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Episode Nine

The Maternal Reorganization

Updated 3/27/2015

-=o=-

"I wish I knew what to do about this," Leonard sighed, taking a drink from his glass of iced tea. After a long moment, he looked at Penny and shrugged helplessly. "See, when I'm thinking about what I'm wishing for, nothing happens."

"Well, I've always said you overthink things, sweetie," Penny said, only half-jokingly. "Seriously, I don't know what we can do about it except call Dr. Bombay and ask him."

The two of them were at the Italian Kitchen in the Glendale Galleria that Saturday afternoon, enjoying lunch after a morning of shopping. "Enjoy" was a relative term, of course; since Leonard was lactose intolerant, he'd ordered his chicken broccoli with marinara instead of alfredo sauce. It made an interesting taste combination when he dipped his broccoli florets in the marinara. "I don't know if we need to do that," Leonard shook his head. "I'm going to set up some experiments, see what I can figure out."

"You need to be careful about that," Penny warned him. "Witchcraft is—"

"Shh," Leonard hissed, almost whispering. He looked around. They were dining al fresco, which in the case of the Glendale Galleria meant they were seated at a table just outside the restaurant proper, where other shoppers were passing by. "We don't want anyone to hear that word, do we?"

"Leonard, do you know how many Wiccans there are around here?" Penny pointed out. "Nobody's going to think there's anything weird about that word. I could probably tell people I worship Cthulhu and they wouldn't care."

Leonard smiled in spite of the weirdness of her saying that. "I didn't know you'd ever heard of Cthulhu."

"Yeah," Penny shrugged. "He's in my book on witchcraft."

"Really?" Leonard laughed at that. Then he realized Penny was serious. "Oh—you mean, really really?" he asked, paling.

"Don't worry about it," Penny said, waving off his anxiety. "As it turned out, he was just a warlock with some existential angst."

"Ohh-kaay," Leonard breathed, unsure what to think now that the existence of a god, even a fictional one, had been confirmed. "Does that book have any other surprises in it? Like Jesus being a warlock or something like that?"

Penny's eyes narrowed. "Have you been peeking?"

Leonard did a double take. "Oh no, you're not serious?" He gulped.

"No, I'm not!" Penny laughed. "I'm just messing with you, sweetie."

Leonard sighed with relief. He wasn't sure what he'd have done if it turned out the founder of a major religion was a card-carrying warlock.

"Hey, Penny." That unexpected but familiar voice made Leonard wince. It was Penny's ex-boyfriend Kurt, who was walking toward them. He was wearing khaki slacks and a polo shirt. It was probably the most dressed up Leonard had ever seen the guy, who normally sported open shirts and shorts (and even a caveman loincloth, the time he'd come to Penny's Halloween party).

"Oh…hey, Kurt," Penny said with a total lack of enthusiasm. "What are you doing here?"

"I work in the sports shop," Kurt said, pointing to the logo on his shirt that said "Sports Authority." "I been working there a couple of years now. This is the first time I've seen you here, babe."

"Yeah, well, I don't get over to the Galleria very often, 'babe,'" Penny retorted, her tone making it clear she didn't care for Kurt calling her that.

Kurt didn't seem to notice, however. "You here with this geek?" he asked, jerking a thumb toward Leonard. "You know you could do better, don't you?"

Leonard pulled himself up to his full height. "For your information," he informed the guy coldly, "We're engaged. To be married."

Kurt snorted. "Is that true?" he asked Penny, ignoring Leonard.

"Yes, it's true," Penny said, just as coldly. "So why don't you run on back to your sports store, we have other things to do."

Kurt folded his arms. "Come on, babe. This is a trick, right? You set this up 'cause you knew I worked in the Galleria, right?"

Leonard stood up, matching his five-foot-five frame against Kurt's six-foot-Godzilla one. "It's not a trick. Not a hoax. Not a dream. Not an imaginary story. It's real, and you're just going to have to deal with it. Now, why don't you go on about your business and leave us alone!"

Penny smiled happily at Leonard's assertiveness, but the smile turned rapidly to a look of horror when Kurt grabbed Leonard's shirt and lifted him up on his tiptoes. "I'll go, but maybe we oughta have one more pantsing, Four Eyes, for old times' sake."

"Oh, that's okay," Leonard gasped. "It's not really necessary…"

"I think it is," Kurt rumbled, but at that moment his khakis suddenly dropped to the floor. "What that—?" he looked down, astonished. How'd the little runt do that?

A moment later the back of his briefs suddenly pulled upward, giving him a wedgie. The back of the briefs stretched unnaturally, covering his head, and Kurt floundered around, unable to see, with his pants around his ankles. People walking through the mall stopped to point and laugh at him.

When Kurt finally got the band of his briefs off his head, they were so loose his bare backside was exposed, and he had to quickly bend over and pull up his pants before he could run off, embarrassed.

Leonard sat back down, still laughing, then smiled at Penny. "Thanks," he said.

"No problem, sweetie," Penny replied. They leaned over and kissed. "You know, it was kind of interesting seeing Kurt again."

"Sure," Leonard agreed. "Maybe tomorrow we can go to India and give Priya a wedgie, too."

"Don't give me any ideas," Penny warned him.

"Oh, yeah," Leonard said, remembering. "You can do that, can't you?"

Penny nodded, smilling.

-=o=-

A few days later Leonard and Sheldon were both on the phone with their mothers as a bemused Penny listened to their part of the conversation.

"No, Mom," Sheldon was saying, "I do not object to the idea of your coming here—it is the logistics of the situation I am concerned with—"

"Yes, Mother," Leonard sighed. "I'm glad your latest book tour was a success. No, I haven't read it yet. Well, I think I have some idea what it's about from the title—Needier, Greedier Baby has a somewhat familiar ring to it—"

"Yes, I'm sure some accommodation could be made." Sheldon again. "I'm sure Leonard won't mind—he probably likes having you here more than I do. No, mother, that was not a shot at you. If anything, it directed toward Leonard."

"Really, Mother?" Leonard didn't look happy now. "You know, staying in a hotel would be much more comfortable for you. No, I'm not trying to separate you from Sheldon, Mother. If you want to stay here, that will be fine with me. I'm sure Sheldon won't mind, either. Alright, I'll see you next week."

"Alright, Mom, I'll see you then. Love you, too."

Leonard and Sheldon hung up their phones at the same time and looked at Penny. "My mother is coming to visit," they said simultaneously, then looked at each other, startled. "Your mother is coming?" they both said.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Leonard complained.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Sheldon shot back.

"This should be interesting," Penny said, smiling broadly.

"'Interesting' isn't the right word for it," Leonard said, looking unhappy. "Both of our mothers here at the same time? They can't both stay here in our apartment, can they?"

"I don't know why they couldn't," Sheldon said, "if we had a couple of extra bedrooms…" he glanced meaningfully toward Penny.

"Sheldon," Leonard said, his voice becoming stern. "You know we couldn't explain where the extra rooms came from!"

"But you are going to tell your mother about Penny being a witch, aren't you?" Sheldon inquired, with a look of expectation on his face.

"No," Leonard retorted emphatically. "My mother is much too scientific and skeptical to accept something like that, and if she were convinced it was true, she'd want to examine Penny's brain to try and understand how magic works. What do you think your mother would do?"

"Well, that's simple," Sheldon said. "She'd burn Penny at the stake."

"Not gonna happen," Penny said firmly. "They tried it 300 years ago in Salem. It didn't work, unless they burned women who weren't really witches. Anyway, I have a pretty simple solution: one of your mothers can stay in my apartment while they're here."

"I call dibs on Leonard's mom," Sheldon said immediately. Leonard closed his mouth, wishing he'd been a little quicker. Mary Cooper was a lot nicer to be with than his own mother, but it would probably be better if she was in Penny's apartment. He just hoped that nothing…strange…happened in Penny's apartment while Sheldon's mom was staying there.

-=o=-

Howard answered his cell phone. "Hi, Ma, what's up?"

"How about taking your mother to the airport this morning?" his mother asked him. "You know I'll be gone to Florida for a few weeks and I won't see you again until I get back."

Howard looked at his workbench, thinking. The project he was working on was due by three p.m. that day, and was already behind schedule. The three o'clock deadline wasn't going to withstand another delay. "Ma, I can't, I've got a deadline to meet and I'm going to lose too much time if I stop to take you to the airport. Can't Stuart take you?"

"Stewie's working on the opening of his store," his mother reminded him. "You know how important that is to him."

Like a comic book store is more important than my work for NASA, Howard thought. Aloud, he said, "I can call a taxi to take you to the airport."

"Well, alright," his mother said, disappointed. "But I'm going to miss my little bubbeleh."

"I'll miss you, too, Ma," Howard said, meaning it. "Don't forget to call when you get to Aunt Gladys's house."

"Assuming she lets me use her phone," Mrs. Wolowitz complained. "That woman is tighter than my girdles ever were!" She had lost over 100 pounds a few months ago and couldn't wait to show off the weight loss to her relatives in Florida.

"I'm sure she will, ma," Howard said. "I'll talk to you soon." He hung up and started to call Bernadette to ask her to call for a taxi, then stopped. If I call her she's going to insist I take my mother to the airport, Howard reasoned. In this case it might be better to ask for forgiveness than permission. He turned to his computer to Google a cab company.

-=o=-

"It's good to finally meet you," Mary Cooper said warmly to the woman sharing the back seat of Leonard's car with her. "I've heard a lot about you."

"And I you," Beverly Hofstadter replied in a flat tone.

"Well, isn't that nice?" Mary beamed, glancing at Sheldon in the front passenger seat next to Leonard. "I hope my Shelly didn't pour on too much praise for me, I'm just a simple, God-fearing woman trying to get by on my own in life these days now that my George is gone, rest his soul. Did your husband pass on as well?"

"Not quite," Beverly replied, adjusting her glasses. "He cheated on me with a waitress at our university's cafeteria, and I divorced his lying, unfaithful—"

"Mother," Leonard interrupted before she could start calling his father names. "You promised you wouldn't dwell on the past."

"Yes, so I did," she agreed. She turned back to Mary. "We parted on more or less amicable terms," she said, then added sotto voce, "Mostly less."

"Well, that's good, I suppose," Mary said, looking a little uncertain. "My George was unfaithful to me once—it was just before Shelly went off to college, the summer he graduated from fifth grade." She smiled at Beverly. "But I know he was just hurting because Shelly was leaving home to go to college in California."

"In my husband's case," Beverly said dispassionately, "I believe he was unfaithful because of our agreement not to engage in coitus for other than procreation."

"Oh, that's interesting," Mary said, looking impressed. "The part about only having sex for procreation, I mean," she hastened to add. "Not that other part. George was usually randier than a hog in a pen full of sows—it was all we could do just to keep young Shelly from walking in on us."

"What I find interesting is your predilection toward calling your son 'Shelly'," Beverly observed. "I'm curious: do you think you harbor an unconscious desire for him to be a girl?"

Mary looked surprised at the question. In the front seat Leonard pinched his nose, embarrassed by his mother's question. "Mother, you don't have to psychoanalyze everyone you meet."

"I thought you enjoyed it when I analyzed your two friends, that Jewish boy Howard with mother issues and the Indian lad with selective mutism," Beverly replied. "You seemed to be quite happy when I pointed out how they had created an ersatz homosexual relationship in order to deal with their issues with females."

"Yes, well," Leonard felt bad about it now that she'd pointed out his enjoyment at the time. "Howard's married now, and Raj can talk to women. He even has a girlfriend."

"That doesn't invalidate my analysis," Beverly said. "I did point out it was an ersatz relationship."

"Where is that place, 'ersatz'?" Mary asked. "I never heard of that country—is it south of here, or north?"

"It's neither, mother," Sheldon said, as patiently as he could. "Ersatz means 'false' or 'fake'."

"Oh," Mary said. "I guess that's how things were with George and me at the end there. He'd always wake up in the morning after he'd drunk a snootful of bourbon and tell me how good I was the night before." She smiled. "That was about the only thing kept me from putting rat poison in his meat loaf."

"Rat poison," Beverly muttered, looking thoughtful. "A shame I never thought of that. But then, I never cooked for my husband so the thought would have been moot."

Sheldon and Leonard looked at one another, each with an internal shudder of dread, then turned back to the road. It was going to be an interesting week.

-=o=-

Penny was passing the time waiting for Leonard, Sheldon and their mothers to return from the airport by leafing through the Book of Magic that her grandfather Maurice had given her, back when she first learned she was a witch. It was now nearly eight months since that time, and while she'd learned quite a bit about being a witch, she hadn't really done a lot as one. Other than the trip to Paris with her cousin Serena she hadn't gone globetrotting like most witches and warlocks liked to do. She didn't associate with other witches or warlocks outside her family (well, except for Emily, but nobody knew she was a witch except Leonard, and they really didn't care to be around each other anyway). And mostly, she didn't use her witchcraft other than around her apartment, and then only to take care of boring stuff like cleaning and such. It was sure nice to be able to snap her fingers and clean the toilet bowl, she had to admit!

"Catching up on your studying?" a familiar voice said in her ear, making Penny jump. She turned to see Endora leaning over her shoulder. "My, what a studious little witch you're turning out to be, my dear."

"You scared me," Penny said, closing the book. It drifted out of her hands, floating across the room to land atop her entertainment center, where she kept it hidden. Not that it would matter—if a normal person picked it up it would appear to be nothing but a book of blank pages. "What are you doing here?"

"What, no welcoming kiss for your grand-mama?" Endora said, sounding hurt. She leaned forward, tapping her cheek for Penny to kiss.

"Grand-mama? Are you kidding?" The last time Penny had called Endora "grandma" she'd insisted Penny only call her by her name. "What's gotten into you?"

Endora walked around the couch and sat down next to Penny. "I heard that your fiancé Loony's mother is coming to visit."

"His name is Leonard," Penny reminded her again, for probably the 20th time. "And yes, his and Sheldon's mothers are both coming to visit. In fact, they're at the airport now picking them up."

"Interesting," Endora mused. "You know, I think I would like to meet them."

Penny looked surprised. "Why? You were never interested in meeting mortals before now?" She looked suspiciously at her grandmother. "What are you up to?"

"Up to? My dear, you wound me," Endora pouted. "Can't I want to meet the people in your life who are important to you?"

Penny relented a bit. "I suppose so. It just seems a little…weird." She stared at Endora in her witch's gown. "Um, you're not going to meet them like this, are you?"

"Of course not!" Endora's hands made a flourish in the air, and her green and purple gown vanished, replaced by a sequined evening gown and fur stole across her shoulders. "How's this?"

"A little overdressed," Penny observed. "Also not PETA-approved. You might want to lose that fur and dial back the dress a bit."

Endora looked a little put upon but waved her arms again. Her gown turned into a knee-length dress with a pearl necklace and a Dior purse. "Better?" she asked, with a sly smile.

"Very nice," Penny agreed. She heard noises outside her door. "They must be back," she said, going over to the door and opening it just as Leonard started to knock.

He pulled his hand back in surprise as the door swung open, then smiled as he saw Penny. "Hi," he said. "We're back!" He turned so Penny could see through their open door to where Mary and Beverly's suitcases were visible on the living room floor. "Do you want to come o—oh," he stopped as he saw Endora. "Oh. Hello, Endora."

"Hello, Durwood," Endora said. Then, "Oh, I'm sorry, I mean Londo."

"It's Leonard," he corrected her, again. "I think Durwood's your son-in-law."

"Was," Endora said, coldly. She brightened again. "I thought I would come over with Penny and meet your mothers."

"That's nice," Leonard smiled, but the smile quickly disappeared. "Er—um, why, exactly?"

"Why not?" Endora asked, spreading her hands questioningly.

Leonard was silent for several seconds, thinking. "You know," he said at last. "I really can't think of a good reason. Come on."

Leonard led Penny and Endora across the hall to apartment 4A. Sheldon, in his spot on the couch, visibly tensed as someone he didn't recognize entered his space. "Sheldon, Mother, Mrs. Cooper, this is Penny's grandmother, Endora. Endora, this is my mother, Beverly Hofstadter, and Sheldon's mother Mary Cooper."

"Pleased to meet you," Mary said warmly. "I'm so glad to finally meet some of Penny's family."

"Thank you," Endora replied. "But Penny is actually my step-granddaughter."

"Oh, well, that's not important," Mary waved off the comment. "I think of Penny like she's one of my own children."

"Why that's so nice," Penny said, pleased to hear that. "Thank you, Mrs. Cooper!"

"You seem familiar to me, somehow," Beverly said to Endora, eschewing even a perfunctory greeting. "Were you by any chance in London last fall, when I was there on my book tour?"

Endora turned to her. "I may have been, I was there for the Fashion Week in September, at Somerset House."

"Yes," Beverly nodded. "Interesting. I was there to sign my new book, Needier, Greedier Baby. I wondered why a woman of your years was attending such a youth-oriented event."

Endora looked at Beverly. "A woman of my years?" she said, with a sweetness in her tone that belied the flash of anger in her ice-blue eyes. "What do you mean?"

"Oh, I don't mean to be insulting," Beverly replied, emotionlessly. "You look quite decent for someone your age."

Leonard was wincing internally. Endora did not take perceived insults well, he knew. But the redhead merely smiled at Beverly Hofstadter. "I may be a bit older than you think, my dear."

"Oh, don't say that," Mary spoke up, always the peacemaker. "Compared to my mother you're a spring chicken, Mrs.—"

"Why, thank you," Endora said with a gracious nod. "And it's just 'Endora.' We're all family, you know." She turned to Penny. "Well, my dear, it's time for me to be off." She looked at the others. "I'm flying to Hong Kong this afternoon to meet with an old friend."

"Oh, Hong Kong, isn't that interesting," Mary said, impressed. "We have a place back home that makes authentic Hong Kong food. They grill everything up right in front of you." She made chopping motions with her hand. "It looks really interesting—reminds me of some of those chop-socky movies Shelly and his daddy used to watch on Saturday nights."

"Mmm, yes," Endora murmured, not interested. "Penny will you walk your grandmother down to the entrance?"

"Sure, Granny," Penny said, smiling. Endora shot her a warning glance but said nothing as they left the apartment.

"Well," Leonard said into the ensuing silence. "That was a nice visit, wasn't it?" He immediately answered himself. "Sure it was! Well, would anyone like something to drink?"

"Leonard, I have a question," Sheldon said.

"What is it, Sheldon?" Leonard asked, feeling a premonition of doom.

"Who was that woman?"

"That was Penny's grandmother," Mary told him. "Haven't you ever met her before?"

"That was the first time I've ever seen her," Sheldon said. "She looks nothing like Penny's mother."

"She did say she was Penny's step-grandmother," Beverly pointed out, moving over to the chair Leonard normally sat in. "There wouldn't necessarily be a family resemblance."

"There was no reason for you to be rude to her, Mother," Leonard said, relieved Endora hadn't turned his mother into a potted plant or something.

"Rude?" Beverly looked genuinely puzzled. "I was merely pointing out the incongruity of seeing someone her age in that environment."

"You were there, too," Leonard pointed out.

"Yes, Leonard, that much is obvious, since I saw her there," Beverly said with a sigh.

"Oh, that's just a way for us older folks to stay young," Mary offered. "Every week or so Ron and I go down to Fudrucker's and have a burger and a shake together, just like we were teenagers."

Sheldon turned to her with an unhappy look. "You're still seeing Ron? I thought you would have dumped him like a hot potato by now."

"Yes, we're still seeing one another," Mary said, her tone turning stern. "I told you, Shelly, what Ron and I do together isn't your concern."

"Dr. Hofstadter," Sheldon said, trying to appeal to a higher authority. "Don't you think a woman my mother's age having sex is inappropriate?"

Beverly took off her glances and regarded him appraisingly. "I would tend to agree, Sheldon, except for the fact that I've been having regular coitus lately with my agent's assistant, Jeremy."

Sheldon's eyes widened in horror. "No! Not you, too!"

"Oh, my lord," Mary breathed. "Are you a cougar?"

"Apparently," Beverly replied candidly. "It's quite invigorating."

Leonard put his face into his hand. "Kill me."

-=o=-

Back in Penny's apartment—
"The nerve of that woman!" Endora ranted, pacing the floor in front of Penny's couch. "How dare she make insinuations about my age!"

"Well," Penny shrugged. "That's just Beverly. By the way, how old are you, exactly?"

"That's not important," Endora said, evasively. "But I'm certainly old enough to remember when mortals showed us witches some respect!"

"If I remember right," Penny said, folding her arms across her chest. "I read in the Book of Magic that was about 400 years ago, shortly before the Witches Council made everyone forget witches really existed."

"Now those were the days, my girl," Endora said feelingly. "None of this 'Wtiches are ugly!' or 'Witches are evil!' nonsense! No, witches were beautiful and powerful, loved by all for the good things we did!"

"Well, actually," Penny began. "Witches were abusing their powers and taking advantage of mortals. The Witches Council made everyone forget witches and warlocks existed so you would all return to the Eternal Realm and stop pestering normal people. But a few bad witches and warlocks remained on earth, deciding they could rule it while all the others were gone, so the Council had to send some back to take care of that problem. And by the time normalcy was regained everyone forgot you weren't supposed to stay here."

"Well, I see you learned your lessons well," Endora muttered. "Something that woman ought to do! Why, I have a mind to—"

"Hold on," Penny warned. "That woman is my fiancé's mother—I don't want you doing anything bad to her!"

Endora looked chagrined, but finally nodded with a smile. "Don't worry, my dear—I won't harm a hair on her head. Now, if you'll excuse me, I do have an appointment in Hong Kong. I'll see you again soon." With a wave of her hand the redheaded witch disappeared.

-=o=-

Cut back to Leonard and Sheldon's apartment—
Endora appeared a moment later, invisible, in apartment 4A, as Sheldon was reeling with horror over Beverly's revelation about her sex life. "Yes," she said to herself, watching as the insufferable Hofstadter woman stared inquisitively at the tall, skinny fellow who seemed absolutely outraged by something she had apparently said. "I think these two ladies will both do better if they walk a mile in each other's' shoes—

Faustin, merosin, talan rake,
A subtle change I hereby make!
On my power as a witch,
Let these women's personalities switch!

There was a burst of magical sound only she could hear as Endora felt her spell take effect. "There," she purred, as each woman got a strange expression on her face. "Let's see how they deal with other people now!" She vanished, on her way to Hong Kong.

"Mother," Sheldon appealed to his mother, expecting her to take his side no matter what. "Don't you think it's wrong for a woman like Dr. Hofstadter to have casual sex like that? At least you and Ron are in a committed relationship. Aren't you?"

Mary's expression had gone from a concerned frown to bland indifference. "Well, I don't see how it's any of my business what Dr. Hofstadter does in her personal life, Sheldon. I'm not her, after all."

Beverly smiled at her. "Thanks, Mary," she said, with a genuine smile on her face. "That's might white of you."

Sheldon and Leonard both jerked in surprise, then stared at one another in shock. That didn't sound right at all.

"Mother?" Sheldon ventured uncertainly.

"Sheldon?" Mary answered in a flat voice, not like her usual self at all.

"Are you feeling all right?" Sheldon asked. "You sound—strange."

"I don't know what you mean, Sheldon," Mary said dryly. "I feel fine, except for a need to urinate."

"Yeah, me too!" Beverly agreed with a laugh that sounded like a duck with whooping cough. "I gotta go more'n a Indy car in last place on lap 199!"

Mary closed her eyes, sighed, and stood. "Excuse me," she said, and walked out of the room.

"Hold on there," Beverly stood, "I call dibs!" she ran after Mary and the two women got into a brief pushing match in the hallway before Beverly came back out. She pointed to the apartment door, saying, "Be right back! I'm gonna go see if Penny will let me use her bathroom!" She disappeared through the apartment door, leaving Leonard and Sheldon staring after each of their mothers.

Finally Sheldon turned back to Leonard. "What has Penny done now?!"

"Hold on," Leonard objected. "We don't know this is Penny's fault! Sometimes Endora plays pranks. Usually on me," he added parenthetically, happy not to be the butt of the joke this time. But still, his and Sheldon's mothers… Leonard stood. "Let's go talk to Penny," he said resignedly.

-=o=-

Once again in Penny's apartment—
Penny had no sooner picked up the Book of Magic to read again than there was a knock at her door. She slipped the book under some magazines on her coffee table and went to the door, finding Beverly on the other side.

"Oh, hi Beverly," Penny said, not expecting to have Leonard's mother visit her. "Can I do something for you—?"

"I hate to bother you, sweetie," Beverly said, smiling. "I gotta use the little girl's room but Sheldon's mom beat me to it. Mind if I use yours?"

"Um." That request was a lot different than Beverly's usual announcement that she had to urinate. "Sure, help yourself."

"Thanks, sweetheart, you're a lifesaver!" Beverly slipped past her and hurried into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her.

Penny stared after her for several seconds. "That was weird," she said to no one in particular. She started to close her door when Leonard and Sheldon suddenly appeared in the doorway.

"Did my mother just come over here?" Leonard asked her.

"Brilliant deduction, Sherlock," Penny said dryly. "You must've seen her walk in my door, it was only a few seconds ago."

"Well, yeah," Leonard admitted. "Did—did she seem a little…off to you?"

"Off?" Penny repeated. "You mean, being bright and cheery and actually nice to me? No, nothing like that at all."

"Huh," Sheldon muttered. "That's unusual, she was that way just a few seconds ago."

"Sheldon," Leonard sighed. "Penny's being sarcastic."

"Oh," Sheldon looked thoughtful a moment. "Well, at least Penny's still acting consistently. I don't know who that woman claiming to be my mother is anymore."

"What happened?" Penny asked, suddenly wary.

"It's like Sheldon's and my mother switched personalities," Leonard said. "We, um, came over to see if you would know anything about that…"

"Do you think I did it?" Penny asked, shocked and annoyed that they would.

"No, I think Endora did it," Leonard explained. "Did you see her cast a spell or anything?"

"No," Penny said, "but she promised me she wouldn't!" She was upset that Endora had lied to her yet again. "And she's supposed to go to Hong Kong today!"

"Well, can't you do something to fix it?" Leonard pleaded.

"Leonard, you know I can't," Penny told him. She pitched her voice lower so Beverly wouldn't overhear. "Only the witch who cast the spell can counter it."

"Well what are we going to do?" Sheldon demanded. He pointed to his apartment. "My mother's over there acting like she doesn't care about anything at all anymore—including me! This is intolerable! Leonard, tell Penny to fix it right now!"

"Hang on." Leonard had just realized that his mother was acting exactly the way he'd always wanted her to be—compassionate, warm and caring. "Sheldon, maybe we should let this go on a bit longer—as a experiment, mind you."

"No, sir!" Sheldon stated firmly. "My mother is not going to be a part of any magic experiments!"

"Too late, Sheldon," Penny said, smiling at him. She'd caught on to what Leonard had realized. "She already is. She'll have to stay like that until Endora gets back from Hong Kong."

Sheldon stared at the two of them. "You're going to make me put up with this nonsense until your witch of a grandmother gets back, aren't you?"

Penny nodded. "Yep."

"Drat."

-=o=-

A week later—
Sheldon and Leonard watched apprehensively as Beverly and Mary entered their apartment—Mary coming from Penny's apartment across the hall, and Beverly from Leonard's bedroom, where each woman had just finished packing their luggage.

The personality switch was still in place, as Endora had not responded to any of Penny's pleas to return and remove her spell. Not that Leonard hadn't enjoyed the past seven days—his mother had been much more pleasant and warm than on any other visit, and he was thoroughly enjoying the change.

Sheldon, not so much.

Sheldon was sitting sullenly on the couch, his arms folded across his chest, sulking that his mother had virtually ignored him for the past week. No fried chicken dinners, no pecan pies, no Vapo-Rub on his chest the night he'd felt a bit stuffy—even Leonard had refused to do it since Mary was there! Nothing had gone right this week!

What was worse was the absolutely unreal way Leonard's mother had been acting. She'd talked excitedly about her recent book tours, though she quite apologetic that her new book showed Leonard in such a poor light. She'd promised her son she would write a new book describing all of the good things about him.

"I wasn't aware you had any good memories of me as a child, Mother," Leonard had said. Sheldon had thought that was a bit rude, but Beverly seemed to take it in stride.

"Oh, of course there were good memories, Leonard!" she exclaimed, her voice nothing like the dull monotone Sheldon was so fond of. The past week had been nearly unbearable—so much so that Sheldon had even gone on two Date Nights with Amy, just to get away from the cloying sweetness of the new Beverly Hofstadter. And because his own mother found it more interesting talking to Penny than to him!

"You know, we better get a move-on," Beverly was saying. "If we're going to make it to the airport in time to get through security and get our boarding passes."

"Don't worry, Mother, we'll make it," Leonard replied, checking his watch and glancing at the door of his apartment. Penny was still trying to reach Endora—they couldn't let their mothers leave until she removed that spell from them! "Wouldn't you like something to drink before you leave?"

"Oh, not for me, dear," Beverly said, smiling.

"No, thank you, Leonard," Mary replied, in a flat voice. "I hope to avoid having to urinate before reaching my connecting flight."

"Alright," Leonard said distractedly, then stood and went to the apartment door. "I'll be right back," he said. He went across the hall to knock on Penny's door. She answered a few moments later. "Any word?" he asked anxiously.

"Nothing," Penny shook her head. "She's cutting this one pretty close."

"You're telling me!" Leonard agreed feelingly. "Though, to be honest, I wouldn't mind if my mother was like this all the time…"

Penny chuckled. "I don't think Mary's boyfriend in Texas would feel the same way, do you?"

"Much less Sheldon," Leonard agreed, grinning. "He's been pretty quiet this past week. I think he's in shock."

"Well, I just hope we can put your moms back the way they were," Penny said sympathetically. "It's been weird watching Sheldon act so—so…"

"So much like I did every time my mother's visited in the past?" Leonard asked, pointedly.

Penny thought about that for a second. "Well, yeah," she agreed. "You never were very happy when you knew she was coming here."

"Well, now you know why."

Penny glanced at her watch. "Isn't it about time to get going to the airport?" she asked.

"Yes." Leonard rubbed his forehead, trying to forestall a headache. "Keep trying to reach Endora. I'm going back to try and stall some more." Penny leaned forward, giving him a quick kiss, and Leonard went back to his apartment.

She closed the door and looked up at the ceiling. "Endora, I know you're listening! Stop ignoring me and come fix the mess you made!"

Still no reply from Endora—not even a cackle of evil laughter from the old witch. "Please?" Penny added, trying a bit of honey rather than vinegar.

Endora appeared, stretched out languidly across the back of Penny's sofa. "I thought you'd never use the magic word, my dear," she said, smiling at her step-granddaughter. She vanished again, appearing a moment later standing upright, dressed in what appeared to be the latest Paris fashion for women over 500. "I just flew in from Hong Kong," she said innocently. "And I heard you were looking for me. What seems to be the problem?"

"You know very well what the problem is," Penny scolded her. "You promised me you wouldn't do anything to Leonard and Sheldon's mothers before you left, but their personalities have been switched for the past week!"

"They are?" Endora looked surprised. She thought for a moment. "Well, now that you mention it, I did cast a small spell before I left. Let's see, what was it…?"

"Endora," Penny said dangerously. "Don't play cute with me or I'll tell Maurice on you!"

Endora's expression immediately changed. "Spoilsport!" she huffed. "You don't have to bring that man into this—I'll take care of it!"

"Good!" Penny said emphatically, pointing toward Leonard and Sheldon's apartment. "They're both across the hall. Go!"

"Penny, you're really getting to be a drag," Endora said sullenly and disappeared. She reappeared a few seconds later. "It's taken care of," she said sourly. "I hope you're happy."

"I am," Penny nodded. "I think I'll go say goodbye to them, now. And goodbye to you, too, Endora." She leaned over and pecked her on the cheek.

"Hmph," Endora snorted, then waved a hand and disappeared.

Penny smiled, feeling like she'd won a small victory with that round, and walked out of her apartment. At the same time Leonard and Sheldon were walking out of theirs, followed by Beverly and Mary.

Beverly's expression was back to her normal neutral frown, while Mary was smiling happily again, though there was a tear of sadness in her eye from leaving her baby again.

"Oh, hi," Leonard said to Penny, smiling. "Everything's back to normal again," he added. "We're on our way to the airport. You want to come along?"

"Sure," Penny said, joining the group as they began walking down the stairs. "So, how did you enjoy your stay here?" she asked Mary Cooper. Even though Mary had spent the last week sharing Penny's apartment at night, she hadn't said much to Penny while she was in "Beverly" mode.

"Oh, it was fine, dear!" Mary replied happily. "I'm just so sorry I didn't see more of Shelly while I was here! Why was that, Shelly?" she asked her son.

"I don't know, Mom," Sheldon replied, though he very well did; it was just he couldn't say anything about Penny and her relatives being witches without his mother freaking out and going all "witch hunter" on her.

"Well, the next time I'm here," Mary said sternly. "Don't be such a stranger to your mother."

"I won't, Mom," Sheldon sighed, really wishing he could say something. This being blamed for something he had no control over was getting old really fast.

"I hope not," Mary continued. "I thought you'd want some of my famous fried chicken this time, but you never asked!"

"Awwww…!" Sheldon muttered.

"And I made a pecan pie over at Penny's the other day, but she and I ate the whole thing before you ever came over for a slice."

"Awwwwww…!"

"Well, it's your own fault, Shelly, for ignoring your mother!"

"…Mother, I think there's something you need to know—"

"Sheldon wasn't feeling well that night," Leonard quickly interjected, before Sheldon could give away Penny's secret. "His chest felt a little congested."

"Really? You should have told me, Shelly—I would have come over and put Vapo-Rub on your chest."

"Awwwwwwww!"

-=o=-

A few weeks later—
Penny was alone in her apartment, having left work early that day. Her face was in her hands, and she was quietly sobbing when the door opened and Leonard looked inside. "Hey, hey," he said softly, hurrying over to sit next to her, putting his arm around her shoulder. "Penny, what's wrong?"

"I think I did something terrible," Penny said, looking up at him with reddened eyes. She pulled a tissue from a box on the coffee table and wiped her nose.

"I think I know what this is about," Leonard said, rubbing her back gently. "It's okay hon—Sheldon's gotten over you telling everyone when his birthday was."

Penny shook her head. "It's not that. You remember the potion I gave Mrs. Wolowitz that made her lose all that weight?"

"Yeah," Leonard said uncertainly, not sure where this was going.

"Well, I read in the Book of Magic that some potions can have unexpected side effects on mortals, possibly even dangerous ones. The potion I gave her was to help witches lose weight, but I didn't know that at the time! What if that's what made her fall asleep and not wake up? That would mean I killed her!" This set off a fresh round of sobs.

"Penny," Leonard said. "Mrs. Wolowitz took that potion back at Thanksgiving, it's been almost three months since then. If she was going to fall asleep and not wake up because of that potion, it probably would have happened before now," he explained. "The amount of time between the two events makes it unlikely they're correlated."

"Maybe," Penny sniffed. "I'm not really sure what you said just now, but…" She managed a small smile. "Thank you for explaining it to me, honey."

"Come here," Leonard said, and hugged her tightly.

When she sat back, Penny asked, "Is that why you never ask me to do magic for you, because you're afraid something bad will happen?"

"No," Leonard said. "It's because I'm happy just being with you."

"Awww," Penny gave him a genuinely happy smile that time. "Thank you, sweetie."

"You're welcome," Leonard said, hugging her again. "Wanna fool around tonight?" he said in her ear.

"Maybe," she said, then smiled as she thought of something. "On one condition," she added.

"What's that?" Leonard asked, smiling but a little concerned.

Penny leaned close to his ear. "I want to try a three-way tonight."

Leonard's eyes widened in shock. "What? Are you serious?!"

"Sure," Penny said.

"With who?" Leonard asked, beginning to look interested.

"Amy," Penny said at once. Leonard shuddered all over at that thought.

"Gotcha," Penny laughed. "I was just kidding about Amy."

"I was thinking more along the lines of—" Leonard started to say, but Penny cut him off.

"Don't get any bright ideas, smart guy," she warned him. "Just watch." She snapped her fingers. An identical copy of Penny appeared on the other side of Leonard, wrapping her arms around his neck. Leonard turned, looking at Penny's doppelganger in surprise, then back at her.

"Wow," he said, nearly speechless. "I don't know," he murmured. "I may not survive the two of you."

"Well, at least you'll die happy," Penny One said.

"And if you don't, we can go for a third me," Penny Two added.

"Kinky!" Leonard squeaked.

-=o=-

A/N: It's been a while since I've updated, but I'm glad to get back to this story.