Can I ask you a question please? Promise you won't laugh at me.

Honestly, I'm standing here, afraid I'll be betrayed.

- Black Roses Red, Alanna Grace

"Anyone else get the feeling that something's wrong with Cissnei?" Jessie asked, glancing worriedly at the door.

"Probably a Shinra spy," Barret grumbled. Tifa put down her fork, suddenly thoughtful.

"Cloud might know."

"Huh?" Cloud glanced up. "I'm sorry, I have no idea who this girl even is, let alone why she acts the way she does."

"Are you sure?" Jessie had latched on to the idea. "You were in Shinra together, right? And she approached you and said she recognised you."

Cloud shook his head. "Don't remember her. I guess SOLDIERs and Turks didn't work together much."

"Maybe you've seen each other around..." Jessie seemed vaguely disappointed.

"No. Wierd thing is..." He frowned as he mentally played back their first conversation. "It seemed like she expected me not to remember her. And Barret, I don't think she's a spy. She approached me without knowing I was part of Avalanche."

"Oh! I know!" Jessie grinned suddenly. "Maybe Cloud has a secret admirer. She knew him from Shinra but didn't expect to be remembered because she didn't think you'd notice her, and she's been acting wierd because she's nervous."

"Jessie..."

"You two are so cute together!"

Cloud shot Jessie a look of profound distaste. "Shut up."

"Hey, no need to be rude."

"Whatever," Cloud replied. Something about Cissnei... bothered him. He couldn't put his finger on it. It seemed like she knew more about him than she was letting on, and he didn't like that. "I'm going outside to check on her."

"Awww..."

"Jessie, stop," Tifa interjected with an annoyed look.

"Ok, ok, I'm sorry."

Never in her life had Cissnei felt so alone.

Not to say she had never been alone before. She had lived by herself in the slums, after her parent's death and before she'd joined the Turks. But that was different. She'd never really felt lonely, then, at least not after a while. She'd talk to the other slum kids from time to time. Sometimes get into fights (she'd never pick fights herself, but that didn't mean she wouldn't defend herself if provoked, which she often was). But she hadn't minded drifting through the world, mostly by herself, just watching things from the background. She hadn't felt restless because she didn't know what to do, where to go.

And then there had been the Turks. She'd joined them because Tseng had asked her to and it seemed a better life then the one she'd had until then, but at some point she'd begun to desire Tseng's respect, to enjoy bantering with Reno, to feel comfortable in Rude's silences. She'd gotten used to companionship. She'd begun to let her guard down.

Maybe that was why she'd let Zack get so close to her. She wanted to promise herself that it would never happen again, that she would never again let someone in like that, but she didn't know if she had that kind of restraint anymore.

It had felt good while it lasted. Even when Zack had been dating that Ancient girl, even when every other word he'd say would make her jealous, she'd felt... happy. She hadn't cared if he didn't return her love, as long as she could love him.

She missed that feeling as much as she missed him. For about a year her life had seemed perfect, and when that had changed she'd found she couldn't just change with it anymore, just accept and move on.

This is why you don't get attached to things.

The door clicked open behind her and her heart dropped. Cloud was choosing now to get his answers?

"Cissnei."

"Cloud."

Cloud stood there silently, arms crossed, looking at her. She sighed. She was changing her initial verdict; Cloud was nothing like Zack, despite the eyes and the way he held himself and the way he tilted his head when he was confused. Zack would have cracked a joke by then, seen that she was upset and tried to cheer her up. She'd just wanted to see Zack in Cloud, because it was just another way of deluding herself, pretending that he wasn't gone forever.

Never lie to yourself, Cissnei.

"Did you want something?" she asked.

"Can I sit down?"

"Of course," Cissnei replied, moving to the side to make space for him. The silence stretched out again between them. It wasn't the pleasant silence she'd enjoyed with Rude; it was too full of the questions Cloud wasn't asking, and the things Cissnei wasn't telling him.

"Cissnei, remember earlier -"

"Anna Taylor," Cissnei blurted out, then cursed herself. She'd wanted to move the conversation away from the things she'd said when she'd approached him, but she hadn't meant... this.

"What?"

"Anna. That's my real name. I took the name Cissnei when I joined the Turks." There. Something she hadn't wanted to entrust to Zack until she couldn't anymore, even though she'd loved him, and she'd given it to Cloud after one night and a stupid connection to a past she wanted to let go. It doesn't mean anything unless you let it. Nothing has meaning unless you let it.

"Ok, yeah, sure. What's your point?"

Cissnei sighed, wishing she'd never told him. She should have guessed he'd be a jerk about it, and he wasn't going to let her derail the conversation, was he? Well, she could always turn it on him. After all, she had her own questions which she wanted answers to.

"I've only told one other person that." Tseng, and she'd only told him because she'd had no other name at that point. "It's your turn, now. A secret for a secret."

Cloud narrowed his eyes. "What kind of secret do you want?"

"Well, you could start by telling me your real name."

"What?" Cloud looked at her, startled. "Cloud is my real name."

"If you say so," Cissnei said. So, he didn't trust her. Even though she'd told him her real name, which had value no matter how much she tried to pretend that it was meaningless. Well, if he did trust you, wouldn't you find him stupid and naive?

For a Turk, yes, maybe. Zack would have trusted her.

"Cloud... I just wanted to say that I'm sorry." The words came out quietly, but just a little colder than she'd intended. Of course he shouldn't have trusted her; she was an ex-Turk. She'd given him her name, which meant nothing (except that to her, it did) and asked for his name, which could have helped her identify him as the other escaped sample if that was what she'd wanted. I'll never stop being an ex-Turk

"What?" Cloud was looking at her with an expression of complete bewilderment by that point. On someone who pretended to be a tough, badass soldier, the expression was oddly cute and endearing and Cissnei had to soften a bit.

"For... for Zack." There. It was out in the open now. She waited for him to freeze up, to yell at her or to just somehow react but he just seemed, if anything, even more confused than before. "I couldn't get to you on time. I'm sorry; I tried..." She stopped to look at Cloud. He seemed entirely uncomprehending.

"...I think you've lost me."

It was Cissnei's turn to be bewildered. He'd been in a coma when she'd met them at the beach, yes, but if he was here now then he must have woken up at some point. And he had Zack's sword, and he'd been gone by the time they got there so he must have woken before Zack's death and you couldn't just forget a friend that died to protect you.

There were, she realised, tears stinging her eyes. They must have been tears of frustration; Cissnei did not cry, hadn't cried even when she'd found Zack because she'd had to maintain her composure in front of the other Turks, hadn't cried since then because she'd felt too empty for tears.

She'd wanted Cloud to remember. He had to; he was just playing dumb for her, because he still didn't trust her, somehow. She'd wanted to share Zack's memory with someone. Now she couldn't talk to him, reach out to him and she felt even lonlier and emptier than before.

"Never mind. It doesn't matter." Cissnei got to her feet and turned towards the door.

"Wait -" Cloud began, then stopped. She ignored him.

"Anna -"

"Just call me Cissnei."

"Cissnei!"

Cissnei blinked her eyes open as sickly green-tinged Midgar light spilled in through the window. "Ugh. Can I please go back to sleep?"

"No. We're blowing up a reactor today, remember? You need to get up." Jessie stared down at Cissnei, who pulled a blanket up over her head to block Jessie and the morning rays of light out of her world. Sleep had been so peaceful - she'd even managed to escape the nightmares. The bitter disappointment of last night was gone. Cloud meant nothing to her; why should she care whether he trusted her or not? Why he'd been so important to Zack, she would never understand.

A sharp tug pulled her blanket away from her and she groaned again, squinting against the light. Where does Jessie get her energy? I swear she's bouncing.

"Breakfast is downstairs. If you don't come down, you'll miss it. And Biggs bought you a weapon last night."

"Okay..."

"I'm giving you thirty seconds to get out of bed." Jessie put her hands on her hips. "Thirty... twenty-nine..."

"I'm up, I'm up!" Cissnei doubted Jessie could have made her get up, but it was nice to play along. Careful. Don't get attached again; Jessie won't be there forever, just like everyone else. You can chat, but don't make friends.

"Excellent. Get dressed, and then I'm racing you downstairs."