Hello Everyone: Sorry for the late update but here is the next chapter of AVTTBH. Hope you Enjoy and don't forget to rate and review. -sdwash27
Chapter 17
April Kepner stood outside of Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital- her hands held a small black carry-on prepared for her two night stay in Boston. The time had finally arrived after many months of preparations and strong bouts of misguided frustrations- April Kepner would be taking her surgical medical examinations in a little over 27 hours. She stared at the familiar structure- one she'd memorized many years before; watching as the staff came and went- all wearing the face of exertion and beguilement- because every day in this hospital was an adventure and as a surgeon you were the heroine. It was barely 6:00 a.m. and the overcast of the moon illuminated over April's shadow. She was only scheduled to work a half shift in light of her flight; the chief had been more than adamant that she take the entire day off but April insisted she work- she needed the distraction.
She rubbed her tired eyes with the sleeve of her attending's coat mustering up the courage to enter the building. She was exhausted, emotional, and crazy. She'd spent half the night alone in her closet-spaced apartment throwing away anything that reminded her of her engagement to Matthew. She'd kept an entire montage of wedding magazines and marriage preparation books- none of which would be any use to her now that the wedding was off. She didn't regret her decision no matter how spontaneous it had been- she knew that ending things with Matthew was the right choice- necessary. She could not offer him the life and the commitment he deserved- her heart just wasn't in it solely because someone else had taken her heart hostage well before she had ever laid eyes on the doting paramedic.
She let out a deep sigh.
Thinking of Jackson was like an ulcer- a dull throbbing pain that never seemed to go away.
Their relationship was complicated, messy, and full of angst. It was all consuming-addictive- Jackson was like heroin. He'd taken her fast and hard and she had never been able to shake him- he was her guilty pleasure.
"Hey you."
Callie was standing right behind her clothed in her usual navy blue scrubs- her hair pinned back in a loose bun- she wore a familiar wide-toothed grin.
"Hey," April muttered enthusiasm deprived.
"Walk with me?"
Callie locked arms with April and led her into the building towards the elevators.
She stared at the trauma surgeon- who to her seemed less like herself. She didn't expect full blown pep in her step April Kepner to emerge- not today- not after the night she'd had, but she did not anticipate to find her friend standing outside of the hospital fighting the ability to move forward. April was a mess. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out- just an insightful best friend.
"Hey you ok?" the orthopedic surgeon asked placing a comforting hand on the small of her back as they entered the elevator.
"I'm here."
"Hey try not to sound so enthused," Callie answered hoping for a reaction from the red-headed trauma surgeon.
"Yeah aren't you just a little ball of energy," she added scrunching up her nose in an awkward frown.
"Callie I'm fine, really."
"Right. Shame on me to think my best friend might be a little down today considering she broke off her engagement last night and the man that she loves is dealing with the loss of his child and she doesn't know how to comfort him. Right, everything's Honkey-Dorey in Kepner Land."
"Callie," April breathed. "Do you have to be such a-"
"Bitch."
"I wasn't going to say that."
"It doesn't matter. We both know what you meant and honestly I'm fine with being the Bitch of the two if it helps you open up and drop some of this baggage you're carrying with you."
April rolled her eyes glancing up at the elevator. They'd only made it three floors.
This had to have been the longest elevator ride she had ever been on.
"There's no baggage."
"Says the girl who's been in the middle of a dysfunctional foursome for nearly a year."
"Really Callie." "
"Yes, Really. You're in love with Jackson, Jackson's in love with you, and then there's Stephanie- the formerly pregnant ex-girlfriend and Matthew- the ex-fiancé. Yep sounds like a foursome to me.
"Oh My God," she shrieked feeling an overpowering impulse to stop the elevator and sit until her shift was over but not before kicking her know it all best friend out first.
Callie furrowed a brow folding her arms in one another.
"Hey no yelling. I'm only trying to help."
"Well you're not helping."
The doors of the elevator opened and April briskly stepped into the hall.
"Thank God," she mumbled hoping that she had escaped Callie's persistent questioning.
"Wait up."
Callie found her step in line with April as they ventured towards the attending's lounge.
"Didn't think you could get away from me that easily, did you?"
"Not a chance."
"So did you give him back the ring?"
"No. I-"
"Don't tell me you still have it?" Callie asked grabbing a donut from the counter in the lounge and stuffing her face with it.
"Callie. I wanted to give it to him, but every time I thought about it I chickened out."
"So where is it?"
April flipped over the collar of her scrub top revealing the diamond Matthew had given to her not once but twice.
"You're wearing it? April you have to give it back to him. It's the first step in moving on."
"I know, I know. I just don't know if I can see him. He was so furious with me last night- I broke his heart. I don't want to rub it in his face by giving the ring back so soon."
"He's expecting it hunny; you broke off the engagement," Callie explained.
April stuffed her carry-on into her locker along with her purse and locked the contents inside.
"You're probably right," she answered back leaning her back against the door of her cubby hole.
She ran her fingers through the length of her ponytail trying to detangle the ends- she hadn't spent much time on her hair this morning deciding that a simple brushing and a band would hold her through the day.
"Oh I'm right about this Kepner. Trust me."
April glanced at the clock hanging just above the entrance.
6:30
She couldn't believe thirty minutes had passed since she'd arrived at the hospital- she glared at the orthopedic surgeon- chuckling at the sight of her as she scoffed down another donut.
"I should head down to the ER," April announced.
"Ok Chica, Good Luck today!"
April gave her a warm smile.
"Yeah, thanks."
The ER was still. So still that April could hear the shuffling of her feet as she entered the floor. There were no patients to be treated; Doctors to assist- Just April and the questions that invaded her thoughts. She did not prepare herself for the quietness of the ER; she'd relied heavily on the promise of a chaotic work day. She needed something to keep her mind off of the deeply rooted issues that gnawed at her spirit.
She placed her hands in the pockets of her coat and lingered out into the pit. She looked up into the sky admiring the sun- it had just begun to rise. She squinted her eyes looking away after the beam from the sun had become too bright.
"Even the pit was silent," she thought hoping to hear the sounds of sirens in the distance.
Nothing.
"Hey what are you doing out here?"
Meredith stood alongside April peering up into the sky just as April had done.
"I'm just-"
"Is this what it feels like," Meredith asked?
"Like what?"
"To lose- for nothing to have ever gone in your favor," she explained her eyes following the cloud formations in the sky.
"I… I haven't lost. I don't understand where this is coming from."
"But you have. April look at you out here. Anyone can see the collateral damage you've become- your pain- guilt and even shame. It's pitiful what a man can do to you if you let him. You're a doctor Kepner- a surgeon. This is not a job or even a career. This is a choice- a choice to save lives- to win. Don't waste it April, not for some guy... or two."
"You're to talk. You and Derrick's relationship has been one soap opera after another. Who are you to offer me relationship advice?" she sneered her mind no longer free to wander into unmentioned territory.
"You're absolutely right. Derrick and I have made mistakes- some really bad choices when it comes to our relationship and even this hospital. April I'm not telling you to give up on love or that you can't have a relationship and be a surgeon, but what I am saying is you need to pull it together. When you're here at this hospital you are Not April Kepner- the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve. You're Dr. Kepner and you have to be your best one hundred percent of the time. You can't risk a patient's life because your boyfriend left you or something. When you're here, Meredith pointed towards the hospital building, your head has to be in it."
Meredith was right- April understood that. All morning she'd been wrapped up in her drama so much so that she didn't even won't to enter the building this morning. If it hadn't been for Callie and her persistent ways she'd might not have ever gone inside. She was seriously messed up and in no shape to work.
"You're right Mer, Thanks."
Meredith smiled at her- sort of.
"You're welcome."
She turned to walk away.
"Hey I thought you were mad at me?" April questioned curious if maybe things weren't so bad between them after all.
"I am"
April looked away from her.
"Oh."
"But maybe a little less mad," said Meredith.
"Oh thank god," April breathed feeling a huge relief that her relationship with Meredith was not doomed- that they could actually talk to one another again. "Hey Mer," she said.
"Yes."
"Do you think you could tell the Chief that I'm going to take the day off after all? I have a lot on my mind and I don't think that I'd be any good to this hospital today," April admitted.
Meredith stared at her for a moment almost as if she was accessing her- It was a little uncomfortable for April.
"Yeah, Sure," she answered. "April so you know things will get better- you'll come out of this a stronger person and a better doctor. I know it."
She nodded.
"Thanks Mer," she said aloud after Meredith had already gone back inside. "Thanks so much."
April stood outside of Matthew's apartment fumbling with the notion to knock on the door. She'd taken a risk by coming here but she had something that belonged to him- something that she could no longer carry with her- the ring. It felt heavy in her jean pocket; she could feel the diamond cutting against the surface of her thigh.
"Here we go," she whispered aloud raising her hand to the door.
The door opened before she could knock and she was soon met with the realization that coming to see Matthew actually was a bad idea. He stood in front of her dressed casually in pajama pants- no shirt. His hair was slightly rustled as if he had just woken up and his eyes were begging for more sleep.
"April," he muttered softly. "What are you doing here?"
She hesitated unsure of what to say or if she should say anything at all. He didn't appear angry at her which was surprising given how angry he had been last night.
"Did you want to come in?" he asked after he was given no response.
He stepped back allowing room for April to come inside and closed the door behind them.
"So to what do I owe this visit?" he asked light-heartedly.
"I. Umm…"
She dug into her jean pocket and retrieved the single diamond that weighed on her heart and held it out for him to see.
"Oh I see," he replied sharply- the tension in his jaw line apparent.
"I thought you might want this back." "Here," she said handing him the ring.
He held it momentarily-studying the ring while moving it between his thumbs then placed it on the kitchen counter.
"Right… Thanks."
She awkwardly stuffed her hands in her pockets- her eyes taking in her surroundings. It'd been a while since she'd been in his apartment; she'd forgotten how much like home it felt to her. Everything was exactly the way she'd remembered.
The large Ivy she'd bought him in an attempt to liven up the apartment still thrived in the corner of his living room. Her collection of old aged romance novels lined the entire third row of his bookshelf- she'd wondered if he'd want to return them to her. On the coffee table centered and staring right at her was a framed picture of the two of them smiling widely at one another- he'd cupped her face tenderly as she looked up at his longing face.
Nothing had changed.
He hadn't gotten rid of a single thing that reminded him of her.
"If you want I could take some of my things… get them out of your hair," she offered shyly.
"You don't have to do that. I sort of like your things around the house- its home to me."
"Oh. I… Well…"
"It's ok. You don't have to say anything. I get it."
"Thanks," she said moving closer to the door. He'd gotten the ring back; there was no reason for her to stay. It was awkward enough for her to see him. "I should go."
She'd reached the door when he grabbed her arm pulling her back into the apartment. He looked at her intently- his eyes burning with emotion- so much pain was in his eyes.
"Did you ever love me?" he breathed holding her in front of him.
"Of course I did."
"But."
"But I don't think I was ever in love with you. I think I've always known that but… It took me awhile to admit it to myself."
She placed her hand on his face cupping it with such care.
He closed his eyes trying to lock in the memory of what her touch felt like to him- he knew this would be the last time he'd feel this close to her.
"I never wanted to hurt you Matthew. I'm sorry."
She felt the wetness of his tears cover her hand- wiping them away one by one. She impulsively lifted her body up- standing on her tippy toes- so that her face would be aligned with his.
She kissed him tenderly- she'd felt the need to comfort him- he still mattered to her. His arms gathered her up and meshed her body into his but he did not deepen the kiss. There was no point.
This was goodbye.
She pulled away from him locking eyes with him. He understood and so did she that they were never meant to be.
It was finally over.
"Goodbye Matthew," she said leaving him alone in his apartment.
He picked up the ring from the counter-top and held it out in front of him.
"Goodbye," he whispered aloud- the emptiness of his apartment looming over him.
April's flight to Boston had been horrific- the turbulence had been so bad April thought that maybe she should call her family and friends and tell them she loved them at least three times during her flight. The turbulence wasn't even the worst part of it all- it was the disgusting pig of a man she had been fated to share a seat with. How many times did you have to say no for a guy to get the point and stop trying to pick you up? For seat- guy the word No only made him want her more.
She'd checked into to her hotel an hour after her plane touched down in Boston- relieved that she could finally settle in and relax in her room. She'd had a crazy day and sleep was necessary if she wanted to be at her best tomorrow for examinations. She'd unpacked- placing her things in drawers- it didn't matter to her that she would only be in Boston for the weekend. She wanted to make everything feel like home as quirky as that might sound. She pulled out her medial books, her journal, and the flash cards Jackson had made her that had never been used and disbursed them about the bed. She'd planned to study a few hours before she went to bed tonight; however first she wanted to shower.
After she'd showered she'd dressed herself in pajama shorts and a t-shirt and pulled her hair into a messy bun atop her head. She'd gotten a little hungry so she'd called room service and ordered her a burger for dinner.
She was sitting cross-legged on the bed engrossed in her notes when she heard a light rap on the door. She put her things aside and got out of bed grabbing her wallet to tip the food service clerk who had kindly delivered her dinner to her.
"Gosh I was starving," she said as she opened the door- only the delivery guy was not the man standing in her doorway.
"Jackson," she said in awe bewildered that he would fly all the way out to Boston. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be with Stephanie?"
"Stephanie's Fine. I'm here for you," he said retrieving a red number two pencil from behind his ear.
"I thought you should have this?" he said handing her the pencil. "I figured a lucky pencil would do you a lot of good right about now. Can I come in?"