Hey guys! Long time no see! I know it's been a while since I updated, but I had to read (and reread multiple times) Mockingjay (which, by the way, made me bawl my eyes out!).
I'm gunna try to keep this short, but a big hug goes out to everyone who reviewed the last chapter: Kelsey-Short (please put down the pitch fork! I'm afraid of pointy things!), twilight-luver-88, BunnyRabbitHopsWhenExcited-Me (I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU, too :P), moon-called-princess, burning (of course. Seriously, I'll be putting shout-outs to you in every story I ever write!), Brianna Stark (that's cuz I'm, like, the most depressed fan fiction writer who's ever written a DP story… JK! Lol :P), marlene, Lilly87, xxNecro-Grlxx (thank you so much for reviewing! Most people chose to remain in the shadows ;P), xxStarBrightxx, suzi1811 (thank you so much! When I read your reviews, it's like you understand it so well that you're inside my head or something! :P), JessiKa xoxo (thank you for being so honest and for the advice!), ShylyOutgoing, K. Higurashi (glad I could make you laugh! It actually happened to me once, though, so I know from experience that you shouldn't wish that on your worst enemy!), vampiremom1221 (I'll try, but I can't make any promises!), peanutlol, DreamDark (you = pure awesome!), (should I be flattered or afraid of you? I'm still unsure at this point… lol :P), wolfgirl369, Midnight KAT04,julizax13, SongSiren1228 (THE TIME FOR ACTION IS NOW! Lol :P) .substitute and c.a.a (you foxy thang, you! I will be creeping you out and touching your hair very soon!). Thank you guys so much for taking the time to let me know how you feel about and what you thought about the chapter! Also, even though you don't review, I'd like to thank everyone else who reads this story regularly. We have hit almost 1000 subscribers and I get almost 2000 hits per chapter at this point, which means there's a whole lot more of you guys than I ever dreamed there would be. Thank you for supporting this story (and me)! *Gets emotional*
One last thing: let me know if you had problems with the last chapter. I know some people were telling me that the email alert they got wasn't working, and I was getting worried…
Enjoy, guys! Sorry for making you wait!
Disclaimer: Steph has just finished reading Mockingjay, while Christina has yet to do so.
Steph: *Is in shock*
Christina: *Raises eyebrow*
Are you okay?
Steph: *Lifts head from pillow and stares at a blank spot on the wall*
I… I don't know. I think I have to cry, but I'm so… I don't even know what to call this emotion.
Christina: *Worried*
Do you need a distraction? What about if I scare you, like with the hiccups?
*Tries to come up with something*
What if I told you that you don't own DP? Would that help?
Steph: *Shakes head slowly*
Christina: *Still worried*
What if I took you to Starbuck's and Chapters? Would you feel better then?
Steph: *Shakes head*
Christina: How bout we go for a walk and spend all day in the make-up section at Rexall? I know how much you love doing that! Or how about we go to Costco?
*Baby talk-voice*
You wanna go to Costco, girl? Do ya? Do ya?
Steph: *Shakes head*
Christina: *Really worried*
What do you want, then?
Steph: *Puppy dog eyes*
A hug would be nice…
Always
"There's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me; always."
-Gretchen Kemp
I stood at the edge of the beach, watching the tide come in. I watched the water slide over the sand, disturbing and altering everything in its path, leaving behind nothing but a few subtle traces and the destruction it caused. I watched as the sand moved out of its way – watched as the force of the water pushed and pulled the sand in a hundred different directions. I watched and I watched and I watched, not daring to get any closer.
I shouldn't be here right now. We're supposed to be safe, and the demon is gone. I shouldn't be back here again.
I walked along the edge of the water, staying close but also making sure that no part of my body touched the water in any way. I was weary of my return to this place – what could be waiting for me on the other side of those waves? What would happen once I succumbed to the call of the water and let myself return? Nothing good, I was sure, but it had to be important - why would I be here again if not for some vital reason? I debated with myself for a few minutes, trying to figure out whether it was worth it to go back. The demon could be here to give me some advice, I rationalized. She could be here to warn us about the Edison Group's plans…
Finally, after what felt like hours, I decided that checking it out was worth the risk.
I took a deep breath - filling my lungs with as much air as I possibly could – and walked forward, diving under when the water was up to my waist. The minute my whole body was submerged, I closed my eyes and began to count.
I opened them after less than five seconds and found myself not in the city-square, but standing in the middle of my backyard at home –well, Andrew and Lauren's home - the trees behind me swaying noisily as the wind flitted through their branches.
What the heck?
I looked around, not daring to move a muscle in case my movements triggered something. It was dark, but I could see everything perfectly – as if my eyes had built-in headlights. I couldn't see anything from where I was standing, but I could hear voices – the sounds of people chit-chatting, laughing, and having a good time…
I wondered where the voices were coming from and decided to look around, not bothering to keep still anymore. I can always wake myself up if something happens, right?
I searched the entire property, but there were no signs of life coming from the house or anywhere nearby. I finally gave up after trying the doors, finding to my surprise that they were all locked and that my key didn't work anymore. I returned to the backyard and slumped against a tree, wondering what the point of the dream was – could there have been something I was missing? Something I was supposed to do? If there was, I wasn't having any luck figuring it out. For lack of something better to do, I studied my surroundings: it didn't take long, considering I'd spent the better part of six years here, either sitting against a tree and chatting with Simon or laying down on the cool ground and telling Derek something about how school was that day, or how much I resented the fact that I couldn't sleep through the night anymore.
I sat there for an eternity, reminiscing about the things I'd said and the things I'd wished I'd said. This was our spot, I reminded myself, swiping at the tears on my cheeks before giving up and letting them trail down the sides of my face; it was my dream after all – who would see me crying? Who would care?
And then – because I was already crying and I was in our spot and I was so, so tired of being strong and there was this huge, gaping hole in my chest where my heart used to be – I whispered his name into the darkness. "D-Derek," I whispered, using the back of my hand to dry my cheeks. "P-Please come b-back. I miss you, s-so much. Please, come b-back…"
I hated myself for being so weak, but I had to do it – had to make sure he was really gone. If he answered my summons… well, I'd already accepted the fact that he was dead, hadn't I? I really had nothing to lose at that point.
I sat there in the dark, waiting.
It didn't take very long.
I heard the rustling of leaves first – as if the entire forest was announcing his arrival. I strained my ears for the sound of his footsteps - waited for the tell-tale sound of a twig snapping underfoot – but the entire forest was silent after the trees calmed down, and I had to remind myself that I'd never been able to hear him approach even when he'd been alive. I held my breath, counting the seconds: one, two, three, four…
I blinked and he was there, standing in front of me with his arms crossed, his signature scowl twisting his features into a familiar grimace.
For a second, I forgot everything - I forgot that we were inside a dream, and that his reappearance meant he was gone forever. I forgot that he'd been dead for weeks now and that I'd been mourning him since the moment I saw him fall in front of my eyes. I forgot that I was a necromancer, and the fact that I could see him meant nothing except that he was there in some form. I forgot it all in that first instant; forgot how to breathe, too. All that mattered to me was that he was there, and that I could hug him and feel his arms around me again…
I jumped to my feet, ready to throw my arms around his neck, eager to hear his laugh again. I knew if I could just hear him laugh again, everything would be all right and I could forget—
And then it all came flooding back, the force of it hitting me so hard that I really couldn't breathe for a moment. He's here, I thought. Which means he really is… he's really—
I felt for the tree behind me, using the cool bark underneath my palm to guard me back down to the forest floor. He's dead. He really is dead. It was like I was losing him all over again.
My head began to spin, and I could feel the dream slipping away, retreating back into my subconscious… I held on, not wanting it to be over so soon. "D-Derek?" I asked, already knowing it was him, but still asking to be sure.
"What do you want, necromancer?" he barked, his voice and his eyes as cold as ice. "Why have you summoned me?"
I opened my mouth to respond, then closed it. What am I supposed to say? 'Just making sure you're dead, sorry about that!'?
"Derek, it's m-me… it's Chloe! Don't you r-remember me?" I asked, wondering how long it took for someone to get used to being dead. There were still tears making their way down the length of my face, but now my grief was mingled with something else now: confusion.
"Oh, I remember, alright," he spat, his arms unfolding as his eyes turned to steel. Something about his glare shocked me, and I backed up against the tree – which was foolish, considering we were inside my dream and he was a ghost – and tried to stand. I got to my feet shakily as he glowered at me, rooted in place.
"W-what's wr-wrong with y-you?" I asked, my voice low, knowing I couldn't handle much more than that… I really should have been asking myself that question, because my body was responding to what I was seeing in a very bizarre way: I could feel my heart beating fast against my ribcage, and the hair on the back of my neck was sticking straight up. I'd felt this way before, but it didn't make sense now – how could I be so terrified, when it was Derek who stood before me? I could feel that familiar nausea spreading, creeping up the length of my abdomen; I could feel my hands shaking and my throat closing up and none of it made sense! I knew I should be feeling grief, sadness, and despair… but fear? Fear was NOT an emotion I was supposed to associate with Derek of all people!
THIS IS DEREK! I shouted inwardly. D-E-R-E-K. Why am I so afraid? Why do I feel this way?
"What's wrong with me? I should be asking you that question! Why did you summon me? Why did you disturb my afterlife?" he demanded, the anger in his tone making it hard to look up at him. His voice held no familiarity whatsoever – he'd never spoken to me in this tone – like I was someone he knew he hated before we even met.
"I… I just w-wanted t-to m-make s-sure," I choked out, close to hyperventilating. My eyes were filled with tears – my vision blurry because of the amount, and it was like my tear-ducts were in overdrive.
"'Make sure'? Of what, exactly? That you could bend the rules of necromancy and contact me? Or that you could go even further and raise my corpse?" He smiled, but it was all wrong to me... It reminded me of the smiles I gave to Davidoff – the tilt of his lips suggested a deep hatred hiding just beneath the surface – and I cringed, waiting for him to explode like he usually did when something pissed him off enough. Instead of a smile, though, I got an insult: "I always knew you were a monster, Chloe Saunders."
It was like someone had decided to pull the ground out from underneath my feet. I felt like I was falling, falling, falling; I never hit the ground, but whatever was left of my heart shattered all the same. I knew he was right, of course – no matter how many times he'd tried to convince me otherwise, I knew what I was – but that wasn't why it hurt so badly. It was the fact that he'd agreed with me – that the one person who knew me better than anyone else; the one person who I knew loved me unconditionally – could confirm what I knew in my heart to be true without so much as 'no offense'.
Though my words were slurred by my tears, I tried my best to convince him that I meant him no harm. "D-Derek, I only s-summoned you so I c-could… so I c-could see-"
"Isn't it enough for you, Chloe," he sneered my name like it was curse word he preferred not to use too often, "knowing that you are the reason I was killed? Did you have to summon me – to use me to do your bidding? Did it not occur to you that, had you summoned too powerfully, I would be trapped in my rotting corpse dozens of miles away?"
There was so much anger and malice in his voice – so much hate plainly written across his face and reflected in his eyes that I couldn't find my tongue to respond. Instead, I stood there in the forest - tears flooding my eyes as my whole body shook with my quiet sobs. He was right, again… and I knew it. Knew that – without a trace of doubt clouding my mind – I was the reason he was dead. And what was worse: he knew it as well. He'd also reminded me of how foolish I'd been in summoning him: hadn't I made a promise to myself to leave Derek alone?
And what if – like he'd suggested – I'd accidentally sent him back to his body?
Could that have been the reason he was haunting me?
No, he wouldn't be here right now if he was stuck there…
"Now," he continued as if we were talking about the weather, "you can either release me or force me to do your bidding, necromancer. Take your pick."
I tried to compose myself enough to answer him, but I couldn't even form a complete sentence. "R-Release-" My lips struggled to form even that simple word, so I gave up on verbal communication. I closed my eyes and clenched my fists, concentrating like I'd never done before. I focused all of my energy – all of my power; my thoughts, even – on Derek, envisioning the moment when I would send him back to the spirit world and away from me. Something felt off, though – every time I envisioned sending him back, my vision ended and my mind went blank; it was as if my subconscious mind wanted him there and was sabotaging my efforts…
It didn't last for very long. Eventually I was able to correctly envision his release, and after a few tries I opened my eyes and saw that he'd vanished.
When I was sure he was really gone, I closed my eyes in preparation for my own release from the dream-world. I imagined myself floating back up to the beach and resurfacing, pulling in that first lungful of air that always tasted sweeter than anything I'd ever tasted. I imagined myself kicking and propelling myself through the water and back to shore, and when I opened my eyes, I was already there again, watching the water slosh forward onto the sand.
That was when I collapsed.
I felt like I was being ripped apart from the inside: my heart was still there, beating franticly even though I knew it was already in a million pieces – broken beyond repair. My lungs felt like they were either going to collapse or explode judging by the way I was never able to get enough air, and both my stomach and my head were a mess. I felt nauseous again and the world was spinning around me, making it very difficult to find something to hold on to. In all the weeks I'd spent in the compound, crying my eyes out every day, I'd never cried like this – never fallen apart or come undone this completely before. I knew it was because of his presence, his cold demeanor and his even colder words, but it didn't matter – I was too far gone to talk myself down like I'd done before, too broken to even attempt to re-assemble myself again.
Somewhere between my hysterical sobbing and my rocking back and forth, I must've woken up; I could hear Tori's voice in my ear, trying to calm me down as I sobbed and rocked.
"Oh Chloe… Chloe, you need to calm down, hun. You need to breathe." She rubbed my back in small circular patterns, her voice much gentler than I'd ever heard it. "It's alright, Chloe. We're safe now! We're safe!"
I shook my head, trying to tell her she'd misunderstood – I hadn't been dreaming about our escape at all - and simultaneously wondered whether I would ever have such logical, sensible dreams... I didn't think it was possible.
"D-Derek," I choked out his name while I was still able to form coherent phrases, hoping she'd understand. "I saw h-him- dr-dream- m-my f-fault!"
She continued to whisper comforting words and rub my back, as if what I'd said meant nothing. "Shhh, Chloe, it was only a dream! Don't believe it for a second, okay? Whatever he said—that wasn't Derek, Chloe! It was just a nightmare! Just a nightmare!"
I shook my head violently and pulled back from her. "No! It was r-really h-him!" I stammered through my tears. How could I explain that it wasn't a dream? How was I supposed to describe the place where the demi-demon took me – the place where only the spirits of the dead could reach me? She wouldn't understand – she'd think I was crazy and want nothing to do with me anymore…
She pulled me into a hug, and I buried my face in her shirt, soaking her sweater completely after less than ten minutes. By then Simon was awake as well, and Tori handed me over to him so she could remove her sweater.
He brushed my hair back from my face and let me lay my forehead on his shoulder as he tried to come up with something to say - he never said anything; what was there to say, after all? I knew what he was going to say anyway – what was the point of wasting his breath? We both knew it wasn't going to be alright – it would never be, ever again – and all the crying in the world wasn't going to bring him back to life. Nothing we did or said would make a difference. Nothing; because he was gone.
Gone forever.
Hours later, Simon was still holding me tightly to him, his arms around me as I cried silently. I was sure he was crying as well, but I couldn't be sure – because of our position and my lack of height, I couldn't see his face. We were sharing so much more than a hug then – we were sharing our grief, and our loss, and the burden of it all. And because I knew he felt the same way I did, I didn't allow myself to break down as badly as I had before – Simon's grief had given me the strength I need to pull myself together.
Eventually Tori's voice broke through the silence. "I hardly knew Derek, but the things I knew… I think they made him who he was, so I'd like to believe I knew him pretty well," she began, her voice barely above a whisper. Neither Simon nor I said anything to confirm or deny what she was saying, because neither of us had any idea what she was talking about.
"We fought the whole way out during our first escape, but you guys remember that, right?" She laughed lightly to brighten the mood, but her heart wasn't in it and it died out quickly. She continued as if nothing had happened. "Well, Fido and I had a lot of time to kill on our way to the city, so we talked…" She took a deep breath, preparing to plunge into another sentence. "We talked about you, mostly," she said, and I knew she meant me. "I asked him things, like how he felt about you and why he kept all those secrets…
"He told me a lot, Chloe," she said, eyes distant as she remembered their conversation that day. "He told me he loved you so much that it scared him," she whispered, eyes fixed on a point in the distance. "And, he told me about everything he did for you – everything he did to protect you… Did you know he was getting rid of the animals you raised while you slept?" she asked.
By now Simon and I had separated, and I was able to answer Tori with a simple nod.
"All the stuff he did for you, Chloe… all the stuff he did to protect you; I'm pretty sure that doesn't all get forgotten once you die – your memories make you who you are, after all!"
I looked at her quizzically – I was so tired, and she wasn't making sense…
She grabbed my hands suddenly, holding them around the wrists. "Listen to me," she said fiercely. "He loved you and Simon more than anything – more than anything else in the world! That thing you saw in your dream was NOT HIM, alright? I know it wasn't, and believing otherwise would be disrespectful to his memory, in my opinion!" She had tears in her own eyes now, which triggered another fresh wave in mine.
I nodded, transfixed by her words. I'd never heard Tori speak so passionately about anything, and I was sure her doing so meant she truly believed in what she was saying. I knew she was right – how could I have ever believed that my Derek would be acting the way he had in my dream? The Derek I knew was selfless and always willing to risk his life to protect his loved ones, not bitter and selfish... My Derek made me feel safe the moment I felt his presence – not frightened and terrified like the dream-Derek had made me feel.
And in that moment, I knew I had to stop. I had to stop torturing myself – had to stop ruining my memories of Derek with nightmares like the ones I'd been experiencing lately. I had to let go of all the negative thoughts and feelings and allow myself to remember him without all the guilt and the heartbreak that accompanied his memories lately.
I had to forgive myself.
I knew it wasn't going to be easy – hell, it would probably be the hardest thing I'd ever have to do – but I knew I had to do it. I had to forgive myself for my parents' deaths, for the trouble I'd caused Lauren and Andrew over the years, and for Derek's death. I had to start letting go of all the guilt and the self-hatred I'd been harboring for so long, or the only place I'd end up would be back in my cell in the compound, once again pressing a jagged shard of glass into the soft skin at my wrist.
I glanced at Simon and Tori, both huddled together over the fire, talking. I knew I had to start being strong for them, because they wouldn't be able to support me forever - I would have to start carrying my burdens alone soon. I had to be strong and selfless and brave – just as Derek had been. I had to stop acting like a Justin Beiber fan girl and start acting like a leader – the leader our little misfit group so desperately needed now that Derek was gone.
I stood up and brushed off my jeans. Once they were clean, I told Simon and Tori that I was going to 'take care of business'. They both nodded, and I left, knowing they wouldn't follow me.
I found the spot after a few minutes of walking: the little clearing where Derek and I had talked the night after our first escape. This was the place where I'd told him I loved him, and the place where he spent his last night alive. I found the tree where I'd spent the night, then found the one he'd been leaning against as he guarded our make-shift camp.
I studied the tree. It was tall – the branches seemed like they would never end, like they'd keep growing until they were tall enough to touch the sun – and obviously a few hundred years old, judging by the thickness of the trunk. There was nothing outwardly remarkable about the tree – it looked like every other tree in the clearing, every other tree in the forest – but I could feel him here, feel his presence lingering in the spot. I ran my hand over the bark and looked down, wondering if Derek had left anything behind.
Something caught my eye, and I crouched down to study it, not believing what I was seeing.
There, etched into the cold ground, were a few words written in a familiar, neat handwriting:
I love you. More than you'll ever know.
My hands were shaking as I brushed the words with the pads of my fingers, and I had to squeeze my eyes shut to force back the tears. How long had these been here, waiting for me to read them? How long had they been here, perfectly preserved in the spot I never thought I'd be returning to? I traced the first sentence with my index finger, letting it follow the path he'd carved into the dirt.
I stayed there for a while, hardly moving as I reflected on the conversation we'd had that night. I could remember every detail – picture clearly in my mind every second we'd spent talking, hear every word we'd said to each other.
When did he have time to write this? I wondered. Was it after we talked, or before? I was pretty sure he'd written it after my little confession, but that didn't make sense… why hadn't I seen it as we were leaving? I pondered that while I searched for rocks and everything else I needed.
Once I found a sharp enough rock, I set to work, carving a shape into the tree.
When I was finished, I stood back to admire my work: the cross couldn't have been more than a few inches either way, and the contrast of the pale wood underneath the bark made it stand out even in the semi-darkness of dawn. It was almost done.
I crouched down again, using the rock to write my message directly beneath his. A single tear escaped as I was working, but I brushed it off and kept going. Once my message was written, I got up, brushed off my pants, and returned to Simon and Tori. I felt a lot better, knowing that anyone who stumbled across this tree would see the cross, his words, and then mine:
I've always known.
A/N: Well, there it is!
Thank you guys for all your support! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please let me know what you thought about the 'dream' and Tori's story (her POV from the walk. You'll be getting Derek's soon!); constructive criticism is greatly appreciated! :P
Anyways, good luck to anyone who has started or is starting school in the next week! I'll be cranking out as much updates as I can before I have to go back on September 7th! :'(
Please guys, REVIEW!