The heat was creating sun burns on his back as Dean ran laps in the empty ground. It was ridiculous that he was feeling angry over something imaginary, but that didn't stop him from fuming.
"Fucking son-of-a-bitch!" he spat as came to a halt and kicked at the ground. The beads of sweat trickling down his back did nothing to cool him down as he recalled the conversation he had with Cas an hour ago.
"So, you're dating him now." Dean stated as his hands clenched into fists. It was a miracle that the phone hadn't broken under pressure.
"Well, Dean..it's not dating as such..you know..Its complicated.." Cas fumbled and Dean could hear the anxiety in his voice. If Cas could see him right now he would understand that Dean did not need any bullshit.
"How is it complicated Cas?" Dean shot back in a barely restrained voice "You're either dating the jerk or not. There is no confusion in that."
Cas sighed into the phone "Dean, you can't still be angry with him over the past" he tried placating his friend.
"Oh I can!" Dean smarted "I can and you should too. He is a fucking asshole who gave you shit for being gay and now he is gay too? Bullshit! How can you trust someone who couldn't respect you for who you are Cas? One year! A whole year he's been insulting you and making college hell for you. And now you want me to believe that he's changed? . He's an asshole Cas and you know it"
Dean and Cas had joined different colleges for their courses; UCLA and Stanford respectively. They had met over holidays and talked over phone frequently. When Cas had told him about Balthazar, a senior, constantly ragging him Dean told him to fight back. He tried to make Cas understand that he needed to stand his ground and Cas had tried it. Things changed when Cas had been beaten up once and Dean had worried that it was his stupid advice that led to it.
He still remembered driving down to Stanford and kicking Balthazar's ass for it.
"Dean!" Cas' voice brought him back to the present "He has realized his mistake and is simply asking for a second chance. Aren't YOU the one who told me to believe in second chances?"
Dean growled at that "Cas, there's a difference between giving a second chance to a human being and the Devil. Balthazar is the Devil. He DOESN'T care about you, DOESN'T love you and ISN'T right for you."
"Is there anyone right for me Dean? Cas retorted, thoroughly irritated "Because as I recall, you don't seem to like anyone I date."
"That's because you always go for the bad guys!" Dean was almost yelling by now.
There was an uncomfortable pause where Dean felt he heard something like 'And it all started with you' but brushed it off when he heard Cas speak again.
"Listen to me Dean" the medical student began again "I'm not saying that Balthazar is perfect for me or that I'm in love with him. I'm not that stupid and you know that. All I'm saying is that he deserves a chance at fixing his mistakes. This isn't dating. It's more of a non-platonic friendship."
Dean sputtered at the non-platonic part "Did you..Did you KISS him?"
He could virtually see Cas debating on his answer. After a moment's pause he heard the other side work again.
"Yes."
And that had led to another blown out argument where Dean might or might not have called Cas a 'spineless worm' and other things. That was a week ago.
Groaning to himself Dean knew that he had been stupid. He had felt oddly betrayed and had taken it out on Cas. Now Cas wasn't answering any of his calls and Dean really needed to apologize. Making his final decision, he jogged back to his dorm.
Cas was exhausted after an excruciating day of endless classes. He simply wanted to get back to his room and crash into his old bed. Balthazar hadn't made things easy for him by constantly being needy. 'Casty let's go watch a movie'. 'Casty let's have a study date in the library' or 'Casty let's make out'. Really? Make out?! He was on the verge of stabbing Balthazar or any person who dared to stop him from sleeping. Especially Balthazar, because he really didn't like the nickname 'Casty'.
As he opened the door to his room, Cas didn't bother with the lights. He knew that Tate, his roommate, was out for a date and assumed that he was alone. Stripping off his shirt and pushing down his pants, he stumbled in the darkness to the bed and collapsed on it. Or specifically on someone.
"What the fuck!" the voice from beneath him made Cas jump off and fall down on the ground. He heard footsteps and a minute later the lights came on. Blinking at the sudden light, he looked up to see a very disgruntled and sleepy Dean. In his room. With sleep tousled hair and wearing his Beatles t-shirt.
"Why're you naked?!" Dean's question brought Cas out of his shock and he looked down to see that he was sprawled on the floor in just his Batman boxers. He looked up to see Dean trying very hard to not let his eyes roam over him. Obviously, he was failing because his lips were struggling to keep in his laughter. Cas felt the stupidity of the situation crash on him and burst out laughing. He was literally rolling on the floor, his hands clutching his stomach and laughing his lungs out. After a moment Dean joined in and both of them spent the next 15 minutes laughing at each other and the situation.
"Sooo" Cas drawled after finally pulling on a shirt and sitting on the chair beside the window "You're here." He didn't know what question to ask.
"Yeah" Dean confirmed sheepishly, rubbing his neck with a hand "Yeah I'm here"
Cas simply stared at the other guy, waiting for some sort of an explanation. When he got none, he threw up his hands and huffed.
"Why are you wearing my t-shirt?" he questioned curiously, opting to start from the least confusing question. Even as he asked it, Cas noticed that it looked better on Dean than himself. He had bought it at a sale but it had always hung loose on him. Dean, on the other hand, was athletic and had filled out pretty well. It fitted him perfectly, even looking snug on his biceps. His well-toned and strong biceps.
"My shirt got dirty and I needed to change after the shower" Dean's answer snapped Cas back to the present. He was glad about it too because the line of thinking he was on before could really not lead anywhere good.
"You showered?" Cas asked wondering how nobody had caught Dean sneaking into his room.
"Yeah, the drive made me stink and I know you don't like it when I get dirty." If Dean only knew what that last statement sounded like to Cas, he probably wouldn't have said it.
Cas nodded and glanced at the tousled sheets where Dean was currently sitting. Why was he here?
"I came to apologize" Dean started in an almost hesitant voice. When Cas didn't stop him, he continued "I was a jerk to you on the phone. You're right, I can't decide who you should date. That's..that's just a screwed up way of being concerned. You wanna date old Batty, you should date him."
Dean's eyes looked vulnerable and nervous making Cas smile internally. No matter how big a jock and Alpha Male he pretended to be, Dean had always been a softie at heart. Cas wanted to forgive him immediately but resisted the urge. They had some things to clear before he did that.
"I don't want you to freak out every time I don't like something you say Dean." Cas explained in a firm but gentle tone, "That would just make you uncomfortable talking to me. I can take your opinions and you can take mine. Just because we don't agree on certain things, doesn't mean that we aren't friends."
Dean thought about it for a minute "So you're saying that we should agree to disagree sometimes." He clarified, standing up from the bed and moving towards the window.
Cas nodded with a small smile "And agree to not break into hostel rooms" he teased making Dean snort.
"So what are we doing tonight?" he asked, sitting on the window sill precariously.
Cas frowned "Doing tonight? Dean, I'm tired and you popped out of nowhere. How did you get here anyway?"
Dean waved it off "Drove. And what do you mean you're tired? I'm here and you're just gonna sleep? C'mon Cas! Let's go out somewhere. Show me around!"
Cas opened his mouth to argue but shut it back. There would be no good in explaining to Dean. Also, he didn't feel like hitting the bed anymore. "All right, where do you wanna go?" he asked, standing up and grabbing his glasses.
Thirty minutes later they were lying down in a garden near the hostel, a cover of half eaten sandwiches lying between them. Dean was smoking a cigarette, letting its smoke form patterns below the dark blue sky and Cas was simply humming to himself with his eyes closed. Every now and then their legs would hit each other and one of Cas' hands would ruffle through Dean's hair gently. It should have been extremely weird for Dean, being so close to his best friend but something told him that they had seen too much together to get into any awkwardness.
"What are you thinking about?" Dean whispered after some time, not looking at Cas or raising his voice any further. There was a beautiful peace in that moment and he wanted to let it stay.
Cas took a breath and smiled "Us" he replied in the same whisper, without opening his eyes.
Dean turned his head and saw a serene smile on Cas' face. It wasn't clear in the darkness but the flickering light in a distance outlined his sharp contours – he could see the six laugh lines near his eye, the smooth run of forehead that always carried two frown lines, the sharp turn of his nose and the slightly upturned curve of his lips. Dean was trying to record every detail to memory; he wanted to remember this moment every time he missed Cas.
"What about us?" he asked, turning on his side with the cigarette still hanging loose from one hand. Cas opened his eyes, blue orbs holding the reflection of the still night.
"Everything. And nothing. Just how we are where we are." The answer made Dean smile. It was simple yet complicated – just like Cas.
"What do you think about it? Where we are." He questioned again, just to keep the conversation going.
"I think.." Cas thought for a moment before turning his head and looking at Dean "I think I like it. I like us."
Dean felt his breath hitch when he saw the honesty in Cas' eyes. There was nothing new but everything seemed different. He didn't know why he did it but he gently leaned over and kissed the lips in front of him.
It was soft, pure and everything Dean never experienced when he kissed someone. He heard a tiny gasp from Cas but he didn't push back or move away. For a few seconds of quiet happiness they simply lay there, lips touching and breaths moving in sync. The cigarette's end still glowed orange and the distant light still flickered on them. There was no spark or fireworks but Dean had never felt so happy and content.
After what seemed like an hour Dean pushed back and lay back down, his eyes open and focussed on the boy across him. Cas didn't open his eyes but his face looked absolutely content. He finally met Dean's green eyes and reflected such happiness that Dean felt the risk worth it.
"I like us too." Dean whispered into the darkness as Cas turned back to look at the sky, his fingers now lightly touching Dean's.
And just like that their friendship had taken a step higher. Dean had wondered about Balthazar but Cas had simply talked to the other guy and settled the matter. It scared Dean slightly, the calmness with which Cas had broken things off with the senior. He had expected some hesitation or confusion but Cas was sure about it. Then there was the matter of his own sexual preference.
"What do you mean I've kissed you before?" Dean demanded of his new boyfriend, who was sitting across him in his room. Cas twirled the straw of his cola and simply shrugged.
"You kissed me after the Myth and Fic dance" he remarked like he was talking about the weather.
Dean's eyes widened comically and he scoffed "Well, that's just impossible!" he stated "I don't remember ever doing that!"
Cas' eyes had a teasing glint when he smiled "Oh it is possible. You kissed me after the dance when I tried to get your drunk ass back home. And might I just say, you were a bit sloppy."
This time Dean scoffed louder "Like hell I was! I can say with confirmation that I am an excellent kisser. Ask anyone I've kissed before!"
Cas raised an eyebrow accepting the challenge "Now why would I ask your exes when I find out for myself?" he asked casually as he stood up and sauntered towards Dean "I could find out right now."
Dean's eyes were fixed to his lips and he simply nodded. He didn't care if Cas found him sloppy; he simply wanted to kiss him. He saw Cas smirk at his transfixed expression before descending for a kiss.
Dean sighed with relief into the kiss. It had become an addiction of sorts of him. He wondered why he hadn't seen it before, this attraction towards those smiling lips. Cas threaded his fingers along his head, fingers scraping along the nape. The shiver he felt at the touch made Dean pull Cas down closer, his own hands resting on the man's hips.
There weren't many occasions where they could meet with their own colleges and schedules but Dean and Cas always made it a point to visit each other whenever they could. Like this time when Cas had travelled down to Berkeley to spend a day with him. At first Dean was hesitant about being close; he was always wary of what others would say. Cas seemed to understand that though he wasn't all that happy about it. So they stuck to kissing and hugging behind closed doors and in dark corners.
"I told Sam" Cas mumbled between kisses making Dean freeze.
"What?" he asked in a disoriented voice. Cas took a breath before calmly looking into his eyes.
"I told Sam. He called last week and we got talking. One thing led to another and I told him about us." Cas explained, ignorant to the panic building inside Dean.
"Why?!" Dean scrambled up from the chair, pushing Cas back "Why did you tell him? Cas, I told you not to tell anyone! I told you!"
Cas looked concerned at the frantic expression on Dean's face "Dean, it's just Sam. He won't judge us. He's your brother." He tried calming the hyperventilating man before him.
Dean pushed away the hand that tried to hold him "How can you say that? How do you know? He's my baby brother Cas! God! How will I explain this to him now?! Why'd you have to ruin it Cas?! How could you ruin things for me?!" his voice was rising an octave with every word but Dean was beyond reasoning.
Cas stood still for a moment, taking in the words Dean hurled at him. There was no denying that he was hurt. He felt stupid and hurt by what Dean was saying. He almost yelled back and decided to walk away when he stopped and thought. He could see that Dean was scared – truly scared. He tried to rethink the meaning of what Dean was saying. Watching the shaking hands and wide blown eyes, Cas realized that Dean didn't grasp that he had told just Sam and not everybody. The thought of someone knowing about his changed preference had clouded the fact that the person was his brother who was always happy for Dean.
Taking a sudden decision Cas walked to the bedside table and poured a glass of water. He didn't hurry things, allowing Dean to fix his attention on him. Once he had filled the glass, he calmly walked back to Dean and stood with the glass outstretched. Dean still looked petrified but his eyes had become focussed again and he took the glass with shaking hands. Cas let him drink the water in silence, his eyes fixed on Dean's face. When the water was finished, he took the glass back and placed it aside. Holding out a hand, he waited for Dean to take the hint.
Dean saw the hand and hesitated for a minute before placing his own in it. He saw Cas lead them to his bed and gesturing him to sit. When he sat on the mattress, Cas knelt down on the floor before him, his hand still not leaving him.
"Do you remember when Sam came home one day and told us that he had kissed a girl for the first time?" Cas asked in a gentle tone.
Dean frowned but nodded. He remembered the panic and misery Sam had shown. He had been nervous that he had ruined things with the girl with the sudden kiss.
"Do you think he was wrong to tell us about it?" Cas continued, his thumb now drawing soothing circles on Dean's hand.
Dean simply shook his head. He was his brother and he would always be there for Sam. Oh..
Cas saw the minute Dean's panic was replaced with realization. He knew that Dean was calm now only because it was just Sam. He wondered when they would be ready to be who they were without such reservations but didn't focus on that now.
"I won't do anything to hurt you Dean" Cas said, his voice choking with love "Even if I am ever forced to choose between right and wrong, I would gladly choose wrong if it meant you are safe. I can't ever ruin things for you. I can promise that in any way you need, but you need to trust me on this."
Dean searched Cas' eyes for any hint of doubt but found only care, confidence and love. He found himself nodding his head. Taking a deep breath he cracked a small smile.
"I panicked without reason huh?" he commented sheepishly. Cas cocked his head slightly but shook his head.
"No, not without reason" he replied "I should have informed you before telling Sam. I wasn't being responsible."
Dean's smile widened at that and he brought his forehead forward to touch Cas'.
"You know, I think I like you too much" he whispered making Cas chuckle.
"Yeah, I love you too" he replied, staying in the same position.
As Dean watched Cas drive back to Stanford, he felt the lightening pendant beneath his shirt. Touching it lightly he smiled to himself.
"I love you too"