Poison left after I played him a couple more songs. He had asked me how Gale was. Somehow everyone now knew about the whipping. I told him he should be fine, but I should probably go check on him. And it wasn't a lie. My hand reached for my still slightly damp coat and thick boots before I headed out towards Peeta's house. I was beginning to dread the fact that I would have to knock on the door, but the possibility that it might not be Peeta answering made me braver.
But do I really want Katniss opening the door after she basically told me she was running away from Peeta?
I took a deep breath and tried to find the courage to make things okay. This was the start. I raised my hand and knocked on the door twice. I heard quick footsteps, as if someone was running to get to the door. Peeta threw open the door with a wild look in his eyes. When he saw me standing there, his back straightened up a little. His eyes darted behind him, but then they focused on me.
"Hey," I said weakly.
Suddenly, I realized that I wasn't here to see Gale. I came to see him. His eyes seemed a duller blue than normal, and the circles under his eyes were darker. He looked drained; I had to fight the urge to set my hand on his face.
"Hey," he replied. I didn't say anything in return. Peeta stared at me, standing in his doorway in my damp coat, and asked, "Are you here to see Gale?"
I nodded and muttered, "Uh huh."
Peeta moved to the side to let me in the house. My arm brushed against his chest as I passed him in the doorway, giving it goosebumps, even under all the coat fabric. I crossed my arms as I walked into the dining room. I saw Mrs. Everdeen and Prim setting a cloth over Gale's back. They then covered the cloth with tinted-green snow.
"It's a snow coat. They say it should cool down the skin or something," Peeta tried to explain. I felt him behind me, his chest almost touching my back. I wanted him to reach his arms around me and pull me in for a hug. I wanted to tell him about Katniss. But what if he already knew? I turned to ask him but saw his eyes were still looking up the stairs.
"Did I interrupt you from something?" I asked, suddenly realizing Katniss wasn't there. I desperately wanted to ask if Katniss was up there waiting for him. His eyes returned to me, and he blushed.
"Um… yes. Yes, you did," he said. He started giving me a shy smile for some reason. I felt my stomach drop. My words had worked on Katniss. They were up there together, weren't they? Doing who knows what? I started to panic inside but tried to keep my cool on the outside.
"What... what were you doing?" I stammered out in a small voice. A million possibilities ran through my head. But the one thought that ran through my head most was that I felt betrayed. I thought after all this time, I would finally realize he didn't love me and never would. But there was always betrayal. And as I looked Peeta in the eye, I knew there would always be love too. Peeta's face leaned towards mine.
"Wanna see?" he whispered. I paused.
I could see.
"If you… want me to," I stuttered.
"Only if I can ask you a question after I show you. Any question," he stated. What could he have possibly wanted to ask me? I bet he was going to ask what I said to Katniss to make her upset. I gave a reluctant nod, and Peeta led me up the stairs. I didn't say anything as he did. I didn't know where we currently stood. Were we friends?
Did I want to be friends anymore? I paused for a minute on the stairs, let go of his hand, and closed my eyes. Yes.
"I did have a purpose for coming here," I said as I continued walking up the stairs. It was for Peeta, not Gale. I just wanted to see him. And I wanted to talk to him. I wanted everything that happened between us in the Games to be forgotten. I just wanted him to talk to me like he used to. Like when we were on the train, just messing around before feelings cluttered everything.
"To see me, of course," he replied, looking back at me to smirk. I found myself dramatically rolling my eyes.
"Oh yeah. Of course," I said sarcastically. Peeta turned back to smile at me, a large toothy smile. When he turned back around, he gave a laugh.
"What?" I asked, smiling to myself. His laugh. I hadn't heard it in a long time. I suddenly hated myself for ever trying to forget Peeta Mellark.
"It's just… I've missed you."
My eyes widened. My breaths stopped coming. I gulped down my surprise.
"I've missed you, too," I found myself whispering. Peeta laughed.
"Funny how you can miss someone you just saw a couple of days ago," he said. I shook my head.
"I just feel different now. Or maybe I've changed back to who I was. I don't know who I am. But I know that I've missed you, Peeta," I spat out. To my surprise, Peeta didn't turn around to stop me from saying this. His shoulders didn't scrunch up awkwardly. Instead, once he reached the landing to the upstairs, he turned to face me with another smirk on his face.
"So, I am the reason you came," he reasoned. I gave him a coy smile.
"Only part of it," I answered.
"Will I ever learn the other reason?" he asked.
"Maybe," was all I said. Little did he know, both reasons were actually about him. I wanted to see Peeta. But… I also needed to tell him about Gale.
I was just beginning to forget all the death from the Games and the unrest. I was beginning to feel like the Ivy from before the Games again. And I felt like Peeta and I were our old selves; I truly did miss him. I missed loving him secretly while he didn't know how I felt.
"Okay, promise me you won't laugh or make fun or anything."
"I promise," I crossed my heart. He gave a scared smile to me.
"I haven't shown anyone yet," Peeta grinned. So it wasn't Katniss in there? Who, or what, was? Peeta was wringing his hands. I noticed how he had said yet meaning he was probably going to show Katniss later. I shoved my hurt feelings back down and returned his smile.
"Okay. Just let me see already!" I exclaimed. Peeta reached forward and grabbed my hand. I looked up at him with an encouraging smile. I really was excited to see whatever he was doing, but mostly I was excited he had decided to show me first. Peeta's face was a mix of fear and nervousness. He gulped and pushed open the door we were standing in front of.
I took one step forward, before my legs went out from under me. My first reaction was to start crying. As I fell to the floor, one hand covered my mouth and my other hand reached out towards a canvas.
"I'm so sorry," Peeta croaked out from behind me. My head fell down.
It was a painting. It was Rue's peaceful face in death, painted in perfect detail. My hand sat where her wound was. I started to bite on my fingers, trying to stop a sob from erupting. I thought I had forgotten the death and moved on. I thought maybe I could be the old me. I wasn't ever meant to be a victor of the Hunger Games, because only the strongest survive. And I was weak.
"Rue," I choked out softly. Peeta grabbed my arm.
"I shouldn't have showed you them. They're not that good anyways," he muttered, rubbing his neck with his hand nervously. I turned to face him completely, and as I turned, I grabbed both his arms.
"No! No, please, show me the rest," I said, sniffing. They weren't bad; they were terrifying. Peeta showed me paintings of him with the Careers, his fight with Clove, the Feast, and the Bloodbath. Then he brought forward a picture of me. It was a picture of my profile with the sun shining like a halo around my head. I shook my head.
"I'm sorry," he apologized immediately. "It…"
"It's too pretty," I interrupted bluntly. He made me look beautiful. I had long golden hair flowing down my back. My nose had a perfect curve; my skin was clear. And my eyes were big and such a bright green.
"I was going to say it doesn't do you justice," he said. My heart pounded in my chest.
How do I respond? What can I say?
Peeta averted his gaze. Not wanting anything to end, I pointed to the corner of the room. "What's that one?"
Peeta hung his head lower. "It's the reaping," he mumbled.
"Can I see?" I asked. He nodded, stood up, and grabbed the picture. He brought it over to me, slowly handing it over for me to look at. It was Katniss running forward to volunteer for Prim. If I thought my portrait was pretty, Katniss's was ten times more gorgeous. The most striking part of the picture was her eyes. They were desperate and fierce.
Peeta showed me more. Haymitch drunk. Effie sitting at dinner during our training days. Cinna and Portia watching the chariots. The Avox.
But after each one, my eyes moved back to the painting of Rue. I was angry with myself for not thinking about her more. Of course I had the nightmares, but I never grieved for her. She deserved better, but then again, I didn't want to remember. Maybe that was why I never mourned Rue. Because it would mean I would never move on.
I thought Peeta had brought out all the paintings he had, but then he brought out another stack. He set them gently into my arms, looking nervous and embarrassed.
I expected them to be Katniss. But they were all of me. Me everywhere. The cave. At the Cornucopia. In the tree. Looking at my leg. Lying over Rue's body.
"What do you think?" he murmured, not wanting to interrupt me. I saw that my eyes had turned back to Rue's painting. My hand reached up and stroked her hair that was painted on the canvas.
"They're terrible. And beautiful. How do you remember?"
"Dreams and nightmares," he stated simply.
"Me too," I said with a nod. Peeta got up from his crouch next to me on the floor and sat on a bed. This must've been the bedroom. His paintings were taking over his sleeping space. But he did tell me on the train that he didn't sleep much. Glancing quickly at the dark circles under his eyes, I could see that must be true.
"I wake up after having one, and I paint."
"I wake up after having one, and I break things," I said in a distant tone. He gave a small laugh, and I did too.
"So," Peeta said, "you promised that I could ask you any question." My heart fluttered.
"Yes, I did," I breathed. I stood up awkwardly in the middle of the room. Peeta looked at me and then patted the bed next to him. I slowly moved and sat next to him. My hands were grasping at my pants fabric nervously.
"I can ask… anything?" he mumbled softly. I heard his voice vibrate in my ear, and a shiver ran up my spine. I fought the urge to let my back arch from the shiver.
"Choose wisely," I responded.
He chuckled, but then got quiet. "I've wanted to ask you this for a long time…"
"That's just a little scary," I interrupted.
"Can you be serious for one minute?" he asked like he was talking to a child. I turned back to Peeta with raised eyebrows.
"Okay. Fine. Let's be serious," I said. My whole body was facing Peeta. His hands were clasped in his lap, and he looked down at them.
"Was it all true, all the stuff from the Games? And is it still?" he asked quietly.
I didn't promise to answer his question. I could avoid this whole thing by cheating!
But I owed it to him. He had forgiven me countless times and never asked for much in return.
"It was all true."
"Is it still?" he persisted. I wondered why he wanted to know.
"I said one question," I mumbled sadly. Peeta looked surprised and annoyed with me.
"Is it still?" he asked once more. I didn't want to answer him.
"I did have another reason for coming here," I said, biting my lip. It was a lame attempt to change subjects, and I didn't expect it to work.
"What does that have to do with this?"
I squeezed my eyes shut and balled my hands up into fists. Once I felt tense, I let it all go. I felt light and ready to tell him.
"Gale and I kissed," I breathed. Peeta's eyes widened. I immediately regretted how it came out. I should've said Gale had kissed me.
"Oh," he whispered. He was suddenly very interested in a string on his sweater.
"And… I kind of… liked it," I said, just realizing it for myself. Gale wasn't completely bad and kissing him wasn't not enjoyable. I was starved for human interaction at the time, and Gale must've been too. I wanted to tell Peeta that Gale didn't like me, because he was running away with Katniss. But I couldn't say it; my mouth was suddenly sealed shut.
"Oh," Peeta repeated, louder this time.
"Why do you sound accusing?" I asked, getting defensive of myself.
"I don't know. I just thought you still…"
"I didn't kiss him. He kissed me," I pointed out loudly, immediately wanting to bury my face in my knees and hide from Peeta forever. But instead, I sat up straighter, not showing weakness.
"But you liked it?" he murmured out. Peeta's eyebrows furrowed; he was confused now. Not angry.
"You kissed Katniss," I said, completely ignoring his question. "Peeta, you have Katniss. How do you think it makes a person feel when they see the person they loved most in the world kissing someone else?" I blurted out before I could stop.
To my complete and utter surprise, Peeta blushed.
"You loved me most?" he asked. He tried to say it in a mocking tone, but I knew just wanted to know. I clenched my jaw, hating being manipulated. Now I knew how Peeta felt whenever he talked to me. This was unfair to me. He was making me more vulnerable. All of this could be used against me.
"Loved," I said harshly. "Past tense." But I still loved Peeta most. I really did.
"So, is that why you came? To tell me you have a new… new boyfriend?" He spat the word out.
"New? You and I weren't ever really together, were we?" I asked, trying to sound angry. I only sounded rejected.
"Well, then why did you come here, Ivy? Tell me why? Was it to check on Gale? Or to see me? I just don't understand," Peeta shouted.
"So that when we both get killed for faking a love, you know it's not just your damn fault!" I fumed. I stood up, ready to leave, when Peeta grabbed my hand.
"No!" he shouted, still in an angry tone. I ripped my hand out of his but didn't move. "Please. Don't go," he whispered in a small voice.
My shoulders fell. How could he do this to me again? Would he ever learn? "Are you really going to do this all again?"
"I don't know," Peeta muttered. "All I know is that the last time you left, I was sad."
I turned to face him. "Sad?" I sounded weak, and I was getting my hopes up again. I crossed my arms and didn't look at Peeta. I should leave before anything else happens. I should leave now. But my feet had a mind all their own.
"Whenever you leave after a fight or you leave for some reason I don't know, I get angry with myself," he said. I kept my chin pointed away from Peeta. I wanted to look at his face and see what he looked like right now.
Don't look, I thought to myself over and over again. My eyes shut. Looking at him would just make me forget everything.
"Did I say something wrong?" Peeta asked, his voice getting closer. I felt a hand grab mine. I shook my head to say no. His fingers tightened their grip on mine.
What did you feel? Jealousy? Hurt? Anger? Betrayal?
"What do you feel?" I asked. I felt Peeta's hand touch my cheek, and my eyelids closed tighter.
"Hurt," he admitted.
"I didn't want Gale to kiss me," I muttered, my head lowering itself, eyes still squeezed shut. There was silence.
Suddenly, there was a soft pressure on my lips. My eyes shot open to see Peeta gently pressing his lips against mine.