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Episode Five

The Weight-Loss Acceleration

Updated 12/19/2014

-=o=-

Dedicated with respect and affection to Carol Ann Susi

-=o=-

"Have you been thinking what we should do for Thanksgiving this year?" Bernadette asked Penny and Amy as they sat sipping wine in Penny's living room.

Penny shrugged. "I suppose we could do what we did last year—get everyone together and have a big argument."

"That's not quite how it happened," Bernadette disagreed. "You got into an argument with Leonard because you were married to Zack and didn't even know it. We were just interested bystanders."

"That was quite interesting," Amy agreed. "Given that you and he were both unaware that you were married, even though you went to a wedding chapel in Las Vegas and presumably signed a marriage certificate." She looked a little forlorn. "If only there was a way to get Sheldon into a wedding chapel in Vegas."

Bernadette looked at her. "You wouldn't really try to trick him like that, would you?"

Amy thought about it for a bit. "Probably not," she admitted. "Though it is not that difficult to get Sheldon drunk." She went silent, looking rather thoughtful.

"I was thinking about having a get-together at Howard's mother's house, but he's still upset because Stuart's staying there even though his mom has recovered from her accident with the treadmill," Bernadette went on.

"Oh yeah," Penny said. "Whatever happened with that treadmill?"

"Howard set it up for when she got better, but she refuses to go near it now," Bernadette said. "I think Stuart uses it, though—he says he's got to exercise more to keep his weight down, now that he's eating her home cooking."

"Well, I for one would enjoy another Thanksgiving dinner at Mrs. Wolowitz's house," Amy said. "My mother's Thanksgiving dinners are more often than not inquisitions about my marital status."

"Can't you tell her you have a boyfriend now?" Bernadette asked.

"I have," Amy replied. "But she believes that Sheldon is either (a), imaginary, like Armand the miniature horse breeder; or (b) far away and unavailable, like Faisal, who funded some of my research a few years ago; or (c) like Gerald…"

"Who's Gerald?" Penny asked, taking another sip of wine.

"My Sonicare electric toothbrush," Amy explained. Both Penny and Bernadette's faces reddened. "I thought I had mentioned him before today."

"You had," Penny nodded. "I'm just more of an Oral-B girl myself."

"So, what do you think?" Bernadette persisted. "Do we want to have Thanksgiving at Howard's mom's again this year?"

"Why not?" Penny said, raising her glass of wine. "Let's do it!"

"That's acceptable," Amy agreed.

"Great," Bernadette smiled. "We need to figure out what everyone should bring."

"My mother has a stuffing recipe that's absolutely wonderful," Amy said. "I'll see if I can talk her into making some extra for me to bring along."

"I'll talk to Howard about making the turkey, potatoes and gravy," Bernadette said.

"I'll bring the wine," Penny said, raising her glass again.

"I'm sure his mom will appreciate it," Bernadette said. "She's feeling a bit down this year since her accident. Her doctor wants her to lose weight but she hasn't been able to get very much exercise. Or any, really."

"That's too bad," Penny said. "How much does she have to lose?"

"Well…" Bernadette looked reluctant to say. "Howard jokes that she has to lose about one-and-a-half 'me's' to get back to her goal weight."

"Wow," Amy said, looking surprised. "That much?"

Bernadette frowned. "It's not that much," she huffed. "Or are you saying that I weigh too much?!"

"No, not at all," Amy said, shrinking back a little from Bernadette.

"That's better," Bernadette snarled.

Penny and Amy both sipped at their wine, avoiding Bernadette's gaze. "Yeah, this should be a wonderful Thanksgiving," Penny muttered under her breath.

Penny's cell phone rang and she answered it. "Hello? Oh hi, Raj. What's up? Really? Okay, sounds good." She hung up.

"What did Raj want?" Bernadette asked.

"He volunteered to cook Thanksgiving dinner this year," Penny said, smiling. "So, problem solved."

"Great," Bernadette said. Then her eyes narrowed suspiciously. "He didn't say anything about a theme, did he?"

"Well, no," Penny said. She hadn't thought of that. "But it's only a week before Thanksgiving—he doesn't have time to plan a theme, does he?"

"Maybe not," Bernadette muttered. "But if we get there and there's a theme, it's on your head."

"Your beautiful, gold-tressed head," Amy added, smiling. Bernadette and Penny both stared at her. "What, am I wrong?" Amy asked.

-=o=-

Sheldon Cooper entered his apartment, finding his roommate Leonard Hofstadter still staring pensively at his computer, as he had been when Sheldon left nearly an hour earlier. "Hello," he said. "Still working?"

"Yeah," Leonard muttered, not glancing away from the monitor. "How did it go at the new comic book store?" Since Stuart's comic-book stored burned down, they had been forced to go to Capital Comics, a rival store that carried even more comics and collectibles than Stuart's store did.

"I don't think I can get used to that place," Sheldon complained, setting his bag of comics on his desk. "It's always filled with people. People, people, people! It's like a comic-book convention every day there! Stuart's store was always nice and quiet—people weren't constantly eating, or talking, or sitting around reading comics. Although," he added, "the daily costume competitions at the new place are fairly lively. Today there was a tie between Captain America and Wonder Woman, though the guy in the Hulk suit certainly gave them a run for their money." Sheldon struck a body-builder pose. "Hulk only won third place. Hulk sad."

"Uh-huh," Leonard said, barely listening, still staring at his computer display.

"What are you doing?" Sheldon asked, walking over to Leonard's desk.

Leonard sighed. "I've been going over the primordial gravity wave measurement data made by the Bicep2 team."

"And?"

Leonard sat back. "There's no way around it. Their conclusions were incorrect. They were reading dust emissions thinking they were B-mode polarization of the cosmic microwave background."

"I see," Sheldon said. "Perhaps, then, now is the time for me to make an important statement regarding these findings."

Leonard looked up at him, frowning. "And that is?"

"I told you so."

Leonard groaned. "Thanks, Sheldon," he said, exasperated. "Things are bad enough already. Since I had that unfortunate incident with Leslie Winkle a few weeks ago—"

"You mean that incident where you professed your undying love for her, forsaking your fiancée Penny for a woman whose total contribution to science includes three papers filled with untestable predictions of loop quantum gravity, and a charge of sexual harassment against you?"

Leonard was silent for several seconds. "Yes," he said at last. "That incident. Since then I've been on sort of 'double-secret probation' with Dr. Gablehauser. He thinks I deliberately drove Leslie away by pretending to fall in love with her."

Sheldon gave him a funny look. "I thought that's what you were doing!"

"Well, it wasn't," Leonard insisted.

"Then what were you doing?" Sheldon asked.

"I don't know." Leonard couldn't very well say a witch slipped him a love potion. "It's—it's hard to explain."

"Are you saying you went into some type of fugue state wherein you believed that you and Leslie Winkle were engaged to be married, and then you somehow came out of it when you were confronted by Penny?" Sheldon asked.

"That must be it," Leonard agreed. Sheldon would accept just about any premise if he believed he was the one who thought of it.

"Nailed it," Sheldon murmured, smiling triumphantly.

"Gablehauser was also expecting me to confirm the Bicep2 team's conclusions," Leonard added. "Now, however, between my findings and the analysis from the Planck collaboration team, we've managed to shut down any hope of having a gravitation wave lab here. And he's going to blame me for it, and for losing Leslie."

"That hardly seems to be your fault," Sheldon said. "You could not have foreseen the initial team's mistakes."

Leonard managed a smile. "Thanks, Sheldon, for saying that."

"Of course," Sheldon nodded. "I like to give you compliments whenever I can. As I always say, even a broken clock is right once in a while."

"Right." Leonard was no longer smiling. "You can stop complimenting me now. It's starting to get on my nerves."

Sheldon looked indignant. "Oh, well then! Try to prop someone up and they turn on you like a dog on a merry-go-round. That's a fine how-do-you-do!"

Leonard shook his head, exasperated and a bit confounded by Sheldon's strange comparisons. At that moment his phone rang. He pulled it out and answered. "Hi, Howard. What's up? Oh, no! Again? Yeah, we'll be right there. See you soon." He hung up, looking at Sheldon. "Howard's mother had to go to the hospital, her gout is acting up again. It's really bad this time. I'm going to get Penny and we're going over to see how she's doing."

Leonard walked to the door then turned back to Sheldon, who hadn't moved. "Are you coming?"

"I—" Sheldon looked around as if thinking of bolting back into his room. "I was thinking I could stay here, in case Dr. Gablehauser calls asking you to turn in your resignation." Sheldon gave Leonard a sidelong glance. "You wouldn't want to miss that, would you?"

"He's not going to ask me to quit," Leonard snapped, exasperated with Sheldon's germ and hospital phobias. Between the gravity data and Sheldon, it had been one long exasperating morning. "Sheldon, just come with us. I'll tell you what," he suggested. "If you come we'll stop and I'll get you a Jamba Juice."

Sheldon regarded him warily. "Can I get a Strawberries Wild smoothie?"

"Anything you want," Leonard agreed.

Sheldon weighed his options—Jamba Juice against hospital germs. "Shotgun," he said, heading for the door.

-=o=-

At the hospital, Bernadette and Howard were in the waiting area when Leonard, Penny and Sheldon walked in. "How is she?" Penny asked as soon as she saw them.

"Better," Howard said. "They gave her some medication for the pain, and they're going to keep her overnight for observation. But her weight is still a concern—the doctor told me she's going to have get serious about losing weight. He even mentioned gastric bypass surgery or a lap band as an option."

"What's that?" Penny asked.

"It's where they go in and staple off part of your stomach, so you can't eat as much," Howard said. "I'm not sure it would help Ma though—she stores enough food in her cheeks to last a month," he added, jokingly.

"I'm sure we'll figure out something, Howie," Bernadette said, rubbing his arm soothingly.

"Can we go in and see her?" Penny asked.

"Sure," Howard nodded. "Bernadette and I were going to the cafeteria to get something to eat. We were in the middle of fixing dinner when Stuart called to say Ma was going to the hospital. You know," he told them. "I'm still not happy about Stuart still living with Ma, but in this case it was good he was there. He called EMS and made her come here to get looked at."

"Where's Stuart now?" Leonard asked.

"In the room, with 'Deb-Deb,'" Howard said, in a petulant tone.

"Howard," Bernadette warned him. "You said you weren't going to get upset."

"Right, right." Howard held up his hands in surrender. "Let's go get something to eat." He and Bernadette left.

Leonard and Penny walked into the corridor leading to Mrs. Wolowitz's room. "Coming, Sheldon?"

Sheldon was looking around the waiting area like a bubble boy whose protective environment had just sprung a leak. "I'm good here, I think," he said, holding his hands as if he was afraid of touching anything, or anything touching him. "If anyone needs me I'll be over at the hand disinfectant station. Although I don't know why, they let just anyone use those things."

"We'll be back soon," Leonard said, and he and Penny walked down to room 2140, which Howard had texted him earlier. They walked in to see Stuart standing over Mrs. Wolowitz's bed, watching her.

"Oh, hi," Stuart said, his voice quiet. He put a finger to his lips. "She just dropped off," he said. "Sorry."

"It's okay," Penny said quietly. "Is she doing all right?"

"Better than I am," Stuart said. "I'm a wreck after all this! In a way this feels like my fault."

"Why would you say that?" Leonard asked, sounding doubtful.

"I'm afraid I've been enabling all of her eating lately," Stuart said. "She makes such fantastic meals, and it's hard to say no to her when she wants to make my favorite foods." He looked at Mrs. Wolowitz with affection. "She and I really get along."

"That's nice," Leonard said, smiling.

"Yeah, unless you're Howard," Stuart added. "He still thinks I ought to move out. And pay Debbie back the money she gave me to rebuild the shop."

Leonard and Penny glanced at one another, neither wanting to weigh in on that issue. "I'm sure things will work out, Stuart," Leonard said at last.

"I hope so," Stuart nodded. His phone rang at that moment and he took it out and looked at it. "Huh," he said. "Jeanie's calling me," he said. He glanced at Mrs. Wolowitz, then at Leonard and Penny. "I better take this outside," he said, walking quickly out of the room.

That left Leonard and Penny alone with Mrs. Wolowitz. "Wow. Surgery," Penny said. "That seems pretty drastic."

"It's usually a final option for losing weight," Leonard said. "It can be pretty hard on your body—you can never eat a normal meal after bypass surgery."

"Ugh," Penny said, shocked. "That's sounds awful. I wish there was some way she could avoid that." Then she gave Leonard a sly look. "Well, there is something I might be able to do."

"Like what?" Leonard asked, then realized what she meant. "Uh—oh, I don't know," he said doubtfully. "Do you think that's a good idea?"

"She's got to lose weight, Leonard," Penny pointed out. "There might be a way I could help with that."

Leonard looked at Mrs. Wolowitz. She was a big woman, it was true. "What—what do you think you could do for her, exactly?"

"I'm not sure," Penny said, thoughtfully. "I don't know any spells that would help her lose weight, offhand… I could just turn off her appetite. But that would probably look weird."

"True," Leonard agreed. Mrs. Wolowitz was well-known for her voracious appetite. "Maybe you should just—you know, leave it alone."

"Leonard," Penny said, exasperation creeping into her voice. "One of the reasons I decided to become a witch was to help people. It's true I haven't done much of that," she went on, before Leonard could point it out. "But the fact remains that I do want to help." She suddenly held out her hand. "Come on."

Leonard took her hand. "Where are we going?"

"I know a little old shopkeeper who might be able to help us," she said. They disappeared.

A moment later the door opened and Stuart walked back in. "How's she doing—?" He paused, looking around for Penny and Leonard. "Guys?" he said tentatively. He stared at Mrs. Wolowitz for a long moment, wondering—

He snorted. "No, that's ridiculous. She couldn't have eaten them in her sleep, what am I thinking? I'm getting as bad as Howard."

-=o=-

Penny and Leonard appeared on an old cobblestone lane next to a shabby store front of gray stone and an old wooden door with peeling paint. "Here we are," Penny said, pointing to the shop.

Next to the door was a wooden sign saying "Postlethwait's Potent Potions." "A potions shop?" Leonard said, disbelievingly.

"This is where Emily got the love potion," Penny said. "I had to come here and get the antidote. The shopkeeper is an old guy, but he's a little bit—frisky, I suppose is a good enough word."

"I see," Leonard said. Penny had given him the antidote without any explanation of where it had come from. Maybe now he'd see why. "Should we go in?" he asked her. She nodded, and Leonard opened the door for her.

The inside of the shop smelled—funny. Leonard could see why: there were shelves and shelves of bottles filled with bubbling liquids and other items best left unsaid. There were batwings hanging from the walls, and in one corner a large cauldron was bubbling ominously. How a cauldron could bubble ominously was not entirely clear to Leonard, but that's how it struck him.

"Well, well, back so soon, cutie?" Postlethwaite the Apothecary said as he came out of the back room, seeing Penny. He spied Leonard and his expression turned sour. "Who's this?" he asked.

"This is my fiancé, Leonard," Penny said. Leonard nodded at the old warlock, who ignored him. "I came in ask a question about a weight-loss potion."

The Apothecary gave Penny a good looking over. "I don't think you need to lose any weight at all, cutie. Looks to me like you've got everything you need in just the right places."

"She's asking for someone else," Leonard interjected.

"It's for a friend," Penny amplified. "Who needs to lose a lot of weight."

"Oh?" the old warlock rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "How much?"

"A lot," Penny said.

"Been overindulging some, eh? That can happen." The Apothecary went over to a shelf and looked over several bottles of greenish liquids. "Think I've got something here that'll do the trick." He took one off the shelf.

"This'll do the trick," he said to them. "Have them take it with their next meal." He held up the bottle but didn't offer it to Penny, who was dreading what was coming next. "Now, there's the matter of my fee…"

Penny sighed. "What do you want?"

"What I want—" Postlethwaite glanced at Leonard. "—is not important. What I'll accept is a kiss."

"Whaaaat?" Leonard said. "You can't be serious!"

"Oh, I'm serious."

"Oh, he's serious." Both Penny and the Apothecary spoke at the same time. "Okay," she nodded. "Close your eyes and pucker up."

"Whaaaat?" Leonard said again.

"Okay!" the old warlock closed his eyes and leaned forward, pursing his lips expectantly. Penny leaned forward as well, but at the last moment she moved her lips up and kissed the him on the bridge of his nose.

The Apothecary opened his eyes. "Not quite the place I had in mind," he said, plaintively. "But a deal's a deal." He handed over the bottle.

"Thanks," Penny said briskly. "Let's go, Leonard." The two of them moved quickly out the door.

"Hurry back anytime," the Apothecary called out. "Next month we got a Yuletide special—two potions for the price of one!"

Outside the shop, Penny was about to snap her fingers to return to the hospital when Leonard asked, "What is this place, exactly?"

"Uh," Penny hesitated. "I don't know, really. Cousin Serena said it was the place where witches and warlocks lived. She called it the Eternal Realm—something like that."

"Huh," Leonard said. "So I suppose we could see Thor walking down the street any minute now," he added, grinning.

"Whaaaat?" Penny said, in a tone mocking his earlier use of the word.

Leonard gave her a slightly condescending look. "The Eternal Realm is what Asgard is called. That's the world Thor lives on. You remember when we went to see that movie?"

"The only other person I've seen here is that guy," Penny said, jerking a thumb at the shop behind them. "And I'm pretty sure he's no Norse god."

"It's really hard to see much of anything here," Leonard said, looking around. "It's so…foggy here. And the air tastes—well, kind of weird. Like I'm breathing through my asthma inhaler."

"Doesn't feel any different to me," Penny said, shrugging. "Are you ready to go?"

"Hold on a second," Leonard said, his curiosity aroused. "If this place is where witches and warlocks live, then where is everybody? All I can see is this street—" he pointed at the cobblestone lane they were standing on "—and the store we just came out of. But I don't see anything else. What would we find if we walked down this road for a while?"

"Leonard, I don't know," Penny said, beginning to regret bringing him with her. "This shop is the only place I've been, and I haven't really wanted to be here much, either! You saw what that old guy was like!"

"Yeah, I saw." Leonard folded his arms. "You didn't protest too much when he wanted that kiss."

"But I didn't give him what he really wanted, did I?" Penny pointed out.

"No. But then I wasn't here last time, was I?"

"Oh my God," Penny snapped. "Nothing happened last time, either! I gave him a kiss on the cheek—that was all!"

Leonard held up his hands in mock surrender. "If you say so."

"I say so! Now let's get out of here!" She made a whipping motion with one hand and they vanished, reappearing a moment later in Mrs. Wolowitz's hospital room. Bernadette and Howard were standing next to the bed.

"Uh—" Leonard froze for a moment, wondering how he and Penny were going to explain their sudden appearance. "Hi, guys, uh, we were—"

"Relax, genius," Penny told him. "They can't see or hear us."

"You can do that?" Leonard asked, surprised.

"Yeah. Makes it easier appearing in places where mortals are."

Penny pointed to a tray with a cup of jello and a glass of water sitting on a hospital stand near the foot of the bed. "They must've brought her something to eat," she said to Leonard. "I can put the potion in that."

"Do you think you can get it in there without them noticing?" Leonard asked.

"Piece of cake," Penny said. "Which, I'm sure the old gal would eat even faster than jello, if they let her have any." She moved to the foot of the bed.

Howard and Bernadette were looking at his mother, watching to see if she was waking up. Taking the opportunity, Penny pointed at the jello cup and made an opening motion. The top of the cup peeled open and she uncorked the potion bottle and poured it in, then made a stirring motion to mix it in. She finished with a sealing motion that closed the cup top again.

"Ma?" Howard was saying. "The nurse brought you some food to eat, if you're hungry." He looked at Bernadette. "Like that's not gonna happen."

"Howard…" Bernadette, used to Howard's humor, just shook her head.

Mrs. Wolowitz's eyes fluttered. "Did someone say food?" she asked, in her raspy voice. She looked at Howard and Bernadette. "Where's Stuart?" she asked.

"Where's Stuart?" Howard repeated, sounding miffed. "We're here, Ma. Your only son and his wife, the ones who took care of you when you were injured—"

"And the ones who couldn't be bothered to stay with me because they had their own lives to get back to," she retorted. "I know what you're doing! You're trying to keep Stewie away from me, aren't you?!"

"Stuart's out in the hallway, on the phone," Bernadette said.

"Who's he talking to?" Mrs. Wolowitz asked. "Is it that Jeanie again?"

"I don't know," Bernadette said, although she had a pretty good idea.

"If he wants to go to her, I'm not going to stop him," Mrs. Wolowitz said, in a long-suffering tone. "I'm not going to stand in the way of his happiness, even if she's almost 35 and still not married."

"Ma, you're getting all worked up," Howard said, secretly glad his mother was upset with Stuart. He handed her the jello cup. "Here, have something to eat, it'll calm your nerves."

"I'm not nervous," his mother protested. "I'm just saying, Stewie's a grown man, he can make his own decisions. I'm not going to tell him who he can—" in one quick sluurp the jello cup was empty "—and can't go out with."

Penny made a thumb's-up gesture to Leonard. The package had been delivered. She took his hand and, still invisible, they vanished from the room.

-=o=-

A week later, Thanksgiving morning:

Raj's apartment was bustling with activity as he prepared for Thanksgiving. The turkey was in the oven, the potatoes were ready for peeling, and the dressing was in the refrigerator, ready for re-heating just before they were ready to eat.

Raj sipped at a glass of Reisling, smiling to himself at the surprise theme he'd put together for Thanksgiving this year. It was a stroke of brilliance, if he did say so himself. Everyone loved Tom Hanks! From Philadelphia to Big to Sleepless in Seattle, every movie was gold. Then there was Forrest Gump, The Green Mile, and who could forget the Toy Story trilogy? Even Saving Private Ryan, though that was a little bloody for Raj's taste. Everyone was going to be blown away when they saw all the ways he'd incorporated parts of Tom Hanks movies into their meal.

His apartment was going to be full this year. Emily would be here, of course; she had taken the day off from her normally-busy dermatology clinic. What kind of doctor's office made people work on Thanksgiving anyway, he wondered. Leonard and Penny were coming, as was Amy, who had promised that Sheldon would be here as well. Finally, Howard and Bernadette were coming, and they were bringing his mother along. Stuart had begged off this year, saying he'd made other plans. Well, it was his loss that he was going to miss Raj's "Tom Hanks-giving." With eight more people eating here today, he'd found and rented a larger table and chairs, temporarily replacing his smaller dining room table.

There was a knock on the door and Raj went over to answer it. It was Leonard and Penny. Penny was holding a bottle of sauvignon blanc. "Hi, come on in," Raj said, ushering them into his apartment.

"Looks like we're the first ones here," Leonard said, to make conversation as he took of his and Penny's coats, hanging them on a coatrack Raj had also rented for the day.

Penny smiled at him. "Nothing gets by you, sweetie."

Leonard smiled tolerantly at her. "You were the one in a hurry to get here."

"I was in a hurry to pick up the wine before they ran out of sauvignon blanc," Penny said, hefting the bottle. "Ready to open up this bad boy?" she said to Raj.

"I have some glasses here," Raj said, picking them up from the cabinet and putting them on the counter. He took the bottle from Penny and began unwrapping the cork. "Where's Sheldon and Amy?"

"They're coming," Leonard said, a little uncomfortably. "There may be a little discussion going on."

Raj twisted the cork out of the bottle. Penny held out her glass but Raj pulled it back. "Let it breath a minute," he suggested. "Discussion about what?" he asked Leonard.

"Oh, Sheldon is sure you're going to have another one of those silly theme dinners," Penny said, wiggling her glass.

"Oh. Really." Raj said, in a subdued tone.

"You know how he is," Leonard said by way of explanation. "We told him you probably didn't have time to come up with anything, but he's adamant."

"Hmm," Raj murmured. "What a silly goose!" he said, laughing as if the idea of the themed dinner was ridiculous. As he turned back to the kitchen his expression turned brooding.

There was another knock on the door. It was Emily this time, dressed in a deep blue, low-cut blouse and black slacks. Over that she wore a blue Canada Goose parka, which Emily slipped out of after giving Raj a quick kiss.

"Nice coat," Leonard said, not realizing that a Canada Goose parka could fetch as much as $1500 retail.

"I like it," Emily said, taking a glass of Reisling offered by Raj, who was hovering nearby now that she was here. She looked at Penny. "What did you wear?"

"Oh," Penny said, put on the spot. "Just my regular coat. No big deal."

"Mmm," Emily said. She looked at Raj. "When do we eat?"

Penny turned her head so only Leonard could see her face. I still hate her, she mouthed at him. Leonard shook his head slightly and shrugged, not wanting to get into Penny's issues with Emily.

Howard and Bernadette showed up next, followed right behind by Sheldon and Amy. "Where's your mother, Howard?" Raj asked as he hung up their coats.

"She called and said she wanted to drive over herself," Howard said. "She said she had a surprise for us."

"Oh no, she's not brining over a tur-briska-fil, is she?" Raj moaned.

"No," Howard said flatly. "I'm just hoping she's not going to announce her engagement to Stuart."

"Howard," Bernadette shook her head warningly.

"Isn't Stuart still going out with that Jeanie girl?"

"You mean Howard's second cousin that he lost his virginity to?" Raj said, with a wicked grin. Howard grimaced and covered his face with his hands.

"Raj!" Bernadette turned on him. "You're not helping!"

"Sorry, Bernadette," Raj said. "But it's still hilarious!"

"Just go cook the damn turkey," she growled, and Raj beat a hasty retreat to his kitchen.

There was an awkward silence.

That was apparently what Sheldon was waiting for. "Now then," he said, stepping to the center of the apartment. "Who'd like to hear some classic Sheldon Cooper factoids about Thanksgiving?"

"Not now, Sheldon," Leonard groaned.

Sheldon looked puzzled. "What, do you still want to continue the topic of Howard's quasi-incestuous sex life?"

"What've you got, Sheldon?" Howard spoke up quickly.

Sheldon beamed, happy to be the center of attention again. "Alright, here goes. What food didn't the Pilgrims eat at the first Thanksgiving?"

No one spoke. Sheldon took this for ignorance. "You'll never guess," he said. "Huh? Huh?" he goaded them. "Give up yet?"

"Oh, I don't know, Sheldon," Howard finally said, to shut him up. "Turkey?"

Sheldon looked startled. "Well," he said, his condescending smile turning to chagrin. "Kudos to Howard for that lucky guess. Good job, Howard. I guess that goes to show, even someone without a Ph.D can come up with the right answer every so often."
"It wasn't that hard, Sheldon," Howard pointed out. "I figured the question had to have an ironic answer or you wouldn't have asked it."

"Ironic? How is that ironic?" Sheldon wanted to know.

"Never mind," Howard muttered. There was another knock at the door just then. "I hope that's Ma," he said, hurrying over to answer it.

He opened the door to find his mother standing outside, nearly invisible in the huge fur coat she was sporting, wearing sunglasses and a muffler that covered most of her face. "You're finally here," he said, a little testily. "What kept you?"

"I had to make sure I was warm," she said, in her vaguely accented voice. "What, you want I should catch my death of cold?"

"Ma, you could be locked in a freezer for a month before you froze to death," Howard said, as she came inside.

"Shows what you know, Mr. Smarty-Pants," Mrs. Wolowitz said. "Watch this." She took off the fur coat, revealing—another coat beneath it. She handed the coat to Howard.

"You wore two coats?" Howard asked. "It's not that cold outside."

"Just wait," his mother said. "I'm not finished."

She began removing coat after coat, dropping them on the floor behind her. By now everyone in the room was staring at her, wondering how many coats she'd managed to get on her rather obese body. But as the coats kept coming off and she kept getting thinner and thinner, Leonard and Penny glanced uneasily at one another. What had that weight-loss potion done?

When the final coat came off, Howard's mother whipped off the muffler and took off her sunglasses, revealing a svelte figure in a low-cut dress and a face Howard remembered from when he was 10, before his father left them. She had lost easily over 100 pounds and now had curves in all the right places, like she did when he was a boy. Funny, he had never noticed them on her back then. "M-Ma," he stuttered. "What happened to you?"

"I don't know," she gushed, "but isn't it wonderful?! I'm thin again!" She rubbed her slender hands together. "Now, what's to eat?"

-=o=-

"That's impossible," Bernadette said, staring at Mrs. Wolowitz's new figure. "Nobody can lose that much weight in a week!"

"I don't know what yer talkin' about," Mrs. Wolowitz said. Her voice hadn't changed that much, though she sounded younger, somehow, now that she was thin. "Just lookit me!"

"What did you do?" Howard demanded. "Did you get liposuction? Was it cousin Albert? I know he's been aching to suck the fat out of you!"

"I told ya I didn't do anything!" his mother cried. "I been losin' 20 pounds a day for the last week!"

"Sudden weight loss is not unknown in the medical world," Sheldon spoke up. "Potential causes can be Addison's disease, celiac disease, cancer—"

"Ooo, don't say cancer!" Mrs. Wolowitz protested. "I'm too young and beautiful now to die of cancer!" Her accent made the word sound like "cansah."

Penny and Leonard had retreated to a corner near the door. "Something must have gone wrong with that weight-loss potion," she whispered to Leonard.

"You think?" Leonard muttered, sarcastically.

"Well don't get mad at me," Penny hissed. "I'm not the one who made it!"

"But you're the one who gave it to her!" Leonard pointed out. "We've gotta go talk to that old potion-maker!"

"Yeah," Penny agreed. "Come on. Hey," she said, raising her voice. "Leonard and are going to get something from the car."

Nobody paid any attention to them. Penny shrugged at Leonard, then they slipped out the door to Raj's apartment. Once outside, they vanished.

They appeared outside the Apothecary's shop and rushed inside. The old warlock was hunched over a cauldron, stirring as he added ingredients. "Back so soon?" he grinned as he saw Penny again. "Can't get enough of me, can you, cutie?"

"Yeah," Penny muttered. "No, that's not it. We had some problems with that potion you gave us."

The Apothecary shook his head. "Sometimes it takes a while before the potion kicks in," he said. "Give it a few more days, I'm sure the weight will come off eventually."

"That's the problem!" Penny said. "I gave it to my friend's mother and now she's lost over 100 pounds in just a week!"

"Whoa," the old warlock muttered. "That's a lot of weight for a witch to drop in a week, you know."

"But she's not a witch," Leonard said.

"Not a witch?" The Apothecary looked stunned. "You didn't give it a mortal, did you?!"

"Well, yeah…" Penny said, warily. "Was that wrong?"

"Of course it's wrong!" the Apothecary exploded. "That potion was never meant for mortals to take! Mortals shouldn't be exposed to things from our Realm! It does strange things to them! Just being in the Realm can cause strange and unpredictable things to happen to them!"

"Oh, really?" Leonard said, looking at Penny. "Like what?"

"What part of 'unpredictable' wasn't clear to you?" the Apothecary snapped. "Wait—" he looked at Leonard carefully for the first time since meeting him. "Are you mortal?"

"Yeah…" Leonard said.

"You shouldn't be here!" the old warlock cried excitedly. "There's no telling what might happen if you stay here much longer!"

"But what about Mrs. Wolowitz?" Penny asked. "When is she going to stop losing weight?"

"She's not!" the Apothecary said, wringing his hands. "Oh, this is awful! Six hundred year without a job-related accident, and now—pfffft!"

"But what does that mean?" Leonard asked, anxiously, "that she won't stop losing weight?"

"It means," the Apothecary moaned, "she's going to get thinner and thinner every day until she's nothing but skin and bones. Literally. And then even they will disappear, and nothing will be left."

"Well, that's not good!" Penny said. "How can we stop it?"

"We can do nothing!" the Apothecary said. "I have to come up with an antidote, and soon! How much does she weigh now?"

Leonard shrugged, looking at Penny, who said, "Maybe 140 or so."

"That gives me two, maybe three days to find something," the Apothecary said, thinking furiously. "Okay, okay, here's what you do: Keep feeding her as much food as possible. That will hold off the final weight loss, the one where she reduces into nothing. I'll contact you as soon as I have something to try on her."

"Okay," Penny nodded. She and Leonard disappeared.

"And the next time you come here," the Apothecary called after her. "Don't bring Romeo with you!"

-=o=-

Leonard and Penny snuck back into Raj's apartment, where Mrs. Wolowitz was still showing off her new figure. "Just wait 'til Stewie sees me like this," she was saying, coyly. "He won't know what to think!"

"Nobody knows what to think," Bernadette muttered.

Emily, who had watched silently for several minutes, turned to her. "I thought Howard's mother was heavier than that."

"She was," Bernadette said. "I think she qualified for her own ZIP code."

"And she lost it all in a week?" Emily asked.

"Yeah. Boy, if there was a way to bottle that, my company would be rolling in dough!"

"No doubt," Emily said. She turned and looked at Penny. When she caught Penny's eye, she gestured for them to go into Raj's bedroom. Unnoticed, they slipped away into the next room. The door closed of its own accord.

"What?" Penny said, brusquely. What did this witch want now?

"You gave her a reducing potion, didn't you?" Emily deduced. "Didn't the Apothecary tell you not to give that to mortals?"

"He thought I was going to give it to another witch!" Penny cried. "I just got back from there—he said he was going to try to make an antidote."

"I hope he can," Emily told her. "The Witches Council isn't going to like it if a mortal dies due to our negligence."

"Negligence? Whoa, wait a minute!" Penny snapped. "It was an accident! I was trying to help her lose weight!"

"Your heart was in the right place, I guess," Emily agreed. "But there are simpler ways to accomplish that, especially for mortals. The problem is that you just don't have enough experience yet to use those spells."

"I know," Penny said, dispiritedly, sitting down on the bed. "There are so many things in that book to learn!" She looked up at Emily. "You know, it's funny, but when I was at the Cheesecake Factory the hardest thing I did there was learning the menu. It was about a dozen pages long, it took me over a month before I could remember all of the items on it. But now I can read a spell once and remember it without any problem," Penny finished.

Emily smiled. "One of the perks of being a witch," she said. "We're smarter than mortals, so remembering things comes easier to us." Going back to the problem at hand, she asked, "Did the Apothecary tell you to do anything while he made the antidote?"

"He said to make her keep eating," Penny replied. "That might slow down the weight loss and give him more time."

The bedroom door opened and Raj looked in. "What are you two doing?" he asked.

"Oh," Penny said, smiling. "Just girl talk."

"Just girl talk," Emily echoed, smiling as well.

"I hope you're not in here comparing notes on me in the sack," Raj said, though his demeanor suggested that was exactly what he was hoping.

Penny and Emily glanced at one another. "No, no, nothing like that," Penny said, quickly.

"Well," Raj went on. "We're almost ready to eat out here, if you want to join us." He disappeared back into the kitchen.

Penny stood and the two women walked to the door. "He's never going to let that go, is he?" Emily muttered.

"Apparently not," Penny agreed.

-=o=-

"Oh my goodness," Mrs. Wolowitz said an hour later. "I'm so stuffed I don't think I could eat another bite?"

"Anyone want the last slice of pumpkin pie?" Raj asked, holding up the pie plate. A moment later it was snatched from his hand.

"You talked me into it," Mrs. Wolowitz said, taking a big bite with her fork.

The dining room table looked reminiscent of the aftermath of a meal held at a bulimics' convention. Bits and scraps of food lay strewn across it, from turkey bones picked clean to empty bowls that had held mounds of potatoes, stuffing, corn and peas, cranberries and now-dry gray boats. The vegetable tray held a few carrot sticks and stalks of celery, the roll basket was empty, and the only thing left in the three pie plates were crumbs.

At the center of this sat Mrs. Debbie Wolowitz, formerly an Overeaters Anonymous poster girl, now daintily wiping her lips as the last slice of pumpkin pie vanished down her throat. "That was pretty good, Rajesh," she complimented him. "I didn't know you could cook so well!"

"Thank you, Mrs. Wolowitz," Raj said, rubbing his belly. "I'm glad you enjoyed it.

At the other end of the table, Penny leaned close to Leonard and whispered, "No problem getting her to eat."

"I guess her appetite wasn't affected by that potion," Leonard whispered back.

Mrs. Wolowitz abruptly stood. "Well, I better get goin'," she said, getting her coats from the coatrack. "I gotta stop by the store and pick up some groceries for dinner tonight."

Raj stood. "Well, thank you for coming by," he said, a little surprised she was leaving so soon.

"Ma," Howard was standing now, too. "Don't you think you ought to go get a check-up?"

"What for? I feel fine!"

"Okay," Howard admitted. "But if you lose any more weight we're going to have to file a missing person report."

"Oh, quit worrying," his mother dismissed the idea. "I've never felt better in my life!" She slipped on her coat, then felt around in the pockets. "Now where's that verkackt cell phone Stewie got for me?" She pulled it out and pushed a button. "Stewie? Are you coming home tonight for dinner? Mama's making your favorites for Thanksgiving! All right, see you then!"

"'Mama?'" Howard echoed, looking crushed. "I thought I was your little matzo ball?"

"You are my little matzo ball," his mother said. "And I'll always love you. But now you have a wife and you're making a life with her. I just want to have a life, too. Is that so much to ask for?"

"I suppose not," Howard agreed. His mother held out her arms, and she and Howard hugged.

"That's so sweet," Bernadette said, happy to see her husband and his mother getting along. "I wish this moment could last forever."

"Well, gotta go," Howard's mother said, abruptly releasing him. She waved to everybody as she walked out the apartment door.

Howard watched her go, then rubbed the sides of his head as if he were in pain. Perhaps he was. "Okay," he muttered. "I don't know what she's thinking but I'm going to have to do something about this."

"But what can you do?" Bernadette asked. "You're mother's right."

Howard stopped rubbing his temples and stared at her in disbelief. "Whose side are you on?"

"I'm on your side," Bernadette said, as if that should be obvious. "But Howie, your mother's an adult. She knows what she's doing."

"I'm beginning to wonder," Howard muttered. "She's been acting weird ever since I moved out of the house. She was seeing that dentist for a while, and now she's got Stuart living there, eating her food, spending her money…"

"Howie…" Bernadette tried to calm him down. "You're getting yourself all worked up. Maybe we should go home and you can take a nap."

"I could use one, I guess," Howard agreed. He turned to Raj. "Thanks for the food, buddy," he said, then went to get their coats.

"We'd better go, too," Leonard said. Penny wanted to go home and look through her Book of Magic to see if there was anything she could do to stop Mrs. Wolowitz's weight loss.

"All right," Sheldon agreed, quickly standing. "Raj," he said. "I'd like to say I had a wonderful time and enjoyed all the food you cooked, but since Mrs. Wolowitz ate most of it all I can say is, nice napkin arrangements." He waited for Raj to thank him, but when Raj just stared, Sheldon turned away to get his coat.

"I'd better go, too," Emily told Raj. "I need to drop by the office and get ready for tomorrow. Black Friday is also known as Red Friday in the dermatology game. We see lots of rashes." She gave him a quick kiss, then gathered her coat and walked out with the others, leaving Raj alone.

Raj stared at the door for a long time before muttering, "They didn't even take their boxes of Forrest Gump chocolates with them. Happy Tom Hanks-giving everyone, my ass."

-=o=-

The next morning:

Leonard stuck his head in the door of Penny's apartment, finding her reading her magic book on the couch. "Any word?" he asked.

Penny shut the book. "Nothing," she said. "And I can't find anything in here that would stop that potion from making her lose weight. We're just going to have to wait for the Apothecary to get back to us. Oh, I feel so bad about this!"

Leonard sat down beside her. "It's not your fault—"

"Of course it's my fault!" Penny said. "I shouldn't have given her that potion in the first place, at least not without making sure it was okay for her to take! At least Emily was supportive," she mused distractedly. "Which is weird considering how much we hate each other."

"Hey, I'm being supportive!" Leonard objected. "And I certainly don't hate you!"

"Yeah, yeah," Penny said, as if that was expected behavior. "I just didn't realize how things from the witches' realm could affect mortals."

Leonard was giving her a look. "Um, speaking of that," he said, tentatively.

Penny turned to him. "What is it? Is something wrong with you, too? Oh no, Leonard! I'm sorry! I didn't realize you weren't supposed to be there!"

"Well, it's not actually a problem, per se," Leonard said. He reached in his pocket and pulled out an asthma inhaler. "I think my asthma's gone," he said.

"What?"

"I haven't used my inhaler in over a week," Leonard said. "Not since the first time we went to the Apothecary's shop!" He was smiling broadly.

Penny broke into a grin as well. "That's wonderful!" she said, hugging him. Then she pulled back, giving him an inquisitive look. "Do you really think something there cured your asthma?" she asked.

"I don't know what else it could be," Leonard said excitedly. "I think all of my allergies are gone, too! I haven't sniffled once in the past week!" He got a sly look on his face. "I'd ask you to bring Sheldon there but I don't suppose there's much chance that place will cure crazy."

"We might have to leave him there a while," Penny laughed.

Leonard's phone beeped. A moment later so did Penny's. Taking out his phone, Leonard read the text he'd just received. "Oh, no," he muttered. "It's from Bernadette. Apparently Howard and Stuart are having a full-blown argument at his mother's house."

Penny held up her phone. "I got the same text," she said. "This is awful! I never should have given her that potion!"

"I wouldn't worry about that now," Leonard said. "I wish there was something we could do to keep them from arguing."

"Can't do anything about that, either," Penny shrugged. Then she got an idea. "We could go listen in."

Leonard shook his head. "I don't want to get in the middle of that, do you?"

"Who says they have to see us?" Penny asked, smiling deviously.

"You mean, go spy on them?" Leonard asked, surprised. "Is that what you're suggesting? Because I'm good with that if you are."

"Great!" Penny said gleefully. She snapped her fingers and they disappeared.

They appeared a moment later in Mrs. Wolowitz's living room, invisible and intangible. Mrs. Wolowitz, Stuart, Howard and Bernadette were there, with battle lines drawn.

Yesterday, Mrs. Wolowitz had been round yet curvaceous. Today she looked positively gaunt. Apparently even two large meals couldn't keep the pounds from falling off her.

"She looks worse today," Leonard whispered.

"She does, poor thing," Penny agreed, compassionately. "Now shush, Leonard, I want to hear what they're saying!"

Howard and Stuart were in each other's faces, shouting. "How do we know you didn't have something to do with my mother losing all that weight!" Howard was yelling.

"What could I have done to make your mother lose weight?!" Stuart yelled back. "She does all the cooking!"

"Stewie does make a mean blintz," Mrs. Wolowitz interjected.

"What makes you think I had anything to do with it?" Stuart demanded.

"You were living here when it happened!" Howard said.

"That doesn't mean anything!" Stuart shouted. "Besides—" he suddenly cut himself off.

"Besides, what?" Howard wanted to know. "What were you going to say?"

Stuart sighed. "I—haven't been—staying here, lately," he stammered. "After Debbie goes to sleep I—leave."

"What?" Bernadette looked surprised. "Where do you go, Stewie?"

Stuart looked toward Mrs. Wolowitz, who nodded. "Go ahead. Tell them, Stewie," she said.

"I've—been staying—with Jeanie…" Stuart murmured, looking away.

"What?!" Howard and Bernadette both exclaimed.

"Ooo, this is getting good!" Penny whispered to Leonard.

"So now you're cheating on my mother?!" Howard accused.

"No—I've, I've—your mother and I have never had a relationship," Stuart said. "Not beyond me taking care of her when she was hurt."

"But you've been staying here for months," Bernadette said.

"We get along," Mrs. Wolowitz said. "He makes me laugh. What's wrong with him keeping me company?"

"Nothing," Howard said. "But—I thought—"

"Well, you thought wrong, sucka," Stuart snapped, his anger finally flaring up.

"So…you're not…" Howard began.

"No, we're not," his mother said. Howard sagged, relieved. "What?" she went on, "is that what you think, that your mother's a whore?"

"No, I—"

"Yeah," Stuart chimed in. "What kind of son are you?" Then he looked at Mrs. Wolowitz. "Of course, technically, us sleeping together wouldn't make you a whore, especially since you're giving me money."

"Right," Howard said, deadpan. "That would make you a gigolo."

"Now let's not split hairs—" Stuart objected.

"Everybody just calm down!" Bernadette interrupted, her voice taking on the same quality Mrs. Wolowitz's used to have. "No more hair-splitting!"

"Wow," Penny said. "It's like watching Days of our Lives or General Hospital."

Leonard looked at her. "You watch those things?" he asked, a little surprised.

"Well," Penny shrugged, defensively. "I had to do something besides yoga all day before I got my job at Zangen."

The Apothecary suddenly appeared behind them, startling Leonard. "Still not used to that," he muttered.

"I've got it, I've got it!" the Apothecary crowed excitedly to Penny. "It took five weeks of hard work, but I finally got it!" He held up a bottle of swirling green liquid. He glanced at Leonard. "Oh, you're here, too, eh?"

"Five weeks?" Leonard repeated. "It's only been a day since we told you."

"Don't be silly," the old warlock scoffed. "For something this important, I made sure the potion would work then traveled back in time to give it to you. Otherwise the Witches Council probably would have pulled my license. Here."

Penny took the bottle from him. "She has to drink it, doesn't she?"

"No, it's a suppository," the Apothecary said. Both Penny and Leonard grimaced in distaste. "Don't be silly, of course she has to drink it!"

"Whew, thank God," Penny said, relieved. "So—so how do I give it to her?"

"Use your imagination, cutie," the Apothecary smiled, then disappeared.

Penny looked at Leonard, shrugged, then held out her hand. A cup of hot chocolate appeared, and she poured the bottle in.

Howard and Mrs. Wolowitz had both sat down on the couch; Stuart had gone into the kitchen to get Debbie something to drink and Bernadette was sitting on the staircase landing, texting.

"Ma," Howard was saying, "I'm sorry I said those things to Stuart, but you've got to understand—I've been worried about you."

"You don't need to worry about me, bubbeleh," his mother said, fondly. "I'm doing all right by myself these days."

Penny put the cup of chocolate on the table in front of Mrs. Wolowitz, then gestured at it to make it visible.

"All right, Ma," Howard said. "I won't worry about you—but please, don't call me 'bubbeleh' anymore."

"Why not?" his mother said, surprised. "I thought you loved it when I called you that."

"I did until I found out what it means—it means 'little grandmother.'"

"Oh, it means more than that," she said, rubbing his leg affectionately. "You know it's a term of endearment." She noticed the cup of chocolate, picked it up and took a sip. "Mmm, that's pretty good," she said. "Thanks, Stewie!" she called out.

Howard was smiling. "I know it is," he said, looking at her. "I guess it's okay."

"You're welcome," Stuart said, coming into the room holding a cup of hot chocolate. He stopped when he saw the cup in Debbie's hand. "Did I—already bring you that?" he asked, confused.

"You must have," she said, taking another sip. "It's delicious!"

"Oh, thanks," Stuart smiled. He looked at the cup in his hand. "This must be mine, then."

Howard looked around at him. "Where's my cup?" he asked.

Stuart jerked a thumb behind him. "It's your house," he said in a matter-of-fact tone. "You know where the kitchen is."

"Don't start with me!" Howard snapped.

"Howard!" both Bernadette and Mrs. Wolowitz warned, in the same tone of voice.

Penny looked at Leonard. "Time for us to go," she said, taking hold of his arm.

"Don't you want to watch them fight?" Leonard asked.

"It's getting old," Penny said. "Besides, I've got you and Sheldon for that, too." They disappeared.

-=o=-

A few days later, in Sheldon and Leonard's apartment:

Penny opened the door to find Leonard sitting at his computer desk. "How are you feeling today?" she asked.

"Pretty good, thanks," Leonard looked up at her and smiled. "Did you check on Mrs. Wolowitz today?"

Penny nodded. "She's still there," she said. "That—" she made a drinking motion, "must have worked."

"Good," Leonard said, relieved. "I hope from now on you'll be careful before you start throwing around your witchcraft."

"Sure," Penny said. "As long as you'll be careful before you start talking about 'Star Trek' or 'Lord of the Rings.'" Leonard smiled sardonically at her.

She looked around. "Where's Sheldon?"

"In his room," Leonard said, looking that way. "He's trying to figure out what Amy is going to buy him for Christmas so he can buy it first and ruin Christmas for her."

"What?" Penny frowned. "That's awful. Why would he do—never mind, I forgot who we were talking about for a minute."

Leonard turned around to face her. "Let me ask you a question," he said. "It's about—that other place." He lowered his voice a little. "As far as I can tell, my asthma and allergies have cleared up, and that funny feeling I had in my sinuses after my septum surgery has gone away as well. You've told me that witches and warlocks don't get sick; I wonder if it's that other place that's keeping them healthy."

"Could be," Penny agreed. "That book Maurice gave me says it's a place that's connected to our world but is separate from it, and they've been living there for thousands of years."

"I wonder if that's why they live so long," Leonard speculated. "It would be interesting to set up some experiments—"

"Hold on a second," Penny stopping him, waving her hands dismissively. "I'm not taking you back there. You heard what the old guy said about—mortals—being there. That place has weird and unpredictable effects on mortals."

"What place?" Sheldon, who was suddenly standing in the hallway, asked them. "What were you talking about?"

"Uh—" Leonard and Penny, both caught flat footed, didn't know what to say.

"Well, don't you know what you were talking about?" Sheldon asked. "Has too much intercourse muddled your thoughts?"

"It's-it's-it's not that, Sheldon," Leonard finally said. "We were just—discussing an idea for a television show."

"Yeah," Penny said, catching on.

"A television show?" Sheldon looked mildly interested. "What's it about?"

"It's about a beautiful blond woman with magical powers," Penny said, posing artistically, as if she would be that woman. "She lives in the suburbs with her new husband who finds out she's a witch and warns her she has to use her powers responsibly, for good."

Sheldon thought about that for several seconds. "Phew," he said, holding his nose and making a thumbs-down gesture. "It'll never work," he said.

"Why not?" Penny demanded.

"It's completely unbelievable," Sheldon declared. "They might as well make a TV show about two physicists living in an apartment together, across the hall from a waitress who's trying to become an actress. At least that's believable, because it's true!"