble home. She was certain Jimmy's feeling must have changed towards her.

Lou looked back down at his arm as she cleaned the wound and she continued. She felt like she was babbling, but she couldn't stop.

"And then finding out about Wicks…. But I want you to know that what happened with Wicks, that wasn't my fault, after you ran outta Teaspoons office the other day, well I didn't know what to say, I know that part must have been real hard for ya. It took me years to forget it but I was young then and I didn't know what kinda place it was, not at first. Maybe you think I should have known better or seen it coming but I didn't." Lou finished bandaging Jimmy's arm and stood up looking down at him.

"Lou honey, I never thought that" he said reaching his arms out he pulled her close "I'm sorry he did that to you, I know you didn't do anything wrong."

Lou watched Jimmy's face, sadness and grief written across his face, grief for all that Lou had lost in her life.

"All you've been through and most of it alone, ya ain't got to do it all alone any more Lou, I want to stand with you Lou, I wanna walk beside you for the rest of our lives."

"Then why'd you run when you found out"

Jimmy shook his head trying to clear the images that came up "I just couldn't stand the thought of someone hurtin' you like that, you were just a little girl"

Jimmy paused and gathered his thoughts "I hadn't ever been so angry thinking about what he'd done to you, but mostly I was scared, I thought about Jamie and wondered what will it be like for her, is some man gonna hurt her like that?" Jimmy looked up at Lou "I need to take care of her Lou; I need to be there for her, to protect her. All those thoughts were too much that's why I ran out. I kept seeing you hurt and I couldn't do anything, but I can protect Jamie."

Lou gently moved a lock of hair from his face "Jimmy, nothin' is gonna happen to Jaime, I won't let it, I'll die first. You don't have to worry about her in Julesburg, I won't let anything or anyone hurt her."

Lou stepped back and started putting away the first aid supplies, as Jimmy heart dropped 'she's leaving, she's planning on going back' he thought to himself.

Lou continued talking unaware of Jimmy's dark thoughts "Anyway, she's already got it better than I ever had it. After my Ma died I didn't have anyone, but Jamie, well she's got both a Ma and a Pa who love her. And God forbid if something happened to the both of us she won't ever see the inside of an orphanage, she's got what I never had…..family. Teaspoon and Rachel, Buck & Cody, what little girl could ever have better uncles and then she's got Emma and Sam. She'll have folks to look after her, to love her. You don't have to worry about her ending up like me."

Lou opened the back door, leaned against the jam and stood looking out at the prairie, letting the cool breeze gently caress her face. Jimmy came and stood beside her "I'm not worried about her ending up like you, if she grows up to be half the woman you are she'll do alright."

"Thanks Jimmy. That's a kindness." Lou took a deep breath of the fresh air and took a step away from Jimmy. "But there's something else we ain't talked about and I know it changed how you feel about me…..about us. And I want you ta know that even though we, me and you, have gotten …well ….. you know… close….since you found out the truth about Kid and about how he died, well I want you ta know I'm real sorry about Kid, about how it happened, I loved him, you have to know it wasn't deliberate, I never meant for it to happen."

Jimmy turned towards her and took her hand "I know Lou, and I'm sorry I never said anything, I just didn't know what ta say, except it doesn't change how I feel, I know Kid had troubles and I know he loved you, but he was always so sure he was going to lose you that the tighter he held on the more you slipped away. And I guess all he knew was what he saw between his folks. I know you never would have hurt him or anyone Lou and I promise it don't change anything about how I feel about us…" startled by a sudden noise, Jimmy and Lou both turned quickly, startled to see Buck standing by the kitchen table.

Lou looked at Buck, and then at Jimmy, the moment had passed "I need to check on Jamie"

Jimmy watched her walk quickly from the room and Buck watched Jimmy "Everything OK?"

"She's going back to Julesburg" he said.

"I know" Buck said walking across the room.

Jimmy looked at Buck "She told you?'

"This morning" Buck said "she came and talked to me and Emily. She still wants to loan us the money for the ranch."

Buck stood across from his brother "Jimmy you have to talk to her, you both can't keep walking away; one of you has to have the courage to speak up. I heard part of what you were talking about as I walked in. I don't know the truth of what happened to Kid, I always suspected that she wasn't telling the whole story, but it haunts her doesn't it"

Jimmy nodded "yea it weighs on her."

"Can you live with it Jimmy? If you know the truth, is that truth something you can live with."

Jimmy looked at his friend "Yea… Yea I can. It doesn't change the way I feel about her, if anything I love her more."

"Then tell her. Whatever happened between her and Kid and everything that's happened since has her putting walls back up, just like when all first met. I thought being home, around the whole family that she would feel safe again, but she doesn't. Talk to her Jimmy, even if she leaves, don't let her leave without telling her how you feel."

Jimmy turned towards the open door, grabbed his hat and coat off the chair and walked out.

Buck watched his friend, framed by the doorway, walking farther away, and he knew that with winter coming if Lou leaves it might be spring before the family was together again. And he knew that then it would be too late for Lou and Jimmy. 'Talk to her Jimmy', he said quietly to himself, praying to the sprits that his friends find peace.

…

"Rachel said you'd be out here" Jimmy said as he walked into the barn.

Lou turned quickly, deep in her thoughts she didn't hear the bran door open. It had been hours since she and Jimmy had spoken at lunch, when she came back into the kitchen after checking on Jamie she found only an empty room and the back door standing open.

Jimmy walk over to her "Rachel wanted me to let you know dinner would be in the bunk house tonight, I guess since we're all still here there's more room and she's cooking for an army, so we know Cody's happy."

Lou smiled and turned back to Lightening and continued to brush him.

He watched her for a moment as she groomed her horse "When ya leaving?" A little fear gripped him as he waited for an answer.

"Tomorrow I figure, I have to get back to work or I won't have a job to get back to" Lou looked at his face. She had expected to see an angry Jimmy or a disappointed Jimmy but all she saw was the face of the man she had loved for so very long, his eyes holding no recriminations just Love. She was puzzled, how could he still love her after all he knew, after all she had done.

Jimmy just nodded "I didn't know it'd be so soon, Buck said you were going to loan them the money for the ranch, gonna be partners."

"Yea, sort of like partners I just won't be working here, at least not now. Someday when I come home it'll be different but for now….." Lou shrugged and turned back towards her beloved Lightening, gently brushing his coat.

"Why wait? Just stay, don't go back to Colorado Lou. You'd have Rachel and the rest of the family around you. I'll stay away if that's what you want but stay here Lou. Stay with the family."

"Oh Jimmy" Lou put her forehead against Lightening's side.

Lou turned and took a step towards him "I don't want you to stay away, Jamie loves you and needs her Pa and …..."

"Then don't go Lou" Jimmy says "Stay here, we'll both stay here, together." He puts his hands on her shoulders.

"Lou I ain't gonna beg you and maybe I'll only get this one chance, but I'm gonna put all my cards on the table here, I love you. How many times do I have to say it for you to believe it? I Love everything about you Lou. Your beauty and your strength, I love your edges and your stubbornness, I love what I see in your eyes when you look at Jamie. I love knowing that you'll always have my back, what can I do to convince you that I'll always have yours?"

"Oh Jimmy" Was all Lou could say, words were failing her "I don't know what to say; you're making my head spin. Jimmy you've always been my downfall. I look into those eyes and it's like I'm falling. I feel like I'm goin' a little crazy."

"Well that suits I guess , since I'm outta my mind. You're my end and my beginning Lou…Louise"

She looked up at him and smiled a bit at the use of her full name.

Jimmy smiled back "What will I do without that smile? I ain't got much but all I have is yours. I will always be yours, even if you won't have me. There ain't never gonna be anyone else Lou."

Jimmy looks into her beautiful brown eyes, he's always known that his heart would belong to her. He tried to give it away to others and he tried to bury it in a bottle, but there will never be anyone but her. Whatever she decides and wherever she goes, Lou will always have his heart.

"I only see two ways my life is gonna go…You let me love you Lou and you marry me, and I put down the guns and together we build a life for our sons and daughters. I'll do my best to never let you down Lou and I ain't foolish enough to make promises I might not be able to keep but I will promise that no matter what I will wake up every day thankful for the love we share and go to bed every night holding you in my arms."

Jimmy wipes a silent tear from Lou's cheek "that's one way I see my life, the other….well, It's pretty much the life I've been living since I left the Army. I live by the gun, I drink too much and most nights I sleep alone, haunted by my past. I don't see that changing without you. Without you I'll die young, most likely either shot by someone younger and faster, or shot in the back by someone looking for revenge."

Lou's heart was breaking, she wanted him, she needed him and she knew that her life would only be complete if he was in it. Her heart knew that without him she would be alone the rest of her life, that he held her heart now and forever. But her head was telling her that she was better off being alone, her head understood her fear, that it could all change, that there would always be a chance he could just stop loving her. Her head knows what her heart has had to endure….

Lou took a step back from him "Jimmy, even if I wanted to stay, I still gotta go back to Julesburg, it wouldn't be right to just not go back. I need to give them time to find someone to replace me, I gotta get our things. I'm still going back."

"Then we'll go together" Jimmy sensed her closing down as she pulled away.

"Jimmy your pushing me, I can't think straight"

"Do you love me Lou? Tell me, you don't love me and I'll go, I'll go right now."

Lou felt like the walls of the barn were closing in as panic gripped her and she felt her heart crying out to him and she wondered if her head was right, didn't Kid say he loved her, wasn't her father supposed to love her and keep her safe and her mother loved her but she left too, and they are all gone, leaving promises not kept, leaving behind lies and leaving Lou behind.

Lou's stubbornness was what had kept her safe for many years, it helped her survive and it was kicking in and taking over "Jimmy, you know I Love you but I don't know if it's enough…."

Lou pulled the barn door opened and fled across the street to the bunkhouse.

Lou pushes open the bunk house door and rushes in with Jimmy right behind.

"Jimmy I ain't getting married again, leastwise not now…I don't want to talk about it anymore, maybe next time Jamie and I come for a visit we can settle it then. But not now, the subject is closed!"

"The hell it is!" Jimmy exclaims as he slams the door closed.

He and Lou both stop quickly and look around the bunkhouse at their family getting ready for supper. Lou looks at Emily carrying dishes to the table where the men of the family are sitting and Rachel standing near the stove. All eyes are on them now, on her and Jimmy.

Breathing heavily she manages to ask "Where are the children?"

"At the house, Mrs. Buchannan is watching them" Emily says setting the dishes down on the side board.

Lou's eyes dart between Jimmy and the members of her family, she doesn't want to have this fight in front of them and she turns to run out. But Jimmy is done running, but he isn't done fighting. Lou is worth fighting for and so he blocks her path to the door.

Teaspoon stands up "Now hold on" he says "What's going on?"

"Oh no, they'll be no more running." Jimmy says to Lou ignoring Teaspoon and not taking his eyes off of her. "We're gonna settle this and settle it now…..I love you Lou…..Do ya love me?"

Lou takes a step back "Love ain't the issue. I just don't know if I want to get married."

Jimmy points his finger at Lou "Lord but I ain't never known anyone as stubborn as you".

Jimmy stops, his eyes narrow, his frustration showing and he jams his hands in his pockets trying to control his temper, then his face softens and he smiles as he looks around the room and then into Lou's eyes. He raises his eyebrows and says "But I think I know how to settle this."

Jimmy takes a step closer to Lou as she backs up against the table with nowhere to run and he pulls a deck of cards out of his coat pocket.

"One hand, winner takes all" he says.

….