Chapter 6

"My turn," Emmett announced, collecting everyone's cards.

We were playing Apples to Apples. All the Cullen kids were gathered in a circle on the living room floor, laughing at the nonsense card selections. I felt normal, sitting around with everyone. Except every once in a while, someone would shoot me a look, like they suddenly remembered why I was here. I tried to not let it bother me.

I let out a yawn. "Bedtime for the human?" Edward asked.

I shook my head. "Not yet. For once I'm winning."

"Not for long. You're going down." Emmett announced with a wide smile.

We played cards for hours, until my eyes could not stay open anymore. Then Edward led me upstairs and waited patiently for me to get ready for bed.

I snuggled next to his cool body, and waited for sleep to take me.

"Are you angry at me?" I questioned.

Edward pulled me closer. "I could never be angry at you."

"Then how do you feel? You keep asking me how I feel, but I never ask you how you're feeling. I haven't exactly made things easy on you."

Edward sighed. "Please don't worry about me."

"I've pulled you into my problems. It's only fair that you pull me into yours."

Edward kissed my head. "First of all, you haven't pulled me anywhere- I go wherever you go. I love you, I just want you to be happy again. It upsets me, what you're doing. . . more than that— it terrifies me. I'm used to watching outside forces hurt you, but the biggest threat to you is yourself— and that is terrifying. I can't lose you, I just can't. . ." His voice broke. "You asked me how I feel, so let me tell you: I feel love. You occupy every corner of my heart. The only thing I feel is this blinding love. Maybe this is selfish of me to say, but I need you to stay with me. I'll do whatever it takes for you to just stay. . ."

I pressed my lips to his, trying to kiss away his pain. He surprised me by twisting his body so that he hovered above me. I could feel every inch of his body pressed into mine. Then he deepened the kiss, his hands tangling in my hair, his lips urgent on mine. I pulled away, lightheaded, and gulped in a breath of air. His lips traveled down my throat, causing me to moan. Edward pulled away, as if suddenly remembering that he was violating his rules. I let out an unhappy grunt.

"You should try to sleep." Edward said.

I rolled my eyes.

Edward chuckled, and then started humming my lullaby. I was asleep within seconds.

Esme cooked me breakfast. To say that she had outdone herself was an understatement. She made eggs, french toast, bacon, and pancakes. The food did not look especially appetizing, but I could tell she put a lot of work into it. I didn't want to eat it, but I felt guilty by refusing.

"Thanks for breakfast, Esme." I said tentatively.

"You're welcome, Bella. I'll be in the living room if you need anything else."

I gave her a smile.

"Edward, do I have to eat all of this?" I asked.

He sighed. "Not all of it, but a little."

I sat down at the table and studied the food in front of me. Why was this so hard? Eating was supposed to be a basic human instinct. Why was I so repulsed by this?

I scooped up a pile of scrambled eggs and slowly brought the fork to my lips. Tears welled in my eyes as I prepared to put it into my mouth. Edward came over upon seeing my wet eyes, and kissed me on the cheek.

"Let's find an easier way, okay? Carlisle can give you nutrients through—"

"I don't want needles, I don't want tubes. I can do this." Tears spilled out of my eyes and rolled down my cheeks.

I was about to put the fork in my mouth, but Edward snagged it away. Before I had time to think, he popped it into his mouth. I was shocked. Did he just eat that?

"I'll eat with you, okay? You eat some, I eat some." He said as he wiped away my tears.

"You don't have to do that." I said.

"I want to. I forgot how delicious human food was." He joked. The corners of my lips turned up.

"Okay. Now it's your turn." He said as he cut off a piece of french toast. He skewered the chunk with the fork and very slowly brought it to my lips. It tasted like a piece of sewage, but I smiled and said, "Oh, you're right. It's absolutely scrumptious." Edward smiled, clearly pleased that this game was getting me to eat.

I scooped up some eggs and placed it in Edward's mouth. He chewed it and then let out an obnoxiously loud groan, "Oh my God, this is the best thing I've ever tasted. Even better than your blood." He declared, causing me to giggle.

We ate breakfast like that: feeding each other and pretending that it was the best tasting food in the whole world. With each bite we got a little more ridiculous, groaning and going on about how delicious the cuisine was. We spent more time giggling than actually eating, but it felt good just to laugh. It seemed like forever since I had a good laugh.

We only ate a small portion of the food, but it was more than I had eaten in weeks. I smiled, happy that I was making progress. Esme came into the kitchen, and she looked like she was about to cry. She kissed each of us on the head and went to do the dishes. Edward and I helped.

After breakfast, I made my way upstairs to take a shower. The first thing I noticed when I stepped into the bathroom was my reflection. I gasped. How long have I looked like this? My cheeks were hollow, my skin was gray. I looked like I was all skin and bones. How have I not noticed this? I looked like the walking dead. I noticed the scale in the corner of the bathroom and decided to step on it, just to see exactly how much I weighed. The number that flashed on the screen startled me. 98.1 pounds. I felt a tear trickle down my cheek. If I didn't believe that I had a problem before, then I recognized it now. I looked at the scars on my thin wrists, and was immediately disgusted. How could Edward love me when I looked like this? I was disgusting.

I felt true hatred for myself. For putting Edward through this, for not taking care of myself. I was angry, so angry. I looked in the shower, and there, sitting on the ledge of the tub was my release. I was surprised— shocked— that they would leave a razor in the shower like that. Were they testing me? Did they trust me? I wasn't sure. I decided that I had let them down a million times before, so why should this time be any different?

I placed the razor on my wrist and pressed down. All of the anger that I felt disappeared, like a wave erasing footprints on a beach. It felt so good that I did it again, and again, maring up my skin. Suddenly, I was not alone in the bathroom anymore— suddenly, I was not in the bathroom at all. Cold hands pressed down on my arm, gauze wrapped around my wrist. I looked up and saw a pair of very sad, very disappointed gold eyes. And just like that, the hatred I felt earlier rushed back, reminding me that the relief was temporary, and the pain was permanent. I did not deserve the kindness of these people gathered around me, I did not deserve the sadness in their eyes. I did not deserve anything.