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Episode Twelve
The Brainiac Infusion
Updated 5/15/2015
=ooo=
Penny and Leonard on the road to Las Vegas—
"So, where do you think we should get married?" Leonard asked, watching Penny apprehensively from the corner of his eye.
"I don't know," Penny said, in a flat tone. She looked at him. "Maybe you have something you've been meaning to tell me about that."
"No," Leonard muttered. Telling her about the kissing incident from the North Sea expedition had not been a good idea. He should have known better. But he was trying to be honest here…
"Look," Leonard said. "I'm sorry. I was wrong. I shouldn't have put my guilt ahead of our happiness together."
"You shouldn't have been kissing some woman in the first place," Penny retorted.
"That too," Leonard quickly agreed. "But it's in the past, it'll never happen again, and this is the beginning of a very long and happy marriage. That's what we should focus on, right?"
Penny was silent for a while. Then, "Right." She looked at him and finally, she smiled. "I do love you, Leonard," she said. "It's taken me a long time to really figure that out. But I do."
"Good," Leonard smiled. "Remember those last two words when we find a chapel."
Penny looked around as they drove into Las Vegas. "I see several chapels around here. Let's just pick one."
"Okay," Leonard agreed. He took a deep breath. "This is finally going to happen!" he said excitedly.
"I know!" Penny gleefully agreed. "Look! How about that one, it's a nice-looking place!"
They pulled into the parking lot Penny had pointed at. The lot was over half-filled with cars—apparently a lot of people were getting married tonight—and went inside.
The waiting room was filled with people waiting their turn. Leonard and Penny looked around for someplace to sit, but there were no empty seats next to each other. They went up to the desk and registered, then found a chair at the end of a row near the door where Penny could sit, with Leonard standing beside her.
Penny looked up at him, smiling happily now that they were ready to commit. "No regrets," she said, reminding him of their new beginning tonight.
"No regrets," Leonard nodded. "Nothing could make me change my mind now."
"Hey, guys!" an agonizingly familiar voice rang out. "Long time no see!"
Leonard and Penny both turned, openmouthed, to see Zack Johnson and a young woman walking arm-in-arm toward them. "What are you two doing here?" Zack asked, stopping in front of them. It was clear both he and the girl with him had had too much to drink—both of them were swaying slightly.
"Um," Leonard answered, "Well—what—what are you doing here, Zack?"
"Oh, me and Mindy were in Vegas for the week and we decided it would be a hoot to have a fake wedding. Oh, hey," he said, remembering his manners. "This is Mindy, by the way. I met her at the Cheesecake Factory a month ago."
"Hi!" Mindy said brightly. "I remember you!" she said to Penny. "I took your place when you quit work."
"Apparently she took your place in more ways than one," Leonard murmured.
"Shut up," Penny muttered back.
"Are you guys getting a fake wedding, too?" Mindy asked. "Boy, it was a riot!"
Penny and Leonard looked at each other. "Zack," Penny said. "We told you these weddings are real. Don't you remember from when you and I got married?"
"You two are married?" Mindy gasped. She whirled on Zack. "You told me your ex was married to someone else!"
"Did I?" Zack wondered. "I thought I said they were engaged."
"Zack," Leonard tried again. "Mindy, listen to us. This is a real wedding chapel. It does not perform fake ceremonies. You two are really married now."
Mindy looked at Zack. "I thought you said, if Elvis wasn't real, neither was the wedding!"
Zack looked chagrined. "I thought you said that."
"That doesn't make any difference!" Leonard said loudly. "You may want to think about this a bit more when you sober up."
Zack looked at Mindy and smiled. "I dunno, I think Mindy here is a real catch. She's really smart, and she's got big plans for the future."
Mindy smiled at the praise. "I'm an actress," she said, smiling at Penny. "I'm going to be a big movie star six months from now."
"Working at the Cheesecake Factory and going to be a movie star," Penny reiterated. "Sounds like a plan," she added, sarcastically.
"I know!" Mindy agreed, missing the sarcasm. "I'm so excited!"
"Well," Zack said, giving Mindy a side-hug. "We better get going—we don't want to miss the midnight buffet at our hotel. It's free with the room!"
"Okay," Leonard said, stepping aside to let them out the door. He and Penny both stared after them as they left. "So," he said, looking back at Penny. "Any regrets now?"
Penny stood. "Let's go home, Leonard," she said, then walked out the door and back to their car, Leonard following her.
=ooo=
The following evening, Friday night—
The Friday before Mother's Day found most of the group gathered in Leonard and Sheldon's apartment having Chinese food from Golden Dragon, as was usual.
Sheldon occupied his spot on the couch, eating Kung Pao chicken and chow mein. Bernadette and Howard were seated next to him, both having huí guō ròu, or twice-cooked pork. Penny was sitting in Leonard's usual chair trying something new: mapo tofu, tofu with a spicy sauce and slices of beef mixed in. Raj was sitting in the chair facing Sheldon having Chicken McNuggets, as he'd decided Sichuan-style Chinese didn't agree with him. As usual, Emily had decided not to come with him tonight since Penny was there, and he was seeing her later for a date. Amy, strangely, wasn't present but Sheldon hadn't mentioned yet why she wasn't there.
Leonard was sitting at the table he and Penny had purchased a year ago, typing furiously on his laptop as he picked at the chicken he was eating. Penny finally looked over at him. Ever since they got back from Vegas the night before he'd been working on his computer. In fact, he'd spent a lot of his spare time over the past few weeks working on stuff, telling Penny he'd had some ideas and were getting them down on paper so he could mull them over and see what came of them. "Leonard," Penny called to him. "Are you sure you don't want to join us for dinner?"
"I'm fine," Leonard said distractedly, still typing. Penny sighed and went back to her tofu.
Howard picked up on the sigh as well as Leonard's desire to work rather than socialize. "Trouble in paradise for the two lovebirds?"
"They tried to get married last night," Sheldon said, not looking up from his Kung Pao chicken.
"What?!" Howard, Bernadette and Raj all exclaimed. "What happened?!" They all turned to Penny.
Penny looked a little taken aback by the sudden attention. "We decided to wait a while longer. No big deal," she added, waving her fork dismissively.
"You were just going to elope?" Bernadette asked, dumbfounded. "Without telling any of us?!"
"We did think about it," Penny replied, defensively. "But we realized it would be a big deal for everyone and we just wanted to get it over with."
Leonard turned and looked at her. "Right. That's how we ought to remember it," he muttered. "We wanted to—" he made air quotes "'get it over with,' unquote."
"You know what I mean," Penny snapped. "We thought we were ready."
"Clearly, you weren't," Sheldon muttered, eyes still on his food. He still wouldn't look at anyone.
"What changed your minds?" Raj asked Penny.
Penny looked like she didn't want to say, but answered. "We saw Zack at the chapel in Vegas."
Howard and Bernadette looked at each other. "You mean your ex-husband, Zack Johnson?" Bernadette said. "Oooooo—" they both began.
"Yeah, that Zack Johnson," Penny snapped cutting them off. "He and some bimbo from the Cheesecake Factory just got married."
"Weren't you working at the Cheesecake Factory when you two got married?" Howard inquired, knowing she had been. "Oooooo!" they both squealed again.
"At least they got married," Sheldon said, as if speaking to himself. "At least she didn't tell him things were too difficult for her to deal with and she had to take some time away from him before she could decide what to do."
Everyone was looking quizzically at Sheldon—even Leonard, who had paused in his typing. "Is there something you want to tell us about Amy, buddy?" he asked.
Sheldon looked up. His face had that I'm-about-to-blow-up-the-planet look on it. "Amy wants some time away from me, to think about our relationship. I don't know when I'll see her again, or if I'll see her again."
"Oh, no," Bernadette gasped.
"Sorry to hear that, Sheldon," Raj said.
"I'm sorry, buddy." Leonard got up and walked over to where Sheldon was sitting, putting his hand on Sheldon's shoulder for support.
"I'm sorry, too, Sheldon," Howard said, really, really trying to mean it.
Penny put down her food then leaned over and hugged Sheldon. "I'm so sorry, sweetie," she said to him. She looked him in the eye. "Amy loves you. I'm sure she'll be back."
"I hope so," Sheldon said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a jewelry box. "I still don't know what I'm going to do with this." He opened the box, revealing an exquisite engagement ring. Everyone stared, openmouthed, at it and Sheldon.
=ooo=
"Did you know about that ring?" Penny asked Leonard later, in her apartment.
"Not a clue," Leonard shook his head, still typing. "But it's no wonder now Sheldon was pressuring us about getting married, if he was thinking about asking Amy."
After Sheldon's ring revelation, everyone had broken off into focus groups to discuss the events of the day, as Penny had tried to joke earlier. Actually, Bernadette and Howard said they were going to look at some new furniture for Stuart, and Raj told them that he and Emily were going to try and see the new Avengers movie later that night. Either that, he said, or find a funeral home where they could have sex.
Leonard and Penny had retreated to the relative safety of her apartment, though Leonard had brought his laptop with him again. Leonard kept his computer with him almost constantly for the past few weeks, typing on it at odd moments when he and Penny weren't otherwise engaged. He was typing on it now, though Penny wanted to talk about the failed Shamy engagement.
Briefly she considering making the damn thing vanish, if only to get Leonard's attention. But she resisted the impulse and instead went with curiosity. Leonard always responded to that.
"What are you working on?" she asked.
Leonard looked around at her, beaming at the question. "I'm working on the algebraic topology of non-singular complex algebraics and sub-varieties of them. I'm trying to show that if X is a non-singular complex projective manifold, then every Hodge class on X is a linear combination with rational coefficients of the cohomology classes of complex subvarieties of X."
"Yeah," Penny nodded knowingly. "That's what I thought you were doing. Do you want to stop for a while so we can discuss some other stuff?"
Leonard looked a little surprised, then shut his laptop. "Sorry," he apologized. "I thought we were going to give the wedding thing a rest."
"Not our wedding," Penny snapped. "Sheldon and Amy's!"
"Oh, yeah." Leonard looked like he was just now considering it. "Well, there may not be one now—"
"I know that, Brainiac!" Penny exploded. "That's the problem! Amy and Sheldon have been together for five years! She told me and Bernadette that within five years of their first date she planned on her and Sheldon being married! You know that's a long time to go without making some kind of commitment!"
"It took us seven years to make a commitment," Leonard pointed out.
Penny frowned. "But we weren't together the first two," she countered. "So we're right on schedule."
Leonard put on a wry smile. "So you had a five-year plan, too?" he asked.
"No, but it sounded reasonable just now!" Penny waved her hands, trying to dismiss her previous statements.
At that moment more trouble arrived. Knock-knock-knock. "Leonard and Penny," Sheldon's voice came from the other side of the door. He didn't sound very good. Penny sighed and walked to the door as Sheldon knocked and asked for them two more times. She opened the door and looked at Sheldon standing there, a hangdog expression on his face. "Hi sweetie," she said sympathetically. "How are you doing?"
"I could be better," Sheldon replied. "But that's not what I've come over for. I'd like to talk to Leonard."
"What is it, Sheldon?" Leonard asked, putting his laptop on the coffee table and standing.
Sheldon stepped into the apartment. "I was online just now and I saw that you had submitted several papers for publication in Physical Review D, including a paper on the search for gamma-ray emissions from extragalactic dark matter annihilations using the Fermi Large Area Telescope."
"I did," Leonard nodded.
"I read the articles," Sheldon continued. "They were well written and provided a good qualitative methodology for performing similar experiments, and I have a question."
"Shoot."
"What are you trying to pull here?!" Sheldon demanded, hands on his hips.
"What do you mean?" Leonard asked, surprised by Sheldon's remark. "I had an idea and I submitted it for review."
"The level of math in that article was clearly beyond you," Sheldon declared. "You've been collaborating with someone else, haven't you?!"
Leonard just stared at him, openmouthed.
"So who have you been cheating on me with?" Sheldon demanded. "Was it Saul Perlmutter? Or Barry Kripke? I'll bet it was Kripke! After he got his claws into Amy you were only a matter of time!"
"Sheldon! Nobody's been helping me with those papers!" Leonard said firmly. "I'm doing it all on my own."
"He's doing it right now," Penny added. "He's been working on another paper all night."
"Really?" Sheldon looked at Leonard, folding his arms across his chest. "What's this one about?"
"I'll show you," Leonard said, retrieving his laptop. "It's almost done." He brought up the document and handed his computer to Sheldon. "Here."
"Wait a minute," Sheldon was eyeing Leonard's work suspiciously. "It looks here like someone's trying to prove Hodge's conjecture."
"What's that?" Penny asked. "It sounds like a disease."
"Hodge's conjecture," Sheldon explained, "is a major unsolved problem in algebraic geometry that relates the algebraic topology of a non-singular complex algebraic variety and the sub-varieties of that variety. It was formulated by the Scottish mathematician William Hodge as a result of a work in between 1930 and 1940 to enrich the description of de Rham cohomology to include extra structure that is present in the case of complex algebraic varieties."
"More jibber jabber," Penny complained.
Sheldon looked at Leonard, annoyed. "More importantly, the Hodge conjecture is one of the Millennium Prize Problems, offering one million dollars to whomever can prove or disprove the conjecture."
"A million dollars?!" Penny gasped. "Wow, that's a lot of money just to solve a math problem!"
"More importantly," Sheldon went on, eyeing Leonard with evident displeasure. "Proving the conjecture would be of major significance to further string theory research. Leonard, why are you working on proving a conjecture for a field of inquiry I've long since abandoned in favor of dark matter study? And most importantly of all, what makes you, of all people, think you have the requisite mathematics knowledge to solve that problem?"
"What difference does that make?" Leonard asked, stiffly. He looked annoyed that Sheldon had, once again, disparaged his ability to do higher math. "It's true I needed your help on the paper we worked on together a few months ago, but I've been doing some additional studying lately and I think I can handle this."
"Leonard," Penny asked, suddenly realizing something. "This isn't about the money, is it?"
"No," Leonard said immediately. "Well, yes, it's about the money," he admitted, walking back over to sit down on the couch. "I mean, a million dollars isn't anything to sneeze at—"
"Although money can contaminated with all sorts of dirt and allergens," Sheldon noted. "A dollar bill has an average of—"
"Not what I meant, Sheldon," Leonard snapped, cutting him off. He looked at Penny. "It's just—I realize I haven't done a very good job of providing for my—for our future, and if I can solve this problem that money will go a long way toward providing for us in our old age."
Penny didn't want to get into the old age thing again—it was too gross to think about. Instead, she went with "That's very mature of you, Leonard. It's just like I realized when I went to that audition for Clerks 3 and realized I'm not really into the acting scene anymore." She sat down next to him and took his hand. "Even though I kind of owned your ass about going to the audition in the first place."
"Yeah." Leonard took her remark well, squeezing her hand playfully. "Thanks for reminding me of that." He looked at Sheldon. "Do you think you can at least be happy I'm trying to stretch myself a bit, Sheldon?"
"I can try," Sheldon said, shrugging. "But it seems unlikely, given present circumstances," he added in a mournful tone.
"Oh, I know, sweetie," Penny said sadly. "I'm so sorry!" She suddenly reached out and hugged Sheldon.
"Oh, okay," Sheldon said, accepting the hug even though he wanted to pull away from the embrace. It reminded him too much of Amy. Penny let go of him. "I'm going to go now," he said to them. "I have some thinking to do."
"See you, Sheldon," Leonard said, as his friend wandered back to their apartment. Penny shut her door, looking very unhappy for Sheldon.
"Do you think he'll be okay?" she asked Leonard.
"I hope so," Leonard said. He smiled. "Who knows, a blue fairy may show up and turn him into a real boy."
"Hmm," Penny murmured, both amused and saddened by Leonard's remark. "I hope so. After all this time, I think he deserves it."
=ooo=
Later that evening, in Leonard and Sheldon's apartment—
Sheldon walked into the darkened kitchen and opened the refrigerator, getting himself a bottle of water. He was having trouble getting to sleep and thought some cool water, followed up with a refreshing urination, would calm his mind a bit. It didn't seem likely, however—no amount of urination was going to salve his hurt over losing Amy, who had taken a "break" from him because of her inability to comprehend that he was right about taking their relationship very slowly.
He opened the bottle and took a sip (very slowly, in keeping with his new paradigm). His laptop sitting on his desk caught his eye. He was still thinking about the papers Leonard was writing without his help. Another person who just didn't realize how important Sheldon was in their daily life. It was sad both Amy and Leonard just didn't realize that about themselves.
Sheldon put down the bottle of water and walked (very slowly) over to his desk. He typed in Leonard's name into a search engine for scholarly articles. A number of entries rolled across the screen, and he leaned down, reading them.
"Hmm," he muttered. "Those aren't about Hodge's conjecture." He selected one of the articles and read the title: A Directed Proof of the Riemann Hypothesis Using Hofstadter's Function.
What? This was even more puzzling to Sheldon! Was Leonard trying to write a paper on yet another Millennium Prize problem? Sheldon brought up other articles from the search—there were articles from Leonard on several other unsolved Millennium problems: the Yang–Mills existence and mass gap, Navier–Stokes existence and smoothness, and the Birch and Swinnerton-Dyer conjecture. "Oh, Leonard," Sheldon murmured sadly, "you have no idea how little chance you have of solving even one of these problems… You obviously need my help," Sheldon muttered. He sat down, calling up one of the articles so he could begin poking holes in the math.
But there were no holes. Sheldon switched to another article. Then another. And another. In each case, Leonard's analyses were perfect. It was baffling. If no one was helping him, as he insisted, how could Leonard's math have improved so much, so quickly—
The answer came in a blinding flash of the obvious. Sheldon sat back unhappily. "He's gotten Penny to cast a spell on him, to make him smarter!" he realized. "Those are my Nobel Prizes Leonard is stealing from me! Oh, no, this is intolerable!"
Sheldon stood, staring toward the door where, across the hall, Leonard and Penny were probably laughing at him that very moment! "Well," he vowed to himself. "We'll just see who has the last laugh!" He began typing furiously on his computer.
=ooo=
Saturday morning in Penny's apartment—
"Are you sure this isn't about the money?" Penny asked as she climbed back into bed beside Leonard with toasted bagels for both of them. Leonard was reading a book he'd brought from his apartment, with the rather unfathomable title, Cubical Homotopy Theory.
Leonard put the book down and took one of the bagels from her. "It's about taking charge of my life," he said. "I've spent too much time on things like comic books and video games and role-playing and Cosplay. The paper Sheldon and I co-wrote made me realize I could make significant contributions to science."
"Yeah, I get it," Penny nodded. "I want to use my witchcraft to make contributions to society, helping other people."
"Have you been thinking about that long?" Leonard asked, interested.
"Ever since Dad and I got back from the Eternal Realm, I've been really serious about it," Penny said. "Did you know that exposing a mortal to the Eternal Realm can make them into a witch or warlock?"
"Yes," Leonard said dryly. "That's what almost happened with me, remember? Except in my case it didn't quite work."
"I think you weren't there long enough," Penny explained. "I think it would be interesting if we could give other mortals witchcraft."
"Really?" Leonard looked at her oddly. "In spite of the fact that you were almost stripped of your powers and banished from the Eternal Realm for that very reason? Does that sound like a rational plan to you?"
"I know Daddy doesn't think so," Penny reported unhappily. "He thinks mortals will become corrupted by the power witchcraft will give them. But I didn't become corrupted when I became a witch, did I?"
"Because you're a very special person," Leonard told her, sincerely.
"Aw, thank you, sweetie!" Penny leaned over and kissed him. The kiss became deeper, and soon they were locked in a passionate embrace.
=ooo=
A little while later—
"So what was I saying?" Penny asked Leonard as they lay side by side, breathing heavily.
"You were thinking about how irrational it would be to bring mortals to the Eternal Realm so they could become magical."
"Nooo," Penny shook her head. "I'm pretty sure I was thinking it was a good idea." She turned to him with a frown. "What have you got against it, anyway? You can do wishcraft now!"
"Sometimes," Leonard corrected her. "But not consistently. And anyway, think about Sheldon with witchcraft," he suggested.
"Oh my God." Penny got a look of horror on her face. "Good point," she gulped.
"If Sheldon found out the Eternal Realm could make him a warlock you'd never hear the end of it," Leonard said. "In fact, I'm surprised he hasn't already told all of our friends you're a witch, to get everyone to start badgering you for stuff."
"Do you think they'd really do that?" Penny asked. "By the way, do you want something to drink with your bagel?"
"I could drink a little water," Leonard said. Penny nodded and waved a hand toward the kitchen. A few seconds later two bottles of water floated into the bedroom. "Thanks," Leonard said as one of the bottles floated over into his hand.
"I know Sheldon would," Leonard continued. "He wants to use magic to get a Nobel Prize for himself, that's how desperate for one he's become."
"What about that paper the two of you wrote?" Penny wondered, sipping at her bottle of water. "Could you get a Nobel Prize for that?"
Leonard was silent for a few moments. "I don't think so," he said at last. "It's an interesting hypothesis, but there's nothing really groundbreaking about it. The award we got was recognition enough."
"But now you're going after million dollar prizes," Penny pointed out. "I guess you wanted more than that award, huh?"
"Well, I do," Leonard said, honestly. "I want our future together to be something you and I both contribute to, both financially and emotionally."
Penny's eyes narrowed. "Are you saying I don't bring enough emotional commitment to this relationship, Leonard?"
"Um," Leonard looked at her, surprised. "No, I'm pretty sure I didn't say that."
"It sounded like you did," Penny retorted, accusingly. "You know, I think you're just jealous that I'm making more money than you are now, and that I'm being more mature than you are about my finances."
Leonard looked skeptical. "Well, based on your attitude right now, I wouldn't call what you're saying here very 'mature.'" Penny stared at him, openmouthed, as he opened his water bottle and started to drink.
A second later Leonard appeared in the hallway, in his shorts. "See?" he said loudly. "Now that wasn't very mature!" He tipped back the water bottle to drink. It disappeared from his hand.
"Great! Just great!" he said, then looked down at himself. "And where are my pants?!"
His pants appeared a moment later, dropping onto his head from above. "Thank you!" Leonard snapped, turning and stalking to his door only to find it locked. "You'd think I'd have learned by now not to say stuff like that," he muttered. "But noooo…" Sighing, he dug his key out of his pants pocket, unlocked the door and went inside.
At his desk, Sheldon turned to watch as Leonard entered. "Hello," he said.
"Hi," Leonard muttered, dropping his door key into the bowl. He gave Sheldon a long look. "You're not still mad about last night?" he asked, warily.
"You mean all of the papers you've written without my guidance or assistance?" Sheldon replied. "No, not at all."
"Good," Leonard nodded, staring toward the refrigerator to get some more water. He halted halfway there. "Er—why not?"
Sheldon stopped typing and looked at Leonard. "I just realized that, after all these years together, a lot of what I am has rubbed off on you, and vice versa."
"Well, thanks," Leonard smiled. The smile faltered. "I think." He walked over to Sheldon's desk. "What are you working on this morning?" He stared at the header of the article Sheldon was reading. It was one of the articles Leonard had written for Physical Review D. But there was something wrong—there, right under the title, was the name "Sheldon L. Cooper, B.S., M.S., M.A., Ph.D., Sc.D., next to the words "Lead Author."
"You hacked my articles and put your name on them?!" Leonard shouted at him. "Sheldon, you did not help me write those papers!"
"Of course I did," Sheldon declared. "For the past eight years you've been subjected to the fallout of my genius, much like Madam Curie was subjected to the radiation of the element radium, which she discovered. Only in your case it somehow managed not to kill you." A pause. "You're welcome."
"Sheldon," Leonard said firmly. "You are not leaving your name on my papers! Take them off immediately!"
Sheldon folded his arms stubbornly. "And what if I refuse?"
"Then—" Leonard paused, considering his options. Sheldon seemed adamant on being difficult about this. Time to pull out the big guns. "I'll—I'll tell your mother on you!"
"Go ahead," Sheldon said emotionlessly. "Amy's turned on me and left me. You've turned on me, writing papers that are clearly above your intelligence level. Penny's turned on me by not using her witchcraft to give me the Nobel Prizes I deserve. But my mother will always support me, no matter what. Unless you use Penny's magic to turn her against me like you did last time she was here!"
"That was Endora!" Leonard shouted. "She did that, not me or Penny!"
"But you let it go on for a whole week," Sheldon countered. "My mother ignored me because your mother had her personality, and she was nicer to you than she's ever been. And you liked that—admit it!"
"Alright," Leonard agreed. "I did like it. But you still can't just add your name to my papers! It's unethical!"
"How ethical was it for you to soak up all my brilliance over the past eight years then betray me by writing those papers!" Sheldon demanded. "Are you going to give me half the money if you win the Millennium Prize?"
Leonard thought for a moment. "What will you do if my papers turn out to be wrong? Are you willing to take half the blame?"
"I hadn't considered that," Sheldon said. He slumped, defeated. "Oh, all right. I'll take my name off of them. But if by some unlikely chance you win any Nobel Prizes from these papers, we're hanging them on the wall in my room!"
"Deal," Leonard said sourly, grabbing a water from the fridge and stalking off to his room.
Sheldon turned back to the PC, beginning the process of removing his name from each of the articles he'd changed. Although, he reminded himself, he hadn't promised not to put himself into any footnotes…
=ooo=
Late Saturday afternoon, Penny's apartment—
Penny sat on her couch, angrily drinking a glass of wine she'd conjured up. This was glass number…four? Maybe it was five. It didn't matter, she decided. What mattered was that Leonard was a jerk.
Well, kind of.
Their argument that morning had been a matter of opportunity on her part, to get him out of her hair and give her a chance to think about where their engagement was going. In retrospect, if she was honest with herself, seeing Zack and that airhead Mindy in Vegas the other night had been the best thing that could have happened to them.
Eight years ago, she could have been Mindy's twin.
She'd been young, then, and she had some pretty unrealistic dreams about what her future was going to be like. She was going to be discovered real soon now, all she needed was that one big break to get her exposed to the Hollywood scene.
But as year after year slipped by and no break came, her priorities had begun to change. Lasting friendships became more important than tawdry relationships, especially with guys who just wanted to spend some time with her then go back to their own lives with a smile on their faces and "teeth marks on their hineys," as Bernadette had once put it.
And through all that, there'd been Leonard. He'd stuck through everything she'd thrown at him: watching guys come and go from her apartment; going on two dates with him and rejecting him afterwards each time; then letting him go off on the Artic expedition without telling him how she was beginning to feel about him, because she was afraid he wouldn't go and then she wouldn't follow through on her feelings. But he'd gone, and she'd fallen for him over that summer.
And then she rejected him again, because she'd listened to Wil Wheaton's story about a girl stringing him along, and didn't want to do that to Leonard, because she was afraid of a real commitment with a guy like him. A nerd. Leonard even said he was a nerd! He was the King of Nerds! Penny smiled, remembering when he'd said that. He might be a nerd, but he was her nerd.
Her phone abruptly rang. Penny picked it up off the coffee table, glanced at the name of the person calling her, then frowned and answered it. "Hello?"
"Hey, Penny," the voice on the other end said. "This is Kevin Smith. You remember me?"
"Um, sure," Penny said, setting down her wine glass. "What's up?"
"Hey," Kevin said. "I noticed you didn't do a reading when auditions were being held, and I wanted to ask if there was a problem or if something happened to keep you from coming in that day?"
"Oh, no, nothing like that," Penny replied. "It's just—well, I'm not sure if I'm going to continue with acting or not…"
"I'm sorry to hear that," Kevin said, sounding disappointed. "Like I said, I really liked you in Serial Ape-ist 2 and I thought you had a lot of potential for Clerks 3, and I'd really like to see you read for it!"
Penny smiled to herself. Even if she wasn't going to continue with acting, it was nice to hear someone praising her. "Well, thank you," she said, beaming happily. "It's very nice of you to say, but I'm going to get married, you know, and I do like the work I'm doing now—"
"Well, tell you what," Kevin suggested. "Why don't you just come into my office on Monday and I'll show you some ideas I have for your role in the movie, and you can read some lines with me and we'll see what you think? No pressure on you, it'll be very relaxed and I can even take you somewhere to get a bite to eat afterwards, if you're hungry."
"Really?" Penny was positively beaming now. It sounded like Kevin Smith was really, really interested in having her in that movie! But still, she wasn't completely sure that was the right move. "Tell you what," she countered. "Let me think about it this weekend and I'll get back to you Monday morning. How's that sound?"
"Sure," Kevin agreed. "Call anytime. I'm really looking forward to working with you, Penny. Thanks for listening to me and I'll talk to you soon." Kevin hung up.
"Huh," Penny mused, picking up her glass of wine. That was weird, she thought. Just as she was about the leave the whole acting scene behind her, an offer like that came along! Almost like…
Penny frowned, looking up at the ceiling. "Endora," she called out. "Is that your doing? Are you making Kevin Smith call me or what?"
Endora popped in, appearing on the couch next to Penny. "Don't look at me," she said, tartly. "Some bearded oaf making a movie holds no interest for me at all, whether you wish to be in it or not."
"Well, all right," Penny said, a bit skeptically. "But I don't know any other reason why he's so gung-ho about getting me in that movie." She thought of something else. "Has Daddy wished you a happy Mother's Day yet?"
"Oh, of course not!" Endora sneered. "After all, I'm not his mother."
"I know," Penny explained, "but you and he seemed to be getting along rather nicely while we were at the Witches' Council…"
"Wyatt has his own mother, thank you very much," Endora snapped. "And as far as I'm concerned they are welcome to one other!"
"Okay, okay," Penny said, defensively. "Sheesh, don't bite my head off, okay? I was just asking."
"Well, don't ask," Endora suggested. "The less I see or think about that woman, the better."
A sudden flash of lightning and rumble of thunder preceded the appearance of a woman standing just inside Penny's door. She was taller than Penny or Endora, dressed in a long, slinky black gown with a plunging neckline that revealed her ample cleavage. Her hair was long and black, with ruby red lips curled in a sneer at Endora. "Sorry to rain on your parade, Endora," she said, smirking.
"Speak of the devil," Endora retorted. "Or should I say, the b—"
"Okay, enough of that!" Penny said, jumping to her feet. "Hello? Are you my grandma?"
"In the flesh, babe," she replied, spreading her arms as Penny rushed forward to hug her. "It's so good to finally meet you after all these years!" she exclaimed, holding Penny at arm's length to look at her. "I can see some of your father in your face."
"It's a wonder you can see anything at all, Elvira, with all that eye shadow you're wearing," Endora sneered.
"Put a sock in it, Endora," Elvira replied. "This time it's not about you and me, it's about me and my granddaughter, Penny!" She snapped her fingers and a plush chair appeared behind her. She sat as Penny returned to the couch. "I heard not long ago that you got into some trouble with the Witches' Council," she said, concerned. "How did that work out?"
"No thanks to you," Endora muttered. "While my husband Maurice and daughter Queen Samantha were busy saving Penny, your son Wyatt and me from a fate worse than death, you were off somewhere, likely gallivanting around with some young warlock."
"Don't be so catty, Endora," Elvira told her. "I was doing no such thing. I was—" she cleared her throat "—in Vegas working on a revival of my 'Mistress of the Dark' routine."
Penny's mouth dropped. "Shut up," she said. "You mean you're that Elvira?"
"You got it, babe," Elvira beamed proudly. "I've been doing that shtick since the early 80's, ever since I realized witches needed someone to be an onscreen role model for them." Endora rolled her eyes.
"That's really cool," Penny said enthusiastically. "I really like that look—especially those stiletto heels."
"Thanks," Elvira said. "Anyway, since it was so close to Mother's Day I just popped by to meet you and see how you've been doing."
"Like you care," Endora muttered.
"I do care!" Elvira declared. "It's just—I've been a little busy lately."
"For a whole year?" Endora pointed out. "Oh, please."
"Yeah, well, it's not that easy to just drop in on someone out of a clear black sky and say, 'Penny, I am your grandmother,'" Elvira protested defensively. "I've been wanting to… so Penny, how are things going for you, really?"
"Really good," Penny said, then thought about that for a few seconds. "Well, mostly good. I'm getting married!" She held out her ring hand, displaying the ring Leonard had gotten her.
"Oh, wonderful!" Elvira beamed happily at her, admiring the ring. "When?"
"Um… well, we're working on that," Penny admitted. "And, well, I was working at the Cheesecake Factory for a while—"
"For over seven years," Endora supplied.
"But," Penny quickly added, "I have a job as a pharmaceutical representative now."
"That's very nice," Elvira smiled. A moment of silence. "And what is that, exactly?"
"I recommend and sell drugs from a pharmaceutical company to doctors," Penny explained. "Oh, and of course I was also doing acting—"
"Oh, like Maurice!" Elvira smiled. Endora rolled her eyes again. "Don't worry, Endora—I have no intentions on Maurice any more, I'm just happy Penny is doing something both her grandfather and grandmother enjoyed doing."
"Well, I don't do it anymore now," Penny explained. Elvira's expression fell. "I mean, I did just get an offer earlier today to read for a part in a movie, but I don't think I'm going to do it."
"Oh, why not?" Elvira wanted to know. "I think it would be wonderful to see you in a movie, Penny dear!"
"Really?" Penny thought about that. "Well, I don't think there were be any harm if I just went down and talked about it…"
"That's the spirit!" Elvira enthused. "In no time you'll be mugging for the camera just like your grandma Elvira!"
"It sounds like a mugging," Endora grumbled. "You're practically beating her over the head with it."
"Well, I don't see you doing much of anything except complaining," Elvira snapped, hands on her hips.
"That's only because there's so much of you to complain about," Endora retorted, her voice dripping venom.
Elvira ignored the comment and took Penny's hands. "Anyway, sweetie, I must be popping off. If you ever want to talk, just give me a call, okay?"
"Okay," Penny smiled.
Elvira smiled sweetly at Endora. "Arrivederci, Granny," she said, and vanished.
"Ooh," Endora huffed. "I can't stand that woman!"
"I kind of like her," Penny said. "She seems like a real person."
"Well," Endora shrugged. "You're young yet."
=ooo=
Later that same evening—
Sheldon sat at his desk, staring at his laptop and shaking his head in wonder and disappointment. "Oh, Leonard," he sighed. "How many of these articles have you written? You're going to be so sad when you realize they're all going to be rejected, while my new paper will likely win the Nobel Prize."
His phone rang and Sheldon took it out of his pocket and looked at it. Smiling at the caller's name, he pushed the Answer button and put it to his ear. "Hello, Wil Wheaton," he said.
"Hi, Sheldon," Wil said. "Are you busy?"
"Oh, no," Sheldon replied. "Just looking at someone's heart being broken on the Internet."
"Oh? Writing critiques of women on Match dot com again?"
"No, nothing like that. Leonard has posted some papers online that are way out of his league, and I'm just gloating over the fact that I had nothing to do with them. In fact, I'm writing a new paper on my own, expanding on Leonard and my variant hypothesis about the superfluid vacuum theory that should light a fire under the Nobel committee."
"Okay," Wil said, uncertainly. "Well, I have a favor to ask of you."
"Really?" Sheldon smiled. "How nice! I certainly won't mind having you in my debt, Wil Wheaton!"
"I suppose not," Wil said. "Anyway, Kevin Smith is trying to get Penny to read for a part in this movie he's making, and he thinks she's not going to do it."
"Well, Penny has given up on being an actress," Sheldon said, "but that's problematic since she was barely one in the first place."
"You know, she and I were both in the movie Serial Ape-ist 2, and she did a decent job in it even though the movie itself didn't have much of a plot," Wil reminded him.
"That may be true," Sheldon agreed. "But you kind of stunk in it, don't you think?"
Silence from Wil's end for several seconds. "Anyway, Sheldon," Wil went on as if he hadn't heard. "Kevin wanted me to give you a call and see if there was any way you could go over and convince her to come to his office Monday morning and discuss the deal."
"I see," Sheldon said. "Wil, I don't know if I'm comfortable trying to convince Penny to do something in which she no longer has any interest. However," he added. "You are my friend, too, and I would like to help you—as long as it's not too inconvenient for me."
"Please, Sheldon," Wil urged. "If not for her, then for me. Kevin promised if I could get her to show up he'd find a part for me in his movie."
"And is that important to you?" Sheldon asked.
"It would be good for me to get out there in the public eye a bit," Wil said. "Especially in an indie like this one. Kevin is one of the best indie directors around."
"Very well," Sheldon agreed. "I will talk to Penny. And perhaps someday—and that day may never come—I may call upon you to perform a service for me."
"Sure, Sheldon," Wil said, smiling. "Pretty good Marlon Brando there, by the way."
"Who's Marlon Brando?" Sheldon asked.
"Never mind," Wil sighed.
=ooo=
Saturday evening at Howard and Bernadette's house—
"So how did things go last night with you and Emily?" Howard asked Raj as the two of them finished a session on Howards X-Box. With Raj there, Bernie had taken the hint and left the apartment—hopefully, Howard thought, to go talk to Penny about throwing some witchcraft their way, gift-wise.
Raj looked a little uncomfortable. "We made love in a graveyard again last night," he said, almost in a whisper.
"Really?" Howard grinned, leaning forward interestedly. "How was it the second time around?"
"Come on, dude!" Raj snapped. "This is my girlfriend we're talking about! It's weird enough I had sex in a graveyard, I don't want to go through it again with you!"
"Never stopped you before," Howard shrugged. "What happened, did she want to do something weird?"
"What, like having sex in a graveyard wasn't weird enough?!" Raj exclaimed. "It was bad enough she told me she's a—" he suddenly clammed up.
"She's a what?" Howard pressed. He had a sudden thought. "She's not really a—guy, is she? I know you've had problems recognizing the difference in the past."
"Very funny," Raj snorted. "Listen," he said in an urgent tone. "She told me something a few weeks ago and it's been bothering me ever since. Promise me you won't breathe a word of this to anyone, not even Bernadette!"
"Sounds serious," Howard said. "Okay, I promise. What's up?"
"A few weeks ago," Raj spoke very quietly. "Emily told me that—" he stopped, hesitating to even say it out loud. "I've got to remain calm about this."
"What?" Howard pressed. "Come on, Raj, what did she say?!"
"She said she was a witch!" Raj whispered.
Howard sat back in his chair, stunned. "Really? A witch?" He was smirking disbelievingly.
"Yes!" Raj nodded vigorously. "She did real magic to prove it! And what's more," he added, "she told me—Penny is a witch, too!"
"Are you serious?" Howard whispered.
"Totally! It freaked me out!" In spite of trying to be calm, Raj was waving his arms wildly. "I mean, when we went to the graveyard the other night, she just waved her arms and suddenly we were there!"
Howard regarded him silently for several seconds. "So," he finally asked. "How is sex with a witch? I mean, I know how it is with Bernadette," he grinned. "But she's a witch of a different kind."
"Can you be serious for one second?" Raj hissed. "In our culture, witches are evil! They're called daayans, and they prey on widows and old people, taking their money and food. What's more," he added, even more anxious now, "They seduce young men—like me!—into having sex with them, and we turn old in just a day! I'm too young to be old!" Raj moaned.
"How long have you been having sex with Emily?" Howard asked, in a flat, skeptical tone.
"A few months now, I guess," Raj answered.
"And you haven't turned old yet, have you?" Howard pointed out.
Raj shrugged. "Um, no, I guess not."
"So why don't you try a test?" Howard suggested. "Ask her for a few things, see if she gives them to you. Make sure they're kind of pricey or unusual."
"But—" Raj protested. "I'm not supposed to get things from my girlfriend. That's what my parents are for."
"Just try it," Howard told him. "If she refuses to give them to you, you know she's not a witch like in your legends."
"Okay," Raj agreed. He suddenly looked excited. "Oh! Oh! I can ask for that new telescope I've been wanting! Oh, and a new plasma screen! And a new Lamborghini—no, too ostentatious. Maybe just a Ferrari…"
Howard had stopped listening—he was thinking about Bernadette talking to Penny about her witchcraft. There might be no end to the kind of things Penny could provide for them, especially if she wanted to keep her witchcraft a secret from the rest of the world…
=ooo=
Sunday morning, Mother's Day, in Penny's apartment—
Penny awoke bright and early on Mother's Day. That is, it was barely past nine a.m. when she first opened her eyes that morning. Yesterday had been a very long day and she'd had a long, hot bath, a long, cold glass of wine, and a cozy, warm bed, all by herself. No Leonard around to say something stupid and tick her off.
She pushed herself out of bed and slouched into the kitchen to make herself a cup of must-have coffee. Searching her cabinets, she realized she was out of her favorite blend—must've forgotten it during her last trip to the store. Penny shrugged then snapped her fingers. A hot cup of coffee appeared in her other hand. "Ahhh," she sighed, taking a sip. "That hit the spot!"
Her mind drifted back to the stupid argument she'd had with Leonard, an argument that she had to admit, if she was being honest with herself, she'd started with him. She never knew why she did that, really, other than Leonard just really got on her nerves every so often. And it wasn't because he was being a jerk, most of the time—it was because he wasn't. Almost like she had to make up for his lack of jerkiness by being the jerk herself.
And then there was that call from Kevin Smith last night, wanting her to come in and read for Clerks 3. She'd left the audition the last time she'd gone, thinking she was done with acting and the trials and tribulations of casting calls and answering fan questions about movies she wanted to forget, like the Serial Ape-ist movies. She took another sip of coffee, trying to figure out what to do as wakefulness slowly filled her brain.
There was a knock at her door. Wonder who that is, she thought to herself. She wasn't expecting anyone. "Who is it?" she asked.
"It's Samantha," a woman's voice answered.
Penny jumped to her feet, surprised. The Queen of Witches here, at her apartment? Thank God she hadn't popped in like Endora or Maurice did! "Just a second," she called, snapping her fingers. Her coffee cup disappeared and her shorts and T-shirt promptly disappeared, replaced with a pretty dress, her hair and face combed and clean. She then hurried over and opened the door.
Samantha was standing there, smiling, but she wasn't dressed like the Samantha she'd seen before. She was in a fashionable dress that ended just above the knees, with a small, tasteful belt (like she'd mentioned to Leonard, about evening wear!) and an understated purse. "Hi!" she said as Penny opened the door. "Sorry to show up unannounced, but I had some free time and I've been wanting to come over and see you."
"Hi," Penny said, nervously. "Well, um, come on in," she said, gesturing Samantha inside. "I mean—Your Majesty…" she added, with a bow that ended in a curtsey.
"Oh my stars," Samantha said, waving a hand dismissively. "Don't bother with any of that 'Your Majesty' stuff—it's just me and you, my favorite niece."
"Really?" Penny beamed upon hearing that.
"Of course!" Samantha agreed, smiling slyly. "Well, that is, you're my only niece, actually. At least who's a witch. But the sentiment is the same." She looked around the apartment. "Nice place you have here. It looks cozy."
"It is cozy," Penny agreed, still nervous. "My fiancé Leonard lives across the hall." She pointed toward 4A; Samantha glanced out of the door and smiled. "But enough about that," Penny said, pushing the door closed. "Would you like some—um, some…"
"Tea?" Samantha suggested.
"Uh, yes!" Penny agreed. She'd completely blanked on the word. "I can, um—"
"I'll tell you what," Samantha interrupted. "You sit down—you look a little anxious. I'll make the tea." She and Penny sat down on the couch, and Samantha made a flourish over the coffee table. A tea service appeared, with a steaming kettle and two cups with loose tea already in them. Samantha wiggled her nose—Penny watched the gesture, intrigued—and the kettle poured hot water into each of the strainers, filling the cups with hot water. The kettle disappeared.
Penny leaned over the cups, looking at the tea. "What happened to the teabags?" she asked.
"I like Earl Grey to steep loose," Samantha said. "It puts more flavor into the tea."
"Earl Grey, eh?" Penny said, looking in the cups again. "That's the kind of tea Jean-Luc Picard likes." She shook her head distractedly. "Sorry, I don't know why I said that—well, yes I do. Leonard, my fiancé, likes Star Trek: the Next Generation. I know you probably never heard of that—"
"Oh, I have," Samantha smiled. "My daughter Tabitha's children liked watching that show when they were little. They even told me they were going to go into space when they got old enough." She and Penny both laughed.
After a moment, Penny's expression turned apprehensive. "Um, can we really do that?"
"Well," Samantha said matter-of-factly. "The other planets are rather boring—most of them have no atmosphere or are too hot or cold. But if you really wanted to—"
"No, no," Penny demurred, holding up her hands. "That's okay, I'll take your word for it."
"So," Samantha said, picking up her tea cup and pointing a finger at it; the tea leaves disappeared, leaving a piping hot cup of tea. Two cubes of sugar floated up from the tea service and into her cup. "Mother tells me you may have a part in a mortal movie. That sounds interesting."
Penny was fixing her tea by hand; she felt so nervous in front of Samantha that she didn't want to use witchcraft and mess up. "Yes, I got a call earlier to go in and read for a part on Monday. It could be an interesting role." She shrugged. "But I just don't know if I want to get back into acting now."
"What does your fiancé think?" Samantha asked.
Penny made a face. "Well, that's kind of complicated…"
"How so?" Samantha asked, interested.
Several hours and quite a few cups of tea later, Penny had described the last 12 years of her life, from the time she'd left Nebraska, fresh out of high school, through her years with her first boyfriend, Kurt, to meeting Leonard and Sheldon, getting to know them, and over time slowly falling in love with Leonard. The relationship had had its ups and downs—Penny couldn't count the how many times she'd thought about breaking up with Leonard, or how many times he'd proposed. And now, being a witch for the past year, she really hadn't given that a fair shake, either, knowing what she could be doing with her life if she just gave herself the chance, but being afraid of hurting Leonard.
"I know just what you've been up against," Samantha nodded, when Penny had finished her tale. "I spent many happy years with a man I loved very much, but who was dead set against me performing any kind of witchcraft."
"Oh, Leonard's not against witchcraft," Penny quickly pointed out. "It's just not something he really thinks about. If anything, his friend Sheldon has been worse—he's wanted me to do things for him like change his room so it's his ideal environment. He even asked Leonard if he could have my powers if the Witches' Council took them from me!"
"He sounds like a handful," Samantha smiled.
"Well, Sheldon is special, in his own way," Penny explained. "He's super-smart, but he doesn't handle everyday things like normal people do. He's just—well, being Sheldon.
"I see," Samantha nodded. "It seems like both Leonard and Sheldon are very special to you."
"They are," Penny agreed. "All of my friends are special. I'm not sure how I could have gotten where I am today without them."
"That's what friends are for," Samantha told her. She glanced at her watch. "Oh, dear, I didn't mean to take up so much of your day! I'd better be popping off, I promised my daughter Tabitha we'd have dinner together."
Samantha and Penny both stood. "It was really nice talking to you," Penny said, very glad she'd had the chance to get to know her better.
"I've had a wonderful time, too." Samantha and Penny shared a quick hug and kiss on the cheek. "I know everything will work out for you and Leonard."
"I really hope so," Penny agreed. Waving goodbye, Samantha turned and walked to the door, fading from view as she reached it.
Smiling, Penny waved her hand and vanished the tea service. Seeing someone like Samantha, who'd spent so many years in the mortal world pretending to be mortal, who could still use her powers unashamedly, had given Penny a new perspective. She decided she should use her powers as freely as she wanted, and it wouldn't make her any less human or compassionate as anyone else.
=ooo=
Sunday afternoon, Howard and Bernadette's house—
Howard and Bernadette entered their home, both walking tiredly over to the sofa and dropping onto it. "Wow," Howard said, rubbing his face. "Dinner at your dad and mom's house is always an experience."
"At least Dad was on his best behavior for Mother's Day," Bernadette said.
"Right, I could tell," Howard said. "He was being very helpful tonight. 'Bernadette, pass your mother the roast beef,' or 'Bernadette, how about doing that one dance number your mother loves.'" He smiled at her. "You were great, by the way."
Bernadette smiled. "Dad tries. My father's kind of old school."
"Yeah, well, so was the Inquisition," Howard joked.
"Be serious," Bernadette said. "At least we had some time away from—" she lowered her voice "—him."
Howard lowered his as well. "You mean Stuart the Home Invasion Guy?"
"I never thought it would be that hard to get rid of him," Bernadette complained. "The last time we tried to do it, we ended up celebrating his birthday, for God's sake!"
"And throwing him a party," Howard added. Thinking about that reminded him. "Hey, did you ever talk to Penny about—you know, when you went over there last night?"
Bernadette suddenly looked guilty. "I didn't go," she said, contritely. "I don't think it's right to abuse our friendship with Penny like that."
"Meanwhile," Howard pointed out, "Stuart is the Man Who Wouldn't Leave. Just think what Penny could do for Stuart—she could get him into a home of his own, get his comic book store to take off, financially."
Bernadette considered that. "Well, it couldn't hurt to mention it to her, now that I think about it that way."
"That's my girl," Howard leaned over and gave her a hug. "And speaking of magic…" he said, "what do we have here?" He reached into her ear and pulled out a condom.
=ooo=
A/N 5/16/15 - This chapter is not the last entry for the story until Season 9 begins, I have a few more chapters to go to finish it.
Thanks for reading and for your reviews, especially those of you who think the characters sound like their counterparts on the TV shows. We have 8 seasons of BBT now, the same number of seasons as Bewitched ran. I think the Witch-Bang Theory will have about two more chapters before it reaches its conclusion.
I will try to make them as interesting and fun to read as I can. I hope you enjoy them!